Maybe I'm not submissive, just confused (Full Version)

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DsPet -> Maybe I'm not submissive, just confused (7/14/2012 12:01:25 PM)

I'll try to keep this brief. I've been divorced quite some time and started dating (vanilla) again a year ago. Four months into dating I met my Master - only it was a completely vanilla relationship. There was never any thought in my mind that I was submissive and the subject never came up. The relationship was turbulent because he was never really certain he wanted anything more than companionship. I don't think he believed he would connect so deeply with someone and fall in love. But he did and I did, very quickly. I was adamant about wanting a serious, longterm, monogamous relationship hopefully leading (eventually) to marriage. But during the 8 months (on and off) that we've been together, he has kept me separate from the rest of his life. We haven't really "dated" much other than a few dinners out or meals and a movie at home.

During one of our "breaks," I met someone who became a friend. He was married (he lied about it but I found out) and nothing ever happened between us but we became friends anyway. He was very helpful in talking to me about my relationship and, as it turned out, he was a Dom. He said he recognized sub tendencies in me. Namely, I revealed to him that in this on and off relationship, I had never felt so deeply in love with someone. That all my pleasure came from seeing him happy and content. I had never in my life put someone else's needs above my own, except with my children. It was very new to me and a little unsettling. My friend suggested that I might be a natural submissive. We talked about it a lot and I said that I could not see myself as a submissive to anyone except for a man that I loved that deeply. And even then, it was foreign and somehow wrong to me. Yes, I am one of those strong women in the rest of my life: educated, successful professional in a male-dominated profession. But I also knew that after 20 years of being in control of every aspect of my life, that having someone else be in control of my personal life had its appeal. I have always been attracted to strong alpha males. I just never loved one enough to do anything he wanted of me.

So when my Master and I were talking about giving things another try, I told him I thought I might have submissive tendencies and was this something he wanted to explore. He was said he had never been a full-on Dom but had "dabbled" and was very interested in us seeing how that worked for us.

Here are the issues I'm having:

1. Our relationship still doesn't include me being incorporated into His life. I haven't met any of His friends or family and He hasn't met mine. We haven't gone out in ages. When we get together, He usually summons me to His place or tells me He's coming to mine. I am expected to have food and drink available for Him but we do not go out to eat. In other words, it is more a D/s booty call. I'm not satisfied with that. I have always wanted a full relationship and that hasn't changed with our new roles.

2. There are certain aspects of the D/s relationship that I rebel against. For example, I don't have a very high tolerance for pain. I enjoy some roughness (spanking, hair pulling) but not to the point of it being painful enough to bring tears. To me that is abusive and humiliating. Also, His use of the terms "slut and whore" are bothersome to me. Most likely He means them as terms of endearment. I am proud of acting like a slut and whore for HIM but that's not my nature generally and I need to be certain He doesn't view me as that way. Quite honestly, He was my first partner after 8 years of celibacy and I haven't been with anyone else.

I do not know if my submissiveness is just a reaction of my feelings for my Master because I really could not imagine myself being this way with anyone else. And I don't know if He keeps me in his life just because of the D/s relationship and still really has no interest in a longterm relationship. I can't stay with Him (as much as I adore Him and as much as it would hurt to leave Him) if all this is is play to Him. I still want and need a complete relationship.

If anyone has any thoughts or experience with relationship-specific submission, I could really use your advice. Thanks!



kalikshama -> RE: Maybe I'm not submissive, just confused (7/14/2012 12:31:18 PM)

quote:

I can't stay with Him (as much as I adore Him and as much as it would hurt to leave Him) if all this is is play to Him.

From how you've described your relationship, it clearly IS just play to him. I think you already know this.

quote:

There are certain aspects of the D/s relationship that I rebel against. For example, I don't have a very high tolerance for pain. I enjoy some roughness (spanking, hair pulling) but not to the point of it being painful enough to bring tears. To me that is abusive and humiliating. Also, His use of the terms "slut and whore" are bothersome to me. Most likely He means them as terms of endearment. I am proud of acting like a slut and whore for HIM but that's not my nature generally and I need to be certain He doesn't view me as that way.

