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D/s Dynamic.... How do you explain it ? - 7/31/2012 6:32:08 AM

UKEvolutionary

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I found out the other day when I was trying to put into writing, that explaining the dynamics of a D/s relationship was far harder than anticipated. How would you explain to a non-participant that D/s is symbiotic in nature, How do you put into writing that submissives need pushing, need that discipline. Please help as I am getting so frustrated trying to explain that discipline is NOT just abuse nor is it masochism. How would you put it into words so that a vanilla person could understand ?

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RE: D/s Dynamic.... How do you explain it ? - 7/31/2012 6:33:26 AM

littlewonder

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a traditional relationship

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RE: D/s Dynamic.... How do you explain it ? - 7/31/2012 6:36:59 AM

LillyBoPeep

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Well first - the usual caveats - not every submissive needs pushing and routine disciplinne. What do you meann by discipline? Like "maintenance spankings" or corrections dependig on the moment?

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RE: D/s Dynamic.... How do you explain it ? - 7/31/2012 6:37:54 AM

kalikshama

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Yay, Lilly's back!

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RE: D/s Dynamic.... How do you explain it ? - 7/31/2012 6:42:37 AM

myotherself

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I would describe it as one of those relationships where one of the couple is clearly in charge and the other is happy to take a back seat. Only more so.

My sister wears the pants in her relationship, my mother did in hers. Master wears the pants in our relationship. And he hits me for fun, but that's a whole other concept

(and welcome back Lilly!

)

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RE: D/s Dynamic.... How do you explain it ? - 7/31/2012 6:44:52 AM

LillyBoPeep

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Howdy kaliksshama and myotherself ^.^ nice to see you guys

That's a great description, myo - it's an intentional power imbalances that is mutually beneficial

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RE: D/s Dynamic.... How do you explain it ? - 7/31/2012 6:45:56 AM

LaTigresse

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quote:

ORIGINAL: kalikshama

Yay, Lilly's back!

I second this.

As for the OP.......in all seriousness, no it is not a 'traditional relationship'. My version of D/s, and M/s, is far from 'traditional'.

I think we each can only explain what it is to US. In the simplest, clearest possible way. I've discovered that people really, quite often, don't actually want to know. Usually it's something like "Well, I am the bossy one and he/she just does what he/she is told!". Add a wink and a laugh and it's all good.

If they want more about the power exchange part, I tend to use the concept of "Some people are leaders and some people prefer to be led.".

Now, if it's about the actual kink.......I tend to also gauge exactly how much they reeeeeeeeeaaaaaaaaallllllllllyyyyyyyy want to know. You have to feel out your audience to know how best to explain. Most people really don't want to know the full, detailed, story.

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RE: D/s Dynamic.... How do you explain it ? - 7/31/2012 6:53:26 AM

RemoteUser

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If you wanted to keep it basic (we could throw poly and other fun stuff in there, but that's more for evil giggles, and not for the newly-inducted vanilla): D/s can be summed up as two people who share compatible interests. For some people that's golf or literature, for others, it's sexual drive.

The Dominant aspect wants to control, the submissive wants to be controlled.

How that balances out is like anything else; sometimes it's "fair" and sometimes it's not. It depends on what those two people want, and how they meet each other's interests. (Fair is also subjective. Throw inaccurately-defined feminism in there and of course it's going to get messy.)

The bottom line is that when two people meet each other's wants and needs from either side of the dynamic, it's a relationship, and like littlewonder said, traditional at that point.

I think fairness will be the biggest hurdle. People will ask why someone would want to be controlled, or state that controlling someone is abuse. It is not. While it vastly oversimplifies and doesn't do the dynamic justice, the best thing a vanilla could relate to is the parent/child dynamic, where rules have to be enforced for the sake of everyone. The parent wants what's best for the child, and enforces rules to make it so as they see fit. The child needs guidance and benefits from this enforcement.

If that's too Oedipal, go with teacher/student. Try to avoid militant authority figure enactment unless the person you're talking to is a fan of the police, or government. There are numerous parallels you could use; take your audience into consideration and pander a little. The key is to get the idea across to them in a way they will appreciate, after all.

Best of luck with this.

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RE: D/s Dynamic.... How do you explain it ? - 7/31/2012 6:56:05 AM

LillyBoPeep

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Howdy howdy, LaT :)

I agree, to me, it's not "traditional" - tradition was done "just because" - based on ideas about gender roles. D/s is intentional and conscious.

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RE: D/s Dynamic.... How do you explain it ? - 7/31/2012 7:01:08 AM

LillyoftheVally

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quote:

ORIGINAL: UKEvolutionary

I found out the other day when I was trying to put into writing, that explaining the dynamics of a D/s relationship was far harder than anticipated. How would you explain to a non-participant that D/s is symbiotic in nature, How do you put into writing that submissives need pushing, need that discipline. Please help as I am getting so frustrated trying to explain that discipline is NOT just abuse nor is it masochism. How would you put it into words so that a vanilla person could understand ?

Who's dynamic are you explaining? Because its different, I don't think submissives 'need' any of the things you have said. So you need to think how do you describe 'your' relationships because thats what you are trying to do. Also would be helpful to know why you need to explain this in the first instance, the motive changes the way to need to talk to people, but surely you know that based on other life experiences?

