Finding a mentor (Full Version)

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demonbound12 -> Finding a mentor (7/15/2012 11:53:38 AM)

As I said on my hello post, I am no stranger to bondage but am decently new to the D/s lifestyle, so my question is, as implied by the subject, how do I go about finding a mentor to chat with to hear the goals and ways that work for us, and give advise? I’m not looking for someone who just likes to hear dirty stories or gets off on intruding in someone else’s business, but someone who truly doesn’t mind taking time to talk with a "newbie" about his approach and give advise one on one via chat or skype or whatever. Where do I begin this search?



LadyPact -> RE: Finding a mentor (7/15/2012 12:05:42 PM)

Have you thought about looking in your local community? Folks who you can get to know and give them a chance to know you? People that you can see with your own eyes that they have a strong D/s dynamic or whatever it is that you have set your goals to be?

You can generally tell from the members of your local munch group to see who is willing to take the time to help you start out. Plus, you might get some friends out of the deal.




PrincessJessieJ -> RE: Finding a mentor (7/15/2012 12:06:33 PM)

It wouldn't hurt to find a munch in your area, or within a reasonable distance, to attend. It may be boring in and of itself, but I'm sure you could meet a good many people there who would be willing to talk and teach. :)



JeffBC -> RE: Finding a mentor (7/15/2012 12:10:56 PM)

As others have said.. find a munch.

Also, lurk here and fetlife for a while. Eventually you'll see posters who seem to be on the same wavelength as you. Those are the ones you want to contact.



demonbound12 -> RE: Finding a mentor (7/15/2012 12:12:05 PM)

I have, Ive even joined a group and plan on attending a party this month. Thats fine and all but seeing as my wife/sub is just as new as i am she does have some reservations about just showing up at a party full of people she doesnt know and flaunting her stuff. As her husband and dom I can understand and respect that. I was hoping to start online and figure more out before jumping into the scene around here. Anyway, yes, that is on my list is will be done.



PrincessJessieJ -> RE: Finding a mentor (7/15/2012 12:15:51 PM)

A--

A munch isn't a play party.
A munch s a group of like minded people getting togather to talk. it's a meet and greet.
When you went, did you ask around to see if anyone would mind helping you out?

s to skype.. someone might be willing to help you there, but- well, just my opinion here, take it with a grain of salt- but i'm of the opinion hands on learning is better. You can get a better feel for what's being explained, etc.



demonbound12 -> RE: Finding a mentor (7/15/2012 12:20:51 PM)

I havent been yet, its not until later this month. Ive never heard of a munch before, didnt know what to expect. Glad to know its not a what i was imagining it to be. That should make her feel more at ease. Thank you for the advise.



PrincessJessieJ -> RE: Finding a mentor (7/15/2012 12:22:07 PM)

You're welcome.
Just remember to take enough cash with you for whatever you decide to order, if it's being held at a restaurant. ^_^



AthenaSurrenders -> RE: Finding a mentor (7/15/2012 12:24:00 PM)

I understand your wife's nervousness - I've been doing this for about 6 years and have yet to venture to a party. But I do agree with the others that the best mentor will be one that you meet in person, so you can see their dynamic in action and they can see yours to advise you.

Bear in mind that munches are not the same as parties - there is no nakedness or kinkiness going on at all, just people making friends. So she doesn't need to flaunt anything, she can just have a nice chat. Still a bit scary the first time but not on the same level as a play party.

If you really want an online mentor then do as Jeff said and read the forums here and anywhere else you can until you find someone who seems sensible and thinks like you do. But bear in mind that you never know that much about someone online, and can't be sure they aren't talking out of their bumhole.



LadyPact -> RE: Finding a mentor (7/15/2012 12:24:00 PM)

When someone approaches Me to be their mentor, the first question I ask them specifically is why. Meaning, why Me in particular. If they don't have an answer that is directly related to actually knowing Me, I turn them down. I want them to base their answer on something they KNOW about Me. Not just some random thing and not something that they can't base on personal knowledge. That can be anything from topping skills, to have we've put our poly family together, to them seeing that I try to help people learn about protocols. The key to this is, it has to be something and it can't be something they think. It has to be something they KNOW.