I like being called versions of "naughty little slut" but use of the word "worthless" is a hard limit for me. You are allowed to have limits and boundaries. What's his reaction been when you asked him not to call you slut/whore? Or due to you wanting to please him, have you refrained from mentioning this? That does both of you a disservice. Doms are not mind readers.

While you could certainly attempt to renegotiate new ways of relating, his unwillingness to add you to his life after eight months leads me to believe that the two of you are not a good fit and you should seek someone who is a better match. Look for someone who is more a Dominant than a Sadist and who will treat you as you want and deserve to be treated.

I briefly dated someone who told me he loved me but his actions clearly said this was a fuck buddy relationship. I dumped him, mostly because the inconsistency was making me crazy.



kalikshama -> RE: Maybe I'm not submissive, just confused (7/14/2012 12:33:05 PM)

quote:

Yes, I am one of those strong women in the rest of my life: educated, successful professional in a male-dominated profession. But I also knew that after 20 years of being in control of every aspect of my life, that having someone else be in control ... had its appeal. I have always been attracted to strong alpha males.


Me too!



AthenaSurrenders -> RE: Maybe I'm not submissive, just confused (7/14/2012 12:40:17 PM)

If you have a strong desire to submit to someone, go ahead and call yourself a submissive. Only wanting to submit to a person you deeply love doesn't make you less submissive, it just means that submission and love go together for you. It is the same for me and many other submissives you will bump into round here. So don't worry too much about that.

What I'm getting from your post is not that you are uncertain whether submission is for you, but that you are uncertain whether this relationship is for you.

Here's what it sounds like to me (correct me if I misunderstood):
- You went through a divorce and spent some time not dating
- You met this guy and fell for him pretty hard
- Your relationship has been a bit on and off and you don't feel like he is looking to commit
- Your needs aren't being met - you don't go out much, you don't know his family or friends, you feel like a booty call when you want a serious relationship
- You aren't keen on some of his kinky interests

Now some of that can be easily ironed out - you could sit down with him and say that you need less of the verbal humiliation and pain, or at least some time to build up to it and explore it to see if you can get into it. That's fine. You might never like those things. You could probably find a compromise. But either way if you don't like it you need to speak up for yourself.
However, if he only wants a booty call, D/s or not, are you going to be happy to settle for that?

Ask yourself some questions. You don't need to tell us but have a good think. Do you want to submit? Take him out of the picture and imagine a new man. Do you picture yourself serving him, obeying him? Are you excited by the idea of being given orders? When you lie in bed at night do you fantasize about someone taking charge, either in the bedroom or out of it? If so, maybe you need to think about looking for someone who wants to explore that with you and also wants a romantic relationship. If not, perhaps you are just having fun with this one guy's kinks. Either way he sounds like he's not on the same page as you.

If you do decide you want to have a D/s relationship with someone, go ahead and be picky. Don't let anyone tell you that you're not submissive because you have needs. It's perfectly ok to chose a partner who fits what you need and want, and if that means holding out for someone who wants a serious relationship and doesn't like the verbal abuse, that's fine. You can be submissive and still be selective about who you submit to.



JanahX -> RE: Maybe I'm not submissive, just confused (7/14/2012 1:00:40 PM)

This is going to sound harsh but .....

quote:

So when my Master and I were talking about giving things another try, I told him I thought I might have submissive tendencies and was this something he wanted to explore. He was said he had never been a full-on Dom but had "dabbled" and was very interested in us seeing how that worked for us


OK - Im confused. How can this guy be your Master - if youre not his sub? That doenst make any sense to me.

quote:

1. Our relationship still doesn't include me being incorporated into His life. I haven't met any of His friends or family and He hasn't met mine. We haven't gone out in ages. When we get together, He usually summons me to His place or tells me He's coming to mine. I am expected to have food and drink available for Him but we do not go out to eat. In other words, it is more a D/s booty call. I'm not satisfied with that. I have always wanted a full relationship and that hasn't changed with our new roles.


