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RE: I find that I'm moving to the sex part too quickly - 7/19/2012 8:04:52 AM   
angelikaJ


Posts: 8641
Joined: 6/22/2007
Status: offline 		To the OP,

Have you ever seen those BDSM checklists?

Perhaps you could go through one with your current partner and have her do 2 things: have her categorise everything into yes, no and maybe.
And then with the yeses have her rate them 1-10 as to how arousing she finds each.

At some point you can talk about the maybes and then discuss which nos might be explorable vs which were not (soft vs hard limits) but it will give you a notion of what is making her tick.

Some other things: sensual teasing like dragging silk across skin very slowly.





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RE: I find that I'm moving to the sex part too quickly - 7/19/2012 8:07:05 AM   
Snowstormzzz


Posts: 8
Joined: 7/18/2012
Status: offline 		Noise isn't a factor because we'll enjoy our time on short weekend getaways of a couple of hours in a love motel of sorts. Probably sounds dirty, but very much the social norm for us with sky high housing prices where staying with one's parents after being married is very common.

This is a first relationship, and it maybe right that all she enjoys are the novels and the stuff on fanfiction.net. I'll probably have a chat with her soon.

Again, thank you for your help. This question is pretty much bugging the hell out of me. I'll have a look at this thread again in the morning.

(in reply to kalikshama)
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RE: I find that I'm moving to the sex part too quickly - 7/19/2012 8:30:42 AM   
angelikaJ


Posts: 8641
Joined: 6/22/2007
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quote:

ORIGINAL: Snowstormzzz

Noise isn't a factor because we'll enjoy our time on short weekend getaways of a couple of hours in a love motel of sorts. Probably sounds dirty, but very much the social norm for us with sky high housing prices where staying with one's parents after being married is very common.

This is a first relationship, and it maybe right that all she enjoys are the novels and the stuff on fanfiction.net. I'll probably have a chat with her soon.

Again, thank you for your help. This question is pretty much bugging the hell out of me. I'll have a look at this thread again in the morning.


She may just not yet know how to be yet.

Finding and expressing one's sexual identity can take time.

I would not take her self-restraint personally.

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RE: I find that I'm moving to the sex part too quickly - 7/19/2012 8:35:01 AM   
JeffBC


Posts: 5799
Joined: 2/12/2012
From: Canada
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quote:

ORIGINAL: GreedyTop
quote:

-She has always been a "taker". Even before the BDSM stuff. Rather unresponsive, but gets very wet during the rougher parts. I know it sounds weird that someone can get wet AND still look bored, but there you go.

with this info, I would suggest that she is generally not into the BDSM stuff, other than the romance novel idea of being taken. Not exactly rape, but forcefully taken by someone she already has feelings for.

Kind of reminds me of Carol actually. Many of the words and descriptions he used fit nicely with Carol. If that's true then I'd say he is interpreting her reactions incorrectly (not to mention incredibly disrespectfully).

@OP
I think you've got some image in your head of what a proper BDSM submissive is and how she reacts. I think you've got a different sort of woman... one I'd call "socially and sexually submissive". Whether you want that or not is the question you need to ask yourself. But ideally you'd stop trying to compare her to your theoretical girl and just see and respect her for who she is. If it helps you any, I find that Carol's desire to be passively taken allows plenty of room for me to do some taking. For me personally that tends to take the form of "rutting in her like a wild animal" rather than whips & chains. I don't know if it counts as "setting the carpet on fire" but it manages to amuse me. I half-way wonder if the rub here is that you identify as a switch but you've got someone that I'd be calling a slave. You may not be cut out for each other.

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RE: I find that I'm moving to the sex part too quickly - 7/19/2012 8:42:40 AM   
ChatteParfaitt


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quote:

Again, thank you for your help. This question is pretty much bugging the hell out of me. I'll have a look at this thread again in the morning.


Good idea, you've been given a lot of input and it's going to take you awhile to digest all of it.




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RE: I find that I'm moving to the sex part too quickly - 7/19/2012 10:42:00 AM   
DesFIP


Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
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quote:

ORIGINAL: JeffBC
I half-way wonder if the rub here is that you identify as a switch but you've got someone that I'd be calling a slave.


QFT

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RE: I find that I'm moving to the sex part too quickly - 7/19/2012 12:39:18 PM   
littlewonder


Posts: 15659
Status: offline 		If both of you are ok, with it, then so what? Sounds like the only thing you seem to be worried about is her happiness in all this and if she won't speak then there's nothing you can do until she decides she's had enough and tells you what she wants. Until then, proceed with what you want to do.

Now if neither of you are happy with this and you want it to last longer, there's one of two things going on....1. Self control....I'm going to assume that if you don't have self control, you're probably very very young yet and haven't learned that little slice of life yet. You will. Learn it. You'll find life a lot less complicated once you do. Or 2. You both are bedroom kinky which is fine and nothing wrong with that....meaning you don't want this 24/7, you don't even want long sessions. It just means you both use it to enhance your sex lives just enough to spice it up until you both get horny enough to screw. That's fine and that's great and don't worry about it.


