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RE: Some advice would go along way. - 7/19/2012 7:38:34 AM   
ChatteParfaitt


Posts: 6562
Joined: 3/22/2011
From: The t'aint of the Midwest -- Indiana
Status: offline 		Sorry DS, last ditch attempts to salvage a relationship that involve punishment are ALWAYS going to fail, and can easily lead to a police report (or worse).

In this instance, the girl has not accepted him as her dom, what makes you think that will change if he whips out a paddle? Sure, you can force submission out of just about anyone, but it's temporary at best.

Actual submission is inspired, actual dominance is not something you can get from reading, and this couple doesn't have a Eskimo's chance in the Sahara of accomplishing a healthy dynamic.

To no one's surprise, I stand by my take on this one.

_____________________________



(in reply to DarkSteven)
Profile   Post #: 21
RE: Some advice would go along way. - 7/19/2012 7:40:22 AM   
DesFIP


Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline 		You don't have to be dominant or even her dominant. Some people are fine with their partners having another partner who does things to fulfill them which they can't do.

However, lying about it, and cheating on you isn't how to make this work.

She feels because she hasn't had real time sex with this guy that it isn't cheating. But she doesn't get to define how you feel. If you feel this is cheating, then it is. More importantly, if she really believed it wasn't cheating, she would have told you about it 18 months ago in exactly the same way she would say she's going to play tennis with someone else instead.

Can you trust her to stop cheating and be honest? Will she go to couples counseling and learn healthier ways to communicate? Will you ever be able to forgive her?

Relationships can survive affairs if honest communication and better relationship skills are learned and if both people really want to overcome it. She needs to be totally transparent meaning you can demand to know who she's talking to, what she says, you get passwords to her emails, etc. If she isn't willing to do that, it means she plans to still lie to you in the future and not earn back your trust.

Honestly, you aren't married, you don't have kids together, there's no reason compelling enough for her to work hard enough to earn trust and respect. I think you would do better to find someone who is honest and who thinks you are wonderful just as you are. You deserve better than this, go get it.

_____________________________

Slave to laundry

Cynical and proud of it!


(in reply to GreedyTop)
Profile   Post #: 22
RE: Some advice would go along way. - 7/19/2012 7:46:45 AM   
sexyred1


Posts: 8998
Joined: 8/9/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: JanahX


When I meet a new person - I can usually size up in a very short amount of time whether or not they are smarter, faster, quicker and wiser than myself. That alone will determine if they are dominant to me or not.



I think the OP has gotten perfect advice. I am curious if others feel the same way as the above; do you only feel someone can be dominant to you if they are smarter, faster, etc. than you? Do you need to feel you are less than your Dominant?


(in reply to JanahX)
Profile   Post #: 23
RE: Some advice would go along way. - 7/19/2012 7:54:20 AM   
LillyoftheVally


Posts: 1826
Joined: 7/22/2009
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: sexyred1


quote:

ORIGINAL: JanahX


When I meet a new person - I can usually size up in a very short amount of time whether or not they are smarter, faster, quicker and wiser than myself. That alone will determine if they are dominant to me or not.



I think the OP has gotten perfect advice. I am curious if others feel the same way as the above; do you only feel someone can be dominant to you if they are smarter, faster, etc. than you? Do you need to feel you are less than your Dominant?




The opposite, I have to feel generally equal and more skilled at some things. If I am not valued in that way then what is the point in submitting? If I am of worth to my partner then the submission itself is valuable.

_____________________________

'My doctor says that I have a malformed public-duty gland and a natural deficiency in moral fibre, and that I am therefore excused from saving Universes.'

Nah I am not happy to see you either

(in reply to sexyred1)
Profile   Post #: 24
RE: Some advice would go along way. - 7/19/2012 7:59:03 AM   
Char2688


Posts: 151
Joined: 4/16/2012
Status: offline 		She played on the Internet with some dumb guy
They are not a couple and in the big scale of things this is wrong, but forgivable
Forgive
Discuss
Then use the opportunity to deliver a series of spankings
Spank her on Skype with the so called long distance Dom
Several sessions, no less than five
If the punishment is refused, be patient and hold your ground,
Be calm and assertive, do not be a screaming idiot
Use this mistake as an opportunity
Everything happens for a reason
You have three choices
Forgive and forget, leaving you both in the same situation that started this mess
Forgive and move in a new direction with you in control
Or move on

(in reply to DarkSteven)
Profile   Post #: 25
RE: Some advice would go along way. - 7/19/2012 8:02:55 AM   
thursdays


Posts: 143
Joined: 7/28/2011
Status: offline 		Same here... if I were a lot smarter, faster, quicker and wiser than someone, I doubt I'd find them attractive at all.