You dont know this guy. Youre only are going by what he's telling you. You have no one to confirm that he's not in another relationship or that he is who he says he is. Youre playing by his rules and not respecting yourself. He obviously doenst care about what you want in a relationship. He just wants what he wants - and youre supplying it.

He's keeping you separate from the rest of his life for a REASON. Have you stopped to think about what these reasons are? Is he afraid that someone he knows is going to see you out with him and he's going to get busted? That someone who knows him well is going to tell you something that is going to contradict what he's told you? Or that someone that knows someone else he's involved with (or perhaps married to) - will tell that other person?

You state:
quote:

I don't think he believed he would connect so deeply with someone and fall in love. But he did and I did, very quickly.

I dont think so. I think you love him - based on some fantasy that he's told you. But I dont think he loves you. People that love you, want to incorporate you into their lives. All of it.


quote:

2. There are certain aspects of the D/s relationship that I rebel against. For example, I don't have a very high tolerance for pain. I enjoy some roughness (spanking, hair pulling) but not to the point of it being painful enough to bring tears. To me that is abusive and humiliating. Also, His use of the terms "slut and whore" are bothersome to me. Most likely He means them as terms of endearment. I am proud of acting like a slut and whore for HIM but that's not my nature generally and I need to be certain He doesn't view me as that way. Quite honestly, He was my first partner after 8 years of celibacy and I haven't been with anyone else.


Being a submissive doesnt mean that youre a masochist or that youre into humiliation. His kinks are not yours. Have you let him know that these things are not anything that youre interested in - or that they make you feel bad? If you have and he still is doing it, then he doesnt care about you and your welfare. He is selfish to the point where ruining you isnt a concern. He has little empathy for you or your well being.

quote:

I do not know if my submissiveness is just a reaction of my feelings for my Master because I really could not imagine myself being this way with anyone else. And I don't know if He keeps me in his life just because of the D/s relationship and still really has no interest in a longterm relationship. I can't stay with Him (as much as I adore Him and as much as it would hurt to leave Him) if all this is is play to Him. I still want and need a complete relationship.


WHY DONT YOU ASK HIM? It sounds like hes just using you.

Are you so desperate that you are willing to have this guy in your life that youre willing to give up your hopes and dreams for his "kink-on"?

Bottom line is that youre afraid to ask him some serious questions. Youre afraid because you know if you do, hes gonna blaze. (Another reason why I dont think he loves you.) You need to confront him with what youve asked this panel. There is little anyone here can advise you - because the only answers that are going to matter are going to be from him. And if I were you, Id make him PROVE IT. Make him put his money where his mouth is. Id bet ten bucks hes been lying to you about everything.

Grow a backbone and set your boundaries. Youre getting walked all over.




AthenaSurrenders -> RE: Maybe I'm not submissive, just confused (7/14/2012 1:03:43 PM)

Actually ignore everything I said - Janah's reply nailed it.



lizi -> RE: Maybe I'm not submissive, just confused (7/14/2012 1:04:03 PM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: DsPet
<snip>
I can't stay with Him (as much as I adore Him and as much as it would hurt to leave Him) if all this is is play to Him. I still want and need a complete relationship.



For me the above sentence tells me that you are wasting your time with this man if your eventual goal is a serious longterm relationship. It's been 8 months and you are still a booty call. You mention such deep feelings being involved on both sides, I can't see this as being entirely true on his side as he's holding himself away from you. You're good enough to feed him and fuck him, but not good enough to bring into his life.

He's not interested in pleasing you by doing things with you outside the home or even sexually - he doesn't seem to care to find out what flips your buttons. If this is all fine with you then great, because it seems as though its not changing - it all suits him.

As far as submission being relationship centered....yes, I'd agree with that to some degree. But if you are hanging on to him because he turns on your submissive switch, then I'd rethink if that is a good reason to stick with things. I think you'd find that another man could have the same effect on you if you cared to test things out. You said you wanted marriage in the long run. You're not going to get that from this guy.



