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RE: What to do when S.O. has sex with another girl - 7/14/2012 7:55:57 AM   
sexyred1


Posts: 8998
Joined: 8/9/2007
Status: offline 		It is fine for everyone to tell this guy he needs to look at his part in relationships and he should not choose to be Dominant just to avoid getting hurt.

However, for some people, a cheating partner is a deal breaker, no matter what the reason.

For me, if you cheat when we are in a commited relationship, you are done. End of story.

There is literally no excuse anyone can give me for cheating that would be acceptable.

(in reply to kalikshama)
Profile   Post #: 21
RE: What to do when S.O. has sex with another girl - 7/14/2012 7:56:05 AM   
angelikaJ


Posts: 8641
Joined: 6/22/2007
Status: offline 		Something else to think about: while your submissive partner is responsible for her own choices, being with someone who has trust issues and is insecure often becomes a self-fulfilling prophesy for the partner who is insecure.

You have other relationship skills that are lacking.

My suggestion is therapy because if this was something you could have fixed on your own you surely would have.
In addition to the trust issues and insecurity, if you are always picking people who ultimately betray you, wouldn't you want to know why?

Most people don't automatically have great relationship skills but they can be learned.

A lot of us are self taught.
Some of us get help learning the skill-set and tools necessary to have a fulfilling and functionally happy relationship.

You list yourself as a switch.
As mentioned by others, I think the idea of having control is one you gravitate towards due to your insecurity.

That doesn't *really* make you a dominant partner.
It just means you are someone who is trying to compensate at the expense of yourself/interpersonal relationships.

There are kink friendly counselors and therapists.
You could try finding one and building a better foundation to have relationships with.

If you want what you have never had you must do what you have never done.

edit: missing comma



< Message edited by angelikaJ -- 7/14/2012 7:57:08 AM >

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RE: What to do when S.O. has sex with another girl - 7/14/2012 8:01:02 AM   
MalcolmNathaniel


Posts: 1394
Joined: 9/20/2010
Status: offline 		"What to do when S.O. has sex with another gir "

Cheer?

Actually, as others have said, you need to look at yourself here. If you are a dom because of insecurity, you can hardly provide security for your subs, n'est-ce pas?

(in reply to kalikshama)
Profile   Post #: 23
RE: What to do when S.O. has sex with another girl - 7/14/2012 8:01:12 AM   
punisher440


Posts: 4122
Joined: 4/10/2011
Status: offline 		Everyone has made very valid points so far on this thread and there is very little I can add to this except you mentioned the fact it was another woman she had sex with.It does not matter that the one she cheated with was another woman,the fact is she broke a trust and that is a major problem.And the point that she was drunk when she did it does not forgive her for her transgession,the drinking is adding to her list of things she did wrong.But in this case OP,only you can know what is the right course to take here.But to me,trust in a D/s or M/s relationship is extremely important[like in a vanilla one but more so in my book] and once it is betrayed it is not easily rebuilt.If there is no trust,exactly what do you have OP?

(in reply to Cipher15)
Profile   Post #: 24
RE: What to do when S.O. has sex with another girl - 7/14/2012 8:08:20 AM   
sexyred1


Posts: 8998
Joined: 8/9/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: MalcolmNathaniel

Actually, as others have said, you need to look at yourself here. If you are a dom because of insecurity, you can hardly provide security for your subs, n'est-ce pas?


Again, what does his insecurity or being a Dom have to do with the decision to cheat? If she was unhappy with him, as a Dom or otherwise and even he is insecure, there was a trust factor implicit in the relationship (I assume).

So, if she was unhappy or just wanted to have sex with someone else, how about discussing it with him, rather than just doing it?

I cannot see his insecurities as justification for her cheating.

(in reply to MalcolmNathaniel)
Profile   Post #: 25
RE: What to do when S.O. has sex with another girl - 7/14/2012 8:11:54 AM   
angelikaJ


Posts: 8641
Joined: 6/22/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: sexyred1


quote:

ORIGINAL: MalcolmNathaniel

Actually, as others have said, you need to look at yourself here. If you are a dom because of insecurity, you can hardly provide security for your subs, n'est-ce pas?


Again, what does his insecurity or being a Dom have to do with the decision to cheat? If she was unhappy with him, as a Dom or otherwise and even he is insecure, there was a trust factor implicit in the relationship (I assume).

So, if she was unhappy or just wanted to have sex with someone else, how about discussing it with him, rather than just doing it?

I cannot see his insecurities as justification for her cheating.


Most posters have said it is up to him to decide what is and isn't tolerable.

People have commented on insecurity and it's various manifestations because the OP wrote about them.

Insecurity is a different issue than her cheating.