I'm not saying that you have to do things My way, but asking folks that you don't have any concrete knowledge about because you're holding something of a cattle call on a message board, can't live up to that kind of thing. For example, I could jump up and say I'd be your mentor, but how do you know that I know a darn thing about any of this? You don't, because you don't know Me and have no idea if I'm not just some guy who lives in some basement in Jersey who has never had a single D/s experience in real life.

Get it?



demonbound12 -> RE: Finding a mentor (7/15/2012 12:26:00 PM)

LOL will do. I think the event on the 27th is actually an educational seminar about rope bondage (my second favorite, I love the look of steel chains against flesh...something about it), look forward to it. Ill keep an eye out for the next munch.



demonbound12 -> RE: Finding a mentor (7/15/2012 12:32:46 PM)

LadyPact, I completely get it, and trust me, I wouldn’t accept the first person who came along without getting to know them as a mentor just because they offered. Munch seems to be the key thing for me as the only other kink I know is a sub female. Outside of that I have no one else to really talk to, listen to, learn from, etc. That’s one reason I joined the forum, make a friend or two who love their kink as much as I/we do and learn something.



JeffBC -> RE: Finding a mentor (7/15/2012 12:36:21 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: demonbound12
I havent been yet, its not until later this month. Ive never heard of a munch before, didnt know what to expect. Glad to know its not a what i was imagining it to be. That should make her feel more at ease. Thank you for the advise.

My "first munch" was recent enough and I was vanilla enough that I empathise with all the concerns she and you are having. Trust me on this. They aren't warranted. By design, munches are meant to be non-threatening since they tend to serve as a gateway for folks just like you (and me at one point).

quote:

ORIGINAL: ladypact
For example, I could jump up and say I'd be your mentor, but how do you know that I know a darn thing about any of this? You don't, because you don't know Me and have no idea if I'm not just some guy who lives in some basement in Jersey who has never had a single D/s experience in real life.

... OR... some perfectly plausible, real life domme who has demonstrated experience over a great many years but not the sort of experience that this guy is interested in or with not the viewpoint he's interested in, etc.

But since we're talking about mentors, here's some cheap advice. In my head the three signs of an automatic idiot are:

- Talks as if there was some "better" way and "worse" way or some "one true way".
In real life there are a bajillion ways and the only realistic measure of "better" or "worse" is what works for a specific individual or couple. Note... everyone will, of course, have some bias towards whatever it is that they do. That's to be expected. But a reasonable mentor would be working to actively filter their own bias out because the goal here is to find what is good for YOU.

- Makes references to some old tradition
Trumped up baloney to prop up a weak ego. Either their thoughts stand on their own or they do not. If they need to be supported by some lineage tracing back to a secret order in europe somewhere then the thoughts are probably worthless.

- Likes to rely on parlour tricks
NLP, "brain washing", "operant conditioning" (unless the guy actually does have a masters or better in psych) and the like are all tip offs that the person is not a critical thinker. It's razzle-dazzle rather than function. Don't be fooled.



demonbound12 -> RE: Finding a mentor (7/15/2012 12:49:49 PM)

quote:

But since we're talking about mentors, here's some cheap advice. In my head the three signs of an automatic idiot are:

- Talks as if there was some "better" way and "worse" way or some "one true way".
In real life there are a bajillion ways and the only realistic measure of "better" or "worse" is what works for a specific individual or couple. Note... everyone will, of course, have some bias towards whatever it is that they do. That's to be expected. But a reasonable mentor would be working to actively filter their own bias out because the goal here is to find what is good for YOU.

- Makes references to some old tradition
Trumped up baloney to prop up a weak ego. Either their thoughts stand on their own or they do not. If they need to be supported by some lineage tracing back to a secret order in europe somewhere then the thoughts are probably worthless.

