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Help? - 7/14/2012 9:26:25 AM   
DesiresFury


Posts: 28
Joined: 7/14/2012
Status: offline 		Maybe you can give me some advice. I'm new to this board and may not know the correct terminology. So please excuse. I found out after hooking up with my boyfriend, that he's into this kind of thing. He's submissive, or even a slave. I'm not really a dominant person. But I tried to accommodate him as best I could. I guess it wasn't good enough. I found out recently that he's been trying to hook up with others on Craigslist. As a matter of fact, I'm pretty sure he's a member here, although I don't know his username. I really love him and don't want to lose him. Any advice for me?
Profile   Post #: 1
RE: Help? - 7/14/2012 9:49:20 AM   
Killerangel


Posts: 1169
Joined: 8/3/2010
Status: offline 		While I give you major points for wanting to fulfill your bf are you sure that's the best course to take? He sounds like a douche for trying to cheat on you- probably already has. I mean BDSM is pretty awesome I think, but i do it for myself, not because someone else wants me to. I'm just wondering about your motivation here and if it'll make you happy in the end.

(in reply to DesiresFury)
Profile   Post #: 2
RE: Help? - 7/14/2012 9:52:18 AM   
JeffBC


Posts: 5799
Joined: 2/12/2012
From: Canada
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Killerangel
While I give you major points for wanting to fulfill your bf are you sure that's the best course to take? He sounds like a douche for trying to cheat on you

That

quote:

i do it for myself, not because someone else wants me to. I'm just wondering about your motivation here and if it'll make you happy in the end.

Carol does it for me... because she loves the bejeebers out of me. That seems to work out pretty well for us.


_____________________________

I'm a lover of "what is", not because I'm a spiritual person, but because it hurts when I argue with reality. -- Bryon Katie
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officially a member of the K Crowd

(in reply to Killerangel)
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RE: Help? - 7/14/2012 9:52:43 AM   
Lockit


Posts: 11292
Joined: 5/7/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: DesiresFury

Maybe you can give me some advice. I'm new to this board and may not know the correct terminology. So please excuse. I found out after hooking up with my boyfriend, that he's into this kind of thing. He's submissive, or even a slave. I'm not really a dominant person. But I tried to accommodate him as best I could. I guess it wasn't good enough. I found out recently that he's been trying to hook up with others on Craigslist. As a matter of fact, I'm pretty sure he's a member here, although I don't know his username. I really love him and don't want to lose him. Any advice for me?


Love yourself and health more than you love him. You are not dominant and cannot give him what he wants and his choice is to threaten you and your relationship by hooking up? Be smarter than that.

_____________________________

No matter how old a woman gets, some men will think she was born yesterday! ROFL... I love this place!


(in reply to DesiresFury)
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RE: Help? - 7/14/2012 9:53:47 AM   
DesiresFury


Posts: 28
Joined: 7/14/2012
Status: offline 		Thank you for your response. I'm not even sure what my motivation is. I just feel like, if I could have been more like he wanted, he wouldn't have had to go elsewhere. I had never done anything like that before, and apparently, I wasn't very good at it. Although, I did try to learn more about it.

(in reply to Killerangel)
Profile   Post #: 5
RE: Help? - 7/14/2012 9:57:40 AM   
OsideGirl


Posts: 14442
Joined: 7/1/2005
From: United States
Status: offline 		The thing is that for the most part, you're either dominant or you're not. But, that doesn't mean that there aren't people out there who have learned.

There's a good book "When someone you love is Kinky" that may help you.

As for the him hooking up, that's up to you to determine whether you really want to save the relationship.

_____________________________

Give a girl the right shoes and she will conquer the world. ~ Marilyn Monroe

The Accelerated Velocity of Terminological Inexactitude

(in reply to Killerangel)
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RE: Help? - 7/14/2012 10:08:43 AM   
DesiresFury


Posts: 28
Joined: 7/14/2012
Status: offline 		Thank you all for your responses.

