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Damned if you do and damned if you don't. - 7/27/2012 1:08:53 PM

MstrPBK

Posts: 573
Joined: 1/2/2008
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There is the 50 percent of the time you have the slave who wants to see some temperament of the Master on their first visit; then you have the second 50 percent who just want to meet to visit. I keep finding my self being called to strong of a Master and then being called not real enough of a Master after these visits - I seem not to be able to win.

This last time the gentleman said he had experience with other plants but not Hosta (which was going to be worked on). So I gave him as much experience I could during the visit handling the Hosta; as a sign of trust (aren't slaves supposed to do the work??). He had also made indication of his current limits prior his visit and so I also took time to re-test his inferred limits that he had spoke about before (inside),

In this case I was calked to strong. How do the rest of you handle this balancing act of the first meeting? No mater how I do it I seem t loose.

MstrPBK
St. Paul, MN USA

Post #: 1

RE: Damned if you do and damned if you don't. - 7/27/2012 1:12:31 PM

littlewonder

Posts: 15659
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We just looked at each other as two human beings getting to know one another...not as Dom, not as slave, just as two people who thought we might have enough in common and a spark to maybe be more than just a date.

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Post #: 2

RE: Damned if you do and damned if you don't. - 7/27/2012 1:23:12 PM

Hillwilliam

Posts: 19394
Joined: 8/27/2008
Status: offline

Ive seen the same thing MstrPBK
My first meets are always vanilla (unless its at a munch which if done right is pretty damn vanilla). I insist on it. There are too many crazy people out there who would love nothing more than to scream 'abuse'. I'm not perfect but I'm pretty good at spotting crazy.

I think one of the main problems is there are too many people who 'learned' about WIITWD online. Doms are 'supposed' to do certain things and if you dont fit that preconcieved notion, you're not "Weal and Twue". I learned about this stuff before the internet. I had kinky friends as far back as the late 70's and things just developed from there in fits and starts.

Learning about BDSM from the internet is kinda like learning martial arts from watching Bruse Lee flicks.
You can see what the idea is about but if that's all you've ever done and you call me out, I'll still kick your ass even though I'm on the wrong side of 50.
Unfortunately, a huge percentage of people on this site got their start that way and in a lot of cases, that's all they ever had.
I think some of the latter are actually afraid to learn in RL and they use whatever they can grasp as an excuse. The fantasy is awesome but when the reality is looking them in the eye and shaking their hand, they realize that they arent "Weal and Twue" subs LOL.

ED for typo

< Message edited by Hillwilliam -- 7/27/2012 1:41:38 PM >

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Post #: 3

RE: Damned if you do and damned if you don't. - 7/27/2012 1:31:58 PM

OsideGirl

Posts: 14442
Joined: 7/1/2005
From: United States
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Hillwilliam

I think one of the main problems is there are too many people who 'learned' about WIITWD online. Doms are 'supposed' to do certain thengs and if you dont fit that preconcieved notion, you're not "Weal and Twue".

Master once said to me that he had no interest in the women that wanted the guy who chest thumped and was domineering at the first meeting. He thought that it didn't bode when for realistic expectations for the relationship.

_____________________________

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(in reply to Hillwilliam)

Post #: 4

RE: Damned if you do and damned if you don't. - 7/27/2012 1:35:01 PM

ChatteParfaitt

Posts: 6562
Joined: 3/22/2011
From: The t'aint of the Midwest -- Indiana
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Hillwilliam

Ive seen the same thing MstrPBK
My first meets are always vanilla (unless its at a munch which if done right is pretty damn vanilla). I insist on it. There are too many crazy people out there who would love nothing more than to scream 'abuse'. I'm not perfect but I'm pretty good at spotting crazy.

I think one of the main problems is there are too many people who 'learned' about WIITWD online. Doms are 'supposed' to do certain thengs and if you dont fit that preconcieved notion, you're not "Weal and Twue". I learned about this stuff before the internet. I had kinky friends as far back as the late 70's and things just developed from there in fits and starts.

Learning about BDSM from the internet is kinda like learning martial arts from watching Bruse Lee flicks.
You can see what the idea is about but if that's all you've ever done and you call me out, I'll still kick your ass even though I'm on the wrong side of 50.
Unfortunately, a huge percentage of people on this site got their start that way and in a lot of cases, that's all they ever had.
I think some of the latter are actually afraid to learn in RL and they use whatever they can grasp as an excuse. The fantasy is awesome but when the reality is looking them in the eye and shaking their hand, they realize that they arent "Weal and Twue" subs LOL.

I use several things to weed people out.

First, I ask them to review my forum posts and come up with a topic that appeals to them. This lets me know many things: How they think, how they communicate, are they willing to put in a small amount of time and effort? (it's surprising how many are not willing, considering the supposed lack of male s-types).

Second: The first meet is at a munch or other vanilla meeting place, although I prefer a munch. It tells me the person is serious, as they are willing to get out in public with like minded people.

Third: I invest minimal time and conversation in someone who has not done the first a/o is not working on the second.

