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Real motives or just fantasy? - 7/15/2012 11:37:17 AM

Dominantmusic

Posts: 15
Joined: 5/26/2012
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I have not been here for long, but I have noticed on thing that is constant. It seems that I read a sub's profile and they go on saying what they like and want, I wonder if it is all real of just a head game they play with themselves. I mean, I am pretty agressive when It comes to weeding out BS .. I have asked a couple people "who say they have cameras" to take a picture holding a paper with thier screenname on it and they dissapear. Other people say they are looking for certain things and when you tell them you can provide that and I am serious about finding someone to share my life with and even move someone here, they don't reply. It seems as though there are a lot of "wishful thinkers" in the audience here that must just think it is fun to act like a sub but are to afraid to go through with it. I don't know .. just a thought.

Other than that, I hope everyone is having a good time at least meeting some people. I have met a couple cool people here for chat so that is a good thing! I guess I will just continue to look for my prince, and I won't keep the expectations too high :) If it happens it happes, if not, well... life is still good!

Post #: 1

RE: Real motives or just fantasy? - 7/15/2012 12:19:46 PM

AthenaSurrenders

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Joined: 3/15/2012
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I think you'll find this is just a symptom of meeting people online. Some people will change their mind, others may get a more promising offer, some will be distracted by offline events and yet more will just be living a fantasy life and have no intention of anything more.

There's lots of reasons. Some will not want to make an effort to prove their identity until they know a bit more about you. Some won't be interested enough in you as a person, and some won't be serious about searching.

Don't worry too much about it. Just one of the downsides of internet dating and nothing specific to this place or BDSM.

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Post #: 2

RE: Real motives or just fantasy? - 7/15/2012 12:28:16 PM

RaspberryLemon

Posts: 422
Joined: 7/18/2011
Status: offline

No one is obligated to reply to you. Even if you think what you have to offer is what they say they want, maybe they don't agree. Maybe there is something about you that they find off-putting, whether that be the manner in which you wrote your message to them, something in your profile, or hey, maybe they just didn't find you attractive.

Would it be nice of them to at least reply to say they are not interested? Sure. But they're not obligated to do so and they do not owe you anything. Their not replying to you doesn't make them "not a real sub" or anything stupid like that. It just means they didn't feel like replying to you for one reason or another, and they have every right to do that. Like I said, they don't owe you anything.

If the person doesn't reply, I would suggest you forget about it and move on, don't get angry or resentful about it or try and read too far into it--just take it at face value (they weren't interested) and be glad you found out early on that you weren't a good match. There are plenty of others out there and it's really a waste of your mental faculties to spend time worrying about the ones who didn't spend any time worrying about you. Good luck.

(in reply to Dominantmusic)

Post #: 3

RE: Real motives or just fantasy? - 7/15/2012 12:40:22 PM

searching4mysir

Posts: 2757
Joined: 6/16/2011
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Dominantmusic

I have not been here for long, but I have noticed on thing that is constant. It seems that I read a sub's profile and they go on saying what they like and want, I wonder if it is all real of just a head game they play with themselves. I mean, I am pretty agressive when It comes to weeding out BS .. I have asked a couple people "who say they have cameras" to take a picture holding a paper with thier screenname on it and they dissapear. Other people say they are looking for certain things and when you tell them you can provide that and I am serious about finding someone to share my life with and even move someone here, they don't reply. It seems as though there are a lot of "wishful thinkers" in the audience here that must just think it is fun to act like a sub but are to afraid to go through with it. I don't know .. just a thought.

Other than that, I hope everyone is having a good time at least meeting some people. I have met a couple cool people here for chat so that is a good thing! I guess I will just continue to look for my prince, and I won't keep the expectations too high :) If it happens it happes, if not, well... life is still good!

When I was searching, I had sufficient pictures of myself (full body and just face...both clothed) for someone to know what I looked like. If someone asked me to take a picture holding a paper with their screenname, I would think them an idiot who doesn't realize how little that proves and how easily even THAT is faked. I don't tolerate stupid very well, and I certainly don't submit to it.

