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RE: Process of Getting to Know One Another - 8/6/2012 8:18:21 PM

SlipSlidingAway

Posts: 223
Joined: 11/24/2006
Status: offline

Hi Kristina...

I think posting here was great. I agree with what everybody has said, and yet, when I was new to all of this, I didn't always use my common sense. I think that, for a lot of newbies, they learn stuff online- and most of that's fantasy crap. Still, it's what you see, what you read about, what you ~think~ is reality. Especially when you have all these domly doms, with so much (supposed) experience telling you that you are doing it all wrong! I was an idiot back in the beginning. I admit if. I happened to be very lucky, but still, a few of my first offline encounters make me cringe when I think back. I should have known better. But, alas, I didn't. I thought being submissive meant things that it doesn't. And, always think of the motives of the people giving you advice. Some dude telling you to cam in order to prove your genuine? Yeah, he couldn't possibly have an ulterior motive!

Really, while submission feels miraculous and magical, at it's core is a relationship. Use the same sort of guidelines you would for any other relationship and you will do fine. Let your gut feelings guide you. If something feels wrong, it usually is. And, maybe try to make a submissive female friend or two. It can help a lot. Plus, these forums tend to serve as a pretty good BS meter. If you are uncertain about something, do a search and read up on what's been said before. There is a wealth of information at your fingertips.

Good luck to you. Enjoy the journey!

(in reply to GreedyTop)

Post #: 21

RE: Process of Getting to Know One Another - 8/6/2012 8:18:53 PM

subKLee

Posts: 11
Joined: 7/3/2012
Status: offline

Chemeli,

Thanks for asking those questions. I am second guessing the process again because of what has been presented to me over the last 5 weeks or so. As far as how I would define the ideal D/s relationship, this has been evolving for me over time. Since I have not been in one, I can only tell you what I expect from any relationship. In exploring this site, talking to all of you on CM and reading various sources, I am reflecting on this daily. However, I'm trying not to make too many rules in this exploration because other than trust, respect, happiness and the whole wide world...I'm hoping that the man I meet and I will figure it out...it will develop over time.

About myself...I'm feeling great about me...love me and not looking for anyone to fix me. Trust...in the beginning, I am cautious...earn my trust and you have it..this happens over time. -All great questions. I'm learning, growing, reflecting...and love where I'm going and who I'm becoming. But hey, that won't end when I find a Dom/Partner/LTR.

(in reply to chemeli)

Post #: 22

RE: Process of Getting to Know One Another - 8/6/2012 8:20:15 PM

subKLee

Posts: 11
Joined: 7/3/2012
Status: offline

Thank you! Love the words...deserve...support....boundries!

(in reply to OsideGirl)

Post #: 23

RE: Process of Getting to Know One Another - 8/6/2012 8:24:44 PM

GreedyTop

Posts: 52100
Joined: 5/2/2007
From: Savannah, GA
Status: offline

quote:

"Totally what Greedy said. At 45 years old, you should not have to ask what the process is to meet someone for a long term relationship." ( I know it should be, but when you are bombarded with the same types of requests, you begin to wonder) But hey, I may be 18 inside of a 46 year old woman's body.

word to the wise... ;)(see what I bolded above)

I understand what ya mean. Just remember, like I said, it IS a relationship firstly. The d/s stuff should be icing (maybe reallly THICK icing, but still...)

< Message edited by GreedyTop -- 8/6/2012 8:25:29 PM >

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(in reply to subKLee)

Post #: 24

RE: Process of Getting to Know One Another - 8/6/2012 8:31:48 PM

subKLee

Posts: 11
Joined: 7/3/2012
Status: offline

Slipsliding - thanks for sharing and I'm happy you were lucky! This is the first time I've posted and I'm very happy I did. And yes, submissive friends are key I think for before and during the relationship. Thank you again.

GreedyTop - thanks and I love your advice and humor. Yup 18.

< Message edited by subKLee -- 8/6/2012 8:34:56 PM >

(in reply to SlipSlidingAway)

Post #: 25

RE: Process of Getting to Know One Another - 8/6/2012 9:00:32 PM

NiceButMeanGirl

Posts: 2756
Joined: 11/4/2011
From: Bellingham, WA U.S.A.
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: GreedyTop

IT IS A RELATIONSHIP!! BDSM or D/s does NOT make it different!!!!