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RE: D/s Dynamic.... How do you explain it ? - 7/31/2012 7:16:23 AM

UKEvolutionary

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I was trying to explain D/s dynamics for a good friend of mine who just asked Me what it was all about and then it got on to spanking, caning, the usual things that a lot of vanilla's think about, and how come it's "allowed". I suppose because it's a good friend that I wanted to try and explain it to him so that he could understand.

Thank's for the input that some have given, I especially like the Parent / child and Student / teacher analogies that works for Me but ALL of the contributions are greatfully received.

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RE: D/s Dynamic.... How do you explain it ? - 7/31/2012 7:26:36 AM

GreedyTop

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Not every d/s relationship involves spanking/caning/etc.

some couples are strictly about the power exchange (male or female led, with one holding the power and the other submitting to that power).

some folks incorporate both aspects.

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RE: D/s Dynamic.... How do you explain it ? - 7/31/2012 7:50:07 AM

DesFIP

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Don't use any of the buzz words.

Be a lot simpler, start at the beginning. Which is that some people don't want to have the total responsibility in their hands. There's a reason not everyone wants to be the CEO. Some people prefer to come home and leave the job behind them.

Relationships take work too. And not everyone wants to hold that much responsibility for making the right decision for the relationship either.

About pushing subs, not all of us want that so I certainly wouldn't say that's universal. Because if the person you're explaining things to doesn't enjoy that, then you'll just confuse them even worse.

I'm assuming that the person you are trying to explain this to is someone you view as a potential sub for you. If so, I'd just give her websites and book titles and allow her to decide for herself if she's interested or not.

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RE: D/s Dynamic.... How do you explain it ? - 7/31/2012 7:52:30 AM

crazyml

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Be careful not to claim to know the definition of "The D/s Dynamic"... emphasise that you're talking about Your definition

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RE: D/s Dynamic.... How do you explain it ? - 7/31/2012 8:03:00 AM

ChatteParfaitt

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I think the very first thing you have to explain is that all D/s relationships are different. The exact nature of the power imbalance is very dependent on the couple involved.

Really, I think you would be far better off explain how a power exchange works and how a power imbalance works in very generic terms.

As soon as you get into discipline or aspects of S & M, you are going a bit off topic. Some D/s relationships do not involve any of that.

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RE: D/s Dynamic.... How do you explain it ? - 7/31/2012 8:09:22 AM

DesFIP

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And sensation play does not have to have anything to do with authority transfer.
Some people use it with d/s because they enjoy it.

As far as how to explain sensation play, compare it to spicy food. Some people enjoy food so spicy their eyes water. Same thing but with the sense of touch, not taste. As far as why you bring it into your d/s relationship, because you enjoy doing so.

Just as your friend's wife may listen to a play by play description of his golf game even though she dislikes the game herself, she does this for him because she loves him. In exactly the same way the sub will put up with stuff she dislikes because she enjoys making the dom happy.

In return, of course, he does stuff for her that she enjoys but he doesn't. Which could be stopping at yard sales or anything else. The intent is more important than the action.

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RE: D/s Dynamic.... How do you explain it ? - 7/31/2012 8:19:44 AM

Whenready

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Without re writing "War and Peace", how do you write down the dynamics of any relationship?

When I do talk (or chat online) about D/s, it's always about MY dynamic. I try to point out that my way is not the only way, and that 2 different ways can both be right, since we are all different.

Sometimes I will point my correspondent towards a dutch website I know which, for me, has a very simple introduction to the thinking behind a version of D/s that ties in with my way of thinking. It doesn't tell people how to do activity x, but it does pose the question "Have you ever wondered....?" Sometimes I will ask "Have you never wanted to do something to please someone?" and take it from there. Personally, I find a conversation easire than an essay.

Last but not least I keep saying "If in doubt, ask, and clarify" and "the only stupid question is the one you don't ask". Oh, and time. Lots of time...

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RE: D/s Dynamic.... How do you explain it ? - 7/31/2012 8:52:55 AM

Whiplashsmile4

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I hate to say it, but D/s dynamics vary.

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RE: D/s Dynamic.... How do you explain it ? - 7/31/2012 8:57:28 AM

RumpusParable

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quote:

ORIGINAL: UKEvolutionary

I found out the other day when I was trying to put into writing, that explaining the dynamics of a D/s relationship was far harder than anticipated. How would you explain to a non-participant that D/s is symbiotic in nature, How do you put into writing that submissives need pushing, need that discipline. Please help as I am getting so frustrated trying to explain that discipline is NOT just abuse nor is it masochism. How would you put it into words so that a vanilla person could understand ?

I like being in charge, they like me being in charge.

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RE: D/s Dynamic.... How do you explain it ? - 7/31/2012 9:07:43 AM

GreedyTop

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From: Savannah, GA
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quote:

ORIGINAL: GreedyTop

Not every d/s relationship involves spanking/caning/etc.

some couples are strictly about the power exchange (male or female led, with one holding the power and the other submitting to that power).

some folks incorporate both aspects.

I think this bears repeating.

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polysnortatious
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