- Likes to rely on parlour tricks
NLP, "brain washing", "operant conditioning" (unless the guy actually does have a masters or better in psych) and the like are all tip offs that the person is not a critical thinker. It's razzle-dazzle rather than function. Don't be fooled.


Beautifully said! I know there are a lot of morons out there, many snaking into the D/s or kink community for a cheap thrill, parasites feeding off others, and I know to watch out for them. That’s why I started this thread and asked the question I did. My wife is a great sub, she’s learning about herself, how to please her dom, and learned what she thought were limits are just mental barriers blocking her from something AMAZING as she put it. I wouldn't dare subject her to the dangers of listening to just anyone, especially over the net. Thanks for all the replys everyone. Kinda make a person feel welcome lol



LadyPact -> RE: Finding a mentor (7/15/2012 12:57:18 PM)

Jeff, come fix My laptop so I can quote worth a damn.


quote:

My "first munch" was recent enough and I was vanilla enough that I empathise with all the concerns she and you are having. Trust me on this. They aren't warranted. By design, munches are meant to be non-threatening since they tend to serve as a gateway for folks just like you (and me at one point).

Personal note, I'm proud of you!

quote:

... OR... some perfectly plausible, real life domme who has demonstrated experience over a great many years but not the sort of experience that this guy is interested in or with not the viewpoint he's interested in, etc.

Which would be perfectly reasonable, if the person felt that Dominance was so drastically different between the genders that he would have that viewpoint. I think you missed the boat on that one though. I'll try it in a different way.

It would be completely plausible for Me to jump on MP's account and volunteer to do it. Then, he wouldn't even know if I was a guy, much less if any of the stories that I told him about My imaginary female sub were the truth or not. I could make the whole thing up and the OP would never know it.

quote:

But since we're talking about mentors, here's some cheap advice. In my head the three signs of an automatic idiot are:

- Talks as if there was some "better" way and "worse" way or some "one true way".
In real life there are a bajillion ways and the only realistic measure of "better" or "worse" is what works for a specific individual or couple. Note... everyone will, of course, have some bias towards whatever it is that they do. That's to be expected. But a reasonable mentor would be working to actively filter their own bias out because the goal here is to find what is good for YOU.

At the same time, don't you think it makes perfect sense for people to explain why they choose one method over the other? That's the basis of reason for why people select the way they do things for themselves.

Could this OP find somebody that he thought would make a good mentor through the net? Sure, it's possible. Still, I'd hope he'd take some time to observe who seems to know what they were doing and who didn't. We just had a poster on the forums who didn't have squat for D/s experience and started dishing out advice to the point that some of the regulars here called him on talking out of his ass.


quote:

- Makes references to some old tradition
Trumped up baloney to prop up a weak ego. Either their thoughts stand on their own or they do not. If they need to be supported by some lineage tracing back to a secret order in europe somewhere then the thoughts are probably worthless.

I don't think we've had any of those for a while, but thanks for the laugh.

quote:

- Likes to rely on parlour tricks
NLP, "brain washing", "operant conditioning" (unless the guy actually does have a masters or better in psych) and the like are all tip offs that the person is not a critical thinker. It's razzle-dazzle rather than function. Don't be fooled.

I'm only giving you half on this one because a lot of topping (not especially D/s) does come down to parlor tricks. That's why I'm constantly saying that anybody can learn to do them.

My best to Carol.



PrincessJessieJ -> RE: Finding a mentor (7/15/2012 1:00:59 PM)

Well GEE, thar maht be a reason fer that!

Welcome to the board, by the way. It's nice to meet you!



JeffBC -> RE: Finding a mentor (7/15/2012 1:40:43 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyPact
Jeff, come fix My laptop so I can quote worth a damn.

Freakin dommes! What IS it with all the bossiness?

quote:

Which would be perfectly reasonable, if the person felt that Dominance was so drastically different between the genders that he would have that viewpoint. I think you missed the boat on that one though. I'll try it in a different way.