(in reply to Dominantmusic)

Post #: 4

RE: Real motives or just fantasy? - 7/15/2012 1:39:00 PM

Dominantmusic

Posts: 15
Joined: 5/26/2012
Status: offline

thank you all for your replies :) I agree with you all fully! I however only asked the 2 people to show a pic of themselves with thier screenname after they said they had a camera, had no problem taking a new pic for me and sending it to me. They said sure, so then I added in the "hold a piece of paper with your screenname on it" at the end and then they got all weird. I mean .. the reason i did it anywas was the pictures looked a bit "familiar" or "too professional" etc. They were fakes and I called them out. That is all. And i don't blame you Searching4mysir for not submitting to stupid :) That is smart, henceforth the fact it is also smart if you think someone is fake to ask them to quickly take a snapshot off their phone or computer holding a paper that says something of my choice. See, I am not stupid either .. and I weeded out the fakes. Good job me. If they couldn't do that or they didn't understand the safety or precautionary measures behind my motives, and I again walk away being smarter and protected from liars and obvious manipulators.

This site is a lot of fun and I have met some great people here. I am just overwhelmed by the percentage of profiles I would raise a caution flag to in comparison to other dating sites. Maybe it is due to the nature of the site and the level of anonymity that some people desire. Who knows.

I will continue still to find a young man to share my life and see this crazy big world with and I will continue to also look here, but I will stay guarded as I have already found a few here that seem to think it is ok to use other people's pictures. And that is what is weird to me.

(in reply to searching4mysir)

Post #: 5

RE: Real motives or just fantasy? - 7/15/2012 1:45:54 PM

searching4mysir

Posts: 2757
Joined: 6/16/2011
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quote:

ORIGINAL: Dominantmusic

to ask them to quickly take a snapshot off their phone or computer holding a paper that says something of my choice.

You are asking them to do something before the dynamic is established. You hold no authority over them at this point, so them not doing so doesn't mean they are fake. It means you overstepped.

I'm not saying the pics weren't professional, too similar or weren't from a scam artist, but just because some guy who calls himself "dominant" on the internet asks me to do something doesn't mean I'm going to, and refusal doesn't make you "fake".

If you come across this that often, perhaps you need to gear your "picker" to non-professional, non-bondage barbie pictures.

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Post #: 6

RE: Real motives or just fantasy? - 7/15/2012 2:24:54 PM

Dominantmusic

Posts: 15
Joined: 5/26/2012
Status: offline

Or i just keep doing what I do and it weeds out the people I am not interested in talking to :) See, the beauty here is ... I am in control of what I do, and the person on the other end is also. We both make a decision on how we act and react and what comes of it is the conclusion. They were fakes with pictures I have seen on other websites and I called them out. But you are right, just because someone doesn't want to do something doesn't make them a fake. It makes them real and a person with intent to follow their own code. I respect that. But i don't ask this of most people.. only ones that there is something wrong, or a bad feeling. See .. it is intelligent to follow your instincts. And I have found a few fakes here due to that. It is amusing when you send them a link to the pic they are using on another profile in a different country! LOL

why would I gear my "picker" to non bondage barbie pictures? That makes no sense, I just gear it to "non fakes" .. unless you were just trying to be agressive and rude with that last statement? And if you were, then .. I am sorry you have that kind of resentment for this conversation.

(in reply to searching4mysir)

Post #: 7

RE: Real motives or just fantasy? - 7/15/2012 2:39:01 PM

ChatteParfaitt

Posts: 6562
Joined: 3/22/2011
From: The t'aint of the Midwest -- Indiana
Status: offline

I have found that for many people, BDSM is a fantasy they pursue online only. They like it, they are turned on by it, but they still think it's "wrong" and have no intention of meeting anyone in real time.

Many of these people already have a spouse or SO who they feel they cannot share their fantasies with, so they play online.

A huge percentage of people who contact me are in this category. After awhile it's fairly easy to weed them out. Most I don't even reply to.

