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Is it me, or is this common? - 7/21/2012 10:08:16 PM

GlowingEye

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This is something of a personal rant, in that it doesn't have any significance outside of my own world. It's not even strictly BDSM related, although it is tangentially... Still, any insight or whatever is always welcome.

Maybe the problem is me, but I seriously don't think so. Some background: I was a late bloomer, and didn't have my first date till I was 19. Since then I've dated some, had a few relationships, but still consider myself rather inexperienced when it comes to dating and whatnot. So, it could be me not getting something.

Out of 4 relationships, 2 of them have ended when the guy just "disappeared" for want of a better term. Both were semi-long distant (~2 hours apart), so we saw each other regularly, but not more than once a week.

The first time it happened, he stopped answering phone calls, emails, texts etc. I later learned he got engaged the week we last spoke, so I rather figure he was cheating on SOMEBODY at that point (whether I was the girlfriend or mistress, I don't care, the situations still sucked). Then it happened again last month. Same situation, different guy. Well, except the engaged part. No replies to any of my attempts to contact him.

In neither case did either express any... dissatisfaction with the way things were going before things "ended". Hell, one of the last discussions I had with the second guy was about me coming to his place to stay a couple days.

I've considered the possibility that I was a booty call type thing, but surely they could have found that closer than 2 hours away? Or maybe I wanted to go slower than them, seeing as I hadn't had sex with either of them.

Is it me? Or am I just sucky at picking guys?

Post #: 1

RE: Is it me, or is this common? - 7/21/2012 10:10:10 PM

littlewonder

Posts: 15659
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When they first met you they figured you were someone they wanted to have sex with. When you didn't meet their timeline, they went poof. It's common unfortunately.

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RE: Is it me, or is this common? - 7/21/2012 10:28:42 PM

MsLadySue

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Unfortunately this is common. Think about the situations this way ... you had some pleasant dates but did not compromise yourself by having sex just because that's what they wanted. I applaud you.

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RE: Is it me, or is this common? - 7/21/2012 11:21:08 PM

NiceButMeanGirl

Posts: 2756
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From: Bellingham, WA U.S.A.
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Yeah, I've met guys and everything seems to be going well until I tell them I won't give them sex or kink on the very first meet and then POOF!!! They're gone. I figure it's a great screening tool. If that's all they want, they're not compatible with me anyway. So, I know this sounds awful probably, but just be glad they're gone.

NBMG

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RE: Is it me, or is this common? - 7/22/2012 12:46:45 AM

SexyThoughts

Posts: 180
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In my experience, long distance relationships are hard to pull off. Really hard, since you don't share the same rhythms, gradually get out of step, eventually one persons worst day coincides with the others best day and your differences become more visible, than your commonalities.

http://www.wikihow.com/Make-a-Long-Distance-Relationship-Work
http://blogs.menshealth.com/health-headlines/why-long-commutes-lead-to-divorce/2011/06/06

TLDR: LDR's are fucking hard to make work. Really fucking hard. Your two failures with strangers ain't no thing.

(in reply to NiceButMeanGirl)

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RE: Is it me, or is this common? - 7/22/2012 12:50:22 AM

xLaChienne

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Joined: 11/12/2011
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Yes, it is common.

To Me, the examples you give look more like casual dating. I'm curious why you call those examples a relationship? Did you agree to date exclusively? How long did these relationships last?

(in reply to GlowingEye)

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RE: Is it me, or is this common? - 7/22/2012 1:08:39 AM

GlowingEye

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Joined: 9/20/2007
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@ xLaChienne
Yes, in both cases we'd agreed to be exclusive. I'm rather paranoid about that and so when it seems to get serious, I tend to bring it up. Both times, I asked what they thought we were or some variant, and both times was told that we were exclusive/boyfriend-girlfriend/whatever. The first time we'd been together for about 8 months, this most recent was shorter, but no less explicitly exclusive.

@SexyThoughts
I agree. It's never my preferred status, although I have made a LDR work (well, it worked for about a year, until it became very obvious we wanted different things out of life). It's not really a matter of it being a LDR and not working, but that they didn't even send me a text saying, "We're over." I got zero closure in both cases and it sucks. A lot.

(in reply to xLaChienne)

Post #: 7

RE: Is it me, or is this common? - 7/22/2012 1:23:28 AM

xLaChienne

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Joined: 11/12/2011
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8 months and no sex? Wow.

Honestly, without sex what exactly were you being exclusive about? Was there any kinky play or BDSM in the mix? Were you a D/s couple with sex being off the table? Dating? Without sex, I call it casual dating. That doesn't mean there isn't intent to progress to a more serious relationship but I don't know many if any people, male or female, that would still be in it at the 8 month mark with no sex. Maybe the super religious folks I know but by 8 months they would be married... to get the sex.

It sucks and I'm sorry that it happened to you. The fade is a very common move among internet daters. The distance makes this much easier to do. Ignoring someone is an answer and likely all the closure you will get.

