Collarspace Discussion Forums


Home  Login  Search 

Pointers for a young sub


View related threads: (in this forum | in all forums)

Logged in as: Guest
 
All Forums >> [Community Discussions] >> Ask a Submissive >> Pointers for a young sub Page: [1] 2   next >   >>
Login
Message << Older Topic   Newer Topic >>
Pointers for a young sub - 6/28/2012 10:51:39 PM   
ReMakeYou


Posts: 147
Joined: 1/20/2012
Status: offline 		I've met a lot of subs who had a hard time telling the difference between a decent dom, and a heavy-handed guy with very deep issues. Doubly so since most of them either didn't acknowledge themselves as subs, didn't know what communities there were available, or fell in with unhealthy ones. It seems like almost a rite of passage that any sub will have horror stories about. And I'm watching a younger girl I know developing those right now.

So for those who have learned from their mistakes. What would you say a young/inexperienced sub should look out for to avoid all the classic pitfalls?
Profile   Post #: 1
RE: Pointers for a young sub - 6/28/2012 11:31:04 PM   
littlewonder


Posts: 15659
Status: offline 		The same ones she would look for in any in and outside of bdsm. Same qualifications apply.


_____________________________

Nothing has changed
Everything has changed

(in reply to ReMakeYou)
Profile   Post #: 2
RE: Pointers for a young sub - 6/29/2012 12:00:30 AM   
GreedyTop


Posts: 52100
Joined: 5/2/2007
From: Savannah, GA
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: littlewonder

The same ones she would look for in any in and outside of bdsm. Same qualifications apply.




Yep.

_____________________________

polysnortatious
Supreme Goddess of Snark
CHARTER MEMBER: Lance's Fag Hags!
Waiting for my madman in a Blue Box.

(in reply to littlewonder)
Profile   Post #: 3
RE: Pointers for a young sub - 6/29/2012 12:18:32 AM   
JeffBC


Posts: 5799
Joined: 2/12/2012
From: Canada
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: ReMakeYou
So for those who have learned from their mistakes. What would you say a young/inexperienced sub should look out for to avoid all the classic pitfalls?

Near as I can tell the number one danger to young/inexperienced subs is themselves.


_____________________________

I'm a lover of "what is", not because I'm a spiritual person, but because it hurts when I argue with reality. -- Bryon Katie
"You're humbly arrogant" -- sunshinemiss
officially a member of the K Crowd

(in reply to ReMakeYou)
Profile   Post #: 4
RE: Pointers for a young sub - 6/29/2012 12:45:20 AM   
epiphiny43


Posts: 688
Joined: 10/20/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: ReMakeYou

So for those who have learned from their mistakes. What would you say a young/inexperienced sub should look out for to avoid all the classic pitfalls?

"Don't believe any of your fantasizes will come true in the person in front of you?" In other words, don't be young and idealistic. Which is just more wasted breath to go with about anything else you try to tell young initiates to life. Most lessons only take when accompanied by so much pain the illusions shatter. And God knows, our culture is the best ever at delivering illusions to it's young.

(in reply to ReMakeYou)
Profile   Post #: 5
RE: Pointers for a young sub - 6/29/2012 12:59:14 AM   
littlewonder


Posts: 15659
Status: offline 		Personally if a young sub had these problems you are talking about I would tell them to grow up and take responsibility for their lives. I'd tell them they are no longer children. Mommy and daddy are not going to fix their problems. Welcome to adulthood.

Oh wait...I told my grown daughter this once. Seemed to work.


_____________________________

Nothing has changed
Everything has changed

(in reply to epiphiny43)
Profile   Post #: 6
RE: Pointers for a young sub - 6/29/2012 7:54:05 AM   
OsideGirl


Posts: 14441
Joined: 7/1/2005
From: United States
Status: offline 		Did I make some mistakes? Yup and I learned from them.

Do I have horror stories? Nope. I was cautious, used my head and respected myself.

_____________________________

Give a girl the right shoes and she will conquer the world. ~ Marilyn Monroe

The Accelerated Velocity of Terminological Inexactitude

(in reply to littlewonder)
Profile   Post #: 7
RE: Pointers for a young sub - 6/29/2012 8:20:40 AM   
littleone35


Posts: 2828
Joined: 2/17/2005
Status: offline 		You should look at the post "the worst Dom you ever mert".  Might give you some idea.