I look for someone who is capable of approaching me as one person to another, not with how beautiful they think I am, or how much they'd like to be my slave, or whatevah.

We do have a gay male dom who posts here often, his nick is Lance, perhaps he will chime in at some point.

Best, CP

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Post #: 8

RE: Real motives or just fantasy? - 7/15/2012 2:40:28 PM

AAkasha

Posts: 4429
Joined: 11/27/2004
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Dominantmusic

Or i just keep doing what I do and it weeds out the people I am not interested in talking to :) See, the beauty here is ... I am in control of what I do, and the person on the other end is also. We both make a decision on how we act and react and what comes of it is the conclusion. They were fakes with pictures I have seen on other websites and I called them out. But you are right, just because someone doesn't want to do something doesn't make them a fake. It makes them real and a person with intent to follow their own code. I respect that. But i don't ask this of most people.. only ones that there is something wrong, or a bad feeling. See .. it is intelligent to follow your instincts. And I have found a few fakes here due to that. It is amusing when you send them a link to the pic they are using on another profile in a different country! LOL

why would I gear my "picker" to non bondage barbie pictures? That makes no sense, I just gear it to "non fakes" .. unless you were just trying to be agressive and rude with that last statement? And if you were, then .. I am sorry you have that kind of resentment for this conversation.

I'm not at all familiar with how the dynamic is here when it comes to finding a male partner, or the percentage of submissive men who are not "real" and what kind of fakes you would get...or fantasy "players." Maybe straight men who are bi-curious and just sort of messing around with a fantasy with no intent to ever go through with it -- or, based on your profile, players who are exploiting a niche where they think they can get successful men to spend money on them? And these people may not even be who they say there are.

I'm a het femdom but my tastes run toward the same types of guys that attract gay tops (btw have you seen the site http://www.tieguyuk.com/? HOT!) and even the het guys who are into bondage/S&M get hit on a lot by gay tops, and some of the less scrupulous types may have found this is a way to exploit generous men by pretending to be something they are not.

I think everyone though may be skeptical when someone demands "proof" of anything relatively early -- it's like, why do I have to prove anything to YOU if YOU contacted me? It's a careful line to walk. I think everyone has to balance time invested/vs. risk vs. what they are giving up in return. ie, if you aren't spending money on someone, just spending time and enjoying the conversation, no harm no foul if they are hesitant to do a photo right away, right? If they are raising red flags you may want to speed up the process.

But if you see a profile with a photo that looks too good to be true, and you start the conversation by demanding photo proof, sure. you might be catching a "fake" but you also might be offending a guy who might be a gem, and also just happens to look like a model and has hot photos.

Akasha

< Message edited by AAkasha -- 7/15/2012 2:41:24 PM >

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Post #: 9

RE: Real motives or just fantasy? - 7/15/2012 3:47:02 PM

searching4mysir

Posts: 2757
Joined: 6/16/2011
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Dominantmusic

why would I gear my "picker" to non bondage barbie pictures? That makes no sense, I just gear it to "non fakes" .. unless you were just trying to be agressive and rude with that last statement? And if you were, then .. I am sorry you have that kind of resentment for this conversation.

That will teach me not to look at a profile before asking. I merely meant that often, things that look too good to be true are. When I used "bondage barbie" I thought you were looking for women like this:

I was merely suggesting that realistic expectations are a good thing.

(in reply to Dominantmusic)

Post #: 10

RE: Real motives or just fantasy? - 7/15/2012 3:56:06 PM

littlewonder

Posts: 15659
Status: offline

It sounds to me like you want an instant sub....just add water and watch her grow!
Dude, no one's gonna move in with you and want you as a Dom just because that's what you want.
Most around here want a relationship and it takes time to cultivate such. Again, for the hundredth millionth time, bdsm relationships are absolutely no different from any other relationship on the planet.
That means, talking like a normal person to each other, taking time to getting to know each other, going out on a few dates, not rushing into moving in and getting married all in one day.

