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Going too far? - 8/3/2012 1:55:36 PM   
shacky2012


Posts: 3
Joined: 8/3/2012
Status: offline 		I'm sure this has been discussed here before, but I sure can't find it.

We are newlyweds. I was a virgin when we married and contrary to what popular thought says, sex has been awesome. Except you know there's a "but" coming.

I've always been intrigued by BDSM but never had the chance to do anything about it. Now I'm married, and even have a husband who claims to lean dominant. The problem is, he never does anything about it!

I've narrowed it down to two issues:

1. He's afraid of hurting me, no matter how many times I tell him it feels good.
2. He's afraid if he takes one step into the BDSM world, he'll end up a complete sexual deviant, with me tied up in the basement as his complete slave.

He won't really talk about either of these fears, past telling me that's what's in his mind. So where do we go from here?
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RE: Going too far? - 8/3/2012 2:06:18 PM   
mnottertail


Posts: 60698
Joined: 11/3/2004
Status: offline 		you go into the boys laundry pile, you remove a belt, you undress completely, you have a cold beer waiting, you lead him to the couch, sit him down, you kneel in front of him prettily, eyes cast downward, hands raised with the belt in them, and softly say:

Use this motherfucker and beat on my round ass like you mean it  or I am gonna punch you dead in the goddamn face!!!!!


< Message edited by mnottertail -- 8/3/2012 2:08:32 PM >

_____________________________

Have they not divided the prey; to every man a damsel or two? Judges 5:30


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RE: Going too far? - 8/3/2012 2:09:22 PM   
OsideGirl


Posts: 14442
Joined: 7/1/2005
From: United States
Status: offline 		Pushing too hard to talk probably won't help, it will just make him retreat.

There's a great book "When someone you love is kinky".

You could try a kink friendly counselor.

You could try doing something light in the bedroom, "I really like it when you _____" and respond enthusiastically.

A lot of people fight leanings towards BDSM because they think it means that they're psychologically ill.



< Message edited by OsideGirl -- 8/3/2012 2:10:16 PM >

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RE: Going too far? - 8/3/2012 2:13:20 PM   
topcat


Posts: 1675
Joined: 1/31/2004
From: Tidewater, VA
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: shacky2012

1. He's afraid of hurting me, no matter how many times I tell him it feels good.
2. He's afraid if he takes one step into the BDSM world, he'll end up a complete sexual deviant, with me tied up in the basement as his complete slave.



1] it's likely not solely that- he's had a whole lifetime of conditioning that hurting girls is BAD. Even someone who is predisposed to this stuff is going to have some issues overcoming that programming.

My advice for dealing with this is to hitting while he's off guard. IMX, talking it out before hand will make him more resistant to the idea- if you spring it on him in the heat of the moment, he'll go for it. "Smack my ass! YES! Harder!" while he's taking you will usually lead to him complying. After that, make sure you let him know that it turned you on like crazy, that you never came so hard, and insist on giving him a 'no backsies' blow job- that should convince him that it was okay (even if he was a little lukewarm about it.

name of the game is operant conditioning. yes, this would be 'topping from the bottom', but in this case, I think it is a minor sin. Later, when he's more comfortable, you can confess, and encourage him to punish you for it.

2] Well, a girl can dream, right?

Baby steps. the in the bedroom stuff comes first

_____________________________

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RE: Going too far? - 8/3/2012 2:19:59 PM   
angelikaJ


Posts: 8641
Joined: 6/22/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: shacky2012

I'm sure this has been discussed here before, but I sure can't find it.

We are newlyweds. I was a virgin when we married and contrary to what popular thought says, sex has been awesome. Except you know there's a "but" coming.

I've always been intrigued by BDSM but never had the chance to do anything about it. Now I'm married, and even have a husband who claims to lean dominant. The problem is, he never does anything about it!

I've narrowed it down to two issues:

1. He's afraid of hurting me, no matter how many times I tell him it feels good.
2. He's afraid if he takes one step into the BDSM world, he'll end up a complete sexual deviant, with me tied up in the basement as his complete slave.

