RE: Lacking a Self (Full Version)

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LadyHibiscus -> RE: Lacking a Self (7/31/2012 5:36:39 PM)

I agree that the 'anger turned inward' line has never rung true.

Also...my meds do a lot to curb my aggression. Let's just say that's a good thing. I never thought of tying my sadism into that, but it's an interesting idea.




Aswad -> RE: Lacking a Self (7/31/2012 6:13:23 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: Duskypearls

Would you care to flesh this out a bit for me?


I'd love to.

All I can recall off the top of my head is this, though:

Essentially, a mutation causes childhood abuse to be handled differently in those with the mutation. Instead of passively accepting defeat, they keep on going, which is just as detrimental to the end outcome, but apparently confers a survival advatage in some situations. Being unable to shut down when pushed past the breaking point has a high probability of causing a psychotic break in adults, so I'm inclined to assume it's not beneficial in kids, either, particularly on a long-term ongoing basis.

Caveat: I may be mixing up different papers in my head, as I recall reading something similar about the Maori, where one in three possess a mutation of the genes coding for the MAO-A enzyme, resulting in more violent behavior after childhood abuse, presumably by the same mechanism.

IWYW,
— Aswad.

Edited to fix a missing paragraph break.




Duskypearls -> RE: Lacking a Self (7/31/2012 6:20:07 PM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: Aswad

quote:

ORIGINAL: Duskypearls

Would you care to flesh this out a bit for me?


I'd love to.

All I can recall off the top of my head is this, though:

Essentially, a mutation causes childhood abuse to be handled differently in those with the mutation. Instead of passively accepting defeat, they keep on going, which is just as detrimental to the end outcome, but apparently confers a survival advatage in some situations. Being unable to shut down when pushed past the breaking point has a high probability of causing a psychotic break in adults, so I'm inclined to assume it's not beneficial in kids, either, particularly on a long-term ongoing basis.

Caveat: I may be mixing up different papers in my head, as I recall reading something similar about the Maori, where one in three possess a mutation of the genes coding for the MAO-A enzyme, resulting in more violent behavior after childhood abuse, presumably by the same mechanism.

IWYW,
— Aswad.

Edited to fix a missing paragraph break.



Fascinating, thank you. Have you any clue where one might look for this information?




littlewonder -> RE: Lacking a Self (7/31/2012 7:09:31 PM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyHibiscus

I agree that the 'anger turned inward' line has never rung true.

Also...my meds do a lot to curb my aggression. Let's just say that's a good thing. I never thought of tying my sadism into that, but it's an interesting idea.



Same here. I've never quite understood that since I don't have any anger about much of anything at all...maybe a little rant from time to time about some ass who just made my day a little inconvenient lol, but anger? Nah. My depression never feels like any kind of anger towards myself or anyone else. I just don't have that anger. Mine is just very low and dark, void of light.




NuevaVida -> RE: Lacking a Self (7/31/2012 9:39:30 PM)

~ Fast Reply ~

Interesting discussion. There was a time I felt as the OP described. I lived that way for a very long time. I was clinically depressed and I actually DO agree with what sexyred1 said about anger turned inward. I very much agree, as that was my own experience. I just didn't figure that out until I made some radical changes in my life and perspective (and also through therapy).

I was depressed, angry (at the world and at myself), had very little self worth, was extremely insecure and did not like myself at all.

It took some very serious life crisis' - several happening at the same time - which resulted in a break down, which led me to make a decision. I realized I was going to very easily turn into a bitter old woman, and I did not want to do that. Having been suicidally inclined most of my life, I didn't want to do that, either.

That was several years ago. I worked very hard to change my perspective, and I'm not the same person I was then. I found happiness and I relish in it. I keep a positive perspective. I came to love myself - suicide doesn't even enter my mind anymore, so yes, it really *can* leave you. I don't live "for myself" or "for others." I live for the greater good. When I'm angry, I know exactly why I'm angry (and if I don't, I figure it out). When in times of great stress, I know the source of it and what to do about it. When happy, I know if it's real or contrived. And so on.

There's still work to do on myself - there always will be. But I am far removed from where I used to be. My depression, anger, and "lack of self" is in the past.

My upbringing and all the crap that happened in the past is in the past. While I've used it to shape who I am today, I am no longer negatively affected by it. Moving forward really is a possibility.




Aswad -> RE: Lacking a Self (8/1/2012 3:55:37 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: Duskypearls

Fascinating, thank you. Have you any clue where one might look for this information?


I looked up the Maori bit, at least, which I wasn't remembering accurately, or perhaps I picked it up from poor sources.