(in reply to OsideGirl)
Profile   Post #: 7
RE: Help? - 7/14/2012 10:10:19 AM   
Lucifyre


Posts: 1067
Joined: 3/27/2012
Status: offline 		He sounds like a jerk and simply based on yout statement that you tried to learn for him tells me you deserve way better.
Before going to look for some "strange" he should have at the very least had the courtesy to speak with you about his role and his needs and given you the opportunity to allow him to have his BDSM needs met by someone else or even possibly helped you to find a mentor to help you learn better.
Personally I say if you're truely interestes in exploring this lifestyle you need to find someone who will have your well being at heart rather than thier own hard on.
Of course since he's already given you just cause to kick his ass to the curb, you have the upper hand and the right to make the decisions on what to do next.
Next move is yours, where do you want things to go from here?

Lucifyre

_____________________________

"Batteries? OMG, Bitch Please! My Shit plugs in!"
I do this because it fucking feels good.
I like girls who like girls
The thing about standards is: There are SO many to choose from.

(in reply to OsideGirl)
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RE: Help? - 7/14/2012 10:18:25 AM   
pyschosubmission


Posts: 1109
Joined: 7/6/2012
From: Glasgow, Scotland
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Killerangel

He sounds like a douche for trying to cheat on you


Have to completely agree with Killerangel there, not only is it a complete betrayal of trust but also completely disrespectful.

You said you were learning about it, well done! Everyone starts out somewhere, he should know and appreciate the great lengths you are going to for him. If he can't see or understand that, then (at least in my opinion) it would seem the relationship is exceptionally one sided

_____________________________

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(in reply to Killerangel)
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RE: Help? - 7/14/2012 10:38:50 AM   
TNDommeK


Posts: 7153
Joined: 3/13/2010
Status: offline 		Read 50 shades of Grey, it will tell you everything.

TOTALLY kidding. Yea pretty much what others have said. Don't let your boyfriend be a douche to you.

_____________________________

Goddess of Duck Lips and Luxurious Hair
The working Fin Domme
Professional con artist, swindler, trixster, extortionist

Our snark-nado needs more cowbell


(in reply to pyschosubmission)
Profile   Post #: 10
RE: Help? - 7/14/2012 11:26:26 AM   
lizi


Posts: 4673
Joined: 2/1/2009
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: DesiresFury

Thank you for your response. I'm not even sure what my motivation is. I just feel like, if I could have been more like he wanted, he wouldn't have had to go elsewhere. I had never done anything like that before, and apparently, I wasn't very good at it. Although, I did try to learn more about it.


It's awesome that you were giving this all a shot for him, what more could he ask for really? He should be there with you helping and introducing you to things. It just seems like he is looking to go outside your relationship, in other words, have his cake and eat it too. Sometimes all people like that need is a good excuse, and his is that you're not Dominant, so off he goes to find random hook ups. If you were a Domme, he could possibly choose something else. Some people are never happy, ya know? If he were ever going to be happy with you, the fact that you were hanging in there through his jackassery (trolling CL is a great way to infect YOU with something) and still trying to make him happy - that would have counted enough that the two of you would be trying to give it a go instead of just you working on things while he's looking for others. I'm sorry, it just sounds like he's not as invested in the relationship as you are.

Sometimes you just can't change yourself inside out for someone. You have to move on to find a better fit. This seems to be one of those times. You have a lot to offer and a willingness to work on things that will mean incredible riches to some lucky guy. Don't let someone else define you or make you feel inadequate, it might just be as simple as a mismatch with the two of you.