ETA: Oh and if someone asked me to take a pic of myself with a piece of paper with today's date or whatever on it, I'd laugh and tell them to have a nice day and then delete their email. It tells me the dude is paranoid and really, I have no interest in the black helicopters and tin foil hat crowd.

< Message edited by littlewonder -- 7/15/2012 3:58:14 PM >

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Post #: 11

RE: Real motives or just fantasy? - 7/15/2012 5:37:05 PM

LanceHughes

Posts: 4737
Joined: 2/12/2004
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: ChatteParfaitt
<snipped>
We do have a gay male dom who posts here often, his nick is Lance, perhaps he will chime in at some point.

You called? LOL!
First off, thanks for calling me, ChatteParfaitt, but this thread has little to do with gender.

Well, I've been snooping a little bit - profile, other posts, that kind of thing.
==================
From his Intro Forum OP:
hiya everyone! I am in search of my young sub boy that wants to be taken care of and treated like a prince. Yes, I said "prince" so if you are interested in me treating you poorly, I am not the guy for you.
----------------------
We've had plenty of threads "suss out" the difference between "princess" and "sub." And here he seems to equate "sub" as "treating you poorly."
===============
From his Intro Forum OP:
Looking to find someone who wants to be protected, safe and spoiled a bit. Travel the world with me by my side, and know that he is the most important boy in the world. I am genuine, kind, dominant, and fair and I have a lot to give. I like romance and vanilla stuff as well as hardcore moments as well :)
-----------------------
So, he's looking for "the most important boy in the world" to be his travel mate. So far, I smell "FANTASY" on his part. He seems to have the $$$ to make it happen. All that's missing is the emotional content. Fair 'nuff. (Again, this fantasy is gender free, isn't it?)
===============
From his Intro Forum OP:
I am willing to get to know you and fly you to my home to meet me and even move you here if you are comfortable. I am looking to build a relationship our of trust, honesty and openess. I am emotionally and financially stable and ready to share my life again with a boy who wants to take that step. Message me :)
----------------------
"to share my life again with a boy" RED flag! WTF happened the first (or more) time(s.) Let's get some of that openness on the table! Or, put that in your chats on "the other side."

And - how did you find that first "prince"? Here? We often suggest munches to find "real life" people. Maybe you had an emotional attachment that couldn't bear your lack of funds and then you got your inheritance, so you feel that the "ONLY" thing wrong in your previous relationship was lack-o-funds.

CLEAR your head as to $$$ - sure they're big in your life right now, but that can NOT replace the emotional connection. Thought experiment: All funds placed in a trust that pays minimal life expenses. Use your only remaining resource (time) to make a connection. There's your HONEST connection for you.
==================
From his post #7 above:
"They were fakes with pictures I have seen on other websites and I called them out."

What you do for such profiles, is simple, There's a "Report Picture" botton. Better yet if you can give the URL where the pic was stolen from.
--------------------------------
Looks like you are trying a Gold-digger avoidance technique. Doesn't really work (unless you have dead-on URLS in which instance REPORT, BLOCK, DELETE.)

My first gay relationship (13 years) was with a man that had beau-coup bucks. I had NO idea. And he had just bounced a gold-digger from his life. We formed our relationship and then *I* paid for my flight from Chicago to Denver to "see his home and get comfortable," (paraphrasing your words.)

Did you get the lesson, or am I going to have to TELL you to re-write your profile to be YOU , not your $$$.

Want gold-diggers? Wave your money and see if they show up. (Again, gender free advice, y'think?)
-----------------
More on this point:
Dom(me) pays for "come visit me" trip. HUGE red-flag in BDSM - Just WRONG!
Better? Meet someone here from (say) Australia and YOU visit them! Let THEM show you about their life.... that's a very subbie thing to do. Open up to the Dom.
==================
From above, since LW saved me the strokes......

quote:

ORIGINAL: littlewonder
It sounds to me like you want an instant sub....just add water and watch her grow!
Dude, no one's gonna move in with you and want you as a Dom just because that's what you want.
Most around here want a relationship and it takes time to cultivate such. Again, for the hundredth millionth time, bdsm relationships are absolutely no different from any other relationship on the planet.
That means, talking like a normal person to each other, taking time to getting to know each other, going out on a few dates, not rushing into moving in and getting married all in one day.