Long story short, the Maori are a red herring used to feed the media to get publicity for a study.

On to what was intended to be brief when I started...

In Caucasian Americans, about two in three carry a high activity gene variant that reduces the risk of aggressive, antisocial and violent behavior in males that have been subjected to abuse and neglect during childhood. This gene variant has no effect in African Americans. The gene, in all its variants, codes for subtype A of the enzyme Monoamine Oxidase, which is responsible for breaking down neurotransmitters. Specifically, that subtype preferentially breaks down serotonin, melatonin and norepinephrine. A different gene codes for subtype B of the same enzyme. That subtype preferentially breaks down dopamine and phenetylamine, but also breaks down norepinephrine. Both types play a small part in breaking down histamine, and a significant role in breaking down tyramine and other exogenous amines.

Monoamine oxidase inhibitors, which reduce the activity of either or both subtypes of that enzyme, are the most potent class of antidepressants that are legal for general use. Due to several pages worth of interactions and significant dietary restrictions, they are usually reserved for inpatients and those outpatients that have failed to respond to anything else. In this otherwise 'hopeless' population, about four out of five will achieve lasting remission on the first inhibitor tried, and significant improvement is generally seen in a matter of days. However, they cost more, and if you ignore the interactions and restrictions, you face a distinct possibility of myocardial infarction, cerebral hemorrhage, extreme fever, convulsions and death. In our litigatious era, you can see where this caveat might pose a problem for widespread use. Treated with respect, though, these drugs are remarkably safe, most having a proven track record of decades, and some of the new ones carry few to no dietary restrictions. There are several on the market, which vary in their secondary effects, accounting for the difference in response (tranylcypromine is more energizing, phenelzine is more sedating, isocarbaxozid is fairly neutral, selegiline is mild).

In summary, we have a pretty good idea that brain minus monoamine oxidase equals brain minus depression, most of the time.

Unfortunately, depression has some functions. One of those functions is to make sure that people that are abused and/or neglected over an extended period of time, such as throughout childhood, do not take it upon themselves to decide to lash out. Learning that the supposedly best people in the world- your caregivers- will make you suffer intolerably without rhyme or reason tends to cause you to assume the rest of the world either don't give a shit or are just as bad. This almost invariably leads to social dysfunctions of one sort or the other. When depression isn't an option, that dysfunction tends to be of a sort that is detrimental to society at large, and bolstered by a metric fuckton of anger, bitterness and so forth.

This adaptation, we call being antisocial, and we have selected against it for a long time, unfortunately not by sterilizing parents that abuse or neglect their kids. Caucasians have apparently been selecting harder against it, indicating either a greater prevalence of parental abuse and neglect, or less opportunity for antisocial people to live without coming into conflict with society, or lower tolerance for such conflicts. Since the Maōri people have a greater prevalence of parental abuse and neglect, it stands to reason that can't be the sole factor in selection in Caucasians if the small sample tested are genetically representative of the rest of the population.

Studies are unclear on the causal relationships involved as regards depression, but that is to be expected in the absence of a large study that corrects for environment factors, seperates by gender, and confines itself to Caucasians, where we know the gene has a direct influence. The presence of a genetic resillience factor in a portion of the population does not seem unlikely, nor that it might account for both positive and negative deviation from the norm. The data is simply inadequate for a firm conclusion.

Women respond differently to abuse and neglect, but most of the studies I saw when skimming were specifically studies of men, which fits the prevalent pattern of assuming men are a priori more relevant with regards to violence (which, admittedly, we are if you exclude violence directed at children; the shifting gender roles are changing this, however, most notably in domestic violence and violence under the influence of drugs).

Thus I cannot say anything conclusive about the effect on women, but what LaT and LH said earlier about not having the luxury of breaking down does seem to indicate a variation from the norm that is reasonably consistent with what I posited as the mechanism involved with this gene. Their shared sense of contempt for normative individuals' response to stress and trauma is arguably a mild antisocial trait, which is somewhat interesting. Given what is known about differences in impulse control, social sensitivity and risk management in the genders, it is not unlikely that a woman would express things differently than a man when equipped with the same genes and background, which makes me curious about the possibility of a tie-in with sadism.

I should at this point say something to LaT and LH: I adore you both, just as you are. Don't bite my head(s) off. [:D]

When I found myself reorganizing things under subheadings during the edit, I pared things down to a bare minimum (cough) and will round off here with a note that Google and Wikipedia will undoubtedly furnish you with a near endless amount of information related to the subject(s). If you're fine with reading technical articles, PubMed, PLoS, Cochrane, etc. are probably going to provide a number of scholarly papers that will be a far better and more accurate source of information than my grab bag of trivia and ruminations about same.