You can be assured that it isn't you. It is very common and happens to everyone that uses on line to date or meet people. I would suggest that if you enter into an exclusive relationship, you should know quite a bit about the person you are engaging with before agreeing or suggesting exclusivity. Meet his friends, family, etc. Know where he works and meet coworkers. Be actively involved with his life before an agreement is made.

(in reply to GlowingEye)

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RE: Is it me, or is this common? - 7/22/2012 1:34:59 AM

littlewonder

Posts: 15659
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uumm...I'm sorry but you wanted to wait for sex.....after being together for 8 months???? Hon, I would have split too.

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RE: Is it me, or is this common? - 7/22/2012 1:38:21 AM

GlowingEye

Posts: 22
Joined: 9/20/2007
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It was my first relationship, I was still feeling things out. There was kink involved, yes, and lots of play, just no penetrative sex. We'd play quite a bit with each other, and there were a few blowjobs and plenty of other types of sexual play, just no sex-sex (both of us were in college and living with parents so that put a damper on some of it). *shrug*

I've gone the other way, and had sex way too quickly. It's entirely possible that I haven't found the balance yet.

It's possible that we mean different things when we say exclusive. For me, it just means not dating anyone else. I feel it's necessary (for me) to do it that way. Maybe I'm just wonky that way. lol

(in reply to xLaChienne)

Post #: 10

RE: Is it me, or is this common? - 7/22/2012 1:40:42 AM

GlowingEye

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Joined: 9/20/2007
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First relationship + Living with parents + Seeing each other 2-3 times a month may = stupid move, but it's still not the issue I had. If he was upset cause I hadn't had sex with him yet, HE NEVER SAID SO. He just split for (seemingly) no reason. THAT was the issue I had/have.

EDIT: Just a note, but whether he was right or not to want out of the relationship isn't what I'm... curious about. I may have been in the wrong, I don't know, it's a bit late to worry about now. It's the disappearing act that I want to know if is common or not.

< Message edited by GlowingEye -- 7/22/2012 1:45:21 AM >

(in reply to littlewonder)

Post #: 11

RE: Is it me, or is this common? - 7/22/2012 2:17:16 AM

Whenready

Posts: 319
Joined: 3/5/2009
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The disappearing act is not uncommon. It's easier just to vanish than to look someone in the eye and say it's over. Long distance also adds "It's going to cost me time and money too".

Good luck with your next relationship!

(in reply to GlowingEye)

Post #: 12

RE: Is it me, or is this common? - 7/22/2012 4:00:27 AM

SexyThoughts

Posts: 180
Joined: 7/14/2011
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You want a relationship? You need three things; proximity; repeated, unplanned interactions; and a setting that encourages people to let their guard down and confide in each other.

LDR's have none of that. By definition you're long distance which is the opposite of proximity. Every synchronous cyber interaction is either booked or it's an interruption to real life. Every asynchronous interaction where you've got time to think is one way. And the internet has never been private, everything you speak, type or video online, can wind up with a wider audience, either forwarded, hacked or intercepted.

"Drifting apart" isn't just a metaphor, distance between people fucks with the monkey brains definition of "here in my life"

(in reply to Whenready)

Post #: 13

RE: Is it me, or is this common? - 7/22/2012 5:25:11 AM

kalikshama

Posts: 14805
Joined: 8/8/2010
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quote:

It's the disappearing act that I want to know if is common or not.

Yes. It's common. But I don't think any of the threads we've had have been about local Houdinis. I've had local men go poof but not after we got to the dating stage - only before we met.

I see you're in Columbus, OH, which looks like it has an active kink scene. I recommend going to local events and networking that way. Are you already familiar with munches and so on? https://fetlife.com/search?q=columbus

I recommend you take all of your journal entries and move them to a private journal. They're depressing.

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RE: Is it me, or is this common? - 7/22/2012 5:26:41 AM

ChatteParfaitt

Posts: 6562
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From: The t'aint of the Midwest -- Indiana
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quote:

ORIGINAL: SexyThoughts

You want a relationship? You need three things; proximity; repeated, unplanned interactions; and a setting that encourages people to let their guard down and confide in each other.

LDR's have none of that. By definition you're long distance which is the opposite of proximity. Every synchronous cyber interaction is either booked or it's an interruption to real life. Every asynchronous interaction where you've got time to think is one way. And the internet has never been private, everything you speak, type or video online, can wind up with a wider audience, either forwarded, hacked or intercepted.

"Drifting apart" isn't just a metaphor, distance between people fucks with the monkey brains definition of "here in my life"

It takes time to get to know someone, and I so agree, set dates are too contrived to move the relationship along at the normal speed. Which is still fairly slow. I read somewhere that it takes 8-9 months before a "couple" really lets down their guard and allows the other to see who they really are. In a LDR, that's going to be much longer.

