sheisreeds
Posts: 578
Joined: 7/8/2008
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I used to have a lack of self, but that is not a problem for me anymore. I am going to answer these questions with how I was until five years ago, and then talk about who I have been for the past 4 years, and how I got there.
quote:
ORIGINAL: Duskypearls
Of any who feel this may be the case for them, do you find there may be a correlation between it and depression?
For me it was a history of clinical depression and a history of trauma. I dealt with severe clinical depression from age 15 (year diagnosed) until I was 25. I also had a diagnosis history of post traumatic stress disorder heavy with dissociative traits. I did not have any memory of my life before I was 10 until I was 17, and what I do remember feels foreign and are either reconstructive narrative through flashbacks and family, or are vivid and regained through rexperience. I was completely screwed for years, and had an application for social security income right next to my FAFSA and grad school application.
For years I could only be with permission. I would feel intense shame exhibiting personality traits, interests or thoughts of mine unless I had consent to from other people. I wasn't quite the selfless type. However, I spent all my time on other people, or figuring out how to destroy myself.
I still did things for myself, but it was secretive or shameful unless other people enjoyed it or got something from it. If on just one or two occasions if I tried to be funny and people didn't laugh, I would stop trying to be funny altogether.
If I participated in a group, I likely was a major volunteer in it as well. I felt like I had to give vast amounts of time in order to earn my place.
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For those feeling/believing they are in this way, to whatever degree, have you any clue why it is you are so?
My life experiences and history of depression left me with no positive sense of self. I was worthless, and the best I could hope for was that if I gave enough I would not be in the way. I did not view myself as having many positive traits, and I did not view myself as having an inherit value, only value was what I could give.
Also, depression made most things in life impossible to enjoy. So there was little impetus for me to seek out my own joy.
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Have you managed to change or improve upon this? If so, how?
I like to think I have completely reversed it!
I began to realize that I was only as powerless as I allowed myself to be. Essentially the lightbuib sparked on that everything I thought about myself, everything I felt about myself, and everything I did in my life was a choice.
I realized I was as strong as I wanted to needed to be.
I realized that by virtue of surviving my demons I was already stronger than them.
That my terror, my fear, my sense of self worth, my shame were all in essence optical illusions, fun house mirrors, and ghost stories to keep me in my place. None of that shit was real, or at least it wasn't anymore. It might still feel real, but I could withstand that so long as I believed that I could.
That last point is very important because making healthier decisions about myself unleashed all my demons. I dealt with crippling flashbacks, incredible guilt, and to get where I needed to be I had to upend everything in my life. I left my marriage, left two jobs, left two organizations I had been involved with for over 3 years, fired tons of friends, learned to support myself, and live for myself. I also fired all my mental health professionals. I stopped listening to advice and caring about other people's opinions.
In all that I also had to learn to survive my own tears. I had to learn to survive the torrent of emotions that had been held at bay for years. I had to learn that these same feelings that had caused me so much pain, were are the source of my essence and desire.
I'll close out with the four paragraphs I wrote that changed my entire life. They are from an essay I wrote about processing my guilt from my divorce.
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Absolution - a formal release from guilt
That's the formal definition, I know I just looked it up, and I've got to say that I agree with it. The question is who is going to provide me that formal release.
No one person can do it, no one will ever know me well enough, human communication is so incredibly flawed. No group of people can collectively do it either. It can't be found in an object. It can't be gained through faith. Really the only thing that I could find that could ever possibly provide me with that kind of absolution was me.
Me, who has such a deep and painful history with guilt. I, who give myself the blame for everything. Who, even feels guilty about the selfishness of guilt itself. Guilt which has reached such epic proportions that it has split my mind, split my life, in the vain hope of managing its own growth.
Really the only thing I have to feel guilty for, is my feelings of guilt. That's the only thing that comes even close to being solely my blame. Which really does make it my mess to clean up, mine and solely mine.
_____________________________
~ s.
Oh my darling, give me reason
give me something to believe in
You need a spankin' baby!
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