(in reply to DesiresFury)
Profile   Post #: 11
RE: Help? - 7/14/2012 12:06:00 PM   
AAkasha


Posts: 4429
Joined: 11/27/2004
Status: offline 		Hello DesiresFury,

It's hard to give any advice without knowing a lot more about the situation, but a lot of the times a submissive man's dissatisfaction with the way his girlfriend enacts her dominant desires is her lack of confidence, enjoyment, and "is she really enjoying it or just doing it for me?" type of feeling. Clearly you are just doing it for him. And maybe not "hardcore" enough. Or a combination of both. And maybe these are two obstacles you can never overcome -- or maybe they aren't.

I wrote a lot about how "non kinky women" might better understand what female domination feels like from a femdom's POV and I am starting to repost things over at the Creative Writings Section here. Here's a link to my Good Girls Guide to Female Domination:

http://www.collarchat.com/m_4171453/tm.htm

Akasha

_____________________________

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Don't email me here, email me at [email protected]

(in reply to DesiresFury)
Profile   Post #: 12
RE: Help? - 7/14/2012 12:27:57 PM   
JanahX


Posts: 3443
Joined: 8/21/2010
Status: offline 		First off, are you two in a monogamous relationship?
If so, then why do you love him a lot if hes looking for someone else? You do know that its just a matter of WHEN - he finds that person, hes gonna dump you right?

You may love him, but its apparent he doesnt love you. At least not in the sense that he is willing to make you the only person he wants to have an intimate relationship with. Or cares enough about your feelings that this may hurt you.

When guys are looking on the side - its because they feel they are settling, and dont want to have a space in between where they are alone. They can have an instant replacement- where they wont be lonely, They dont care about where this will leave you. That or they get a high by cheating - the "Im getting away with something." Be careful - because if he is, you dont know what he's bringing home.

quote:

ORIGINAL: DesiresFury

Maybe you can give me some advice. I'm new to this board and may not know the correct terminology. So please excuse. I found out after hooking up with my boyfriend, that he's into this kind of thing. He's submissive, or even a slave. I'm not really a dominant person. But I tried to accommodate him as best I could. I guess it wasn't good enough. I found out recently that he's been trying to hook up with others on Craigslist. As a matter of fact, I'm pretty sure he's a member here, although I don't know his username. I really love him and don't want to lose him. Any advice for me?



< Message edited by JanahX -- 7/14/2012 12:29:07 PM >

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The second rule of Fight Club is you do not talk about Fight Club.


(in reply to DesiresFury)
Profile   Post #: 13
RE: Help? - 7/14/2012 12:42:46 PM   
Lockit


Posts: 11292
Joined: 5/7/2007
Status: offline 		Fast Reply

Teaching women to understand submissive or kinky men is okay. Teaching women that simply want to please their man to keep him... while he cheats and puts her at risk... isn't saving a relationship with a worthy d/s ingredient, but teaching women to please men that have no respect for the women and are willing to cause harm to get their kink on.

Bull shit.

< Message edited by Lockit -- 7/14/2012 12:43:24 PM >

_____________________________

No matter how old a woman gets, some men will think she was born yesterday! ROFL... I love this place!


(in reply to JanahX)
Profile   Post #: 14
RE: Help? - 7/14/2012 12:59:37 PM   
DarkSteven


Posts: 28072
Joined: 5/2/2008
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: DesiresFury

Thank you for your response. I'm not even sure what my motivation is. I just feel like, if I could have been more like he wanted, he wouldn't have had to go elsewhere. I had never done anything like that before, and apparently, I wasn't very good at it. Although, I did try to learn more about it.



I've only heard your side, but here's the tally thus far.

Him: Got into a relationship with a non-kinky person without being honest about his submissive nature. Sprung it as a surprise. Tried one or two sessions with you topping him, gave up, and then decided to cheat on you.

You: When he sprung on you that he wanted to be Topped, you tried to do it. When he cheated on you, blamed yourself. Now trying to find out how to salvage the relationship. You sound like a real sweetie, one who deserves better.