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RE: Damned if you do and damned if you don't. - 7/27/2012 1:50:36 PM

JeffBC

Posts: 5799
Joined: 2/12/2012
From: Canada
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: MstrPBK
In this case I was calked to strong. How do the rest of you handle this balancing act of the first meeting? No mater how I do it I seem t loose.

In my own world I don't think of first meetings as something to be won or lost. I see it more like a scientist viewing an experiment... all outcomes are good outcomes. The goal of the first meeting is only to find out if there's to be a second meeting or not.

Specifically how someone responds to my "dominance" is going to be just that... how they respond. For some I'm going to be too lax. For others I'm going to be too stern. For others yet I'm going to be missing the boat entirely. I'm sure that for at least a few the lack of black leather slacks would be my undoing. For a small number I'll be "just right". But however someone responds I don't have anything else to sell other than myself. There won't be any "more dominance" on the 2nd date or the 10th year together. Whatever they see on the first meeting is what there is. If that doesn't work for them then we obviously aren't a compatible couple.

_____________________________

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officially a member of the K Crowd

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Post #: 6

RE: Damned if you do and damned if you don't. - 7/27/2012 2:26:03 PM

LadyPact

Posts: 32566
Status: offline

I do My first meets at munches, always. Due to My personal situation, I make it very clear that I am interested in the kink/authority aspect first. I generally am more laid back at the munch because it's a BDSM group, not a leather group. However, people knowing that I'm leather give them a bit more of an idea of what they can expect. There may not be big signs of it in public, but there are definitely those things that are quite common for lower protocol. It's also a good way for Me to introduce the topic of My feelings about what I would expect in kink only environments and see if there is a compatibility there. It gives the other person a chance to see the different angles.

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Post #: 7

RE: Damned if you do and damned if you don't. - 7/27/2012 2:30:07 PM

kalikshama

Posts: 14805
Joined: 8/8/2010
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I don't understand the connection between your first paragraph and your second. As written, I get the impression that he was doing gardening for you in a slave role in his first visit. If that's correct, yes, that expectation of him was too much and you bear the responsibility for creating that situation.

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RE: Damned if you do and damned if you don't. - 7/27/2012 2:34:28 PM

DaddySatyr

Posts: 9381
Joined: 8/29/2011
From: Pittston, Pennsyltucky
Status: offline

I don't engage in a "balancing act" (your words). I don't engage in any act.

I am who I am and most people are going to dislike that and a precious few (with some taste and principles) are going to love me.

I prefer not to waste my time "sucking up to" the former.

Peace and comfort,

Michael

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Post #: 9

RE: Damned if you do and damned if you don't. - 7/27/2012 3:03:57 PM

lizi

Posts: 4673
Joined: 2/1/2009
Status: offline

Why not just set out to be yourself and don't stress over what level of Mastery to project? Whoever is attracted to who you genuinely are, and find your style 'just right' like Goldilocks, are the ones that will be happy with you in the long run. I don't really see the use of trying to find the magic formula that is going to net you every slave that comes your way.

Who really cares if random people don't find you a perfect fit? Let them have their delusions of the stern Master or the kind one, why does their having expectations mean you have to meet them? Why do you even want to meet them? The whole idea of looking for a partner is to find the one who fits us, not to morph into whatever someone else wants, and push away our own personalities. It seems rather like a continual losing game to try to figure out what someone wants to see, and then attempt to fit that role.

(in reply to MstrPBK)

Post #: 10

RE: Damned if you do and damned if you don't. - 7/27/2012 3:36:23 PM

SlipSlidingAway

Posts: 223
Joined: 11/24/2006
Status: offline

I find the language of your post confusing. Not entirely sure about the hosta limits and testing them, but if you say so...

To me, the person and the 'master' are one in the same. You can't really separate one from the other. However, on a first meet, he's certainly not ~my~ master, so I'm pretty darn sure it's not up to me to be working in his garden taking care of his plants (or insert any other service oriented chore here).

"(aren't slaves supposed to do the work??)"

Nope. Not unless the slave belongs to you or is in some form of power exchange with you at that point. Unless, of course, you both agreed to it before time OR he offered to help out of the goodness of his heart or his desire to be pleasing and/or of service. The point is, it's not his responsibility to do anything for you on a first meeting.

(in reply to MstrPBK)

Post #: 11

RE: Damned if you do and damned if you don't. - 7/27/2012 3:56:20 PM

LookieNoNookie

Posts: 12216
Joined: 8/9/2008
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: MstrPBK

There is the 50 percent of the time you have the slave who wants to see some temperament of the Master on their first visit; then you have the second 50 percent who just want to meet to visit. I keep finding my self being called to (too) strong of a Master and then being called not real enough of a Master after these visits - I seem not to be able to win.

This last time the gentleman said he had experience with other plants but not Hosta (which was going to be worked on). So I gave him as much experience I could during the visit handling the Hosta; as a sign of trust (aren't slaves supposed to do the work??). He had also made indication of his current limits prior his visit and so I also took time to re-test his inferred limits that he had spoke about before (inside),

In this case I was calked to strong. How do the rest of you handle this balancing act of the first meeting? No mater how I do it I seem t loose.