JeffBC -> RE: Maybe I'm not submissive, just confused (7/14/2012 1:10:26 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: AthenaSurrenders
Only wanting to submit to a person you deeply love doesn't make you less submissive

Quite correct. I'm certain we all remember that only actually signing the marriage license dooms you to being "less submissive". :)

it just means that submission and love go together for you. It is the same for me and many other submissives you will bump into round here. So don't worry too much about that.
... and this dominant. I honestly cannot imagine why I'd take on the responsibility I do were it not for love. There are easier ways to get blowjobs.

Ask yourself some questions. You don't need to tell us but have a good think. Do you want to submit? Take him out of the picture and imagine a new man. Do you picture yourself serving him, obeying him? Are you excited by the idea of being given orders? When you lie in bed at night do you fantasize about someone taking charge, either in the bedroom or out of it? If so, maybe you need to think about looking for someone who wants to explore that with you and also wants a romantic relationship. If not, perhaps you are just having fun with this one guy's kinks.
Boy... Carol would flunk this test for certain. She doesn't really want to submit. It doesn't excite her. There are no fantasies. If someone had asked her "do you want to submit" her answer would have been rightly "no". Had you said, "Imagine some guy who is honorable, trustworthy, commands your deep respect, and enfolds you in love in ways you cannot even imagine... would you like to please him also?" then you'd be on her wavelength.



DarkSteven -> RE: Maybe I'm not submissive, just confused (7/14/2012 1:15:22 PM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: AthenaSurrenders
Janah's reply nailed it.


Agreed.



DesFIP -> RE: Maybe I'm not submissive, just confused (7/14/2012 1:49:51 PM)

He's married and you're just a booty call. First couple of times The Man and I got together, there was play. Third time, he announced we should go see a movie. He made it clear that I was more than a booty call, that he wanted a relationship that was full and encompassed our whole lives.



lizi -> RE: Maybe I'm not submissive, just confused (7/14/2012 1:57:21 PM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: DesFIP

He's married and you're just a booty call. First couple of times The Man and I got together, there was play. Third time, he announced we should go see a movie. He made it clear that I was more than a booty call, that he wanted a relationship that was full and encompassed our whole lives.


My first thought was that he was married, but she says she does go to his place, it would be about impossible to hide evidence of a wife in their home. He is however hiding something and he is certainly hiding her. Maybe he's got another relationship, maybe he isn't who he says he is, maybe his family would object to her, who knows but he is definitely just using her for his needs and hiding the fact that she is in his life.



poise -> RE: Maybe I'm not submissive, just confused (7/14/2012 2:17:18 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: DsPet
I'll try to keep this brief. I've been divorced quite some time and started dating (vanilla)
again a year ago. Four months into dating I met my Master - only it was a completely vanilla
relationship. There was never any thought in my mind that I was submissive and the subject
never came up. The relationship was turbulent because he was never really certain he wanted
anything more than companionship.

Assigning titles to your relationship isn’t going to make the flight any smoother. If anything,
I can only see them getting worse, because he will now have the attitude of I’m the Dom,
I dictate how this relationship will transpire,and all too often, women that are newly experiencing
their submissiveness assume they have no right to ask for more than the director will allow.
If he wasn't the man that could fulfill your relationship needs, making him your Dom won't either.

quote:

ORIGINAL: DsPet
I really could not imagine myself being this way with anyone else. And I don't know if He keeps me
in his life just because of the D/s relationship and still really has no interest in a longterm relationship.
We haven't really "dated" much other than a few dinners out or meals and a movie at home.

Seriously? You truly can’t imagine having a loving relationship that is SO MUCH MORE than
just a booty call, with a man who is able and willing to give it to you? Please practice imagining it.
Especially on those long lonely nights when he doesn’t call you because he is so busy in his life.
Or, as soon as he leaves your house, after a night of getting exactly what he came for,
go look in the mirror and repeat, over and over again, that YOU ARE WORTH MORE!