In any case, I hope this has provided a starting point and some keywords to help with searching.

I wish you well,
— Aswad.





mons -> RE: Lacking a Self (8/1/2012 5:47:48 AM)

I find that my twin and I had to believe in one another!

My father was a nut case one thing he did was to say "we have too many
puppies!

So He made my mother and all six children stand at the top of the stairs
and he place 6 new born puppies in a bucket of water and drop each one in!

I was 3 to 4 years old and I can just cry why did he have to be so crazy!

He had lol Nazi sex camp pain somehing a book I did not know how to read but he
did not hide them ever, and my smart mother locked his assl out of the bedroom and bar the door
I find that so funny!

Oh the things he did to animals hurt the most I see a therapist these memory are coming
back way to fast!

Yes what a life!

I made sure my children never watched murder moives , and I never hit them!

thank for listening
mons




happylittlepet -> RE: Lacking a Self (8/1/2012 1:08:36 PM)

Response to no one in particular.

This is a very insightful book: The Drama of the Gifted Child; the Search for the True Self, by Alice Miller.

If you Google it, it is available online, in pdf format.





Duskypearls -> RE: Lacking a Self (8/1/2012 1:17:29 PM)

A big thanks to you, Aswad, for furnishing your last post.




fucktoyprincess -> RE: Lacking a Self (8/1/2012 2:01:12 PM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: Duskypearls

I was not suggesting, but asking, if any thought there was a correlation between lack of self and depression.

Do you define your strong sense of self as that of being positive or negative nature? In other words, have you a positive or negative sense of self? Do you like yourself, think yourself valuable and worthy, etc.?


I would say that my sense of self is a positive one. To be honest, it hadn't occurred to me that one could have a strong sense of self that was negative in nature. Would that be an ego-maniac type personality? Or someone who felt very strongly that they were a bad person?

Okay, regardless, my sense of self is positive. I certainly view myself as "valuable" and "worthy", with the realistic appreciation for the fact that these are all subjective terms. I am also quite aware that not everyone in my life sees me as "valuable" and "worthy" in the same way - i.e., I am more valuable and worthy to certain people in my life (e.g. loved ones) than to others (my lawyer - well, I guess I am "valuable" as a client, but you know what I mean). By making this distinction, I'm just trying to say that I certainly don't go through life thinking that I am "valuable" and "worthy" to everyone, and that therefore, everyone on the planet should treat me as "valuable" and "worthy" (which strikes me as vain/egocentric/etc.)

As for liking myself. Yes. I like myself. I would date me, so to speak.....[:)]




doctorgrey -> RE: Lacking a Self (8/3/2012 4:40:43 PM)

That reminds me, I need to put some selves up.
There is nowhere to put anything here!

DrG




Rule -> RE: Lacking a Self (8/3/2012 5:44:20 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: CynthiaWVirginia
I cannot really think of it as depression, cuz I went through depression during my several bouts with cancer. I will try to explain it better though...I felt nothing, "all the time". The problem wasn't the lack of lows, or depression, it was the lack of any happy thoughts. Joy in life. I functioned very well, but never went through any typical teenager stages of defiance and all that. I never needed a scolding nor to be punished. Could this possibly be labeled as depression?

Perhaps your condition is more accurately described as Melancholy?




FullCircle -> RE: Lacking a Self (8/3/2012 6:04:32 PM)

Been using the Thesaurus to diagnose people again have you rule?




gungadin09 -> RE: Lacking a Self (8/3/2012 6:42:22 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: CynthiaWVirginia
I cannot really think of it as depression, cuz I went through depression during my several bouts with cancer. I will try to explain it better though...I felt nothing, "all the time". The problem wasn't the lack of lows, or depression, it was the lack of any happy thoughts. Joy in life. I functioned very well, but never went through any typical teenager stages of defiance and all that. I never needed a scolding nor to be punished. Could this possibly be labeled as depression?


Anhedonia- the inability to experience pleasure from activities usually found enjoyable.

http://www.en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Anhedonia

Pam




hlen5 -> RE: Lacking a Self (8/3/2012 7:30:59 PM)

2 Things -

The "anger" thing resonates with me

and there are some pretty f-ing brave people posting here.




CynthiaWVirginia -> RE: Lacking a Self (8/3/2012 8:17:24 PM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: Aswad

Essentially, a mutation causes childhood abuse to be handled differently in those with the mutation. Instead of passively accepting defeat, they keep on going, which is just as detrimental to the end outcome, but apparently confers a survival advatage in some situations. Being unable to shut down when pushed past the breaking point has a high probability of causing a psychotic break in adults, so I'm inclined to assume it's not beneficial in kids, either, particularly on a long-term ongoing basis.