He won't really talk about either of these fears, past telling me that's what's in his mind. So where do we go from here?



There are 2 other possibilities that immediately came to my mind:
1) No one really grows up knowing how to do these things...and doing them safely, is a skill.
Chances are your husband doesn't really know how to procede.
So, have you considered the option of introducing him to some folks who may like some of the same things he might?
Get thee both to a munch.

Got to a few if different ones are in your area.
Different groups have different collective personalities.

2) Maybe your husband only claimed to lean to the D because he wanted to keep you.
He may not be dominant at all.


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RE: Going too far? - 8/3/2012 2:22:10 PM   
shacky2012


Posts: 3
Joined: 8/3/2012
Status: offline 		Everything everyone's said makes sense. I guess I just assumed that since he feels dominant, at least in bed, that it wouldn't be as difficult as if he didn't have feelings one way of the other. I know that he's been more dominant in past relationships, which makes me wonder if there's something wrong with me. He was NOT a virgin when we met/married and in fact brought up the kinky stuff first. So I know he wasn't lying to keep me.

And heck yeah, if I didn't love my job so much, he could totally keep me prisoner in the basement...

< Message edited by shacky2012 -- 8/3/2012 2:23:01 PM >

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RE: Going too far? - 8/3/2012 2:24:08 PM   
Hillwilliam


Posts: 19394
Joined: 8/27/2008
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: shacky2012
2. He's afraid if he takes one step into the BDSM world, he'll end up a complete sexual deviant,

Maybe you need to convince him that this isn't necessarily a bad thing.

_____________________________

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RE: Going too far? - 8/3/2012 2:42:14 PM   
RemoteUser


Posts: 2854
Joined: 5/10/2011
Status: offline 		This is like any other important part of your relationship. As already noted, communication is important, and so is action (to a degree; yes, start things out easy and show your appreciation - this is true for anyone when it comes to changing it up in the bedroom).

How did you discuss this before? Approach it the same way.

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RE: Going too far? - 8/3/2012 3:31:50 PM   
LookieNoNookie


Posts: 12216
Joined: 8/9/2008
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: shacky2012

I'm sure this has been discussed here before, but I sure can't find it.

We are newlyweds. I was a virgin when we married and contrary to what popular thought says, sex has been awesome. Except you know there's a "but" coming.

I've always been intrigued by BDSM but never had the chance to do anything about it. Now I'm married, and even have a husband who claims to lean dominant. The problem is, he never does anything about it!

I've narrowed it down to two issues:

1. He's afraid of hurting me, no matter how many times I tell him it feels good.
2. He's afraid if he takes one step into the BDSM world, he'll end up a complete sexual deviant, with me tied up in the basement as his complete slave.

He won't really talk about either of these fears, past telling me that's what's in his mind. So where do we go from here?



I was a virgin when you married as well.

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RE: Going too far? - 8/3/2012 3:39:25 PM   
Focus50


Posts: 3962
Joined: 12/28/2004
From: Newcastle, Australia
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: shacky2012

I'm sure this has been discussed here before, but I sure can't find it.

We are newlyweds. I was a virgin when we married and contrary to what popular thought says, sex has been awesome. Except you know there's a "but" coming.

I've always been intrigued by BDSM but never had the chance to do anything about it. Now I'm married, and even have a husband who claims to lean dominant. The problem is, he never does anything about it!

I've narrowed it down to two issues:

1. He's afraid of hurting me, no matter how many times I tell him it feels good.
2. He's afraid if he takes one step into the BDSM world, he'll end up a complete sexual deviant, with me tied up in the basement as his complete slave.

He won't really talk about either of these fears, past telling me that's what's in his mind. So where do we go from here?


While I can sorta relate to point #1 for a novice (afraid of hurting his loved one), the fact is that if it really is what he's into AND has a willing submissive partner ta boot, then as with all things new, you take small steps in experimenting to see what works.

Point #2 is a total crock - it's deflective bullshit...! His claim that he "leans" to dominant was likely all about telling you what you wanna hear - which was not necessarily a bad thing in trying to please his partner.

