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RE: confused :( - 7/24/2012 12:18:22 PM

Ishtarr

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quote:

ORIGINAL: ChatteParfaitt

But you know, most married men don't even do 20 or 30% of the housework. She might just be trying to get him to do his share.

I am basing my responses on the OP's posts which seem overly cock-centric, whiny, and immature.

If you're reading him correctly and the "punishment" housework she's making him do is his fair share of the joint tasks he totally needs to man up, take responsibility and shut the fuck up.
He needs to do his share without being told by her to do so. Not because it makes him feel submissive, but because it's just his responsibility.

If he wants her to "kinkify" housework for him and make it erotic for him to do it, he better make sure that he's doing plenty of extra housework and serving to her in exchange for the trouble she's putting in for him.

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Post #: 41

RE: confused :( - 7/24/2012 12:28:07 PM

Ishtarr

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quote:

ORIGINAL: OsideGirl

This is my interpretation of his post:

Him: Honey, I want to be submissive.

Her: Okay, do the dishes.

Him: I don't want to do the dishes. That's not D/s, there's no play in that!

And that may totally be what's going on, in which case he needs to quit whining and be more clear in his communications/expectations about what it is precisely that he wants from her.

However, I've known a lot of situations, especially when one partner is trying to fill a dominant role that doesn't come naturally to them, where it goes like this instead:

s-type: I want a BDSM relationship in which I'm dominated and told what to do in ways that make me happy and fulfill me.

D-type: Okay, here's a list of rules, expectations, and chores I have for you. That I expect you to flawlessly obey and follow, without any input or effort on my part.

s-type: I'm not feeling very happy/submissive/fulfilled because I do not feeling dominated by you.

D-type: You're not a TWUE submissive/slave/label!

D/s is an interaction where both parties feed of each other's energy and headspace. Just issuing commands that are convenient to you doesn't equal dominating somebody. Just making somebody do chores doesn't equal dominating somebody. Just expecting somebody from their own accord to follow a list of rules doesn't equal dominating somebody.

All those things have a place within a D/s dynamic, if that is what's the D wants... but that doesn't excuse the D from actually creating a dominant energy that the s-type's submissive energy can interact with.

< Message edited by Ishtarr -- 7/24/2012 12:29:12 PM >

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Post #: 42

RE: confused :( - 7/24/2012 1:01:13 PM

AthenaSurrenders

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I got the impression that she as telling him to do household chores in response to him asking for her to dominate him more, rather than it being the ongoing expectation:

quote:

If i a little bit force or remind about Ds She immediatly focus on Her things which She doesnt like to do at home (house chores - cooking, cleaning etc) and wants me to do all these things. She sees Ds like these actions and i really dont like to do them they all like punishments for me.. no plays in it... :(

So either - she understands D/s to mean service submission and he doesn't want to do that, just the kink
or
she's trying to tell him that he needs to help her out in this way in exchange for the kink he wants
or
She's not really interested in domming him at all, so when he asks her for it she gives him those tasks either to distract him or put him off.

Don't get me wrong, I do think both parties should have their needs met as much as possible, but it sounds like neither are. Yes if she really is expecting him to do all of the housework as part of his sub duties he should be getting something he finds enjoyable too. On the other hand, the OP does sound whiny in his approach and I can't help but wonder if he's not doing his share to start with and just expecting her to put out. However I don't think English is the OP's first language - maybe something is lost in translation here?

Either way, they both need to sit down like grown ups and discuss their needs because I can't help but think that no one is getting what they want here.

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Post #: 43

RE: confused :( - 7/24/2012 7:54:07 PM

GreedyTop

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*agrees with AS*

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Post #: 44

RE: confused :( - 7/24/2012 8:59:10 PM

littlewonder

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quote:

ORIGINAL: ARIES83

quote:

ORIGINAL: searching4mysir

quote:

ORIGINAL: littlewonder

How many women have children or high powered jobs and then have to come home an cook, clean, do the shopping, take care of the house and then by the end of the day they're exhausted and the last thing they want is their husband bugging them for sex. By then she's looking at her husband and thinking....you do nothing to help but yet you expect to get what you want???? It doesn't work like that guys...not talking all....just a majority so please no one say "all men are like that".
Help out and you'll find a reward in the end.

QFT

It's a hard life for some :(
I know everyones situation is diffrent, but for
the housewife types (male or female) who's Dom
is the breadwinner all I have to say is poor baby...
Im a tradesman, my job is hard work. When I
come home I need A drink, some kind of sex, a
shower, some lounge time and cooked food...
not nesseccary in that order!
Sure cleaning the house, washing clothes, ect sucks
but I am super clear from the start, if I have to do
it won't get done because im to tired from work, and
I want it done, so guess what!
and besides, if theres love and excitement in a
relationship does going to work or doing the household
chores really matter.

-ARIES

* Whats QFT mean?