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RE: Is it me, or is this common? - 7/22/2012 6:43:39 AM

topcat

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From: Tidewater, VA
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Glowing Eye-

'Late bloomer' ? hell, you're still sprouting!

Seriously, even if you got a late start, four 'Relationships' in 3 years is not terribly backwards.

And if 2 of four just kinda gave up, or moved on, after a few months with no sex, that doesn't strike me as odd at all- I mean, I could easily see them just feeling it was going no where and moving on without wanting to create any drama about it ( which isn't 'right' or good or honorable, but it's pretty human). As for the 8 month guy not SAYING that he had an issue with the no sex part, well, it's likely that he has been conditioned to believe that being 'pushy' about it is a BAD THING and he doesn't want to be that guy. SO he wants it, and he thinks he shouldn't, so he talks a good game about being patient. Then some local girl comes along and jumps his bones (or at least professes a profound and imminent willingness to do so) and you are far away, and his hard on is right there...

So, closure is something you don't always get.

I would advise, that somewhere between having sex 'too soon' and eight months lies a happy medium. I'd also suggest that at your age, too soon is better than too late. Some of my best relationships were ones when the first date came after the sex.

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RE: Is it me, or is this common? - 7/22/2012 7:39:51 AM

DesFIP

Posts: 25191
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From: Apple County NY
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If he had sat you down and said "By the way I've been seeing someone much hotter than you and I'm proposing tomorrow", how do you think you would have responded? Would you have congratulated him or gotten angry, calling him a dirty, rotten cheater?

He split because he didn't want to go through that. You have closure, you just don't want to accept it. He left because he didn't want you enough to be with you. After all, what could you have done to change his mind? Nothing.

This may sound harsh, if so apologies. That was not my intent. I don't know how to sugarcoat the reality of the situation. People don't enjoy drama and will evade it if possible.

< Message edited by DesFIP -- 7/22/2012 7:45:39 AM >

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RE: Is it me, or is this common? - 7/22/2012 9:49:28 AM

slaveluci

Posts: 4294
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From: Little Rock, AR
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quote:

ORIGINAL: ChatteParfaitt

I read somewhere that it takes 8-9 months before a "couple" really lets down their guard and allows the other to see who they really are. In a LDR, that's going to be much longer.

Not necessarily. That sure wasn't the case with Master and I. We started off long-distance and I would say we knew each other better in six weeks than many people do after months or even years together. We're working on our 7th year together and still going strong. Apparently lots of folks have major issues with LDR's. We simply never did..........luci

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RE: Is it me, or is this common? - 7/22/2012 12:25:06 PM

lizi

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Joined: 2/1/2009
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It certainly happens that people of both sexes disappear and for all different reasons. Sometimes they are married or in a relationship and that weighs in. Sometimes it isn't what they want. Sometimes circumstances change. You get the idea. The disappearing happens because they don't want a confrontation and it's easier to just fade away. It didn't end up working for them for some reason and like Topcat said, you don't always get closure. That's just how it is. Sure, they could have just told you but they didn't, so pick up and move on.

That being said, if I waited 8 months to have sex with someone I'd be disappearing too. That's something I want to check out and see if we're on the same page way before the 8 month mark rolls around. I'm not keen on wasting time. If I find out 8 months after seeing someone that he's not a match for me in the bedroom then it's time wasted to my way of thinking. That's just me. You are free to do things however works for you and the person who sticks around will obviously be a good match for you then.

(in reply to GlowingEye)

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RE: Is it me, or is this common? - 7/22/2012 1:41:09 PM

seekingreality

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quote:

ORIGINAL: GlowingEye

@ xLaChienne
Yes, in both cases we'd agreed to be exclusive. I'm rather paranoid about that and so when it seems to get serious, I tend to bring it up. Both times, I asked what they thought we were or some variant, and both times was told that we were exclusive/boyfriend-girlfriend/whatever. The first time we'd been together for about 8 months, this most recent was shorter, but no less explicitly exclusive.

@SexyThoughts
I agree. It's never my preferred status, although I have made a LDR work (well, it worked for about a year, until it became very obvious we wanted different things out of life). It's not really a matter of it being a LDR and not working, but that they didn't even send me a text saying, "We're over." I got zero closure in both cases and it sucks. A lot.

1. If you're not having sex, you are unlikely to be having an exclusive relationship, no matter what the guy says.
2. If you live so far apart that you can only meet once a week and every meeting has to be scheduled in advance, the guy is unlikely to develop much of a real attachment to you.
3. The guys may have left because of the absense of sex. Or you might have had sex and they still could have left.
4. Lots of people hate confrontation. And frankly, many guys will believe that if you are not yet having sex with you the relationship is not at a point where they owe you anything,

So bottom line: The guys probably lied to you because the distance/absence of sex didn't make it feel like they had a relationship with you.

(in reply to GlowingEye)

Post #: 20

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