ETA: Oh and if someone asked me to take a pic of myself with a piece of paper with today's date or whatever on it, I'd laugh and tell them to have a nice day and then delete their email. It tells me the dude is paranoid <snipped>

He's paranoid all right, but sometimes paranoids are right. In this instance he's worried about his $$$. See advice above.
=================
In summary, find your-life mate and THEN treat him like a prince.

P.S You seem to have a mistaken notion as to what being a Domme is all about.

ETA: Title of post is: Real motives or just fantasy? Oviously my answer is "the later."

< Message edited by LanceHughes -- 7/15/2012 6:04:17 PM >

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(in reply to littlewonder)

Post #: 12

RE: Real motives or just fantasy? - 7/15/2012 5:41:43 PM

JanahX

Posts: 3443
Joined: 8/21/2010
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: littlewonder

I have no interest in the black helicopters and tin foil hat crowd.

That was awesome. Nailed it.

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The second rule of Fight Club is you do not talk about Fight Club.

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Post #: 13

RE: Real motives or just fantasy? - 7/15/2012 5:53:28 PM

LadyPact

Posts: 32566
Status: offline

I agree with Lance. This has nothing to do with sexual orientation or the way that certain folks identify.

It has to do with you a person is sending their pics on the net. Only a fool trusts somebody with their image that can associate them with a degree of certainty about being on a kink site.

Think of this, OP. If you asked Me to hold up a sign that linked Me to this profile, to all of the posts that I have made that really could have repercussions in the physical world, why should I trust you with that?

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Beach Ball Sized Lady Nuts. ~ TWD

Happily dating a new submissive. It's official. I've named him engie.

Please do not send me email here. Unless I know you, I will delete the email unread

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Post #: 14

RE: Real motives or just fantasy? - 7/15/2012 6:11:04 PM

DesFIP

Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline

OP, when you start your conversations with people by accusing them of lying, don't be surprised if all the honest people get offended and stop talking. Which leaves you only with the scam artists.

If nobody local to you will talk to you, and you're reduced to flying people in, there's probably a good reason. Fix yourself and maybe you can earn a better reputation.

Lastly, you're overinvested in the whole thing. You want a guarantee that you're going straight to the wedding date (assuming gay marriage is legal in your state). Again, that's crazy talk which scares off the nice guys.

Just meet for coffee. If you happen to talk to someone who isn't local, then tell them you're going to be there in a few weeks and could they meet you for coffee. Stay in a hotel, sightsee, if you enjoy your conversation - great. If not, you still had a good mini-vacation. But if you meet for coffee with no other expectations, you don't lose anything. Maybe you make a friend. Maybe you'll even find a lover. At least you know you'll have a nice cup of coffee.

_____________________________

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Post #: 15

RE: Real motives or just fantasy? - 7/15/2012 6:32:42 PM

Dominantmusic

Posts: 15
Joined: 5/26/2012
Status: offline

yeah you are all right.. I think I pissed lance off though for him to go on a wich hunt against me :) Its cool

to answer your last question about my "Other" partner? It was 8 years together and we grew apart. After a few years of being single and dating a bit .. i am looking to move forward with a new relationship. that is all.

I am paranoid about people on here, I have seen pictures used on mulitple sites with different locations ie. Germany and the US...

I will continue to be safe and I will continue to be me.

I do love the fact that you are more interested in me though :) Makes it a bit pleasuring to know I impacted you so much.

On the bright side of things, I do hope to find another boy to share my life with and have an amazing journey while doing it. I did just recently add the female aspect too, I am curious about that. If any gay guys here can tell me about if they have ever had sexual fantasies about girls in a bdsm lifestyle... let me know I am curious to chat about that!

THanks guys! And Lance .. you are such a good snooper!! Keep up the good work kiddo!

