quote:

ORIGINAL: chatterbox24

IM always curious about the way people think about relationships what they settle for, what they dont, what their deal breakers are.

In a relationship if you had it all but one major thing was missing, what would that one major thing be that would end it all?

quote:

ORIGINAL: chatterbox24

THats the thing about settling, it rears its ugly head at some point, you can only bury it so long.

quote:

ORIGINAL: LaTigresse

quote:

ORIGINAL: chatterbox24

THats the thing about settling, it rears its ugly head at some point, you can only bury it so long.

If I ever felt like I was settling, then the relationship would be over. Or, would have never begun.

I guess maybe I don't understand where you are going with this.

Relationships are often times fluid things. I will use myself as an example. I've been married for 22 years now. We've been through some seriously rough shit. Neither he nor I are the same as we were 22 years ago. Neither is our relationship. But I guarantee you that neither of us feels like we are settling. We simply both feel that there are more pros than cons to staying together. We adapt our expectations of one another and the relationship as we grow and change. I don't make him responsible for my happiness and I refuse to allow him to make me responsible for his. He allows me to be me, trusting that I will not do anything to totally fuck things up, and visa versa.

The foundation that supports the building of our relationship is built of trust and respect.

quote:

ORIGINAL: needlesandpins

uuuummmmmm i'm really not sure on this one.

the thing is, i had the full on relationship for 16yrs. i loved him as much as i possibly could, i gave up loads of things i wanted in my life to be with him, i gave up more to have a child that i had never wanted (not that i would change having my boy) because he said it would be a certain way (it wasn't), i sacrificed alot of the person i wanted to be to be in a relationship with him. all because all i ever wanted was someone to love me for being me. i wanted to be enough just as i am, and be loved for it because i grew up feeling totally unloved. i thought i had to have the full on relationship to get what i wanted/needed.

however, over the years as it became apparent that what i am, and what i was doing wasn't appreciated, and i wasn't getting what i wanted/needed then i started to resent him for it. because he did nothing for me in the same way, but was always ready to blame me for the way he was.

as i stand right now i don't want a full on relationship ever again. i know that i never really did, i just thought i had to to get the things i wanted....primarily someone to love me. i've come to the conclusion that what i am will never be enough for anyone other than me.

what i do know is this; for me to consider myself in a relationship with some is going to take that person loving me, being able to tell me they love me because they want to, no expectation of me giving up anything (if i choose to to suit then cool), that I am the priority (not work, friends, interfering ex's and so on), that i am enough just the way i am, that it is accepted that actually i do not want to live with them full time either let alone get married, that i want exclusivity because no-one else is worth it because i am enough (although i do not equate exclusivity to being in a relationship. i'm exclusive to my playmate but we are not a couple) and did i mention that i must be loved, and told that i am loved?

you see, who else is going to see that as a relationship? for me it is very simple, but i doubt that it is enough for a guy to be loyal to me. i'm just not willing to give anymore of myself than that though. so i see settling as what i did before, and i won't do that again.

needles

quote:

ORIGINAL: RemoteUser

I need different things from different people.
I always need the same things from myself.

So I suppose settling is subjective for me. It's fluid with others and only rewrites itself for me, when I change who I am (making it a non-issue by definition).