I wasn't even remotely thinking about gender. I was pondering the fact that I've got at least three discrete classes of "d/s" in my head -- each totally different from the other. If someone came to me and asked me to mentor them in "sexual dominance" I'd refer them to you.

quote:

At the same time, don't you think it makes perfect sense for people to explain why they choose one method over the other? That's the basis of reason for why people select the way they do things for themselves.

Awww, come on. Now you're just picking on me :) I specifically said, "Note... everyone will, of course, have some bias towards whatever it is that they do. That's to be expected." To put a more specific face on this, when I am engaging with someone new, I try to expose them to everything I can think of not that which I like. If they end up gravitating towards something like leather then I'd send 'em your way.

quote:

I'm only giving you half on this one because a lot of topping (not especially D/s) does come down to parlor tricks.

Fair enough. I can see how the "parlour tricks" would actually be useful in a moment like a "scene". But I'm sticking with the idea that applying made-up gibbering like "NLP" and/or "brainwashing" or "subliminals", etc. to real life situations is a dubious strategy. I am especially dubious of any "expert" who feels the need to cloak their "mysterious ways" in pretend science. Here... how about this?

If some alleged expert comes to you spouting allegedly scientific terms, ask to see the original peer reviewed and published papers which support the thought. Then check the publication to ensure it actually has reasonable standards.



DarkSteven -> RE: Finding a mentor (7/15/2012 1:48:57 PM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: demonbound12

she does have some reservations about just showing up at a party full of people she doesnt know and flaunting her stuff.


There are several play parties in Colorado. At every one of them, usually 20%-50% of the attendees play, and the rest simply chat or watch. When you and your wife attend a play party, there should be no pressure to play, especially since she is owned.



LadyPact -> RE: Finding a mentor (7/15/2012 2:28:58 PM)

quote:

Freakin dommes! What IS it with all the bossiness?


That's not the Domme in Me, Dear. That's the computer twit. If My computer would just be a better submissive, it wouldn't be an issue. <grin>

quote:

I wasn't even remotely thinking about gender. I was pondering the fact that I've got at least three discrete classes of "d/s" in my head -- each totally different from the other. If someone came to me and asked me to mentor them in "sexual dominance" I'd refer them to you.

I had to think about this for a moment, but I think I see your angle. A couple of areas, maybe. It's actually an interesting thought and not one that comes to mind first. That would really be a way of getting to know somebody through forums that would apply.

quote:

Awww, come on. Now you're just picking on me :) I specifically said, "Note... everyone will, of course, have some bias towards whatever it is that they do. That's to be expected." To put a more specific face on this, when I am engaging with someone new, I try to expose them to everything I can think of not that which I like. If they end up gravitating towards something like leather then I'd send 'em your way.

Well, of course I am. I can't ruin My rep entirely now, can I?

quote:

Fair enough. I can see how the "parlour tricks" would actually be useful in a moment like a "scene". But I'm sticking with the idea that applying made-up gibbering like "NLP" and/or "brainwashing" or "subliminals", etc. to real life situations is a dubious strategy. I am especially dubious of any "expert" who feels the need to cloak their "mysterious ways" in pretend science. Here... how about this?

If some alleged expert comes to you spouting allegedly scientific terms, ask to see the original peer reviewed and published papers which support the thought. Then check the publication to ensure it actually has reasonable standards.

I'll buy it.

In all seriousness, I think it's great to find various mentors for different things. A person may find a great mentor for D/s, but that person doesn't especially engage in topping so it makes sense to find another teacher for that. For example, I'm not a rope mentor. Sure, I can deal with the basics to help someone out and even know some about predicament bondage and a bit of suspension. Yet, My skills in the area pale to certain other folks.



OneKinkyArtist -> RE: Finding a mentor (7/17/2012 8:46:36 AM)

oh shit! the gangs all here!



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