first questions

Collarspace Discussion Forums

Home Login Search

first questions

View related threads: (in this forum | in all forums)

Logged in as: Guest

All Forums >> [Community Discussions] >> General BDSM Discussion >> first questions

Page: [1] 2 next > >>

Login

Message

<< Older Topic Newer Topic >>

first questions - 7/31/2012 12:40:00 PM

chemeli

Posts: 335
Joined: 7/30/2012
Status: offline

Hello, i'm not sure if i should put this question here or on the Dom forum, but here it goes.

I'm never sure exactly about the ways to sell myself to a potential Dominate. Should i answer to *all* of his questions (that would show that i'm willing to cooperate)? I'm always afraid that if i dont tell enough about me, or if i'm too afraid to tell or maybe shy to tell, that would show for the other that maybe i'm not serious enough. Sure, confidence has to be built, and that depends on both parties, but what is the limit? For instance, Is telling what we like sexually too much for a first conversation or is it a solid base to begin to know our affinities?

thanks!

Post #: 1

RE: first questions - 7/31/2012 12:57:25 PM

CRYPTICLXVI

Posts: 3907
Status: offline

Be yourself, what do you do when you meet anyone? Also, what are you looking for? Play partner, then yes, sexual limits, likes will be part of the conversation. Relationship, then probably not... in my own personal experience, you start out to get to know the other person, are there enough common interests, beliefs, etc... to build a relationship?

It honestly depends on what you are seeking.

Also, I am not certain how to tell you this, but just because you are submissive or they are dominant doesn't mean shit in the initial meeting, I know there are certain interactions which may be more "protocol" based but for the most part, a lot of what you "owe" anyone in any initial meeting is fantasy.

I only tell people what I am willing for them to know, if I am getting to know someone that I am interested in, I will tell them more... but just because someone is submissive, that doesn't mean they would be someone I would want to be involved with. Just like they may be submissive or a masochist but that doesn't mean I will mean shit to them.

Relax, get to know who you are and try not to feel overwhelmed.

(in reply to chemeli)

Post #: 2

RE: first questions - 7/31/2012 12:58:02 PM

Lucifyre

Posts: 1067
Joined: 3/27/2012
Status: offline

Treat your potential DominANT (not ate) like you would any other potential relationship and answer whatever questions you feel comfortable answering.

Lucifyre

_____________________________

"Batteries? OMG, Bitch Please! My Shit plugs in!"
I do this because it fucking feels good.
I like girls who like girls
The thing about standards is: There are SO many to choose from.

(in reply to chemeli)

Post #: 3

RE: first questions - 7/31/2012 1:01:36 PM

VideoAdminTheta

Posts: 3967
Joined: 10/24/2009
Status: offline

Thank you for being kind and assisting the OP with the dominate and dominant correction. When English isn't a first language it can be confusing on a forum where English is more common.

(in reply to Lucifyre)

Post #: 4

RE: first questions - 7/31/2012 1:08:04 PM

LillyoftheVally

Posts: 1826
Joined: 7/22/2009
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: chemeli

Hello, i'm not sure if i should put this question here or on the Dom forum, but here it goes.

I'm never sure exactly about the ways to sell myself to a potential Dominate. Should i answer to *all* of his questions (that would show that i'm willing to cooperate)? I'm always afraid that if i dont tell enough about me, or if i'm too afraid to tell or maybe shy to tell, that would show for the other that maybe i'm not serious enough. Sure, confidence has to be built, and that depends on both parties, but what is the limit? For instance, Is telling what we like sexually too much for a first conversation or is it a solid base to begin to know our affinities?

thanks!

There are no hard and fast rules here, you just have to be comfortable. At the end of the day if this is a pontential relationship you need to feel comfortable and able to talk to them, if they say you are not serious enough then they probably are not the right person for you anyways. Take your time, and do not be afriad to say that you are feeling uncomfortable. Good Luck.

_____________________________

'My doctor says that I have a malformed public-duty gland and a natural deficiency in moral fibre, and that I am therefore excused from saving Universes.'

Nah I am not happy to see you either

(in reply to chemeli)

Post #: 5

RE: first questions - 7/31/2012 1:11:05 PM

CRYPTICLXVI

Posts: 3907
Status: offline

Oh... and beware of anyone who say a "true submissive" does anything.

For that, I call Bullshit. The most intriguing, interesting, rewarding submissives I have known have all been intelligent, creative, opinionated, outspoken, insightful and tend to have a certain self-awareness and spiritual awareness. Just my own opinion, but like any relationship, why would I want someone that I couldn't respect or who I would find boring?

(in reply to LillyoftheVally)

Post #: 6

RE: first questions - 7/31/2012 1:13:30 PM

lizi

Posts: 4673
Joined: 2/1/2009
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: chemeli

Hello, i'm not sure if i should put this question here or on the Dom forum, but here it goes.

I'm never sure exactly about the ways to sell myself to a potential Dominate. Should i answer to *all* of his questions (that would show that i'm willing to cooperate)? I'm always afraid that if i dont tell enough about me, or if i'm too afraid to tell or maybe shy to tell, that would show for the other that maybe i'm not serious enough. Sure, confidence has to be built, and that depends on both parties, but what is the limit? For instance, Is telling what we like sexually too much for a first conversation or is it a solid base to begin to know our affinities?

thanks!