(in reply to LillyoftheVally)
Profile   Post #: 26
RE: Some advice would go along way. - 7/19/2012 8:04:41 AM   
sexyred1


Posts: 8998
Joined: 8/9/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: LillyoftheVally


quote:

ORIGINAL: sexyred1


quote:

ORIGINAL: JanahX


When I meet a new person - I can usually size up in a very short amount of time whether or not they are smarter, faster, quicker and wiser than myself. That alone will determine if they are dominant to me or not.



I think the OP has gotten perfect advice. I am curious if others feel the same way as the above; do you only feel someone can be dominant to you if they are smarter, faster, etc. than you? Do you need to feel you are less than your Dominant?




The opposite, I have to feel generally equal and more skilled at some things. If I am not valued in that way then what is the point in submitting? If I am of worth to my partner then the submission itself is valuable.


Same here. I never understood the other view that someone needs to see themselves "less than" unless that is a particular kink.

(in reply to LillyoftheVally)
Profile   Post #: 27
RE: Some advice would go along way. - 7/19/2012 8:11:54 AM   
LadyPact


Posts: 32566
Status: offline 		This is gonna hurt.

She doesn't see you as a Dom because you're trying to play the role for her. After five years, you're trying to be insta-Dom. She doesn't see you as the person in charge and she already has one of those, anyway.

It's great that you were trying to change yourself to make her happy, but has it ever occurred to you that there might be somebody out there who wants you just the way you are? That it's ok to be a vanilla guy?

Yes, five years is a long time to invest in someone. However, the girl that you're dealing with has done the equivalent to an emotional affair for the last eighteen months. You need to think about that long and hard and decide if you are willing to let someone treat you that way.



_____________________________

The crowned Diva of Destruction. ~ ExT

Beach Ball Sized Lady Nuts. ~ TWD

Happily dating a new submissive. It's official. I've named him engie.

Please do not send me email here. Unless I know you, I will delete the email unread

(in reply to Stitches79)
Profile   Post #: 28
RE: Some advice would go along way. - 7/19/2012 8:13:20 AM   
JanahX


Posts: 3443
Joined: 8/21/2010
Status: offline 		In a general sense - those things need to be in place for me to want to be around someone in the long term. I want to LEARN from them - because they know a lot of shit about a lot of shit. That, and I get a general sense that they use logic and have a great deal of common sense.

Of course there are going to be areas where Im going to be excelled in a subject/area than they are. I guess what I was trying to convey is that I would never submit to someone who I find considerably clueless.


quote:

ORIGINAL: LillyoftheVally


quote:

ORIGINAL: sexyred1


quote:

ORIGINAL: JanahX


When I meet a new person - I can usually size up in a very short amount of time whether or not they are smarter, faster, quicker and wiser than myself. That alone will determine if they are dominant to me or not.



I think the OP has gotten perfect advice. I am curious if others feel the same way as the above; do you only feel someone can be dominant to you if they are smarter, faster, etc. than you? Do you need to feel you are less than your Dominant?




The opposite, I have to feel generally equal and more skilled at some things. If I am not valued in that way then what is the point in submitting? If I am of worth to my partner then the submission itself is valuable.



< Message edited by JanahX -- 7/19/2012 8:17:47 AM >

_____________________________

The first rule of Fight Club is you do not talk about Fight Club.

The second rule of Fight Club is you do not talk about Fight Club.


(in reply to LillyoftheVally)
Profile   Post #: 29
RE: Some advice would go along way. - 7/19/2012 8:17:52 AM   
sexyred1


Posts: 8998
Joined: 8/9/2007
Status: offline 		Yes, I would agree with the clueless part. But I still maintain that I can still be submissive and as smart and talented, if not more, than a partner and it can still work. What is ideal for me is being with someone who excels in some areas that I could use help in and me in others that he lacks, and that way we can balance each other.

(in reply to JanahX)
Profile   Post #: 30
RE: Some advice would go along way. - 7/19/2012 8:24:08 AM   
LadyPact


Posts: 32566
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: JanahX

In a general sense - those things need to be in place for me to want to be around someone in the long term. I want to LEARN from them - because they know a lot of shit about a lot of shit. That, and I get a general sense that they use logic and have a great deal of common sense.