And what if she works just as much as you plus has a child to care for plus has to come home and do all the work herself and you still want her to take care of you?
You don't think she's eventually going to look at you and say "fuck off, I'm outta here!"?
And yes in most relationships it actually does matter who does what chores because if it isn't agreed to then the chores don't get done which leads to anger between the two fighting over who is going to do what which will end up tearing the relationship apart.
Do most men think that women never get tired too and needs a drink, a bath drawn, etc...just like a man when she's worked a full hard day's work too, plus took care of the children plus took care of her man? I dunno about other women but being a single mom meaning I have to now play both parents and having to work full time to bring enough income in for us to live a decent life, when I got home and took care of my child, the only thing I wanted to do was have a drink and fall asleep. There is no way in hell I would have been able to handle a Dom in my life at that time who did nothing to help out. I have a feeling I would have bit my tongue for awhile but eventually I would have just walked out.

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Post #: 45

RE: confused :( - 7/24/2012 9:38:52 PM

FrostedFlake

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Clum.

I'm just going to take a swing at this.

You do realize that SOMEONE is going to Have to wash the dishes? And do ALL of the other household chores too. And you do realize that you want certain special favors from your Lady? And that they ARE favors? And that it's a very old, outdated notion to suppose that marrying someone means you're the boss. And, too, that this notion clashes PRECISELY with the stated objective, a femdom relationship?

If you don't, simply read that last paragraph again. Otherwise, what the fuck is your problem?

Ahem. Pardon the vigorous language.

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Post #: 46

RE: confused :( - 7/24/2012 11:29:07 PM

ARIES83

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quote:

:ARIES
the housewife types (male or female) who's Dom
is the breadwinner all I have to say is poor baby...

Wasn't talking about a working couple.
It's gunna ve pretty hard to work as hard
as me though ;(

-ARIES

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Post #: 47

RE: confused :( - 7/25/2012 12:19:55 AM

JanahX

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quote:

ORIGINAL: FrostedFlake

Otherwise, what the fuck is your problem?

Ahem. Pardon the vigorous language.

He thinks with his dick - a common one unfortunately.

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Post #: 48

RE: confused :( - 7/25/2012 12:38:56 AM

gungadin09

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quote:

ORIGINAL: clum
i know most of you would say go and speak with Her..

I'm afraid that's exactly what I'm going to say.

quote:

...but it is not so easy.. i tried She said She is sorry and we pplayed some and second time She forgot again and dealed with Her business and i found myself to check Ds website etc.. :(((

It sounds like she partially agrees with you. It also sounds like yours is not so much a D/s relationship as kinky sex now and again. There's nothing wrong with that. If your sexual needs are not being met, talk to your wife.

quote:

...maybe She is not really Domme and i thought She was.. i am unhappy..

It sounds like she's not measuring up to your perfect ideal of what a Domme should be. It also sounds like you're not even trying to see things from her point of view. I would talk to her, but before I did that I would do some heavy thinking about what my priorities were, and what I was willing to do to make my marriage work.

Pam

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Post #: 49

RE: confused :( - 7/25/2012 6:14:25 AM

kalikshama

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quote:

luckly we dont have kids yet..
i can not imagine if we would..
no chance for Ds i assume.?

Clum - I see you are in Iran. I imagine your options for finding dominant women are very limited there, so I suggest you stop watching porn and do whatever it takes to make your relationship with your wife work.

How many hours per day do you work outside the house and how many does she?

This won't change my advice, but may change my sympathy level.

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Post #: 50

RE: confused :( - 7/25/2012 6:21:04 AM

kalikshama

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quote:

However, I've known a lot of situations, especially when one partner is trying to fill a dominant role that doesn't come naturally to them, where it goes like this instead:

s-type: I want a BDSM relationship in which I'm dominated and told what to do in ways that make me happy and fulfill me.

D-type: Okay, here's a list of rules, expectations, and chores I have for you. That I expect you to flawlessly obey and follow, without any input or effort on my part.

s-type: I'm not feeling very happy/submissive/fulfilled because I do not feeling dominated by you.

D-type: You're not a TWUE submissive/slave/label!

You've just described some friends of mine

She doesn't mind cleaning - she just wants him to take the time to instruct her to do it in heels and a collar, and perhaps anal beads. That's fun - otherwise it's just a chore.

quote:

D/s is an interaction where both parties feed of each other's energy and headspace. Just issuing commands that are convenient to you doesn't equal dominating somebody. Just making somebody do chores doesn't equal dominating somebody. Just expecting somebody from their own accord to follow a list of rules doesn't equal dominating somebody.

All those things have a place within a D/s dynamic, if that is what's the D wants... but that doesn't excuse the D from actually creating a dominant energy that the s-type's submissive energy can interact with.

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Post #: 51

RE: confused :( - 7/25/2012 6:23:45 AM

kalikshama

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quote:

But if she consistently expects him to be in a submissive headspace without her providing a dominant headspace energy for him to "feed off" then he's more than right to be unhappy and complain that him being stuck with her half of the work feels like a punishment.

Yes, that's the point I was trying to make earlier - thanks!

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Post #: 52