Matt's littleone

(in reply to OsideGirl)
Profile   Post #: 8
RE: Pointers for a young sub - 6/29/2012 8:37:21 AM   
poise


Posts: 9509
Joined: 7/3/2010
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: ReMakeYou

I've met a lot of subs who had a hard time telling the difference between a decent dom, and a heavy-handed guy
with very deep issues. Doubly so since most of them either didn't acknowledge themselves as subs,


I agree with Jeff when he says the number one danger is themselves. I wanted to add to that, based on the
highlighted portion. Many women who first come to the realization that they are submissive think that all of a
sudden, they have to change who they are and how they carry themselves to reflect that stereotypical doormat
that alot of people associate with being submissive. They are too quick to dispose of any self worth they may have,
and feel they have to do things to prove they are submissive, as opposed to proving they are a woman worthy of a good man.

As littlewonder said, the same common sense applies when searching for a compatible partner, whether vanilla or D/s.
In vanillaland, a man who only wants to have sex with you isn't really relationship material.
In BDSMland, a man who is only interested in seeing how submissive you can be isn't good relationship material either.

< Message edited by poise -- 6/29/2012 8:38:09 AM >

_____________________________

When the path ignites a soul, there’s no remaining in place.

(in reply to ReMakeYou)
Profile   Post #: 9
RE: Pointers for a young sub - 6/29/2012 8:48:18 AM   
OsideGirl


Posts: 14441
Joined: 7/1/2005
From: United States
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: poise
Many women who first come to the realization that they are submissive think that all of a
sudden, they have to change who they are and how they carry themselves to reflect that stereotypical doormat
that alot of people associate with being submissive. They are too quick to dispose of any self worth they may have,
and feel they have to do things to prove they are submissive, as opposed to proving they are a woman worthy of a good man.


Bolded and brightened for truth. Poise has nailed it.


< Message edited by OsideGirl -- 6/29/2012 8:49:14 AM >

_____________________________

Give a girl the right shoes and she will conquer the world. ~ Marilyn Monroe

The Accelerated Velocity of Terminological Inexactitude

(in reply to poise)
Profile   Post #: 10
RE: Pointers for a young sub - 6/29/2012 9:01:21 AM   
littlewonder


Posts: 15659
Status: offline 		Ya know, we see sooooo many posts on here like this. Can't someone make a sticky and we can just refer them to it? If not I think I'm gonna put a disclaimer in my signature about bdsm is not special. UGH

_____________________________

Nothing has changed
Everything has changed

(in reply to OsideGirl)
Profile   Post #: 11
RE: Pointers for a young sub - 6/29/2012 2:01:07 PM   
Salinedion


Posts: 198
Joined: 5/25/2012
Status: offline 		I just like the whole idea of knowing "a lot of subs" and then being the world-weary Yoda-figure who sagely advises them.

What a great life. Not one perv in a million meets enough submissive women to even have a policy on it.

_____________________________

I hate the 'reply to' note at the end of the post. Just assume I'm posting to the board at large and not the person above me unless I say diff, OK?

(in reply to littlewonder)
Profile   Post #: 12
RE: Pointers for a young sub - 6/30/2012 8:45:55 AM   
DesFIP


Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline 		A relationship is a relationship is a relationship. You still have the same needs as you did before you had kinky sex, if they aren't being fulfilled then you'll still be unhappy.

_____________________________

Slave to laundry

Cynical and proud of it!


(in reply to Salinedion)
Profile   Post #: 13
RE: Pointers for a young sub - 6/30/2012 4:15:55 PM   
ReMakeYou


Posts: 147
Joined: 1/20/2012
Status: offline 		Little&Des: It's all nice and internetty to say "know yourself, it has the same rules as any other relationship". But most people don't want things that, but for certain protocols, would easily qualify as abuse. So between the ones who think that keeping their True Sub status involves putting up with everything that happens, and the ones who stumble blindly around looking for something without knowing the protocols, it's a little more complex than that.

(in reply to DesFIP)
Profile   Post #: 14
RE: Pointers for a young sub - 6/30/2012 7:19:33 PM   
ProlificNeeds


Posts: 1061
Joined: 5/19/2007
Status: offline 		Common sense, apply it to everything and stop making decisions based on the flutter of your heart, or the pulse of your cunt. It's about the only universal advice to give, and applies to all young inexperienced girls, not just in the BDSM world.

In BDSM? Best advice I could offer is, "Don't take anyone's word for it". Just because some stuffed shirt says "This is how it is in BDSM-land..." Doesn't make it right, or even true. Expect the same courtesies and be cautious just as you would in any vanilla setting, strangers are strangers, and until someone EARNS your trust, don't take them at their word if it could lead to harm.

(in reply to ReMakeYou)
Profile   Post #: 15
RE: Pointers for a young sub - 6/30/2012 7:24:58 PM   
BitaTruble


Posts: 9779
Joined: 1/12/2006
From: Texas
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: ReMakeYou

What would you say a young/inexperienced sub should look out for to avoid all the classic pitfalls?

