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Deep soul searching?? - 8/6/2012 8:12:39 AM   
ohsobroken


Posts: 20
Joined: 5/6/2012
Status: offline 		Is it normal for a new submissive to put her own needs- mostly pleasure- and wants before her Dom's? Does this mean she is less of a submissive? How would you correct this behavior and what becomes of the D/s relationship?
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RE: Deep soul searching?? - 8/6/2012 8:52:32 AM   
OsideGirl


Posts: 14441
Joined: 7/1/2005
From: United States
Status: offline 		It's kinda normal...yes.

1) Being A submissive is learned behavior. You don't throw a switch and *poof* you're the prefect submissive. It takes time, effort, communication and trust.

2) Sub frenzy causes the drive for more and more awesome sensations in the beginning, which causes many to be demanding about what they're getting. This is one of the many reasons that I suggest that getting into a committed relationship with someone when you're dead new isn't a good idea.

I'm also going to say: You're an adult that has agreed to a specific dynamic. You should have enough control to gain the upper hand on your desires.




< Message edited by OsideGirl -- 8/6/2012 8:53:24 AM >

_____________________________

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The Accelerated Velocity of Terminological Inexactitude

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RE: Deep soul searching?? - 8/6/2012 9:15:08 AM   
DesFIP


Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline 		In addition, it helps if you have the same viewpoint. If your desires and his mesh, then there won't be a lot of disagreements.

Additionally, if he isn't inspiring you to submit, you may not be able to do so on your own. For some subs, the drive is enough that they can submit without getting dominant energy to help them. For others, they may need more dominance to get into the right headspace. Nothing wrong if you need that energy from him, most of us cannot submit in a vacuum. Is he inspiring you? And are you compatible?

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RE: Deep soul searching?? - 8/6/2012 9:51:56 AM   
ohsobroken


Posts: 20
Joined: 5/6/2012
Status: offline 		Thank You guys so much for your kind words and help. O, you are right, i should be in control of my own desires..but in all honesty, we both lost control and that cant be good.

Des, he does inspire me to be the best submissive i can be, but at the same time, i feel like im not challenged enough. He does give me tasks to do, but im feeling as if they arent enough. We are compatible, we get along fine, but im wondering if i need more dominance to get my head in the game- like you said.

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RE: Deep soul searching?? - 8/6/2012 9:53:44 AM   
crazyml


Posts: 5568
Joined: 7/3/2007
Status: offline 		So... talk to him... talk about how you'd like to intensify things a bit...

Discover... learn.... get wet!

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Remember.... There's always somewhere on the planet where it's jackass o'clock.

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RE: Deep soul searching?? - 8/6/2012 9:57:00 AM   
SpaceSpank


Posts: 244
Joined: 10/3/2010
Status: offline 		Have an honest talk with him and say exactly this.

If you are still new with each other, he may be erring on the side of caution so as not to cause any problems. I am cautious at the start as well. I'd rather go too slow and have a girl tell me to go faster than to start off too fast and have her freak out.

If he's really good he will appreciate a frank and honest sit down discussion. If you think you can take more, he should be more than willing and able to provide you with that.

quote:

ORIGINAL: ohsobroken

i feel like im not challenged enough. He does give me tasks to do, but im feeling as if they arent enough. We are compatible, we get along fine, but im wondering if i need more dominance to get my head in the game- like you said.


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RE: Deep soul searching?? - 8/6/2012 10:06:39 AM   
OsideGirl


Posts: 14441
Joined: 7/1/2005
From: United States
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: ohsobroken

O, you are right, i should be in control of my own desires..but in all honesty, we both lost control and that cant be good.


I find that he lost control to be concerning.


_____________________________

Give a girl the right shoes and she will conquer the world. ~ Marilyn Monroe

The Accelerated Velocity of Terminological Inexactitude

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RE: Deep soul searching?? - 8/6/2012 10:23:43 AM   
DarkSteven


Posts: 28072
Joined: 5/2/2008
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: OsideGirl

quote:

ORIGINAL: ohsobroken

O, you are right, i should be in control of my own desires..but in all honesty, we both lost control and that cant be good.