Sounds like you've got yourself a vanilla partner and there's a chance you might even be scaring him with your BDSM needs. You need to have some serious conversations; the kind where truth trumps excuses. As a Dominant myself, there's just no way we'd be talking around the edges and generally making excuses if my brand new virgin wife was into BDSM, too.

Seriously, the fears are his and they're about BDSM in general, not about potentially hurting you. In the meantime, I think the sex will be even better if the BDSM pressure was off for him. 'Cause that's what is is to him - pressure!

Focus.

_____________________________

Never underestimate the persuasive power of stupid people in large groups. <unknown>

Your food is for eating, not torturing. <my mum> (Errm, when I was a kid)

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RE: Going too far? - 8/3/2012 4:29:02 PM   
DarkSteven


Posts: 28072
Joined: 5/2/2008
Status: offline 		Could you just go to munches and events and have the two of you see what's out there?

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The small-breasted ones want larger breasts. The large-breasted ones want smaller ones. The straight-haired ones curl their hair, and the curly-haired ones straighten theirs...

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RE: Going too far? - 8/3/2012 4:30:50 PM   
CRYPTICLXVI


Posts: 3907
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: mnottertail

you go into the boys laundry pile, you remove a belt, you undress completely, you have a cold beer waiting, you lead him to the couch, sit him down, you kneel in front of him prettily, eyes cast downward, hands raised with the belt in them, and softly say:

Use this motherfucker and beat on my round ass like you mean it  or I am gonna punch you dead in the goddamn face!!!!!


Laughing my goddamned fucking ass off... Rockstar through the nose just became a hard limit.

(in reply to mnottertail)
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RE: Going too far? - 8/3/2012 4:41:31 PM   
UllrsIshtar


Posts: 3693
Joined: 7/28/2012
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: CRYPTICLXVI


quote:

ORIGINAL: mnottertail

you go into the boys laundry pile, you remove a belt, you undress completely, you have a cold beer waiting, you lead him to the couch, sit him down, you kneel in front of him prettily, eyes cast downward, hands raised with the belt in them, and softly say:

Use this motherfucker and beat on my round ass like you mean it  or I am gonna punch you dead in the goddamn face!!!!!


Laughing my goddamned fucking ass off... Rockstar through the nose just became a hard limit.


It may be funny, but I've had an experience like the OP describes with an inexperienced player being worried he'd take it to far. I did EXACTLY what mnottertail suggested and I have to attest that it works.

_____________________________

I can be your whore
I am the dirt you created
I am your sinner
And your whore
But let me tell you something baby
You love me for everything you hate me for

(in reply to CRYPTICLXVI)
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RE: Going too far? - 8/3/2012 4:52:53 PM   
thedavezone


Posts: 113
Joined: 12/11/2007
From: South Korea
Status: offline 		Take him to a hotel, a love motel if you have one. Have him take a shower, then lock his clothes and yours in a suitcase and hide the key. When he comes out of the showers, tell him has has to...convince you to give the key back.

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RE: Going too far? - 8/3/2012 4:53:08 PM   
DesFIP


Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline 		Madonna/whore syndrome. There are guys who feel it's okay to have hot, nasty sex with women they don't care about. But that if they do this to their loving partner, then he's degrading her.

For the next six months, you need to start the ball rolling. Ask him to spank you. Wiggle a lot during, and show him that you don't think of him as an abusive monster after. And thank him by jumping his bones. Beg to suck his cock. Send texts for the next couple of weeks telling him that it was freaking hot and you can't stop thinking about it and could he do it again real soon only next time, harder and longer. Don't complain because it was three pats so light you couldn't even feel them.

After a couple of times, beg him not to stop while he's doing it. Tell him you got so hot thinking about it, you got yourself off and you still can't wait for him to come home and do stuff to you. Be explicit as to what you want him to do.