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RE: What to do when S.O. has sex with another girl - 7/14/2012 8:16:03 AM   
sexyred1


Posts: 8998
Joined: 8/9/2007
Status: offline 		I know, but his question was about trust being destroyed and people are jumping on him about how if was more secure and a a big bad Dom, he would have provided a situation where he could have controlled the actions of his sub, who cheated.

Plus, some are saying hey it would be cool if it was with a woman, but to some, any cheating is breaking trust.



< Message edited by sexyred1 -- 7/14/2012 8:17:13 AM >

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Profile   Post #: 27
RE: What to do when S.O. has sex with another girl - 7/14/2012 8:18:55 AM   
ResidentSadist


Posts: 12580
Joined: 2/11/2007
From: a mean old Daddy, but I like you - Joni Mitchell
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Cipher15
Now my S.O. and sub just confessed to having sex with another girl, without my knowledge or permission, if I had known I would probably be more ok with it than I am right now. She said she was just drunk and it kinda just happened . . . So my question to everyone is should I give her another chance, end it, or something completely different?


I would make her do it again sober, in front of you (and I would film it). That ought to take the salt out of your wounds.


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RE: What to do when S.O. has sex with another girl - 7/14/2012 8:28:04 AM   
MalcolmNathaniel


Posts: 1394
Joined: 9/20/2010
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: sexyred1
Again, what does his insecurity or being a Dom have to do with the decision to cheat? If she was unhappy with him, as a Dom or otherwise and even he is insecure, there was a trust factor implicit in the relationship (I assume).

So, if she was unhappy or just wanted to have sex with someone else, how about discussing it with him, rather than just doing it?

I cannot see his insecurities as justification for her cheating.



Of course it's not justification. However, the cheating may be a symptom of a problem he has freely admitted. I suggested the first place to look fir the problem, not a full diagnosis.

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Profile   Post #: 29
RE: What to do when S.O. has sex with another girl - 7/14/2012 8:36:08 AM   
BenevolentM


Posts: 3394
Joined: 11/15/2006
Status: offline 		Perhaps she should have given you the courtesy of not telling you. The girl is a slut and this is what sluts do. Do you love her?

< Message edited by BenevolentM -- 7/14/2012 8:45:05 AM >

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RE: What to do when S.O. has sex with another girl - 7/14/2012 9:56:18 AM   
JeffBC


Posts: 5799
Joined: 2/12/2012
From: Canada
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: sexyred1
I cannot see his insecurities as justification for her cheating.

I don't know that anyone's talking about a "justification for cheating". Or, at least, i certainly wasn't. I don't actually deal in things like "justifications" when it comes to relationships. I thought I was pretty clear. She's not a monogamous sort of girl and him using "dominance" to control his own insecurity is a bad idea.


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Profile   Post #: 31
RE: What to do when S.O. has sex with another girl - 7/14/2012 10:07:01 AM   
OsideGirl


Posts: 14441
Joined: 7/1/2005
From: United States
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: CRYPTICLXVI


quote:

ORIGINAL: Cipher15

So a little backstory on this one, I've been screwed over by almost all of my past relationships so much that I have severe trust issues. I guess that's why I enjoy being a Dominant more than a submissive. It doesn't matter what happens, but when I think things are going wrong, I get pissed and then back off so that she gets upset, or just flat out dump her.




Re-read this bit, seems you are trying to define your self in relationships so you don't get hurt, man, I 'll reiterate, look the fuck at your self, know your self...just my 2 cents.

I won't even throw the monkeys in for this, just some honest advice...


Reiterate what Cryptic said. And I'm going to add: You need to take a good long hard look at yourself and figure out why you've chosen the same type of people over and over again.


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Profile   Post #: 32
RE: What to do when S.O. has sex with another girl - 7/14/2012 11:29:21 AM   
Cipher15


Posts: 4
Joined: 4/11/2011
Status: offline 		I just want to say thanks a bunch to everyone that's responded. You have all made some really great points and have given me an idea of what I need to do and I really appreciate it. You have made me realize that I need to re-evaluate myself as a dom and as a person. So a big thanks to everyone

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Profile   Post #: 33
RE: What to do when S.O. has sex with another girl - 7/14/2012 12:01:05 PM   
wildernessbitch


Posts: 67
Joined: 5/19/2012
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: JeffBC


I don't know that anyone's talking about a "justification for cheating". Or, at least, i certainly wasn't. I don't actually deal in things like "justifications" when it comes to relationships. I thought I was pretty clear. She's not a monogamous sort of girl and him using "dominance" to control his own insecurity is a bad idea.



Many who cheat call themselves mono so just because she cheats doesn't equate to poly. Many get a thrill out of the fact that they are doing something bad. She could be in a poly situation and she might cheat. To just blatantly say she isnt monogamous because she cheated is bullshit.
OP you can either forgive her or not but the fact that it was another woman means nothing and the fact she was drunk means nothing. She broke the relationship. It is your choice to leave or work to repair it. Either way i would say that you could use some innerself work to decide why this keeps happening. Not everyone betrays his or her partner.

