RE: What to do when S.O. has sex with another girl

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RE: What to do when S.O. has sex with another girl - 7/15/2012 12:30:38 PM

wildernessbitch

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quote:

ORIGINAL: JeffBC

so just because she cheats doesn't equate to poly.
I'm looking for where I used the word "poly" and I can't find it. But do carry on with your diatribe. This is most amusing.

Sorry, since you said she was not monogamous it sounds like you are inferring that she is poly. I do not believe that everyone who cheats would qualify as being poly.

But when someone in a theoretically monogamous relationship cheats I have to observe two things:

a) They lack honor.
b) They had some drive to break those rules. They wanted to have sex with someone other than their partner. Does that sound like someone "wired monogamously" to you? It sounds to me more like someone who is "wired" to want multiple partners but stuck in a society where such things are frowned upon.
See in case b you are making her sound like a victim of societies rules and that is what i am calling bullshit to. If she wants to have other sexual partners then she should tell the man who believes they are exclusive so unless someone has had that conversation, I am more likely to buy into the first option.

But out of curiosity, what exactly does that word "monogamous" mean to you?
It means exclusively being with one person. A person could cheat once and never do it again though so what would you call that person?

Oh and Jeff, I wasn't calling YOU out. I was calling your idea out. There is a difference. Generally, we agree on many topics. I read far more than I post.

Edited to fix quotes

< Message edited by wildernessbitch -- 7/15/2012 12:31:52 PM >

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RE: What to do when S.O. has sex with another girl - 7/15/2012 12:59:07 PM

JeffBC

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quote:

ORIGINAL: wildernessbitch
Sorry, since you said she was not monogamous it sounds like you are inferring that she is poly. I do not believe that everyone who cheats would qualify as being poly.

Hrrrmmmm... perhaps I'm not versed well enough in these words. But I kind of thought that polyamorous was what you were when you weren't monogamous. I wonder if I'm using sociologist/biologist definitions and that's the confusion. But yeah... if they're not monogamous then they gotta be something else, right?

See in case b...
I totally agree. I didn't mean them as "cases". I meant they were both true. You have a dishonorable person who is not "wired" monogamously.

It means exclusively being with one person. A person could cheat once and never do it again though so what would you call that person?
I'd call that person ?polyamorous? in that moment (along with dishonorable). Then I'd need to consider a larger view of them to ponder some sort of overall characterization.

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RE: What to do when S.O. has sex with another girl - 7/15/2012 1:06:41 PM

DesFIP

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quote:

ORIGINAL: sexyred1
Again, what does his insecurity or being a Dom have to do with the decision to cheat? If she was unhappy with him, as a Dom or otherwise and even he is insecure, there was a trust factor implicit in the relationship (I assume).

So, if she was unhappy or just wanted to have sex with someone else, how about discussing it with him, rather than just doing it?

I cannot see his insecurities as justification for her cheating.

It isn't a justification. But it points out his difficulties in picking healthy partners and it suggests a problem, that if he resolves, might prevent recurrences of this in the future.

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RE: What to do when S.O. has sex with another girl - 7/15/2012 1:17:00 PM

SWDesertDom

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RE: What to do when S.O. has sex with another girl - 7/15/2012 1:23:47 PM

LadyPact

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quote:

ORIGINAL: wildernessbitch
Sorry, since you said she was not monogamous it sounds like you are inferring that she is poly. I do not believe that everyone who cheats would qualify as being poly.

quote:

Hrrrmmmm... perhaps I'm not versed well enough in these words. But I kind of thought that polyamorous was what you were when you weren't monogamous. I wonder if I'm using sociologist/biologist definitions and that's the confusion. But yeah... if they're not monogamous then they gotta be something else, right?

See in case b...
I totally agree. I didn't mean them as "cases". I meant they were both true. You have a dishonorable person who is not "wired" monogamously.

It means exclusively being with one person. A person could cheat once and never do it again though so what would you call that person?
I'd call that person ?polyamorous? in that moment (along with dishonorable). Then I'd need to consider a larger view of them to ponder some sort of overall characterization.

Sorry, that doesn't make a person poly. It makes them a person who has cheated. That still falls under the umbrella on non-monogamy. Open relationships are also considered non-monogamy, but that doesn't make open relationships poly, either. If you are really looking for two categories, there is monogamy (which is pretty straight forward) and non monogamy, which can be anything that is something other than one on one.
Those various sub categories don't necessarily equate each other and why they all have various terms to describe them all.

OP, I agree with everything that was said here by those who said don't label yourself a Dominant just because you have trouble navigating relationships. Being Dominant, as you have come to learn, doesn't prevent poor behavior in your partners. It's not the easier path to better relationships or a way to never get hurt.

Here's what you really need to ask yourself. Does it really matter to you the gender of who your SO cheated with? Did it change anything about the betrayal that was committed because of the *kind* of sex she was after?

For the record, I agree with Chris Rock. Sex is not an accident. It's not like you are walking down the street, tripped, and your genitals are suddenly up close and personal to another person's genitals.