If you keep responding positively, he'll get comfortable doing it with you.
So you find a picture that looks hot to you or a story, and send him the link with a request to do this over the weekend or sooner. If it requires any special tools, you get them. It's easy enough to buy a collar and leash at the dollar store for pet play. Or some rope that feels comfortable to you at the hardware store.

Then come out naked, with the new flogger between your teeth as you crawl to him. I guarantee the tv will be less appealing than you.

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Slave to laundry

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RE: Going too far? - 8/3/2012 4:58:19 PM   
kalikshama


Posts: 14805
Joined: 8/8/2010
Status: offline 		When my husband and I were newbies, I found that pointing to pictures in "Screw the Roses; Send me the Thorns" and saying, "This looks like it would be fun to try" worked wonders.

We also went to munches, events, and play parties, where we watched how more experienced people played and interacted.

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RE: Going too far? - 8/3/2012 7:32:44 PM   
shacky2012


Posts: 3
Joined: 8/3/2012
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: DesFIP
Madonna/whore syndrome. There are guys who feel it's okay to have hot, nasty sex with women they don't care about. But that if they do this to their loving partner, then he's degrading her.

This has always confused me. What's wrong with kinky sex with someone you love? Who's asking for it? But then, I'm not a guy.

Anyway...when he came home tonight, I let him know I was in the mood...but told him there was a problem...that I didn't want nice, sweet, romatic sex....

And holy crap, my ass hurts and I had no idea he remembered where we stashed the restraints we bought and never used......

Now, if he can just repeat it...

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RE: Going too far? - 8/4/2012 5:39:06 AM   
mnottertail


Posts: 60698
Joined: 11/3/2004
Status: offline 		You know, always been the trouble, the well, you should have known by the way I tilted my head slightly to the right and didnt take that second sip of orange juice......

If you want the goddamn dogshit kicked out of you, for fucks sake just ask for it.  Fuck all the brat, fuck all the subtle hints (we dont even get sistene chapel sized hints) fuck all the analyzing......

Honey, would you like a ribeye, a blowjob, and a beer?

Not, what were you thinking of for dinner tonight or did sasha and jim call? 

OH, yeah and OP and sore ass (same gal) this may sound strange coming from me, but ----

reward good behavior.   Meet him at the door naked and kneeling when he comes home from work, hand him a beer and smoke that fucker like its your last cigarette before they strap you in the chair and you can hear the wardens heels clicking on the linoleum down the hall walking towards your cell.  And dont bother with what you look or sound like if you slobber slobber........ 

< Message edited by mnottertail -- 8/4/2012 5:44:41 AM >

_____________________________

Have they not divided the prey; to every man a damsel or two? Judges 5:30


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RE: Going too far? - 8/4/2012 5:40:37 AM   
kalikshama


Posts: 14805
Joined: 8/8/2010
Status: offline
quote:

Now, if he can just repeat it...


You've had plenty of advice above on ways to encourage him to repeat it.

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RE: Going too far? - 8/4/2012 2:37:57 PM   
Focus50


Posts: 3962
Joined: 12/28/2004
From: Newcastle, Australia
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: kalikshama

quote:

Now, if he can just repeat it...


You've had plenty of advice above on ways to encourage him to repeat it.


Yeah; she encourage him; seduce him; she get him in the mood blah blah...

I seem to be the odd one out in this thread but I think the elephant in the room here is getting ignored a little too much. All these great suggestions for the OP are aimed at drawing a *reactive* response from the "Dominant" - you know, the one who's generally looked on to LEAD. Call me a dinosaur (shrugs) but probably 2/3rds of my dominance is proactive; that I take charge of her regardless of whether she's in the right particular mood for some action.

What manner of dominance is it where the sub is constantly having to seek new ways to grease his wheels to get things moving. Am I wrong to think the average Dom/me is independently a self starter?

OP, you having to do all the mood work has a limited shelf life; ie, it's a quick fix. You need to have a heart to heart about what's going on.

Focus.

_____________________________

Never underestimate the persuasive power of stupid people in large groups. <unknown>

Your food is for eating, not torturing. <my mum> (Errm, when I was a kid)

(in reply to kalikshama)
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