This. ^^^^

I get to know a person as I would get to know anyone I'm thinking about having a relationship with. Meeting online I'd correspond with someone and then meet them in person within not too many weeks if they're fairly close. If they're long-distance from me, like from out of state, it might take a little longer for that first face-to-face meeting.

When we meet in person, we date like any couple getting to know one another. Only after mutual interest and compatibility have been established and we've decided to move on to a relationship would there be any D/s or kinky stuff happening. I used to be one to get into the kink stuff right away, but not anymore.

I like to base a relationship on more than just that and now I take my time. At least that's how I did it with my sub.

NBMG

_____________________________

I'm now SweetlySadistic1 on CollarSpace. NBMG is an old profile, please see my new one.

(in reply to GreedyTop)

Post #: 26

RE: Process of Getting to Know One Another - 8/6/2012 9:04:43 PM

subKLee

Posts: 11
Joined: 7/3/2012
Status: offline

Thank you DarkSteven...I appreciate that you are giving me examples.

(in reply to DarkSteven)

Post #: 27

RE: Process of Getting to Know One Another - 8/6/2012 9:13:22 PM

chemeli

Posts: 335
Joined: 7/30/2012
Status: offline

I've sent you a request for friends. (Damn, are we on facebook?) Add me if you want.

(in reply to subKLee)

Post #: 28

RE: Process of Getting to Know One Another - 8/6/2012 9:18:23 PM

Kana

Posts: 6676
Joined: 10/24/2006
Status: offline

Me?
I talk via CM for a few weeks, then move to email when she's comfy.
At that point, if things still click I meet quick. And once we meet, if there's still electricity I wanna play quick-no point investing tons of time only to find out that everything else clicks but we ain't compatible in play.
Throughout the process I talk to her a lot-it's just like any other relationship-at first you are strangers slowly and somewhat uneasily feeling each other out but as time progresses and you get to know each other better, I start to get a feel for who and what she is, how she reacts, what makes her tick.
Then things get fun.
But there's a looooong period of time before we move from folks who interact together to a full scale Dom/slave relationship...as in a year or so. Now this doesn't mean we ain't committed to each other, that monogamy isn't involved, but it's that I take collaring really seriously and don't do it casually.

How do you get to know her?
Spend time together. Lots and lots of time. And i ain't talking dungeon time. I'm talking movies, long walks on the beach, sitting in the park people watching, many, many lunches etc....
Like most anything else in life, the greater the investment the greater the return.

_____________________________

"One of God's own prototypes. A high-powered mutant of some kind never even considered for mass production. Too weird to live, and too rare to die. "
HST

(in reply to GreedyTop)

Post #: 29

RE: Process of Getting to Know One Another - 8/6/2012 9:31:13 PM

lizi

Posts: 4673
Joined: 2/1/2009
Status: offline

The ratio of men to women here is about 10:1. These guys are trying to get in fast and get you on a hook for themselves. The ones jumping the gun with handing out tasks, lots of calls/texts, or acting as though you belong to them, they're crossing their fingers that it'll work because they've been trying for a while and are tired of waiting. The ones suggesting training and mentoring, just trying to get their foot in the door and hopefully get some sex/play. These guys are crossing boundaries and making you feel uncomfortable. If someone shows a willingness to ignore your personal boundaries, or normal social boundaries amongst strangers...they may have no problems at all crossing more boundaries with you as things progress. Will these men honor a safe word? Who knows, but it sends off a red flag doesn't it?

You do not have to accept people in your own personal space that make you uncomfortable. That is up to you to monitor. This entire experience is under your control, you decide what you will do with who. You are an adult in charge of your own life. If anyone tries to be pushy, push back and keep your already thought out boundaries intact. What are they? Figure that out. I decided I wasn't interested in talking about intimate matters till I met someone and saw if I was truly interested in being intimate with them or not. I also did not follow someone's requests or tasks before I decided I would like them to be my Dominant. I refused any encounters or acts that were not within my own personal scope of what I wanted to do no matter if I was called a crappy submissive or not.

Look for the ones that want you to be comfortable and let you progress at your own pace. You aren't submissive to the world, just the person you select. Anyone who tries to guilt trip you by saying you're not submissive because you won't do what they want is an idiot.