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RE: I find that I'm moving to the sex part too quickly - 7/19/2012 12:46:10 PM   
littlewonder


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quote:

ORIGINAL: littlewonder

If both of you are ok, with it, then so what? Sounds like the only thing you seem to be worried about is her happiness in all this and if she won't speak then there's nothing you can do until she decides she's had enough and tells you what she wants. Until then, proceed with what you want to do.

Now if neither of you are happy with this and you want it to last longer, there's one of two things going on....1. Self control....I'm going to assume that if you don't have self control, you're probably very very young yet and haven't learned that little slice of life yet. You will. Learn it. You'll find life a lot less complicated once you do. Or 2. You both are bedroom kinky which is fine and nothing wrong with that....meaning you don't want this 24/7, you don't even want long sessions. It just means you both use it to enhance your sex lives just enough to spice it up until you both get horny enough to screw. That's fine and that's great and don't worry about it.




Ok, after reading your other responses, I'd say she's just not that into you as a lover but more of as a friend or she just doesn't like sex or bdsm. Like others said she is probably into the romance novel idea....being taken roughly but not painfully.

But I'm still hedging my bets she's not really into you as a lover but as a friend. You two need a heart to heart talk.


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RE: I find that I'm moving to the sex part too quickly - 7/19/2012 6:27:55 PM   
kalikshama


Posts: 14805
Joined: 8/8/2010
Status: offline 		<--------- loved the love motels in Okinawa!

quote:

Noise isn't a factor because we'll enjoy our time on short weekend getaways of a couple of hours in a love motel of sorts. Probably sounds dirty, but very much the social norm for us with sky high housing prices where staying with one's parents after being married is very common.


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RE: I find that I'm moving to the sex part too quickly - 7/20/2012 3:21:20 AM   
LillyoftheVally


Posts: 1826
Joined: 7/22/2009
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Snowstormzzz

I've tried talking to her on it, but she seems confused and unsure as to what she want.



Ok, you said she came to this space through literature, have you read what she has read? Is there any way she could read through it and highlight the parts that she particularly enjoys?

I am not completely sure I agree with everyone's assessment that she is not that into it, maybe she isn't but I can't read her side. All I see is that you are bored and are thinking of looking elsewhere, call me crazy but that will impact the way you get intimate with each other and your performance.

If she is shy, have you tried hoods? I know that I feel I can let loose when my face is hidden.

I also wonder about your relationship, how much you actually like each other, the way you talk about your dates seems pretty distant. Also if you are meeting in a hotel you are obviously planning sex which doens't work for all people, it can feel like a chore something that has to be done if only because you have booked the room.

I really think the only way out of this is creative communication.

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RE: I find that I'm moving to the sex part too quickly - 7/20/2012 5:23:38 AM   
sheisreeds


Posts: 578
Joined: 7/8/2008
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: angelikaJ


quote:

ORIGINAL: Snowstormzzz

Noise isn't a factor because we'll enjoy our time on short weekend getaways of a couple of hours in a love motel of sorts. Probably sounds dirty, but very much the social norm for us with sky high housing prices where staying with one's parents after being married is very common.

This is a first relationship, and it maybe right that all she enjoys are the novels and the stuff on fanfiction.net. I'll probably have a chat with her soon.

Again, thank you for your help. This question is pretty much bugging the hell out of me. I'll have a look at this thread again in the morning.


She may just not yet know how to be yet.

Finding and expressing one's sexual identity can take time.

I would not take her self-restraint personally.



This.

I can remember a time where I was quiet in the bedroom, I just didn't make a lot of noise, thought it just wasn't me.

Now I'm quite loud.

Back then I wasn't unresponsive, I was just quiet. Though through talking with partners they told me they had girlfriends who were just "lie there and take it". We were all young and inexperienced.

There is a fair chance that she is very in her head and not sure who she is. It sounds like she has a healthy fantasy life, and it's a good sign that she is wet during the rougher parts.

The best thing to work on this is good old fashion talking and reassurance.

First, have the conversation and figure out if this is it.

If it is get her to do some reading on female sexual health. Help her figure out the underlying issues.

Also when I was wee and into kink I thought a good sub was quiet and passive. The truth is that a good sub is vulnerable (a good dom too!)

Also talk with her, she may need MORE, definitely talk with her first, establish some safewords and signals. Though she may may just be warming up.

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RE: I find that I'm moving to the sex part too quickly - 7/20/2012 5:56:56 AM   
angelikaJ


Posts: 8641
Joined: 6/22/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Snowstormzzz



I've tried talking to her on it, but she seems confused and unsure as to what she want.

Should I be looking for someone else?


First, you are looking for someone else.
Would you want her to "look for someone else" or would you want her to engage in open, loving conversation with you about what she was hoping the relationship, in time might evolve into with no hint of ultimatums?

And she may be very confused and unsure about what she wants: Things in literature can sound absolutely hot and then when tried with a partner, the reality can just not match with the fantasy.

Are you skilled in impact play?
A slow sensual spanking that builds can be very pleasurable even for a non-masochist.
A spanking that is too hard and too fast at the onset will just fucking hurt and if she isn't into pain... well, that would suck.

A deer skin flogger is a nice soft leather with very little sting.