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Profile   Post #: 34
RE: What to do when S.O. has sex with another girl - 7/14/2012 12:59:37 PM   
JeffBC


Posts: 5799
Joined: 2/12/2012
From: Canada
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: wildernessbitch
Many who cheat call themselves mono

Oh boy. I just love being taken to task. Perhaps I'm a secret masochist? Look, right for starters I don't really give a rat's ass what someone calls themselves. The fixation on labels isn't something I've ever really gotten into.

so just because she cheats doesn't equate to poly.
I'm looking for where I used the word "poly" and I can't find it. But do carry on with your diatribe. This is most amusing.

Many get a thrill out of the fact that they are doing something bad. She could be in a poly situation and she might cheat.
And elephants are 4 legged land mammals. But what's that got to do with anything? Yup, lack of honor has nothing to do with being monogamous or poly. But when someone in a theoretically monogamous relationship cheats I have to observe two things:

a) They lack honor.
b) They had some drive to break those rules. They wanted to have sex with someone other than their partner. Does that sound like someone "wired monogamously" to you? It sounds to me more like someone who is "wired" to want multiple partners but stuck in a society where such things are frowned upon.

To just blatantly say she isnt monogamous because she cheated is bullshit.
OK... this is probably my fault. I forgot I was posting on a BDSM board where labels mean more than reality. Here... where I'm typing this post... in reality... what matters is that which is. The girl had, at a minimum, 2 mates. Since the definition of monogamous is "having one mate" I'm going to stick with factual. But hey, for those living in label-land then I agree. She is whatever label she wants to slap on herself. I get it that BDSM discussion boards are the land of word reinvention where nothing means anything. But out of curiosity, what exactly does that word "monogamous" mean to you?

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"You're humbly arrogant" -- sunshinemiss
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Profile   Post #: 35
RE: What to do when S.O. has sex with another girl - 7/14/2012 1:02:27 PM   
stellauk


Posts: 1360
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Cipher15

So a little backstory on this one, I've been screwed over by almost all of my past relationships so much that I have severe trust issues.



Are you sure this is a back story, or a disclaimer? Is this not 'Oh poor me, people have been bad to me in all my previous relationships so this gives me an excuse not to behave perhaps as I should in my new relationships and to be cagey about taking on responsibility as well.'

Is this what you are trying to say? Ever thought about walking round with 'VICTIM' on a big sign?

Oh please don't get me wrong here.. it's human to have issues and it's also human to have trust issues after a series of relationships. Let's face it there's a lot of people out there with trust issues and stuff from previous relationships. But if what happened in your previous relationship influences heavily what you are doing in your next relationship then maybe you need to cool it about moving on and stop and think about this a bit more.

I mean you say 'screwed over'. Which means? Did someone batter you? Abuse you? Rape you? Take you for every last dime? Or did they cheat on you? What do you mean by 'screwed over'?

Oh and how come it's 'almost all' your relationships? What is this? Is this karma because you were Genghis Khan or Joseph Stalin in a previous life? Why do you think people consistently screw you over?

Three things, okay?

ONE - You are responsible, responsible for everything you say, everything you do, everything you think, and have been ever since you were born. You have control of your mind, you make the decisions, you say the words, you act, and all this together is what defines your life.
TWO - You always have a choice. Making choices, and decisions, and acting upon them, this is what determines your course not only through life, but also through relationships. You might not always have the ideal choice there in front of you, but no matter where you are, what you are doing, and who you are with, there will always be a choice.
THREE - Relationships occur in cycles. If you find that your relationships are developing consistently along a similar pattern, or you're having relationships with similar people, and the same things happen, then maybe you need to stop and think about what it is about the way you communicate or behave in a relationship, or the way you think, which is causing the cycle to complete and repeat itself.

quote:

ORIGINAL: Cipher15

I guess that's why I enjoy being a Dominant more than a submissive.



I guess my question here is are you actually a Dominant or not?

This is not a theatre, we are not like professional actors, Dominant, submissive or switch aren't roles you can pick up and drop willy nilly, or play or even perform. This isn't usually something we do to spice up a relationship, but something we do because it is who we are as people.

When you look deep inside yourself, and go back over the years, what and who do you see?

quote:

ORIGINAL: Cipher15

It doesn't matter what happens, but when I think things are going wrong, I get pissed and then back off so that she gets upset, or just flat out dump her.



And you think this is being a Dominant? Or have I missed something here?

Perhaps you can explain to me the sense in this strategy of 'getting pissed' and then 'backing off' so as to upset someone. or dumping them. Does it work? Is it bringing the desired results?

