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confused :( - 7/23/2012 11:14:26 PM

clum

Posts: 9
Joined: 1/7/2010
Status: offline

i am married..
and before our marriage we talked and experienced Ds with my wife.

i was the one who introduced Her Ds lifestyle. She liked the idea and we played and learned together. (roles are me sub and She as Domme)

after we got married one year passed i realized something and it makes me confused..
i think She is not Domminant She did all of these because of me.. and now She focused on Her business etc. and for a long time we are not having any Ds. If i a little bit force or remind about Ds She immediatly focus on Her things which She doesnt like to do at home (house chores - cooking, cleaning etc) and wants me to do all these things. She sees Ds like these actions and i really dont like to do them they all like punishments for me.. no plays in it... :(

so as a married man , who thought it would be fun and perfect with a wife who knews BDSM. right now i am so confused..

do you think it is normal?

i know most of you would say go and speak with Her..
but it is not so easy.. i tried She said She is sorry and we pplayed some and second time She forgot again and dealed with Her business and i found myself to check Ds website etc.. :(((

maybe She is not really Domme and i thought She was.. i am unhappy..

help!

Post #: 1

RE: confused :( - 7/23/2012 11:19:36 PM

littlewonder

Posts: 15659
Status: offline

eerrr....quit being so selfish? Wash the dishes, do the cleaning, help her to relax, help her with her business such as run errands for her, ask her if you can do something, etc....and then, just maybe, just possibly she will not feel so stressed and like she has to do everything while you sit on your ass and whine that she's not getting your dick hard.

Sorry, had to be said.

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Post #: 2

RE: confused :( - 7/23/2012 11:20:26 PM

GreedyTop

Posts: 52100
Joined: 5/2/2007
From: Savannah, GA
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you said it much nicer than I was about to, LW LOL

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Post #: 3

RE: confused :( - 7/23/2012 11:38:13 PM

littlewonder

Posts: 15659
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must be my frustration coming out from today. lol

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Post #: 4

RE: confused :( - 7/23/2012 11:58:07 PM

graceadieu

Posts: 1518
Joined: 3/20/2008
From: Maryland
Status: offline

Yeah, seriously. He can't want to be dominated that bad if he's not willing to do some cleaning first to get it.

(in reply to littlewonder)

Post #: 5

RE: confused :( - 7/24/2012 12:01:16 AM

stellauk

Posts: 1360
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: clum

i am married..
and before our marriage we talked and experienced Ds with my wife.

Okay.

quote:

ORIGINAL: clum

i was the one who introduced Her Ds lifestyle. She liked the idea and we played and learned together. (roles are me sub and She as Domme)

Okay.

quote:

ORIGINAL: clum

after we got married one year passed i realized something and it makes me confused..

Okay.

quote:

ORIGINAL: clum

i think She is not Domminant She did all of these because of me.. and now She focused on Her business etc. and for a long time we are not having any Ds.

I don't really see the problem here. You introduced her to D/s, you wanted her to be a domme, right?

So you've got a domme.

Unless of course, what you're really trying to say here is that she isn't a domme by your definition, and also the D/s the way you define it isn't happening.

And you know what?

You think she isn't a domme. I think that you're not a submissive.

quote:

ORIGINAL: clum

If i a little bit force or remind about Ds She immediatly focus on Her things which She doesnt like to do at home (house chores - cooking, cleaning etc) and wants me to do all these things. She sees Ds like these actions and i really dont like to do them they all like punishments for me.. no plays in it... :(

Ah diddums. So you're unhappy that you have to do the household chores and things you don't enjoy, right?

quote:

ORIGINAL: clum

so as a married man , who thought it would be fun and perfect with a wife who knews BDSM. right now i am so confused..

So where did you get your ideas about D/s from? Porn sites? The kink ads on sites such as this?

And does a fat bloke in a red suit and a white beard (you know, the reindeer breeder) also clean your chimney at Christmas?

quote:

ORIGINAL: clum

do you think it is normal?

