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LadyConstanze -> RE: Difference between dominant and sadist (7/30/2012 3:43:29 AM)
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quote:
ORIGINAL: Ullrmann
quote:
ORIGINAL: searching4mysir
For me, the worst punishment in the world is the look in his eyes when I know I've displeased him and his withdrawal of affection.
searching4mysir: this question is a general one to the board. I have no criticism of the dynamic in your relationship or other relationships following the same model.
Is the consensus around here that withdrawal of affection (aka emotional abuse) as a punishment is ok, yet corporal punishment (aka physical abuse) is not a proper form of punishment?
I am having trouble identifying any consistency in the popular dogma around here. Am I understanding correctly that I can inflict pain as long as it is part of a S&M play dynamic, but not as part of a punishment dynamic? If the pain inflicted is the same in both cases, then the difference is simply the thoughts behind the actions which matters. Does that mean I am committing thought crimes?
I am NOT talking about a case where the dominant has no clue what to do other than physical violence - that is reckless and not in control. However, the idiot dominant keeps getting conflated with skilled, in-control dominants using healthy punishment dynamics in their D/s relationships. That's where I fail to understand how it is any less healthy than punishing through removal of affection - my wife always knows she is loved and her place in my heart is secure. Surely I'm missing something.
What you are missing is the understanding, nobody tells you how to run your dynamic, I said for ME (which means my dynamic) it would not work if I would need to punish to be in control, I would find any kind of relationship that works on the basis of fear unsatisfactory, somebody who wants to be in a relationship with me should be WANT to be in this relationship and should want to make it work. As a sadist, I tend to attract masochists, so physical punishment in a lot of cases would be "funishment" for them and defeat the purpose. I'm also very low protocol but that doesn't mean that orders aren't orders. So somebody flaunting orders will be sat down, I explain that I am not willing to tolerate it, chances are they are getting a task to research some BDSM dynamics and to write an essay about it, while they are having time out to think about it, and I make clear that if their mission is to flaunt orders to see how far they can push it, we're simply not well suited, it would be a waste of both of our time, energy and emotional resources and it's better to break it off. Somebody approaching me and telling me if they do this or that wrong they expect to be punished with x amount of lashes, my answer would be "Thank you, but no thank you" - just not my dynamic and I would suspect that they will do things wrong to get "punished" or can only function out of fear, bad vibes for me, I prefer to not invite negativity into my life.
In an SM relationship, things are different, we are equals unless we're in a scene, there is no need for punishment and there is not a lot of D/s involved, we meet because s/he likes the pain and I like inflicting it, the BDSM equivalent of "friends with benefits", when it comes to D/s, we are equals UNTIL we enter that relationship and before that happens the other part knows exactly what to expect and what I expect. Now if I can only run that relationship with fear of punishment, that would be such a failure and a drainage for me, not worth it. In case a relationship doesn't work, it's better to quit it and give both parties a chance to find something that suits them better instead of emotionally blocking and draining them.
In case a time out and giving the person a chance to think about if they really want to be in this relationship is emotional abuse for you, all I can say is "whatever" because that's not how my relationships work, they work with a choice - I don't think giving somebody a choice is even remotely emotional abuse. If you and your wife are happy the way your relationship works, more power to you, that it might not work for others doesn't matter because they're not in it.
As an example, LP runs her relationships completely different and on a much higher protocol, I really have no issue with it because it works for her, it wouldn't work for me, just like my approach wouldn't work for her, but it's all good because we aren't running each others relationship and when it comes to safety, we're usually in perfect agreement. BDSM relationships have different dynamics and YMMV.
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