General process for getting to know a Dom for me:

-Looking at their profile and seeing if they want casual, are poly, or have other things I am not interested in such as certain fetishes or country music or whatever else is a deal breaker for me.
-Writing the guy to see how he responds. If he's a douche i disengage pretty fast and say no thanks.
-I tend to try to make online communication go fairly slow so i don't get caught up in the moment and ignore things I shouldn't. If I get going fast and furious it leads to false sense of closeness and I am not as objective as i should be.
-I try to meet quickly and see if a physical meeting produces an interest on my part for him. I'll meet hopefully in the first week, otherwise all the time of getting to know someone is wasted effort if I have no attraction to him or he's not what he said. For me online tends to produce a false sense of closeness and i fall hard and fast for men that I don't really care for once i meet them.
-I meet somewhere public and for a short amount of time like for coffee. Anyone suggesting private first meeting at his place or a hotel gets kicked to the curb.
-At the first meeting i can see if I'd like more or not and proceed accordingly.
-No one touches me without my ok. I'm not anyone's freebie because I'm submissive and they think I'm supposed to let them do what they like.
-If i like the guy i make another date or invite him to call again.

You say just about everyone starts out talking about D/s and the physical. I don't. It's no strangers business what I do in intimate situations. I tell the ones who ask for that that i"m sorry, and I share that information with people I know and am interested in. Then I proceeded to ask general questions about life that we can discuss. Of course they're going to go for hot stuff if you let them. I got sick and tired of trotting out my private interests for strangers. Do you do meet people at parties and ask what they do in the bedroom right off? I happen to like getting to know people outside of kink, to me I'll be fine with most men kinky-wise, its the vanilla things that i need to find out.

There's a thing called sub frenzy, when a submissive first finds themselves interested in D/s they tend to go a little nuts. Try to slow down and figure things out and take charge of things. I know that sounds counterintuitive when you call yourself a submissive, but you don't know these strangers and can't say if they are a good Dominant and leader for you till you know them. So taking charge of your own boundaries and wants is necessary till you find the person you will hand over the reins to.

(in reply to subKLee)

Post #: 30

RE: Process of Getting to Know One Another - 8/6/2012 9:49:07 PM

subKLee

Posts: 11
Joined: 7/3/2012
Status: offline

Thanks Lizi...I think everything you said makes perfect sense. Everyone has said to slow down...and I haven't gone anywhere yet LOL...but I DO take advice seriously. Again, detailed examples help even though it should seem like common sense. A girl can definitely get caught up in all this. After this discussion, I feel more grounded, but I also feel exhausted. Sifting through all the bull! As many have said, works like any relationship.....

Kana, thank you also for explaining your process. Spend lots and lot of time....and communication is key. That's what I think too. Thank you!

(in reply to lizi)

Post #: 31

RE: Process of Getting to Know One Another - 8/6/2012 9:55:29 PM

CRYPTICLXVI

Posts: 3907
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: subKLee

Thanks Lizi...I think everything you said makes perfect sense. Everyone has said to slow down...and I haven't gone anywhere yet LOL...but I DO take advice seriously. Again, detailed examples help even though it should seem like common sense. A girl can definitely get caught up in all this. After this discussion, I feel more grounded, but I also feel exhausted. Sifting through all the bull! As many have said, works like any relationship.....

Kana, thank you also for explaining your process. Spend lots and lot of time....and communication is key. That's what I think too. Thank you!

And don't forget the most important step...
Send GreedyTop all of your money!!!

Seriously, I am glad to see that you are absorbing everything people have shared with you... I wish you luck in your search as well as your self-discovery.