What? You've come onto a BDSM website looking for normalcy?

Or are you referring to the way you appear to have made a complete balls up of transforming your marriage into a D/s relationship?

No, I don't think it is normal. In fact I think it takes a genius degree of stupidity to achieve that.

quote:

ORIGINAL: clum

i know most of you would say go and speak with Her..
but it is not so easy.. i tried She said She is sorry and we pplayed some and second time She forgot again and dealed with Her business and i found myself to check Ds website etc.. :(((

maybe She is not really Domme and i thought She was.. i am unhappy..

Okay, this is 'generally' how things pan out in a typical relationship between a domme and a submissive male.

She - the dominant female - gets to call the shots and make the decisions and also develop the relationship the way she wants it.

You - the submissive male - have to actually submit (doh!) and do what she wants you to do, do things which please her (which I guess in your relationship means housework and cleaning), do as you're told, and generally accept that you're not the one calling the shots in the relationship.

At the moment you're being a BDSM paradox, or as many would say 'topping from the bottom' - you're claiming to be submissive but you want to be the one in control of the relationship.

Consider that part of being a submissive is doing the things you don't enjoy or wouldn't prefer to do.

If you thought that the D/s is just bedroom stuff then you might consider calling yourself a bottom and pack in the charade of being a submissive when you're not.

I think before you talk to your wife I think you need to sit down and have a good, long hard think about what you want and need from this relationship and what you are prepared to offer and do in return.

This isn't meant to be all about you. There's two people here, you and your wife.

There's meant to be what is known as give and take.

This is what D/s is really all about - and if you want to do the taking, you've got to be prepared to do a bit of giving in return.

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Post #: 6

RE: confused :( - 7/24/2012 12:05:38 AM

clum

Posts: 9
Joined: 1/7/2010
Status: offline

maybe i am not sub? i am switch?

i said confused because i can not find the answer...

(in reply to stellauk)

Post #: 7

RE: confused :( - 7/24/2012 12:36:28 AM

stellauk

Posts: 1360
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: clum

maybe i am not sub? i am switch?

i said confused because i can not find the answer...

Okay, so how about exploring first and working it out later? It can take time to work all this out, especially if it's new to you or you haven't had much experience.

ETA: It's okay, we all balls things up and get things wrong from time to time.

< Message edited by stellauk -- 7/24/2012 12:37:35 AM >

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Post #: 8

RE: confused :( - 7/24/2012 12:39:38 AM

ARIES83

Posts: 3648
Status: offline

I can relate to juggling work and a needy
sub, sometimes a Doms gotta be a miracle
worker...

Have you asked if there was anyway you
could help her with work? Be her personal
assistant or something?...

-ARIES

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(in reply to clum)

Post #: 9

RE: confused :( - 7/24/2012 12:41:12 AM

myker

Posts: 29
Joined: 8/13/2011
Status: offline

I would treasure the opportunity to serve a woman domestically, even to the degree of performing 100% of the chores.

Though, like most subs, I would eventually expect some D/s play in return. If this never happened, I'd grow unhappy too.

Would better communication prior to the onset of your marriage have prevented these problems?

(in reply to clum)

Post #: 10

RE: confused :( - 7/24/2012 2:31:00 AM

JanahX

Posts: 3443
Joined: 8/21/2010
Status: offline

It sounded like a game from the beginning. She was just acting a role and you were just acting a role - and she got bored with it. It obviously doesn't do anything for her. It most likely never did. She was never a Domme - just playing one. It doesn't sound like shes into role-playing - or if she was, shes not anymore.

Now youre resentful because she wants to real life Domme you outside the bedroom (chores -etc.) but not roll play -Domme you in the bedroom?

wtf? I guess I dont understand your situation. = Except bottom line is, the way I see it, is that shes losing interest in you - and her work is taking priority. Shit happens.

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Post #: 11

RE: confused :( - 7/24/2012 3:17:19 AM

AthenaSurrenders

Posts: 3582
Joined: 3/15/2012
Status: offline

- fast reply -

Possible that she isn't really into being a Domme. Possible that she IS, just not in the way you like.

