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NuevaVida -> RE: Leggo my ego*! (7/20/2012 9:00:14 AM)
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Wow, interesting thread. I probably addressed most of your points in my crazy-long posts in LadyPacts "Does this ever occur to you?" thread.
Summary - I spent a LOT of effort developing my ego and creating who I am today. I'm not letting that go, nor does he want me to. He thinks a confident sense of self is a healthy thing, and healthy for both of us in this relationship. He has no desire to strip that part (or any part) away from my mind. If he did, we would be mis-matched.
There's a difference, to me, in deferring to him when I think or know he is wrong, versus discounting my own thoughts, feelings and beliefs about it because he must be right since he's the owner. Then again, he knows he is a fallible human being and not omniscient, and takes my own intelligence into consideration. So he's not above admitting he is wrong about something. Sometimes he might say "Enough - we're doing it this way anyway" and then I'll drop it and go along with it. But it doesn't mean I suddenly believe it's right or that I've let go of my personal ego to go along with it. It just means I'm obeying him, without resentment.
There are times I do need to keep myself in check, and a little humility is a good thing. I do know I sometimes fall into the habit of just assuming I'm right and discounting what he thinks is right. This is when ego can become problematic. But it doesn't happen often and I typically recognize it as soon as it happens, and I pull myself back.
I do disagree with Chatte in this "b/c good submission requires you to do things like place your dominant's wants and needs above your own," and I know it was said in the context of some other things I do agree with, but I don't actually place his wants and needs above my own. We both place the relationship's wants and needs first and we fall second to that. There has been a time or two when his want/need was proving to be damaging to me and you bet I spoke up about it. It was in such conflict with my own needs, had he gone ahead with it, it would have ended the relationship. I had to speak up about it and dig my heels in, because, as mentioned in LP's thread, there are certain places I just can't/won't go. Right now. Maybe another time, but not now. I knew if he had forced the issue I would have walked away. My need to prevent emotional harm in myself was more important. If his needs were that important, he'd have to fulfill them with someone else.
So he shifted gears. In one case, he let up, realizing I was right. In the other case, we tabled the item and we are approaching it more slowly so it doesn't kill us.
But this, I think, is where healthy ego comes in. Yes, I do have a sense of self, and yes I do understand what will benefit that self and what will damage it. I'm not of a viewpoint I commonly see on these grounds, of "He knows me better than I know myself." He doesn't. He didn't do all the work I did to get me to this point. He does know me extremely well, and he continues to learn me. And he does lead me very well. But he expects I'll speak up if I see a problem.
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