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RE: I find that I'm moving to the sex part too quickly - 7/20/2012 2:01:05 PM

JeffBC

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quote:

ORIGINAL: GotSteel
From what I heard she's been unable to articulate her feelings which is very different from not believing her.

Did you perhaps miss this part:
I've questioned whether she's really enjoying it. She has said yes, but I'm not sure if this is the truthful answer.
In other words, he thinks she's a liar.

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RE: I find that I'm moving to the sex part too quickly - 7/20/2012 2:12:27 PM

GotSteel

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quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyHibiscus
Since both parties are asian, I don't think any of us can speak to the culture they grew up in.
Talk to each other while you are both dressed.

quote:

ORIGINAL: littlewonder
It's apparently the traditional, demurely way of Asian women.

I had forgotten all about that until now. I dunno if the same is in Japan however. Maybe it's a culture clash or traditions clash.

Japan definitely has plenty of repression as well. I can't say that I know about Singapore though.

We generally get asked for advice around here without being told many of the essential details, usually I'll try and ask questions to fill in some of the blanks but in this case where he doesn't know and she doesn't say

it doesn't seem like that would help much.

So the best I can do is put up a disclaimer and throw a possible scenario out there.

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RE: I find that I'm moving to the sex part too quickly - 7/20/2012 2:14:34 PM

sheisreeds

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quote:

ORIGINAL: Snowstormzzz
-She has always been a "taker". Even before the BDSM stuff. Rather unresponsive, but gets very wet during the rougher parts. I know it sounds weird that someone can get wet AND still look bored, but there you go.

Says that there is a good chance she is into it on some level. It sounds like sexually it is possible that she is not comfortable with herself and who she is.

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RE: I find that I'm moving to the sex part too quickly - 7/20/2012 2:43:39 PM

ChatteParfaitt

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quote:

ORIGINAL: sheisreeds

Says that there is a good chance she is into it on some level. It sounds like sexually it is possible that she is not comfortable with herself and who she is.

I totally agree with this statement, I think there is an excellent chance she is not awake to her own sexuality. Many females are not.

Which is why a great dominant male will learn about how to turn a woman on sexually, how to destroy her inhibitions, how to bring her to a place where she *has* to acknowledge herself as a sexual being.

In my mind, the way to do this is to be a super fantastic lover. Which, let's face it ladies, most males are NOT. They have to be told what to do. Every single fantastic male dom lover I have ever had (and I've had a few in my lifetime) has been taught what to do by a female.

Himself has truly the most excellent oral skills, I can say the best I have ever encountered, and he learned that by being willing to let the female teach him AND being a great student.

There is also the paying attention bit. Great male lovers pay attention to the female and can tell, even if she *is* the quiet type, where she's at in terms of arousal, building to orgasm level, etc.

Knowing exactly how to get your s-type to come, and exactly when that will happen, is to me part of being a good d-type, and that takes lots of practice.

Lots of lots of lovely practice. It's a win-win.

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RE: I find that I'm moving to the sex part too quickly - 7/20/2012 7:10:05 PM

Dunamis2009

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I don't know if OP is still here, but:
Do you guys talk *during* sex? Things like, "I like that, more" or "You're squishing my arm"?
Also, maybe some girls just have quiet personalities. You could try having her say in whatever voice she feels comfortable how much she enjoys what you're doing, but on a scale that you choose- maybe 1-10, maybe different colors for how turned on she is. Maybe even let her choose her own scale? Just make sure that she knows that you won't be disappointed in your own performance, you're looking to get better.

Try telling her some things to say, too ("Call me your master" etc.) It could be that she's just blanking out, or she thinks you enjoy the lack of emotion (Does she relate to Kristen Stewart?)

My impression is that she enjoys it but doesn't know how to express it- or how YOU want her to express it.

EDIT:
Just to be absolutely clear, the Kristen Stewart part is a joke. Much like her acting career.

< Message edited by Dunamis2009 -- 7/20/2012 7:12:03 PM >

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RE: I find that I'm moving to the sex part too quickly - 7/21/2012 7:55:15 AM

Snowstormzzz

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Hello All. Apologies for not responding, but I was trying to just let this thread die out. No point keeping them past their shelf life.

However, I do read the thread every 6 hours or so, and will take keep everything in mind. Thank you to everyone who has contributed!

Still, first the talk, then we'll see.

Just 2 general things:

-Singapore is pretty multicultural, and we have opened our doors to quite a number of foreigners. However, between Asian couples, it's still pretty conservative. However, it depends on the couple, as always. It is how we are brought up: Sex is bad etc etc.
-Double LOLs for that double Kristen insult.

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RE: I find that I'm moving to the sex part too quickly - 7/21/2012 7:57:13 AM

GreedyTop

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I still love that pic, Snow... what an adorable furbaby!! and good luck with your talk... I hope it goes well!

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RE: I find that I'm moving to the sex part too quickly - 7/21/2012 8:26:08 AM

Duskypearls

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quote:

ORIGINAL: ChatteParfaitt

quote:

ORIGINAL: sheisreeds

Says that there is a good chance she is into it on some level. It sounds like sexually it is possible that she is not comfortable with herself and who she is.

I totally agree with this statement, I think there is an excellent chance she is not awake to her own sexuality. Many females are not.

Which is why a great dominant male will learn about how to turn a woman on sexually, how to destroy her inhibitions, how to bring her to a place where she *has* to acknowledge herself as a sexual being.