Of course there are going to be areas where Im going to be excelled in a subject/area than they are. I guess what I was trying to convey is that I would never submit to someone who I find considerably clueless.


quote:

ORIGINAL: LillyoftheVally


quote:

ORIGINAL: sexyred1


quote:

ORIGINAL: JanahX


When I meet a new person - I can usually size up in a very short amount of time whether or not they are smarter, faster, quicker and wiser than myself. That alone will determine if they are dominant to me or not.



I think the OP has gotten perfect advice. I am curious if others feel the same way as the above; do you only feel someone can be dominant to you if they are smarter, faster, etc. than you? Do you need to feel you are less than your Dominant?




The opposite, I have to feel generally equal and more skilled at some things. If I am not valued in that way then what is the point in submitting? If I am of worth to my partner then the submission itself is valuable.



Completely off topic, but holy shit! If I had to live up to that, I wouldn't be Dominant over anyone.

Sounds like the old intro to the Six Million Dollar Man....

Better, stronger, faster.....





_____________________________

The crowned Diva of Destruction. ~ ExT

Beach Ball Sized Lady Nuts. ~ TWD

Happily dating a new submissive. It's official. I've named him engie.

Please do not send me email here. Unless I know you, I will delete the email unread

(in reply to JanahX)
Profile   Post #: 31
RE: Some advice would go along way. - 7/19/2012 8:29:46 AM   
OttersSwim


Posts: 2860
Joined: 9/1/2008
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyPact

Completely off topic, but holy shit! If I had to live up to that, I wouldn't be Dominant over anyone.

Sounds like the old intro to the Six Million Dollar Man....

Better, stronger, faster.....






QFT

To me, D-Type people are not better than I am, they simply are people living a different role - their own essential self. I give myself over to someone with whom I can be connected to in that dynamic, with whom I feel loved, valued, and cherished. For that, I will give pretty completely of myself. For me, it has nothing to do with either of us being better, stronger, faster, etc.

_____________________________

I am on a journey of authenticity and self.

(in reply to LadyPact)
Profile   Post #: 32
RE: Some advice would go along way. - 7/19/2012 8:32:26 AM   
topcat


Posts: 1675
Joined: 1/31/2004
From: Tidewater, VA
Status: offline 		Here's your first assignment in being dominant. (which is situational- a good lesson even if you don't self identify as being *a* Dominant)

Walk away. Don't look back.

There are Plenty O Fish in the sea (but don't use that site to find them!), and surprisingly, many of them will not set you up to fail.

It's not about D/S, it's about being a Man. You deserve better (anyone does).

_____________________________

-there is no remission without blood-

(in reply to LadyPact)
Profile   Post #: 33
RE: Some advice would go along way. - 7/19/2012 8:32:47 AM   
JanahX


Posts: 3443
Joined: 8/21/2010
Status: offline 		Agreed. Which is why as I posted in another thread ( Bita's - Leggo my ego) that in general I make a pretty lousy sub. Im not really up to doing things just because my dominant tells me to. I question EVERYTHING. The balance has to be there at some level - but I do know this about myself - I do tend to seek people that I sense are a bit more knowledgeable about most things than myself. Not actually knowing why, I tend to follow my instinct telling me that there is something about that person I can learn from to perhaps add to myself so I can be a more knowledgeable person and thus navigate and function more productively in the world.

Of course that is only one area that makes someone more attractive to me in say comparison, to someone else.

I am very attracted to what I would consider brilliant people. Of course that is a subjective term that varies from one person to another. People that I consider clueless- but think that they know whats going on and are "right about everything" I find irritating. And I'll leave their company - actually, much sooner than later.

quote:

ORIGINAL: sexyred1

Yes, I would agree with the clueless part. But I still maintain that I can still be submissive and as smart and talented, if not more, than a partner and it can still work. What is ideal for me is being with someone who excels in some areas that I could use help in and me in others that he lacks, and that way we can balance each other.



< Message edited by JanahX -- 7/19/2012 9:18:47 AM >

_____________________________

The first rule of Fight Club is you do not talk about Fight Club.

The second rule of Fight Club is you do not talk about Fight Club.


(in reply to sexyred1)
Profile   Post #: 34
RE: Some advice would go along way. - 7/19/2012 8:40:27 AM   
Rochsub2009


Posts: 2536
Status: offline 		OP,
I'm gonna differ from the crowd with my response. I don't think you should dump her. My reason is that I've been in EXACTLY the same situation that she's in.