OoO!

Guess what? I handled it by going into shut down mode...my sister didn't.

I have never had a psychotic breakdown, but my sister has had two that required being locked up until they got her meds right.




CynthiaWVirginia -> RE: Lacking a Self (8/3/2012 8:32:08 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: Rule

quote:

ORIGINAL: CynthiaWVirginia
I cannot really think of it as depression, cuz I went through depression during my several bouts with cancer. I will try to explain it better though...I felt nothing, "all the time". The problem wasn't the lack of lows, or depression, it was the lack of any happy thoughts. Joy in life. I functioned very well, but never went through any typical teenager stages of defiance and all that. I never needed a scolding nor to be punished. Could this possibly be labeled as depression?

Perhaps your condition is more accurately described as Melancholy?


Hm...during several years I was a robot. Feeling nothing at all. The only thing that could break through it was some physical pain, and I remember feeling wonderment about that. It was a relief to feel SOMETHING.

I was away from my father. The abuse had stopped, and only emotional neglect remained in place. I didn't feel...melancholy...until a friend from one of my paper routes died. She was in her 80s and I hadn't realized how much I need her quiet, calm, "there-ness" until she was gone. Pandora's box opened then, and I had to deal with more than I could handle for several years afterward.

Melancholy is feeling a little bit sad all the time, right? My dictionary is upstairs and I am too lazy to run up there to check. Any feeling at all would have been something of a relief, even if it was grief or depression. I can handle depression, even if it lasts for years, as I have coping mechanisms for that. But for feeling nothing at all, like some robot, I have...nothing. Good thing this seldom happens anymore. That year while Carin was dying (a few years ago) it would have been nice to go into zombie mode from time to time, same thing for the year or so after her death.

*****
To Pam...thank you. I went to that link and read what it said. Glad they have a name for it, though they didn't point blank mention PTSD, part of it said the same difference, that it can be a reaction to trauma.

*****
To mons...about the puppies...it sounds like your dad and my dad would have been best buddies. I won't mention what my dad used to do to animals while he forced me to watch, to "toughen me up".

Poor little puppies. It was a very sad thing for a child to have to go through and I'm sorry your dad made all of you watch.




chemeli -> RE: Lacking a Self (8/25/2012 9:10:13 PM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyHibiscus

I'm glad I was motivating! :)

Actually I have a very strong sense of myself, and that's been reinforced through some pretty serious traumas. Much of that self was "invented", or self created. I have always been an edge person, the misfit, the one chosen last. Other people were like an alien species, and I spent a lot of time observing them, and mentally taking careful notes. I still do!

I had a lot of suicidal ideation a long time ago, and I think that once you are suicidal, that really never leaves you. Now, I am in no danger of suicide. I understand that it's not an option for me. Still, I need to invent reasons to keep going. I have my parents, and Jeddie parrot, and my business to take me through the next little while. My life stopped feeling important to me...well, pretty much when I went on the meds. :/ but it's important to my parents, and that's enough.

I've been depressed my whole life, but that really wasn't a thing recognized in kids back in the day, especially when they're the smartest one in the class. I wanted so badly to be someone else...so, I became someone else. I read a lot, and when I found a character in a book I admired, I worked on attaining whatever quality I admired in that person.

Now that every personality trait rates its own diagnosis, I sometimes wonder if I had some other thing happening. Doubt it. I am too empathic to be on the autism sprectrum, no matter how much light and sound bug me. No dissociation or psychotic breaks, though I did have a mental construct to kick myself along during rough patches. (Not a very helpful entity, mainly I was told stuff like "well, THAT was ill advised")

I'm rambling now, sorry... back laters with more thinky thougt!



[:(] relating so much to this.......




chemeli -> RE: Lacking a Self (8/25/2012 9:19:04 PM)

wondered ( and still am wondering sometimes ) about maybe being light autism, often withdrawing into myself, having a hard time communicating with others etc, i dont think it can help with therapy as it's something within myself/personality (maybe my brain), the only thing that helps me is enjoying simple pleasures in life and trying to not be too hard on myself.....it's tough :)




MariaB -> RE: Lacking a Self (8/26/2012 3:45:41 AM)

I have read through this entire thread and I think you guys are amazing. I couldn't open up like you have but I was able to relate with a lot of what has been said. I just wanted to say that I was touched, saddened and with some posts relieved that I'm not the only one. Thank you




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