He's bad news. Not only did he expect you to pick it all up immediately, but he "dumped" you and started looking for other women when it didn't work out. If he cared about you and the relationship, he would have encouraged you and gradually got you to improve your skills. It's hard to find women interested in doing this, so you can expect him to "audition" and move on from a parade of women, never finding a match. He's fueled by porn fantasies, and reality will never match his expectations.

DesiresFury, your writing and thought processes seem to indicate to me that pleasing your partner is huge for you. I bet that you would make a wonderful submissive to some lucky Dominant man.

_____________________________

"You women....

The small-breasted ones want larger breasts. The large-breasted ones want smaller ones. The straight-haired ones curl their hair, and the curly-haired ones straighten theirs...

Quit fretting. We men love you."

(in reply to DesiresFury)
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RE: Help? - 7/14/2012 1:12:44 PM   
lizi


Posts: 4673
Joined: 2/1/2009
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: DarkSteven

DesiresFury, your writing and thought processes seem to indicate to me that pleasing your partner is huge for you. I bet that you would make a wonderful submissive to some lucky Dominant man.


Actually that is what i was thinking as well, that she seemed to be submissive. Just didn't want to add in any confusion, but hey....as long as it's out there now I'll add in my and say it looks extremely possible OP that you are concentrating on the wrong side of things here trying to force yourself into being something you aren't, while ignoring something that seems to fit you.

(in reply to DarkSteven)
Profile   Post #: 16
RE: Help? - 7/14/2012 1:41:49 PM   
crazyml


Posts: 5568
Joined: 7/3/2007
Status: offline 		Kerbingo!

Welcome to the boards, you've already had some awesome replies, here's mine...

You sound like a lovely, giving person, who can do WAY better than the dude you're with.

_____________________________

Remember.... There's always somewhere on the planet where it's jackass o'clock.

(in reply to DesiresFury)
Profile   Post #: 17
RE: Help? - 7/14/2012 1:53:09 PM   
littlewonder


Posts: 15659
Status: offline 		I hate to be cruel here but I'm sorry but I don't think you two are going to work out unless you can magically change your personality to want to dominate him. He's already started looking elsewhere which says you can't meet his desires.


_____________________________

Nothing has changed
Everything has changed

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Profile   Post #: 18
RE: Help? - 7/14/2012 2:35:53 PM   
DesiresFury


Posts: 28
Joined: 7/14/2012
Status: offline 		I thank you all for your feedback. My bf and I have been together 3 years. We were supposed to be married. And I THOUGHT we were in an exclusive relationship. Up until a couple of days ago, I did not know that he was displeased. He never told me. I would have gladly done things differently. Even though, to be honest, it made me uncomfortable and felt unnatural. Maybe that was the problem. I was trying to be something that goes against my nature. Anyway, thanks again and I guess I'll be moving along now.

(in reply to littlewonder)
Profile   Post #: 19
RE: Help? - 7/14/2012 2:44:32 PM   
lizi


Posts: 4673
Joined: 2/1/2009
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: DesiresFury

I thank you all for your feedback. My bf and I have been together 3 years. We were supposed to be married. And I THOUGHT we were in an exclusive relationship. Up until a couple of days ago, I did not know that he was displeased. He never told me. I would have gladly done things differently. Even though, to be honest, it made me uncomfortable and felt unnatural. Maybe that was the problem. I was trying to be something that goes against my nature. Anyway, thanks again and I guess I'll be moving along now.


Well you dodged a bullet then. Had you gotten married to someone who lied to you about their sexuality from the start and then tried cheating on you to get what he desired it would have been heartbreak. The fact that he never told you speaks volumes....why be with someone who can't communicate? He's been with you that long and deliberately been lying to you the whole time. You don't need that. Someday you'll look back and that God that you did find out the depth of his betrayal to you and that you got out when you did before having a lifetime of it and maybe having kids added into the mix.

Don't go, you can stick around in the forums and weigh in on topics that resonate with you.
I do hope you find peace in whatever you choose to do.

(in reply to DesiresFury)
Profile   Post #: 20
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