I identify as a submissive. It's a part of who I am. But I can't just submit to just anybody. Certain people have the type of personality and characteristics needed to dominate me. Others don't.

I go back and forth between D/s and vanilla relationships. I once had a vanilla girlfriend learn that I was into D/s, so she tried to become my Domme. The problem was that she didn't have a dominant bone in her body. And that's what I think vanilla folks miss sometimes. They think that they can just read a book, and buy a flogger, and suddenly they're ready to be a Dom/Domme. But it just doesn't work that way (at least not for me).

While I appreciated my vanilla girlfriend's attempt to be a Domme for me, it didn't work. She seemed silly trying to act like a Domme. And that's probably how you seem to your girlfriend. She's known you for 5 years, and she knows that you're NOT A DOM.

Rather than break up with her, you may be able to reach a compromise. Perhaps you guys can maintain your vanilla relationship, but you allow her to have a Dom on the side. If you both agree on the rules of engagement (e.g. no sex with the Dom), then it may work for you. After all, you've been sharing her for the past 5 years anyway. You just didn't know it.

She loves you and needs you. But she also needs her Dom. You can't give her what he does. So why make her choose between the two?

I hope that perspective helps you to see her side of things.
-Roch

< Message edited by Rochsub2009 -- 7/19/2012 8:44:11 AM >

(in reply to Stitches79)
Profile   Post #: 35
RE: Some advice would go along way. - 7/19/2012 8:51:45 AM   
JeffBC


Posts: 5799
Joined: 2/12/2012
From: Canada
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Rochsub2009
My reason is that I've been in EXACTLY the same situation that she's in.

You carried on an 18 month long affair?

Were it not for that, I'd agree with your assessment. It's certainly possible to setup a poly thing. You're correct that only my own sense of dominance rejects the idea that someone else might be dominant over me with Carol. But the whole 18 months of deception thing, then the blame-shifting, then the disrespect. I just can't see it working.

_____________________________

I'm a lover of "what is", not because I'm a spiritual person, but because it hurts when I argue with reality. -- Bryon Katie
"You're humbly arrogant" -- sunshinemiss
officially a member of the K Crowd

(in reply to Rochsub2009)
Profile   Post #: 36
RE: Some advice would go along way. - 7/19/2012 9:10:46 AM   
Rochsub2009


Posts: 2536
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: JeffBC
But the whole 18 months of deception thing, then the blame-shifting, then the disrespect. I just can't see it working.


I don't really understand the details of the OP's relationship. Admittedly, I didn't read it very closely. So I'm not sure about the 18 month affair.

In my situation, there was no sex with the Domme.

(in reply to JeffBC)
Profile   Post #: 37
RE: Some advice would go along way. - 7/19/2012 9:16:39 AM   
LadyPact


Posts: 32566
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Rochsub2009
In my situation, there was no sex with the Domme.
Coitus is not the determination of whether or not something is classified as an affair.




_____________________________

The crowned Diva of Destruction. ~ ExT

Beach Ball Sized Lady Nuts. ~ TWD

Happily dating a new submissive. It's official. I've named him engie.

Please do not send me email here. Unless I know you, I will delete the email unread

(in reply to Rochsub2009)
Profile   Post #: 38
RE: Some advice would go along way. - 7/19/2012 9:18:41 AM   
LadyHibiscus


Posts: 27124
Joined: 8/15/2005
From: Island Of Misfit Toys
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyPact


quote:

ORIGINAL: Rochsub2009
In my situation, there was no sex with the Domme.
Coitus is not the determination of whether or not something is classified as an affair.





Yep.

_____________________________

[page 23 girl]



(in reply to LadyPact)
Profile   Post #: 39
RE: Some advice would go along way. - 7/19/2012 9:25:44 AM   
JeffBC


Posts: 5799
Joined: 2/12/2012
From: Canada
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Rochsub2009
In my situation, there was no sex with the Domme.

Did you keep the existence of the Domme a secret? If you did, was that a secret your vanilla partner would have wished to known? If so, then I call it "cheating" and "dishonorable" and those labels have impact on how I would react to the story.


_____________________________

I'm a lover of "what is", not because I'm a spiritual person, but because it hurts when I argue with reality. -- Bryon Katie
"You're humbly arrogant" -- sunshinemiss
officially a member of the K Crowd

(in reply to Rochsub2009)
Profile   Post #: 40
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