I find that he lost control to be concerning.



That depends. If he lost control during a session, I'd agree with you. But if he simply lost his temper outside a session, that's something else.

_____________________________

"You women....

The small-breasted ones want larger breasts. The large-breasted ones want smaller ones. The straight-haired ones curl their hair, and the curly-haired ones straighten theirs...

Quit fretting. We men love you."

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RE: Deep soul searching?? - 8/6/2012 10:24:51 AM   
littlewonder


Posts: 15659
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: ohsobroken

Is it normal for a new submissive to put her own needs- mostly pleasure- and wants before her Dom's? Does this mean she is less of a submissive? How would you correct this behavior and what becomes of the D/s relationship?


Imo if you put your own desires and pleasures first then you are most likely a bottom. Now if you put your NEEDS before his then you both have a lot of talking to do.

But for me, imo, his desires come first above mine but that also means when I do he will take time to give me some pleasures as well, just like in any healthy relationship.


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RE: Deep soul searching?? - 8/6/2012 10:31:42 AM   
ohsobroken


Posts: 20
Joined: 5/6/2012
Status: offline 		My Dom and i just had the " conversation " i did express to him my need for him to step things up a bit, which he agreed to do. And i thanked him for that, but now i have a new question- it is wise to break a sub? Is that something Doms must do? Is it effective?

O- i did notice that also, but how do i bring that up to him? Im very new to this so it has taken me some time to process things.

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RE: Deep soul searching?? - 8/6/2012 10:36:22 AM   
OsideGirl


Posts: 14441
Joined: 7/1/2005
From: United States
Status: offline 		What was the context of losing control? Was it during a scene? During an argument?

_____________________________

Give a girl the right shoes and she will conquer the world. ~ Marilyn Monroe

The Accelerated Velocity of Terminological Inexactitude

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RE: Deep soul searching?? - 8/6/2012 11:04:31 AM   
SpaceSpank


Posts: 244
Joined: 10/3/2010
Status: offline 		"Breaking" a sub basically entails essentially wearing them down to a point mentally (and usually physically) where they are in a VERY delicate state. And then the Master/Dom will start "rebuilding" them as they see fit. Think of it as similar to brain washing (or could actually BE brainwashing if you took it that far). Normal effectiveness will vary wildly simply because people vary wildly. But it brings the sub down to a very dangerous spot mentally regardless, so even if it was absolutely ineffective to "break" them, it could still result in a great deal of mental and/or physical damage to the sub if done improperly, or even with a simple mistake.

If he's not prepared for it, I wouldn't even think about going there. And based upon the fact that he "lost control" with something I would not feel safe recommending you try it for a long time, if ever.

And it is not something that needs to be done. You aren't a "fake sub" if you don't want to be broken down psychologically.

quote:

ORIGINAL: ohsobroken

My Dom and i just had the " conversation " i did express to him my need for him to step things up a bit, which he agreed to do. And i thanked him for that, but now i have a new question- it is wise to break a sub? Is that something Doms must do? Is it effective?

O- i did notice that also, but how do i bring that up to him? Im very new to this so it has taken me some time to process things.



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RE: Deep soul searching?? - 8/6/2012 11:08:35 AM   
mnottertail


Posts: 60698
Joined: 11/3/2004
Status: offline 		OH, I dont know you got to have them as fragile as mica or any of that nonsense.



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Have they not divided the prey; to every man a damsel or two? Judges 5:30


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RE: Deep soul searching?? - 8/6/2012 11:39:54 AM   
ohsobroken


Posts: 20
Joined: 5/6/2012
Status: offline 		O- it was during aftercare.

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RE: Deep soul searching?? - 8/6/2012 12:00:45 PM   
OsideGirl


Posts: 14441
Joined: 7/1/2005
From: United States
Status: offline 		I realize that everyone has their own version of aftercare, but that seems to be a very odd time to lose control.