Answer those questions you are comfortable with, you are under no obligation to do more. You set your boundaries and you stick with them. Taking responsibility for yourself to share what is appropriate to you does not = you not being serious, to the contrary, it says you are very serious and have put in thought and action to this part of your life.

When I was looking and if I were to be looking now, I would NEVER share sexual information in an early conversation. It's just like any other way you meet a man, picture saying hello at the grocery store or a party- would you tell him then that you like to be spanked when you orgasm? Take out the kink, this type of relationship is just like any other that you have, do the things that you have always done in the order, and time span, that you have always thought was appropriate. This is no different.

Of course you will be under some pressure by some people to overshare, because they will want to hear all about your sexual life, if it's something you've decided not to share then you are under no obligation to do so. You might even hear that as a submissive you are "supposed to" do certain things. It's crap. There are no rules, you do what you choose.

You don't have to sell yourself. Just be you, the same as always when you meet a potential date. Follow the same guidelines. There are no rules that you have to follow. Keep your head screwed on straight and take responsibility for projecting exactly what you wish. Just an FYI, there are many more men on this site than women, you will be able to pick and choose, especially as a young woman. Don't settle for anything or be bullied into sharing/doing more than you wish. If you want someone near by and with certain characteristics, then hold out for that until he shows up and don't take the long distance Dominant who tries to push you into something online.
Good luck!

(in reply to chemeli)

Post #: 7

RE: first questions - 7/31/2012 1:21:58 PM

chemeli

Posts: 335
Joined: 7/30/2012
Status: offline

Thank you all for taking my post seriously, it means a lot. You gave me food for thought, i really appreciate it.

I really look forward to find out where i fit in all this. I have an idea about it , and i'll start with that.

To be continued....;)

(in reply to lizi)

Post #: 8

RE: first questions - 7/31/2012 1:24:14 PM

OsideGirl

Posts: 14441
Joined: 7/1/2005
From: United States
Status: offline

Personally, I never discussed my sexual preferences with strangers. It's something I refused to do until we had met and I had decided that I liked them enough to possibly have sex with them.

Part two of this is: If they only want to discuss sex or kink, it's probably all they're interested in.

_____________________________

Give a girl the right shoes and she will conquer the world. ~ Marilyn Monroe

The Accelerated Velocity of Terminological Inexactitude

(in reply to lizi)

Post #: 9

RE: first questions - 7/31/2012 1:27:41 PM

TNDommeK

Posts: 7153
Joined: 3/13/2010
Status: offline

Every time Theta comments I always think we are in twouble. lol *points to Cryptic* "He did it" :)

OP, So many people try to force a difference onto Dominants like they aren't human first. Just be you. He is a person first, his dominance is just a part of his nature. If you feel comfy answering, then go for it. If not, tell him. He should respect that. I would be cautious of anyone asking to see you naked on cam or saying you are not a real true submissive if you don't. Go with your gut feeling. I find that in some instances, women see what they want( as do men sometimes). So make sure you are looking at the whole overall picture of this guy and make sure he is what fits your criteria as well. Good luck.

_____________________________

Goddess of Duck Lips and Luxurious Hair
The working Fin Domme
Professional con artist, swindler, trixster, extortionist

Our snark-nado needs more cowbell

(in reply to lizi)

Post #: 10

RE: first questions - 7/31/2012 1:30:21 PM

topcat

Posts: 1675
Joined: 1/31/2004
From: Tidewater, VA
Status: offline

I'd say your best gambit is to reply with "I am not comfortable answering that, this early on..."

His reaction will tell you a lot about him- if he pushes for it, he's likely not a good prospect.

If he seems to think it reasonable, and continues in another vein, he's likely a good prospect.

If he seems to think it reasonable, and continues in another vein, but later you find yourself answering the question without having realized he asked it again, he's very good, indeed.

_____________________________

-there is no remission without blood-

(in reply to lizi)

Post #: 11

RE: first questions - 7/31/2012 1:34:07 PM

ChatteParfaitt

Posts: 6562
Joined: 3/22/2011
From: The t'aint of the Midwest -- Indiana
Status: offline

Welcome to the discussion side of CM, chemeli.

You've gotten some great answers so far; I recommend each and every one highly.

_____________________________

(in reply to chemeli)

Post #: 12

RE: first questions - 7/31/2012 1:38:20 PM

DarkSteven

Posts: 28072
Joined: 5/2/2008
Status: offline

First off, I assume that you're referring to RL relationships only. The rules are different for online, and I don't know them.

Usually, since I'm a straight male Dom, if I talk with a straight female sub, I assume we'll be 90% or more compatible in the bedroom, and it's just the vanilla compatibility I need to check.

That said, if I ask a question, I expect an answer, even if it's that you don't feel comfortable with that question yet. I will ask questions that are pretty personal even though they're not explicitly sexual, such as what drives you to be a submissive, what qualities in a man will make you feel submissive, etc. As well as why you chose your career, and other vanilla questions.