(in reply to DesFIP)

Post #: 16

RE: Real motives or just fantasy? - 7/15/2012 6:41:47 PM

Dominantmusic

Posts: 15
Joined: 5/26/2012
Status: offline

ok, lets put it all out there. I don't relate sub to poorly.. i relate boys who want me to smack them in the face and squish their dinner on the floor with my feet .. that is treating someone poorly.. not my thing.

Next .. it wasn't an inheritance .. I built a business from ground up and am glad i did.

I have and still understand the value of friendship and love and am not confused on that .. YES i am willing to meet someone and fly them to me to chill in my area for a weekend or longer, it is a great way to meet people. I am also willing to fly somewhere to meet someone also. I am also willing to meet people in my home town .. but since there is really not many people here but tourists.. I will continue to look wherever I want. I actually met a cool guy when I was in spain this year and brought him here for a couple months .. what a great friendship that is still!

Any questions about me .. let me know.. I have no problem answering a lot of them .. but keep in mind... I do not have to answer to anyone, as you don't to I. SO ... I will be me .. and you can be you and I will still do what I want to do. But at least you are the only one tearing apart someone esles motivations here ... shows good character. You are just pissed of because I cross posted in a forum and was sarcastic to you after ... HAHAHA.

Peace dude. And have a good one!

(in reply to Dominantmusic)

Post #: 17

RE: Real motives or just fantasy? - 7/15/2012 6:50:01 PM

DesFIP

Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline

Yes I checked your profile. I was wondering exactly how young you are to be this clueless.

Again, in the hopes you may come to understand:
When you demand someone proves themselves to you, you're stating that you think everyone is fake and the person you demand proves himself is a liar. Decent people object to being called names like that and object to being judged guilty and having to prove themselves innocent.

Luckily you are far from the only game in town so they don't continue to talk to you. By doing this, you guarantee that the only people who will keep talking to you are the ones who don't mind being called dishonest. The ones who are dishonest and hoping to make money from you.

Your paranoia is causing your fears to come true. Change how you look at the world and you will change what you get.

_____________________________

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Cynical and proud of it!

(in reply to Dominantmusic)

Post #: 18

RE: Real motives or just fantasy? - 7/15/2012 7:02:33 PM

OsideGirl

Posts: 14442
Joined: 7/1/2005
From: United States
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Dominantmusic
But you are right, just because someone doesn't want to do something doesn't make them a fake.

Personally, if someone doesn't think that what is in my profile is enough to have a conversation with me......too bad. I would not have taken a picture and I never did cam. Either you take the risk of losing a few minutes of your time, or I'm not interested.

< Message edited by OsideGirl -- 7/15/2012 7:03:14 PM >

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Post #: 19

RE: Real motives or just fantasy? - 7/15/2012 7:06:12 PM

Dominantmusic

Posts: 15
Joined: 5/26/2012
Status: offline

I asked 2 people out of the many that I spoke to here to prove they were not fakes when I didn't trust them. It wasn't immediately after saying hello either. It was when their conversations started not making sense. I will do it again. If i don't trust someone .. i will ask them to prove it to me. And neither of them could ... so .. I was smart.

The other people here have been basically great. Except I think the problem is that I am attracted to younger guys and I get what I ask for, and that has led me to some flaky people .. but that is anywhere.

never once did I say I ask everyone to prove who they are.. but I WILL if there are lies that they get caught up in. And I will continue to do it everytime I catch someone lying ... it just seems to be more safe that way.
I am not trying to be mean here .. nor have I ever. But it seems that we have a very agressive and attacking community amongst us. That is cool though... I am happy with people chatting about me. After all, I am used to it anyway ... after all you can't have a lot of people waiting to see you in every city I go to without the media spinning something and getting a bad review somehow in some country. I welcome all your opinions :)

Good night everyone, I have to get back to my paranoid, frequent flyer mile using, submissive boy collecting life before my inheritence runs dry ... :)

(in reply to DesFIP)

Post #: 20

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