I'm a sub that does all the housework and chores. He's the boss, so if that's what he wants, that's what I do. I don't see the big deal. Very few people enjoy doing housework, but it's part of being an adult. It's hard to say 'tell me what to do' and then pout when she tells you what to do. If you want to inspire her to give you more kink, then help her out with the tasks that she doesn't enjoy.

Yes, I'm going to say 'talk to her'. It sounds like you're a bottom, rather than a sub - you want to have some kinky play but not submit all the time. Tell her this. See if you can work out a compromise - perhaps you put dinner on the table every night and clean up, and in exchange she ties you up and makes fun of you once a week (or whatever it is you want).

Edited to add: this might not be her kink, and if it's not, putting on the act for someone can be hard work, even if you love them. If she's stressed over work and trying to get the housework done, and you keep reminding her that you haven't been indulged for a while, chances are that will put her off even more. It would cheese me off if you said 'boss me about, no, you're not doing it right!' I'd think 'what's in it for me?'. What is she into? If you indulge her sexual preferences, she might be more inclined to indulge yours.

< Message edited by AthenaSurrenders -- 7/24/2012 3:21:02 AM >

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Post #: 12

RE: confused :( - 7/24/2012 5:58:15 AM

DarkSteven

Posts: 28072
Joined: 5/2/2008
Status: offline

Dude, this has nothing to do with the lifestyle. You want more sex and play time, and she's stressed out.

Sit down with her and have a talk. Your wants are clear - see if you can get a session or two a week agreed upon. She obviously wants you to do the housework more - make her specify what you need to do, and how often.

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Post #: 13

RE: confused :( - 7/24/2012 6:15:38 AM

ChatteParfaitt

Posts: 6562
Joined: 3/22/2011
From: The t'aint of the Midwest -- Indiana
Status: offline

Dood, Stella gave you the answers. Read her post again VERY SLOWLY.

Part of being a sub is offering service to your dominant, and to me, it is a VERY important part.

Service = do the dishes, fetch a drink, match the fricking socks. If it's all punishment to you, this is b/c you do not have the proper mindset.

Stop watching BDSM porn and start reading up on what it means to be a submissive in a female led relationship.

< Message edited by ChatteParfaitt -- 7/24/2012 6:19:21 AM >

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Post #: 14

RE: confused :( - 7/24/2012 6:27:17 AM

AthenaSurrenders

Posts: 3582
Joined: 3/15/2012
Status: offline

I just wanted to add (still working on the assumption that you're a bottom):

If and when you do agree to some regular play sessions, for god's sake don't make it feel like hard work for her. No bossing her about or whinging or complaining that it doesn't go on long enough. If she wants to stop because she's not feeling it, be graceful about that. Let her try to dominate you in the ways that interest her rather than give her a script of what you want her to do to you. No criticism or objections unless she does something dangerous or beyond your limits. Then afterwards, when the sex is over, talk about what you enjoyed and what she enjoyed - still no criticizing or whining. The more she enjoys it, the more you will get, so patience is your friend here.

Make sure that not every time you have sex is about your kink, and make sure she is feeling support and affection from you no matter how much or little you are getting. If she feels like all you want is to get your rocks off, it'll only turn her off. I know it's frustrating when you want more and she wants less, but either you work really hard to find a happy compromise or accept you're sexually incompatible.

_____________________________

Being your slave, what should I do but tend
Upon the hours and times of your desire?

(in reply to ChatteParfaitt)

Post #: 15

RE: confused :( - 7/24/2012 6:40:11 AM

OsideGirl

Posts: 14441
Joined: 7/1/2005
From: United States
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: ChatteParfaitt

Dood, Stella gave you the answers. Read her post again VERY SLOWLY.

Part of being a sub is offering service to your dominant, and to me, it is a VERY important part.

Service = do the dishes, fetch a drink, match the fricking socks. If it's all punishment to you, this is b/c you do not have the proper mindset.