_____________________________

"You women....

The small-breasted ones want larger breasts. The large-breasted ones want smaller ones. The straight-haired ones curl their hair, and the curly-haired ones straighten theirs...

Quit fretting. We men love you."

(in reply to TNDommeK)

Post #: 13

RE: first questions - 7/31/2012 2:00:26 PM

DesFIP

Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline

It's easy enough to put one sentence into your profile telling what you like and dislike the most. If that doesn't give them enough info, and they want details sexually, then I'd assume that's all they're interested in you for.

Which is fine is you're just looking for a fuck buddy also.

If you're more interested in finding sufficient compatibility for a long term relationship, then only talk to people who want to know all about you, not just your ability to deep throat. Relationship skills are the same, vanilla or kinky, make sure you both have them.

_____________________________

Slave to laundry

Cynical and proud of it!

(in reply to DarkSteven)

Post #: 14

RE: first questions - 7/31/2012 2:04:04 PM

angelikaJ

Posts: 8641
Joined: 6/22/2007
Status: offline

The potential dominant is only as potential as you ane he agree.
I would not rush too fast into trying to prove myself worthy, so you answer the questions you feel comfortable with answering.

Before you begin to jump through too many hoops, you need to make certain that he is worthy too.

_____________________________

The original home of the caffeinated psychotic hair pixies.
(as deemed by He who owns me)

http://www.collarchat.com/m_3234821/tm.htm

30 fluffy points!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mQjuCQd01sg

(in reply to chemeli)

Post #: 15

RE: first questions - 7/31/2012 3:02:50 PM

kalikshama

Posts: 14805
Joined: 8/8/2010
Status: offline

quote:

Part two of this is: If they only want to discuss sex or kink, it's probably all they're interested in.

_____________________________

Curious about the "Sluts Vote" avatars? See http://www.collarchat.com/m_4133036/mpage_1/key_/tm.htm#4133036

(in reply to OsideGirl)

Post #: 16

RE: first questions - 7/31/2012 3:28:39 PM

ARIES83

Posts: 3648
Status: offline

I have no experience with online dating but I say,
No naked picks unless you want to, lets face it, theres
probably a million guys just wanking off to them and
trying to con more out of you.
If a guy was like me, he would ask you specific,
non-sleezy, questions and wouldn't mind if you kept
your answers short, if things looked good from there,
i'd probably take it to MSN for some real time
conversations, possibly send some photos, try to get a
feel for what your like, then depending what both our
goals and situations were, a coffee shop meeting or
something similar may be on the cards.

I'd say a red flag may be, a person insisting you call them
by titles or show them respect straight away.

Someone insisting on nude pics or asking a lot of very
personal questions, if you thought you should answer i'd
say keep the answers short, no need to give out wank
fodder.

Those are just my ideas on filtering out wankers.
Like I said, i've never tried to get into anyones
cyber-pants, It's just my point of views.

-ARIES

_____________________________

530 DAYS

(in reply to kalikshama)

Post #: 17

RE: first questions - 7/31/2012 3:48:57 PM

chemeli

Posts: 335
Joined: 7/30/2012
Status: offline

Ok, let's be clear about one thing. Maybe i insinuated without intending so that i was seeking a relationship on the web, but it's not the case. But as i'm not part of any group or any bdsm related activities in real life, yes, i do seek dominant men from the net (from here). Although, i do not seek online romance.

(in reply to ARIES83)

Post #: 18

RE: first questions - 7/31/2012 3:58:02 PM

kalikshama

Posts: 14805
Joined: 8/8/2010
Status: offline

Not to worry, none of the answers were geared to online romance.

_____________________________

Curious about the "Sluts Vote" avatars? See http://www.collarchat.com/m_4133036/mpage_1/key_/tm.htm#4133036

(in reply to chemeli)

Post #: 19

RE: first questions - 7/31/2012 4:50:21 PM

Whiplashsmile4

Posts: 2305
Joined: 12/2/2008
Status: offline

I tend to ask questions and look for somebody to ask me questions.

If somebody does not want to Entertain me with answers, and worse yet totally side step the questions I ask. It just does not sit well with me at all. Actually makes me wonder what Planet they are from. Because this is all part of getting to know somebody.

However, I realize that there are some evil people which are fishing for information to use in stalking somebody. So, you might want to limit how much information you give to somebody. Get a feel for them.

Always trust your gut instincts, no matter how fucked up they seem to you. Go with your gut instincts on things. If something starts to feel or seem off to you, it probably is.

_____________________________

Жизнь ума ебет.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nUzJI4Palq0

(in reply to chemeli)

Post #: 20

Page: [1] 2 next > >>

All Forums >> [Community Discussions] >> General BDSM Discussion >> first questions

Page: [1] 2 next > >>

Jump to:

New Messages	No New Messages
Hot Topic w/ New Messages	Hot Topic w/o New Messages
Locked w/ New Messages	Locked w/o New Messages

Post New Thread

Reply to Message

Post New Poll

Submit Vote

Delete My Own Post

Delete My Own Thread

Rate Posts

Collarchat.com © 2025

Terms of Service

0.125