In my mind, the way to do this is to be a super fantastic lover. Which, let's face it ladies, most males are NOT. They have to be told what to do. Every single fantastic male dom lover I have ever had (and I've had a few in my lifetime) has been taught what to do by a female.

Himself has truly the most excellent oral skills, I can say the best I have ever encountered, and he learned that by being willing to let the female teach him AND being a great student.

There is also the paying attention bit. Great male lovers pay attention to the female and can tell, even if she *is* the quiet type, where she's at in terms of arousal, building to orgasm level, etc.

Knowing exactly how to get your s-type to come, and exactly when that will happen, is to me part of being a good d-type, and that takes lots of practice.

Lots of lots of lovely practice. It's a win-win.

Chatte, I believe you may have nailed it with your answer. If this gal is anything like I used to be (and I'm not claiming she is), she might suffer from a combination of things such as being sexually and verbally repressed, being disconnected and too much "in her head" and not enough in her body, feeling shameful about herself, her body, or asking for what she wants and receiving it. She may also be quiet and demure by culture or personality, and need permission and much encouragement to be sexually present and active.

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RE: I find that I'm moving to the sex part too quickly - 7/21/2012 5:28:29 PM

LookieNoNookie

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quote:

ORIGINAL: Snowstormzzz

Title says it all. I'm looking for help with my issue.

When I'm with my sub, I find that I get bored too quickly and proceed onto the sex part too quickly. She's one of those subs that keeps quiet about her wants and needs, being rather unsure as to what she wants.

I've tried tying her up, humiliating her, forcing orgasms on her, puppy playing with her, spanking/caning her. But something always feels missing. A specific connection? I'm at a slight loss as to how to proceed.

A typical session will usually be 10-15 minutes of the BDSM stuff, then followed by the sexual stuff.

I'm sure some are fine with this, but I want the teasing part to last longer, but I'm rather at a loss. She always seem nearly bored during anything that isn't sex.

I've tried talking to her on it, but she seems confused and unsure as to what she want.

Should I be looking for someone else?

I actually think you're sincere....so I won't be an insincere prick and (well.....)......

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RE: I find that I'm moving to the sex part too quickly - 7/21/2012 7:00:44 PM

sheisreeds

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If you're both in this for the right reasons, and are willing to stick it out and grow you'll both get what you give.

I wish you both luck.

I appreciate people who post with open ears.

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Oh my darling, give me reason
give me something to believe in

You need a spankin' baby!

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RE: I find that I'm moving to the sex part too quickly - 7/22/2012 1:06:12 AM

Duskypearls

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Other things to consider, OP, is your gal may have unresolved trauma/abuse issues from her past that may keep her shut down/off, health issues (mental, emotional, physical), or even hormonal imbalance.

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RE: I find that I'm moving to the sex part too quickly - 7/22/2012 8:25:10 AM

Kana

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Joined: 10/24/2006
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quote:

Title says it all. I'm looking for help with my issue.

When I'm with my sub, I find that I get bored too quickly and proceed onto the sex part too quickly. She's one of those subs that keeps quiet about her wants and needs, being rather unsure as to what she wants.

I've tried tying her up, humiliating her, forcing orgasms on her, puppy playing with her, spanking/caning her. But something always feels missing. A specific connection? I'm at a slight loss as to how to proceed.

A typical session will usually be 10-15 minutes of the BDSM stuff, then followed by the sexual stuff.

I'm sure some are fine with this, but I want the teasing part to last longer, but I'm rather at a loss. She always seem nearly bored during anything that isn't sex.

I've tried talking to her on it, but she seems confused and unsure as to what she want.

Should I be looking for someone else?

Why must the BDSM/Sex parts be separate?
For me they are absolutely intertwined.
Give this a try. See the sex as a BDSM act, make it part of the power exchange.
Now me, I love me some foreplay.
I love it because it allows me in, lets me slide around the flanks of her mind, heart and body, slowly burrow in, turning her on more and more, feeling her become more malleable as the pleasure (And need to orgasm/be fucked) grows.
Use foreplay. Make it work for you. See it as a tool to help find what she likes, what she doesn't, but most of all use it as a weapon.
Get her turned on. Drive her higher and higher, then at the penultimate moment withdraw, or even better, give her some pain, a sharp contrast to the pleasure, something that yanks her down. Then do it again, and again. Rinse/wash, repeat until she's a blubbering mess begging to cum, begging you to take her, begging you to do anything you want, just "Stop, stop stop and let me free"

Trust me, it's hot as balls to do.
And it will drive her nuts.
And for you, only the funnest thing ever.
Nothing better than making a bitch yours mind body and soul and taking her to places she didn't even imagine existed.

That's power.

Chuckles
BDSM ain't whips and chains. It's getting into her mind and heart, forging those internal chains that really matter, the ones that the physical chains and restraints we bind her with merely symbolize

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RE: I find that I'm moving to the sex part too quickly - 7/22/2012 12:41:27 PM

Blackwolf9

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RE: I find that I'm moving to the sex part too quickly - 7/22/2012 12:44:12 PM

GotSteel

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quote:

ORIGINAL: JeffBC
Did you perhaps miss this part:
I've questioned whether she's really enjoying it. She has said yes, but I'm not sure if this is the truthful answer.
In other words, he thinks she's a liar.

Yeah, I connected that with the whole her being unsure and conflicted part so strongly that I completely missed the possible interpretation that he's calling her a liar.

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Post #: 54