DsPet -> RE: Maybe I'm not submissive, just confused (7/14/2012 4:07:33 PM)

Thank you all for your responses and for not "sugar coating." You've said some things I've been thinking and didn't want to see. My vanilla friends who don't know the complete nature of this relationship have been urging me to get out of this relationship, as well.

As far as vocalizing my concerns regarding the D/s aspects of our relationship and what I do/don't like, no I have not done so. And that's partly from not knowing whether he would be receptive to my wishes or if he would be upset that I vocalized anything contrary to his kinks.

As someone observed, no the man is not married. I'm "connected" and no matter who I date, I am able to check them out pretty thoroughly. That doesn't mean I've posted a PI at his door so it is possible that he's seeing someone else but I doubt it. He works long hours, has long stretches when he is with his daughter and recently had some negative health issues that are now under control but which put a bit of a wall between us (I felt I should be a help to him, he put up a wall of self-sufficiency). So while I don't think his compartmentalizing of his life means there's another woman, there is a reason for it that he won't/can't discuss. I don't know why I'm being kept out of every other portion of his life. When he was going through his health issues I said that if something were to happen to him, no one would know to call me and I'd never know. He didn't have an answer for that.

In part to test him, I forwarded a Groupon for some entertainment event to him. He said "Go for it, baby. Master says yes." So now he wants to go out instead of stay in? When I've asked him about full incorporation of our lives, his usual response is "one day at a time." I know people say you've been together 8 months and that's a lot of "one days" so how long will it be. In fairness, we've been so off and on that each time we are on again it's like we are starting over. I admit I'm very impatient. I want what I want when I want it. Not a good trait for a submissive. :) But even after 8 months of off and on, I think we need some clarity about what the relationship is and if it's not the same for both of us, I need to get out, as much as that hurts. Leaving someone you love is hard enough but it seems to me that leaving a Dom you love is much harder.





lizi -> RE: Maybe I'm not submissive, just confused (7/14/2012 4:22:47 PM)

I'm glad the lack of sugar coating didn't turn you away- its not something that happens on here a lot. People don't generally see the use of blowing smoke up people's asses. Let me just say that a relationship is a relationship with or without BDSM or D/s. If your friends have been telling you things then maybe it's time to listen to them. If it were your daughter in your shoes, or a niece, or a friend or sister....would you think that what you have with this man would be ok for them too? Would you want this for them? Would you want them tucked away for sexual encounters and not integrated into their SO's life, or would the lack of that integration say something was messed up to you? I use my sons for a reality check when I'm seeing someone. If I feel they would approve it's on, if they wouldn't approve of how I'm being treated then I pull the plug.

So after 8 months he's willing to do something public and you're afraid that you're being impatient? Really? What has he got to lose by forever putting off the integration of your lives? He's got what he wants already. He doesn't seem to feel the need to keep you happy as you've shown him that you'll stick around and not tell him that your needs be met too, asking him a question about when that will be is not the same as stating to him what you need. Why would he put forth extra effort if you don't really seem to require it or if he really were worried about having you around. I say ask him for the clarification, you're entitled to it, and if he keeps dodging the answer then you have the answer.



angelikaJ -> RE: Maybe I'm not submissive, just confused (7/14/2012 5:32:00 PM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: DsPet

I'll try to keep this brief. I've been divorced quite some time and started dating (vanilla) again a year ago. Four months into dating I met my Master - only it was a completely vanilla relationship. There was never any thought in my mind that I was submissive and the subject never came up. The relationship was turbulent because he was never really certain he wanted anything more than companionship. I don't think he believed he would connect so deeply with someone and fall in love. But he did and I did, very quickly. I was adamant about wanting a serious, longterm, monogamous relationship hopefully leading (eventually) to marriage. But during the 8 months (on and off) that we've been together, he has kept me separate from the rest of his life. We haven't really "dated" much other than a few dinners out or meals and a movie at home.