Stop watching BDSM porn and start reading up on what it means to be a submissive in a female led relationship.

I'm also going to add: It's easy to be submissive when it's things you like or want. When you get to the things you don't like or want to do.....that's when you're really submissive.

The bottom line here is that she's stressed out and you're thinking about your dick.

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Post #: 16

RE: confused :( - 7/24/2012 7:00:24 AM

kalikshama

Posts: 14805
Joined: 8/8/2010
Status: offline

Let's turn this around a bit. When I'm in a fulfilling D/s relationship, I like being a Domestic Goddess. In addition to cooking, I enjoy cleaning and picking up after him. However, if he stops being a D mentally and physically, picking his dirty socks off the floor becomes a chore rather than a pleasure. His inability to put things away starts pissing me off, rather than being cute.

So am ***I*** selfish and only thinking of my unused twat, or does this only apply to cocks?

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Post #: 17

RE: confused :( - 7/24/2012 7:23:45 AM

searching4mysir

Posts: 2757
Joined: 6/16/2011
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quote:

ORIGINAL: kalikshama

Let's turn this around a bit. When I'm in a fulfilling D/s relationship, I like being a Domestic Goddess. In addition to cooking, I enjoy cleaning and picking up after him. However, if he stops being a D mentally and physically, picking his dirty socks off the floor becomes a chore rather than a pleasure. His inability to put things away starts pissing me off, rather than being cute.

So am ***I*** selfish and only thinking of my unused twat, or does this only apply to cocks?

That depends....why did he stop being a D mentally and physically and is it only temporary? Are there particular stresses in the business he is running that is taking his time and attention away from you? Is his business about to be audited by the IRS? Are sales in the toilet? Are there layoffs going on at the office?

Master is a writer and has an internet radio show. He has deadlines and guests to book, etc.. I know that there are certain times when his focus HAS to be on his writing and his show and that I can't be a priority because for the time being business has to come first.

(in reply to kalikshama)

Post #: 18

RE: confused :( - 7/24/2012 7:34:26 AM

kalikshama

Posts: 14805
Joined: 8/8/2010
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No, no, no, no, no. no. Nothing changed at work or anywhere else.

clum - do you two have children, especially new ones?

< Message edited by kalikshama -- 7/24/2012 7:35:28 AM >

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Post #: 19

RE: confused :( - 7/24/2012 7:35:10 AM

OsideGirl

Posts: 14441
Joined: 7/1/2005
From: United States
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: searching4mysir

quote:

ORIGINAL: kalikshama

Let's turn this around a bit. When I'm in a fulfilling D/s relationship, I like being a Domestic Goddess. In addition to cooking, I enjoy cleaning and picking up after him. However, if he stops being a D mentally and physically, picking his dirty socks off the floor becomes a chore rather than a pleasure. His inability to put things away starts pissing me off, rather than being cute.

So am ***I*** selfish and only thinking of my unused twat, or does this only apply to cocks?

That depends....why did he stop being a D mentally and physically and is it only temporary? Are there particular stresses in the business he is running that is taking his time and attention away from you? Is his business about to be audited by the IRS? Are sales in the toilet? Are there layoffs going on at the office?

Master is a writer and has an internet radio show. He has deadlines and guests to book, etc.. I know that there are certain times when his focus HAS to be on his writing and his show and that I can't be a priority because for the time being business has to come first.

I agree with this. There are times when Master's focus is elsewhere out of necessity. That focus is beneficial to both of us. Now, add to it when the OP pushes his wife to engage in D/s she requests that he do the household chores (which would alleviate some of the stress from her) and his response is that he doesn't like that service because "there's no play in it".

The reality is that I know if he's massively busy and stressed, the best way to be able to get some of his Tallness' attention is to make sure that everything is done so that he'll have some free time to not worry about the trivial stuff.

_____________________________

Give a girl the right shoes and she will conquer the world. ~ Marilyn Monroe

The Accelerated Velocity of Terminological Inexactitude

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Post #: 20

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