Is she orgasmic?

(Hint: if she isn't cumming then the correct answer is not yet.)
Does she masturbate or was that a cultural no-no when she was growing up?


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The original home of the caffeinated psychotic hair pixies.
(as deemed by He who owns me)

http://www.collarchat.com/m_3234821/tm.htm

30 fluffy points!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mQjuCQd01sg

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RE: I find that I'm moving to the sex part too quickly - 7/20/2012 6:56:29 AM   
GotSteel


Posts: 5871
Joined: 2/19/2008
Status: offline 		There's a too quickly?

I've got to say my immediate mental image on reading the title was of someone dropping their pants and then introducing themselves.

Seriously though, you don't need to separate the sex part and the BDSM part. There's absolutely no rule that says you can't throw her over the bed, stick your cock in and then start torturing her.

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RE: I find that I'm moving to the sex part too quickly - 7/20/2012 7:05:03 AM   
littlewonder


Posts: 15659
Status: offline 		I just get the feeling that she read a few harlequin romance novels or little naughty housewife books and she likes the idea of those fantasies...being taken and ravished by a hot, strong man....whereas he's all about the kinky sex and bondage and toys, etc....and there's a disconnect among both of them.

They may be speaking the same language but they're speaking different dialects.


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RE: I find that I'm moving to the sex part too quickly - 7/20/2012 7:40:29 AM   
GotSteel


Posts: 5871
Joined: 2/19/2008
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quote:

Oh, is she unresponsive b/c she is afraid to make noise b/c you live at home? This could be a huge mitigating factor.


For my girl it was because she learned to masturbate at home. Even though she never picked up a religion she caught the whole catholic guilt over her sexuality real bad simply because of the community she was raised in.

When I met her, she'd hide under the covers to use a vibrator and didn't understand why she couldn't get to orgasm. Having a safe space where she could learn that it was ok for her to scream her head off was important for her.

Maybe what's going on with your girl is completely different but if it's the case that she hasn't learned to embrace her sexuality and is still confused/conflicted about what she actually desires vs. what she was raised to believe that she should desire.... Well in that case creating a safe space where she isn't judged can really help her become comfortable with herself.

(in reply to kalikshama)
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RE: I find that I'm moving to the sex part too quickly - 7/20/2012 8:54:59 AM   
DesFIP


Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline 		Also, the fact that you don't care if the people in the next hotel room can hear what you're doing doesn't mean that she doesn't care. She may have a major problem being overheard. I would suggest talking to her but since you won't believe her anyway, there's no point.

This relationship cannot go anywhere without trust. If you can't trust her, then let her find someone who does.

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RE: I find that I'm moving to the sex part too quickly - 7/20/2012 9:16:12 AM   
LadyHibiscus


Posts: 27124
Joined: 8/15/2005
From: Island Of Misfit Toys
Status: offline 		Since both parties are asian, I don't think any of us can speak to the culture they grew up in.

Talk to each other while you are both dressed.

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RE: I find that I'm moving to the sex part too quickly - 7/20/2012 9:33:45 AM   
littlewonder


Posts: 15659
Status: offline 		oohhh....I have a whole other way to go on this story then. I didn't know she is Asian. I have a few female Asian acquaintances and I remember the talk that was going on somehow turned to sex and the Asian women responded how differently American women act in bed, all wild and pushy, loud and aggressive. They both said that in China where they were from, women are taught that the man is on top, woman on the bottom lying straight as a board with no noise. It's apparently the traditional, demurely way of Asian women.

I had forgotten all about that until now. I dunno if the same is in Japan however. Maybe it's a culture clash or traditions clash.



< Message edited by littlewonder -- 7/20/2012 9:34:04 AM >

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RE: I find that I'm moving to the sex part too quickly - 7/20/2012 11:10:32 AM   
Thaz


Posts: 617
Joined: 4/28/2012
Status: offline 		Plenty of toys that are fine to have in plain sight.

Belts, scarves, hairbrushes, slippers, rulers, you're hands. Doesnt mean you should rush for those as other people have pointed out. You dont need a dungeon full of toys.

Its worth perhaps looking at those check sheets. I would get her to fill one out when you arnt there so you cant influence what she likes or wants to try. A good questions and answers session about what she felt and what she liked or didnt ....well after the fact is sometimes useful. Read whatever books or sites she read!!!!!

If YOU are rushing to the sex part....welll get your rocks off early and THEN do the kink stuff. If she's into submission then a good old fashioned blow job/handjob or facial first THEN get to the kink so you can contrate on that without the brain between your legs demanding it gets in on the action right frakking now. If shes not into that then just jerk off a few times before hand.

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RE: I find that I'm moving to the sex part too quickly - 7/20/2012 1:57:36 PM   
GotSteel


Posts: 5871
Joined: 2/19/2008
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: DesFIP
I would suggest talking to her but since you won't believe her anyway, there's no point.

This relationship cannot go anywhere without trust. If you can't trust her, then let her find someone who does.

I've got to say, I really have no idea where this came from.

From what I heard she's been unable to articulate her feelings which is very different from not believing her.

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Profile   Post #: 40
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