During one of our "breaks," I met someone who became a friend. He was married (he lied about it but I found out) and nothing ever happened between us but we became friends anyway. He was very helpful in talking to me about my relationship and, as it turned out, he was a Dom. He said he recognized sub tendencies in me. Namely, I revealed to him that in this on and off relationship, I had never felt so deeply in love with someone. That all my pleasure came from seeing him happy and content. I had never in my life put someone else's needs above my own, except with my children. It was very new to me and a little unsettling. My friend suggested that I might be a natural submissive. We talked about it a lot and I said that I could not see myself as a submissive to anyone except for a man that I loved that deeply. And even then, it was foreign and somehow wrong to me. Yes, I am one of those strong women in the rest of my life: educated, successful professional in a male-dominated profession. But I also knew that after 20 years of being in control of every aspect of my life, that having someone else be in control of my personal life had its appeal. I have always been attracted to strong alpha males. I just never loved one enough to do anything he wanted of me.

So when my Master and I were talking about giving things another try, I told him I thought I might have submissive tendencies and was this something he wanted to explore. He was said he had never been a full-on Dom but had "dabbled" and was very interested in us seeing how that worked for us.

Here are the issues I'm having:

1. Our relationship still doesn't include me being incorporated into His life. I haven't met any of His friends or family and He hasn't met mine. We haven't gone out in ages. When we get together, He usually summons me to His place or tells me He's coming to mine. I am expected to have food and drink available for Him but we do not go out to eat. In other words, it is more a D/s booty call. I'm not satisfied with that. I have always wanted a full relationship and that hasn't changed with our new roles.

2. There are certain aspects of the D/s relationship that I rebel against. For example, I don't have a very high tolerance for pain. I enjoy some roughness (spanking, hair pulling) but not to the point of it being painful enough to bring tears. To me that is abusive and humiliating. Also, His use of the terms "slut and whore" are bothersome to me. Most likely He means them as terms of endearment. I am proud of acting like a slut and whore for HIM but that's not my nature generally and I need to be certain He doesn't view me as that way. Quite honestly, He was my first partner after 8 years of celibacy and I haven't been with anyone else.

I do not know if my submissiveness is just a reaction of my feelings for my Master because I really could not imagine myself being this way with anyone else. And I don't know if He keeps me in his life just because of the D/s relationship and still really has no interest in a longterm relationship. I can't stay with Him (as much as I adore Him and as much as it would hurt to leave Him) if all this is is play to Him. I still want and need a complete relationship.

If anyone has any thoughts or experience with relationship-specific submission, I could really use your advice. Thanks!



I can understand submission that is specific to an individual and yes, it is valid.

At this point in the relationship I think it is important to feel free to communicate about things openly.
After all, a relationship is about relating.

Some other thoughts:
I would not want to be called a whore.
However, being told I am His whore?
Oh, YES, please!
Context is everything and the specificity of that is important to me.

Some women in D/s relationships are not pain sluts but endure the pain their master may put them through because it pleases him.
Some women find the edges of their limits, discuss them with their dominant partner and those are used as negotiation points.
How you work it out is something for you to decide but there is not a wrong way to do this unless it is not communicating what you need... and that includes the need for a complete relationship.



JanahX -> RE: Maybe I'm not submissive, just confused (7/14/2012 5:55:30 PM)

Look - great sex can be HUGE blinder to what is really going on in your relationship. Im thinking that might be what is keeping you clinging to this man. That and the fear of being alone and thinking you will never find anyone else that will meet or beat what you have going on.

quote:

My vanilla friends who don't know the complete nature of this relationship have been urging me to get out of this relationship, as well.


A lot of times people outside relationships see things much clearer than the people within them. Listen to them. They dont want you to get hurt.