Don't avoid them. Go out, make mistakes. Fuck up. Do everything. Get scars, find joy, pack a bag then be prepared to dump it out on a moments notice. Breath. Live.

_____________________________

"Oh, so it's just like
Rock, paper, scissors."

He laughed. "You are the wisest woman I know."


(in reply to ReMakeYou)
Profile   Post #: 16
RE: Pointers for a young sub - 7/1/2012 6:32:26 AM   
JeffBC


Posts: 5799
Joined: 2/12/2012
From: Canada
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: ReMakeYou
Little&Des: It's all nice and internetty to say "know yourself, it has the same rules as any other relationship".

OK, now I'm going to step into this conversation a bit more fully. It is not "internetty", as you put it to "know yourself". It is a basic maxim of life. Those who do, succeed. Those who do not, fail -- or at best attain mediocrity. What next? Are you planning on downplaying the golden rule too?

But most people don't want things that, but for certain protocols, would easily qualify as abuse.
It is not the protocols which disqualify it as abuse. It is the context surrounding the action which, in turn, changes the way it's perceived which, in turn changes its effect on the participants.

So between the ones who think that keeping their True Sub status involves putting up with everything that happens
OK, a bit of goodness here. It would help inexperienced subs to know there is no such thing as a true sub/slave and that if the relationship isn't making them happy then it's broken.

and the ones who stumble blindly around looking for something without knowing the protocols, it's a little more complex than that.
"the protocols"??? Which protocols are these you're referring to. I didn't learn any protocols when I engaged in this. I cobbled together some mishmash of ideas... largely from Gor and the business section of the bookstore... then applied them as appropriate to my actual life.

But here, if you don't like the more philosophical answers, then here are some things inexperienced subs should avoid.

Protocols: In general, doms trot this shit out as a manipulation technique to get you to do shit you don't want to do, eg: "According to the illustrious traditions of the house of the rising moon which dates back to the 4th dynasty, slaves can never nag about forgetting to mow the lawn." Don't be blinded by the razzle-dazzle. You either want to do it or you don't. Sometimes, we all do things we don't want to do. But if you're considering that, be sure you have a clear answer as to why you would do it and how it's going to work out for you.

Protectors: Hands down I would say to any sub be extraordinarily wary of anyone who wants to "protect" you. At worst, it is a blatant ploy to win your trust before using that trust in an unethical manner. At best it's likely to be some do-gooder who's going to do more to inculcate a victim mentality in your head than to actually "protect" you. They are more likely to weaken you. Protect yourself.


< Message edited by JeffBC -- 7/1/2012 6:55:02 AM >

_____________________________

I'm a lover of "what is", not because I'm a spiritual person, but because it hurts when I argue with reality. -- Bryon Katie
"You're humbly arrogant" -- sunshinemiss
officially a member of the K Crowd

(in reply to ReMakeYou)
Profile   Post #: 17
RE: Pointers for a young sub - 7/1/2012 6:51:02 AM   
GreedyTop


Posts: 52100
Joined: 5/2/2007
From: Savannah, GA
Status: offline 		*what Bita and Jeff said*

_____________________________

polysnortatious
Supreme Goddess of Snark
CHARTER MEMBER: Lance's Fag Hags!
Waiting for my madman in a Blue Box.

(in reply to JeffBC)
Profile   Post #: 18
RE: Pointers for a young sub - 7/1/2012 7:19:22 AM   
PrincessDonna11


Posts: 289
Joined: 8/7/2011
Status: offline 		Dom or sub is a personality trait thats the first thing,we are not an under class of people that spend 24/7 scening and are not kinky sex craved freaks. The most important advice I would offer is dont get caught up in the moment of the lifestyle and forget that real life is always here.

(in reply to GreedyTop)
Profile   Post #: 19
RE: Pointers for a young sub - 7/1/2012 7:29:52 AM   
GreedyTop


Posts: 52100
Joined: 5/2/2007
From: Savannah, GA
Status: offline 		excellent point, Donna :)

_____________________________

polysnortatious
Supreme Goddess of Snark
CHARTER MEMBER: Lance's Fag Hags!
Waiting for my madman in a Blue Box.

(in reply to PrincessDonna11)
Profile   Post #: 20
Page:   [1] 2   next >   >>
All Forums >> [Community Discussions] >> Ask a Submissive >> Pointers for a young sub Page: [1] 2   next >   >>
Jump to:





New Messages No New Messages
Hot Topic w/ New Messages Hot Topic w/o New Messages
Locked w/ New Messages Locked w/o New Messages
 Post New Thread
 Reply to Message
 Post New Poll
 Submit Vote
 Delete My Own Post
 Delete My Own Thread
 Rate Posts




Collarchat.com © 2025
Terms of Service Privacy Policy Spam Policy

0.094