Have you ever thought about doing the simple thing, which many adults do, you know? Sit down, talk, listen, try to understand and try to seek out some sort of understanding or compromise? I guess this comes back to choice, doesn't it? The opportunities for understanding and compromise are always there, if you're prepared to make the effort.

quote:

ORIGINAL: Cipher15

Now my S.O. and sub just confessed to having sex with another girl, without my knowledge or permission, if I had known I would probably be more ok with it than I am right now. She said she was just drunk and it kinda just happened but I'm seriously considering ending our relationship, since trust is the most important thing to me and I feel she broke it.



Now like others have already posted it's down to you what you do in this situation (choices, remember?) but I'd pay attention to that part I bolded.

Think about this. Now it's not just the fact that she's put her own desires and that of another girl before your feelings and wishes, but - see the explanation - she's also put a bottle of alcohol before them too.

Things to me don't just 'kinda happen', they happen because people make them happen (decisions and choices again, isn't it?) but this 'just kinda happened' because she was drunk. Is that the sort of person you want to be with in a relationship? Someone who loses self-control and all sense of responsibility when they drink?

Think about it.

quote:

ORIGINAL: Cipher15

So my question to everyone is should I give her another chance, end it, or something completely different?



I think to be honest before you give anyone else a chance you need to start with yourself and giving you a chance.

It's okay to have baggage from the past in your life, but if you do, you owe it to yourself to make sure that you can find the handle and make sure you can carry it first before trying to drag it through life and bring it into another relationship.

I think you need to look within a bit more and do a bit more exploring and discovery within yourself so that you can work things out so that nobody else 'screws you over' in a relationship.

I think that if you are seriously looking at being in a fulfilling relationship as a Dominant you need to start taking control of things in your own life, learning the answers, and getting used to making the choices and decisions which give you that control first, before you start with anyone else.

Just my take on it.

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Profile   Post #: 36
RE: What to do when S.O. has sex with another girl - 7/14/2012 2:05:04 PM   
littlewonder


Posts: 15659
Status: offline 		For me it depends. Being he is my Master, he has the right to do anything at all he wants, which includes sleeping with other women, even though he says he has no desire to do so.

If one day he told me he had sex with someone else and he said it was just for the sex and he used a condom then ok, I'm ok with that...thrilled and happy? No...ok with it? Sure.

If he said he had sex with someone else and wanted her as his slave also or had feelings towards her, I would most likely end the relationship with him since I'm just not cut out for poly and I know it would destroy us in the end anyway.

I guess you need to decided for yourself how you feel towards it. You two need to sit down and talk it out and find out where you both lie within this.


ETA: Just saw you said you have been cheated on by every single person you have ever been with. If this is true, you really need to take a look at the people you are choosing to have relationships with. What do they all have in common in why you are choosing them? Are you choosing them because of your own fears about relationships? Are you choosing the same types because you think the "bad girl" is hot, kinda like some women find the "bad boy" hot?

Take a break and ask yourself some hard questions or find someone that you can talk to to help you decipher this.


< Message edited by littlewonder -- 7/14/2012 2:11:12 PM >

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Profile   Post #: 37
RE: What to do when S.O. has sex with another girl - 7/14/2012 4:35:12 PM   
kitkat105


Posts: 1690
Joined: 11/29/2011
From: Eating dutch crunch in the Silicon Valley
Status: offline 		Cheating is cheating. Drunk or not. If you aren't poly or in an open relationship... that's verging on a dealbreaker for me personally.

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Profile   Post #: 38
RE: What to do when S.O. has sex with another girl - 7/15/2012 6:38:43 AM   
xssve


Posts: 3589
Joined: 10/10/2009
Status: offline 		Seems to me like you have a good opportunity to punish her, keep her on a short leash, use your imagination, if she can't control that pussy you will, etc.

To what extent you can get over your trust issues thereby is going to be a subjective to you personally, as a dom I believe I would demand some kind of satisfaction, but then I'm older and more philosophical about it.

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Profile   Post #: 39
RE: What to do when S.O. has sex with another girl - 7/15/2012 6:50:29 AM   
xssve


Posts: 3589
Joined: 10/10/2009
Status: offline 		Some thoughts, drinking is usually an excuse to overcome inhibitions, perhaps she wants to explore her bi-side, if she's already bi, then maybe she just has a need to indulge it without you occasionally, I don't know you, hard to say, but my first instinct when somebody has to drink to do something is to make them do it stone cold sober, which can entail significant psychological stress, but it my feeling one should accept whatever part of themselves they're hiding from themselves - and you, drinking is a crutch and a cop out.

A hard dick has no conscience, I suspect there's more than a few wet pussies the same way, kinda they way we're made. Objectify it, it's like a little animal you have to tame, otherwise the short leash applies.

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