Youre going to feel horrible if you leave this thing regardless, but dont be wasting your time. You cant get it back. There will be someone else more compatible with your needs out there. But if you dont give yourself a chance to clear your heart of this mess - and pursue what you want and need, to make you happy, then when it eventually does end ( theres too many red flags here for it to result in any other way) you will be looking back with regrets, upset that you spent so much time and effort with this guy. Time you cannot get back.

quote:

so it is possible that he's seeing someone else but I doubt it. He works long hours, has long stretches when he is with his daughter and recently had some negative health issues that are now under control but which put a bit of a wall between us (I felt I should be a help to him, he put up a wall of self-sufficiency). So while I don't think his compartmentalizing of his life means there's another woman, there is a reason for it that he won't/can't discuss. I don't know why I'm being kept out of every other portion of his life. When he was going through his health issues I said that if something were to happen to him, no one would know to call me and I'd never know. He didn't have an answer for that.


Once again, how do you KNOW that he works long hours? From your earlier post - you have no communication with anyone outside of him to confirm this with. You are going by HIS word alone.

There are some wonderful liars out there. I mean the best of the best. Its easy to delude yourself into believing every word he says for truth - anything to keep the fantasy alive and well. You dont WANT to believe that someone that wonderful could be deceiving you. It happens all the time. You have no outside knowledge of what he really does except of what HE TELLS YOU.

I know you dont want to believe that there is someone else, but when someone is keeping their life secretive like from what youve explained, that is the most likely reason. Especially when they do "disappearing tricks". - Ive heard them all, from "my phone was broken, lost," "I will be traveling from blank to blank on business - so I wont be available to talk to you" - I have a sick family member - Look, its all smoke and mirrors. There is NEVER a reason outside of a coma that someone in this day and age cannot find a means of communication to speak with you. When you get ANY inkling there is something wrong - there most likely certainly is.

quote:

In fairness, we've been so off and on that each time we are on again it's like we are starting over. I admit I'm very impatient. I want what I want when I want it. Not a good trait for a submissive. :) But even after 8 months of off and on



Why have you been on and off? Im sure its not you thats initiating the OFF part - am I right? And he gives you some story about why he has been absent. Look - see this guy for what he is. He is NOT SERIOUS about you. He doesnt WANT to commit to you. When a guy is serious about someone - they will do everything in their power to make it happen WITH YOU. It sounds to me already like he's already disposed of you several times. STOP KIDDING YOURSELF. This has NOTHING TO DO WITH BDSM or D/s. Do you want to know why? This guy has NO integrity. One day at a time - give me a break. See this for what it really is and you will be doing yourself a huge favor.

As for not a "good trait" in being a submissive? I wasnt aware that being a submissive meant that people can dump all over your feelings and that submissives were to put aside their common sense and value of a human being worthy of some decency and respect. Stop looking at this through D/s goggles. Him treating you like shit and devaluing your worth as a human being that deserves some level of respect - (especially since you guys are intimately involved) has nothing to do with anything BDSM wise - It has everything to do with him just him being a deceiver and liar.

Im not saying any of this to be mean. Im really not - I just hate seeing people treating other people like complete garbage and the other person thinking that that is what LOVE is. Its not. I believe everyone deserves the chance to know what that is, and RECOGNIZE it when it DOES happen. And OP - this is not it.



LadyHibiscus -> RE: Maybe I'm not submissive, just confused (7/14/2012 6:08:50 PM)

Listen to Janah.



DesFIP -> RE: Maybe I'm not submissive, just confused (7/14/2012 6:41:31 PM)

I missed the part that you had been to his place. But eight months? He'd met my kids by then. Not he's moving in, but this is the guy I'm dating. He'd met my father by then too. He'd met friends when we went to watch my daughter's sports competition. And when we ran into them in town (small town).



sheisreeds -> RE: Maybe I'm not submissive, just confused (7/14/2012 8:00:50 PM)

I sounds to me there is more reason to be concerned about him being a Master, than you being a submissive.

It sounds like he's a commitment phobe, and only knows enough about being a sadist to be potentially dangerous.

You need to be clear about what you want, and set an ultimatum. In this case you should prepare yourself to be let down.



IrishMist -> RE: Maybe I'm not submissive, just confused (7/14/2012 9:59:09 PM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyHibiscus

Listen to Janah.

Yep...to both of her posts



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