MstrPBK
St. Paul, MN USA

Well....if you're calked....you're calked.

That's all there is.

(in reply to MstrPBK)

Post #: 12

RE: Damned if you do and damned if you don't. - 7/27/2012 6:02:52 PM

LaTigresse

Posts: 26123
Joined: 1/15/2006
Status: offline

I am in the camp of, I guess I don't get it.

On first meeting it's a level playing field in my mind. I am me. I don't put on any sort of facade or try to be anything other than who I am. If they cannot handle me being me, then they are not for me....pretty fucking simple.

I sure as HELL wouldn't be dragging them off to my house, to transplant hosta, upon first meet!

Sounds to me like you just wanted a free gardener.

Maybe you should forget the M/s shit and quit being so cheap, hire a gardner or get down off your masterly pedestal and do your own gardening.

_____________________________

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Just because you are well educated, articulate, and can use big, fancy words, properly........does not mean you are right!

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Post #: 13

RE: Damned if you do and damned if you don't. - 7/27/2012 6:05:43 PM

CRYPTICLXVI

Posts: 3907
Status: offline

I am not a twue anything. Still, I don't balance shit, nor can juggle. Those I have gotten to know, I have gotten to know... if there is any connection, then it continues and if there isn't well... I suppose if your approach works for you, then great but it seems that it might not be, considering your post. In that case, then I would suggest approach potential "slaves" as people, getting to know them, et al... but if you are as your meets present you, then stay true to that and just consider that you are weeding out all the non-compliant dweebs out.

Don't worry, they aren't twue slaves anyway.

(in reply to LookieNoNookie)

Post #: 14

RE: Damned if you do and damned if you don't. - 7/27/2012 6:13:59 PM

LadyHibiscus

Posts: 27124
Joined: 8/15/2005
From: Island Of Misfit Toys
Status: offline

I have absolutely had men blow me off for not being dominant enough right out of the gate. And that's okay. I am a dominant woman, but I am not in a d/s relationship with anyone on the first date.

I am MYSELF, all the time. I don't have any 'best behavior', I don't transform the second I get a whip in my hand, I don't have any personality changes. If they don't like ME, they won't want to be in a d/s relationship with me, either.

No, we can't win against someone's preconceived notions.

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[page 23 girl]

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RE: Damned if you do and damned if you don't. - 7/27/2012 6:18:47 PM

CRYPTICLXVI

Posts: 3907
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyHibiscus
No, we can't win against someone's preconceived notions.

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Post #: 16

RE: Damned if you do and damned if you don't. - 7/27/2012 6:21:11 PM

LadyHibiscus

Posts: 27124
Joined: 8/15/2005
From: Island Of Misfit Toys
Status: offline

BLOOM COUNTY SQUEEEE!

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[page 23 girl]

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Post #: 17

RE: Damned if you do and damned if you don't. - 7/27/2012 6:25:54 PM

LaTigresse

Posts: 26123
Joined: 1/15/2006
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyHibiscus

BLOOM COUNTY SQUEEEE!

I second that!

_____________________________

My twisted, self deprecating, sense of humour, finds alot to laugh about, in your lack of one!

Just because you are well educated, articulate, and can use big, fancy words, properly........does not mean you are right!

(in reply to LadyHibiscus)

Post #: 18

RE: Damned if you do and damned if you don't. - 7/27/2012 6:51:44 PM

MalcolmNathaniel

Posts: 1394
Joined: 9/20/2010
Status: offline

On the first meet, unless it has been negotiated beforehand, she (or he - didn't read your profile) does not belong to you yet.

It is not appropriate to show of your domly chops in that situation.

Unless you are dealing with a 50 Shades reader and have enough money to buy her silence if (when) you scare her off.

(in reply to MstrPBK)

Post #: 19

RE: Damned if you do and damned if you don't. - 7/27/2012 11:14:36 PM

samdarella

Posts: 222
Joined: 8/23/2010
Status: offline

Damn sometimes I wish I was dominant so I could get free gardening and housework.

To me, if a guy tries to show how domly he is, he will never dominate me. It has to flow naturally.

No slaves aren't supposed to do all the work. As Master's slave I think I have the easy job. All I have to do is please Him. Its a power exchange. But it certainly wasn't on the first meet. We had a vanilla date that lasted 3 days. Well maybe it wasn't completely vanilla. But He wasn't trying to show me how much a master He is. We both were just completely ourselves and had a blast. Then when we knew we had things in common and were compatible as friends we moved on to some bdsm next meet (which lasted 5 days) Neither tried to prove anything. And we had a blast. More compatibility. More vanilla stuff too. The M/s dynamic works well for us. But we are living it in our everyday lives Not just playing at it.

While we didn't go about things the safest way by meeting at a munch, we had already discussed our likes, dislikes and points of view on all kinds of topics including bdsm and power exchanges before we even discussed meeting. Then we took a chance. Both of us are damned glad we did.

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Pain is....

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