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RE: What to do when S.O. has sex with another girl - 7/15/2012 2:54:03 PM

PeonForHer

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quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyPact
It's not like you are walking down the street, tripped, and your genitals are suddenly up close and personal to another person's genitals.

Why not? Happens to me all the time.

LP, you have mail, damnit!

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RE: What to do when S.O. has sex with another girl - 7/15/2012 4:39:57 PM

LadyPact

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Did it come with the aforementioned tripping and bumping of genitals?

Kidding, kidding.

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RE: What to do when S.O. has sex with another girl - 7/15/2012 4:52:09 PM

joeleyre

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I read the three posts after your OP, but I didn't want to go reading through everybody elses opinions before giving you my honest one......

One red flag can be passable, and it is sort of the "screw me once, shame on you, screw me twice, shame on me" theory I am going with here.

If this was her only offence, and she claims the offence was due to her drinking, and you feel you are truly a responcible Dom, tell her she will not touch ANYTHING that is not medically perscried to her by a licenced physician again if she hopes to be allowed to serve you. She already admitted to you that was what caused the first issue, I do believe everyone deserves a second chance, but if she can not comply, drop her like a bad habit.

If she promises to stay away from the booze, and does so, you have passed that one red flag. Hopefully there won't be another. Give her a second chance.

< Message edited by joeleyre -- 7/15/2012 4:55:55 PM >

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RE: What to do when S.O. has sex with another girl - 7/15/2012 9:52:52 PM

Whiplashsmile4

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To be extremely sarcastic towards your trust issues....

Dude, she's decided to become a meanest nasties heartbreaking bitch out to rip out your heart, stomp your dick into the ground and prove how much of a man you ain't by... getting fucked up and having sex with another women. She's out to trash your whole fucking life, that was her game plan all along. To use you up, treat lower than the dog shit in the backyard then run over you with the lawn mower.

How dare she even entertain the notion of doing anything wild, exciting or even pleasurable in life.. she has to live her life in the same exact miserable fearful insecure state of life as you are in. Her whole universe of pleasure and happiness comes from you and only you in this world. Scares you doesn't it? that she could find pleasure with somebody besides you? Means you can be replaced and tossed aside like a worthless rag doll.

Have you considered that what she DID was not about you, at all? Perhaps, was more about her? She's no more selfish than you are in reality. When you compare things here.

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RE: What to do when S.O. has sex with another girl - 7/15/2012 10:47:16 PM

wildernessbitch

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Great distinction LadyPact that was a distinction that I was looking for.

And Jeff, I get your mono vs poly concept in clinical terms but in life terms they get a bit cloudier if that makes sense.

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RE: What to do when S.O. has sex with another girl - 7/16/2012 4:35:10 AM

kalikshama

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quote:

Hrrrmmmm... perhaps I'm not versed well enough in these words. But I kind of thought that polyamorous was what you were when you weren't monogamous. I wonder if I'm using sociologist/biologist definitions and that's the confusion. But yeah... if they're not monogamous then they gotta be something else, right?

Usually people mean poly-amory - many loves, which denotes a relationship of some sort, not just getting drunk and fucking. But sometimes they mean poly-fuckery, in which case your understanding is correct.

M and I had this difference of understanding regarding definitions.

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RE: What to do when S.O. has sex with another girl - 7/16/2012 8:32:21 AM

Kana

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quote:

quote:

ORIGINAL: Cipher15

So a little backstory on this one, I've been screwed over by almost all of my past relationships so much that I have severe trust issues.

This is the issue.
Get over this before you enter a new relationship.
Nothing, and I mean nothing, is worse than where there's a 3rd party in the bed, and the 3rd party is a ghost.
It's not fair to you.
It's not fair to the one you are with.
And it will certainly strain, if not ruin, things if and/or when you pull the wreckage of the past into the future.

Heal yourself (And part of the healing is processing, learning and growing), become a whole human being (you know, like one worth serving) and then go out and get into another interaction or learn how to bring trust into yours.

Because a relationship not based on trust is doomed to fail, it's foundation is built on sand, not mortar.
And your issue isn't not trusting her, it's that you have distrust in yourself.

< Message edited by Kana -- 7/16/2012 8:34:10 AM >

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RE: What to do when S.O. has sex with another girl - 7/16/2012 8:50:45 PM

AngelOfSilence

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quote:

So my question to everyone is should I give her another chance, end it, or something completely different?

Forget about it and go on with your life. Its just sex.

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RE: What to do when S.O. has sex with another girl - 8/8/2012 6:23:14 PM

SailingBum

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Were it me... I'd dump the bitch

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RE: What to do when S.O. has sex with another girl - 8/8/2012 8:13:05 PM

sunshinemiss

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quote:

ORIGINAL: Cipher15

I've been screwed over by almost all of my past relationships so much that I have severe trust issues. I guess that's why I enjoy being a Dominant more than a submissive.

You enjoy being a Dom more than a submissive because you have trust issues.

O.o

Ohhhhhh kayyyyyyyy....

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