_____________________________

Give a girl the right shoes and she will conquer the world. ~ Marilyn Monroe

The Accelerated Velocity of Terminological Inexactitude

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RE: Deep soul searching?? - 8/6/2012 12:46:41 PM   
ohsobroken


Posts: 20
Joined: 5/6/2012
Status: offline 		O, i dont think he intended to have sex with me, but it progressed. I thought he would be more in control of his urges. And because he didnt stop it, i asked for sex and he gave it to me..but is that putting my own need before his? Is having a strong sexual attraction to your Dom or sub a bad thing?

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RE: Deep soul searching?? - 8/6/2012 12:53:10 PM   
lizi


Posts: 4673
Joined: 2/1/2009
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: ohsobroken

Thank You guys so much for your kind words and help. O, you are right, i should be in control of my own desires..but in all honesty, we both lost control and that cant be good.

Des, he does inspire me to be the best submissive i can be, but at the same time, i feel like im not challenged enough. He does give me tasks to do, but im feeling as if they arent enough. We are compatible, we get along fine, but im wondering if i need more dominance to get my head in the game- like you said.


D/s is something that you have to tweak along the way to suit the participants. Its not really a one size fits all. So just accept that the two of you are going to have to communicate, a lot, and work at things to get them to the stage where you both need to put on your seat belts. Be honest with the guy, tell him about how you feel. If he find that wrong, weird, or doesn't welcome it then maybe he's not the one for you.

Also you might try the more Dominance thing and find it doesn't have the desired effect. I thought I'd love face slapping....as it turns out I don't. I also thought in the beginning stages of my own D/s relationship that I needed more Dominance from him, as time went on and communication was exchanged, and our relationship got better, I found that his laid back style really works well for me. I didn't see that one coming. It's a journey just like any other relationship.

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RE: Deep soul searching?? - 8/6/2012 1:09:28 PM   
lizi


Posts: 4673
Joined: 2/1/2009
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: ohsobroken

My Dom and i just had the " conversation " i did express to him my need for him to step things up a bit, which he agreed to do. And i thanked him for that, but now i have a new question- it is wise to break a sub? Is that something Doms must do? Is it effective?

O- i did notice that also, but how do i bring that up to him? Im very new to this so it has taken me some time to process things.



JMO and all that doodah, but 'breaking' a sub is utter crap. Why people think they have to do this is incomprehensible to me. Maybe it's a porn leftover or something from an old old European BDSM House fairy tale book or something, but it pops up now and then and every time it does, it screams "I don't know what I'm doing" to me. As soon as I see that pop up, I lose all respect for the Dominant that believes in it.

Is there a secret handbook out there somewhere that talks about 'breaking' your s type? Where the hell does this actually come from? Honestly with the absolute winners on the profile side of CM, I wouldn't trust any one of them to mess with my psyche. Is your basic Dominant ok to fuck with the programming of your personality/mind? I'd say not. A situational scene mind fuck is a different animal. Giving yourself a self-applied title like Dominant isn't equal to having a psychology degree.

The standard line is "why would you want to break your toys?" when it comes to the subject of 'breaking' your submissive, and I agree with that.

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RE: Deep soul searching?? - 8/6/2012 1:25:23 PM   
ohsobroken


Posts: 20
Joined: 5/6/2012
Status: offline 		Thanks so much for your response, and we did discuss an increase in his intensity, i just dont want him to be something he isnt ya know? He is very laid back and loving, but i need stricter, more demanding..and i would hate for him to "pretend" to be more intense and strict when it isnt in him.

(in reply to lizi)
Profile   Post #: 19
RE: Deep soul searching?? - 8/6/2012 1:50:46 PM   
Winterapple


Posts: 1343
Joined: 8/19/2011
Status: offline 		You think you do and maybe you do but you might
want to think twice about throwing laid-back
and loving back in the sea.
Beware of fantasy Dom. You're not in
an alternative universe when you are
in a D/s relationship.

And that breaking the sub thing, I'm
with lizi. It's an Internet fairy tale more
than anything.

_____________________________

A thousand dreams within me softly burn.
Rimbaud




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Profile   Post #: 20
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