(in reply to subKLee)

Post #: 32

RE: Process of Getting to Know One Another - 8/6/2012 10:00:11 PM

chemeli

Posts: 335
Joined: 7/30/2012
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: lizi

-Looking at their profile and seeing if they want casual, are poly, or have other things I am not interested in such as certain fetishes or country music or whatever else is a deal breaker for me.
-Writing the guy to see how he responds. If he's a douche i disengage pretty fast and say no thanks.
-I tend to try to make online communication go fairly slow so i don't get caught up in the moment and ignore things I shouldn't. If I get going fast and furious it leads to false sense of closeness and I am not as objective as i should be.
-I try to meet quickly and see if a physical meeting produces an interest on my part for him. I'll meet hopefully in the first week, otherwise all the time of getting to know someone is wasted effort if I have no attraction to him or he's not what he said. For me online tends to produce a false sense of closeness and i fall hard and fast for men that I don't really care for once i meet them.
-I meet somewhere public and for a short amount of time like for coffee. Anyone suggesting private first meeting at his place or a hotel gets kicked to the curb.
-At the first meeting i can see if I'd like more or not and proceed accordingly.
-No one touches me without my ok. I'm not anyone's freebie because I'm submissive and they think I'm supposed to let them do what they like.
-If i like the guy i make another date or invite him to call again.

I should have quoted your entire post, but those are really good advices. Inspiring

(in reply to lizi)

Post #: 33

RE: Process of Getting to Know One Another - 8/7/2012 6:19:55 AM

kalikshama

Posts: 14805
Joined: 8/8/2010
Status: offline

I'm only interested in local guys and if I meet one online who can't meet for coffee or lunch within two weeks, I give him the benefit of the doubt and write him off as too busy to date. (He could also be married or a HNG.)

If someone's CM profile is entirely kink, I will ask him if he has a profile on a vanilla site. If not, I'll chalk him up as too one dimensional for me. Ditto if he attempts to have conversations that are entirely kink.

Because I'm not a TWUE submissive, I often give the Desktop Doms who write to me PSAs (Public Service Announcements.)

_____________________________

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(in reply to subKLee)

Post #: 34

RE: Process of Getting to Know One Another - 8/7/2012 7:29:43 AM

OsideGirl

Posts: 14441
Joined: 7/1/2005
From: United States
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: lizi

You say just about everyone starts out talking about D/s and the physical. I don't. It's no strangers business what I do in intimate situations. I tell the ones who ask for that that i"m sorry, and I share that information with people I know and am interested in.

Very much this. My response was always, "I don't discuss the details of my sex life with people I don't know". And generally, if the only thing they want to talk about is sex or kink, it usually means that's all they're interested in.

_____________________________

Give a girl the right shoes and she will conquer the world. ~ Marilyn Monroe

The Accelerated Velocity of Terminological Inexactitude

(in reply to lizi)

Post #: 35

RE: Process of Getting to Know One Another - 8/7/2012 7:30:19 AM

DesFIP

Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline

As far as how often you talk, that's a measure of compatibility also. Do you like to talk to people daily or are you fine with once a week? It doesn't matter either way. What does matter is that you're on the same page here. Same with tasks, if you want to do tasks for him and he wants you to do them, that's compatibility. If you don't, and he does, then you aren't compatible.

And tasks don't have to be sexual. Before I met The Man, while we were just chatting I signed off saying I had to take out the garbage. It was near midnight and I have a long driveway. The task he set me was to sign back on when I got back, so he knew I was safe after being on the street at that hour.

_____________________________

Slave to laundry

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(in reply to kalikshama)

Post #: 36

RE: Process of Getting to Know One Another - 8/7/2012 8:43:11 AM

SpaceSpank

Posts: 244
Joined: 10/3/2010
Status: offline

I'll just agree with this.

But on a much larger scale, it's all about compatibility. You can be the bestest most subby sub in the whole world but still be entirely wrong for a particular person. It does not make you a bad sub, or them a bad Dom, it just makes you a wrong fit.

If either side is pushing for things the other doesn't want or is not ready for, then it creates tension.. and while some of it may be fine, if it's too much it will eventually cause the relationship to break.

That is why so many people here stress open and honest communication with each other. If you are unable to do that, things are likely to take a nose dive sooner than later. No good Dom/Master should ever get pissed off if you respectfully voice concerns or problems you have... especially when the relationship is fairly new or not even really a relationship yet.

quote:

ORIGINAL: DesFIP

As far as how often you talk, that's a measure of compatibility also. Do you like to talk to people daily or are you fine with once a week? It doesn't matter either way. What does matter is that you're on the same page here. Same with tasks, if you want to do tasks for him and he wants you to do them, that's compatibility. If you don't, and he does, then you aren't compatible.

And tasks don't have to be sexual. Before I met The Man, while we were just chatting I signed off saying I had to take out the garbage. It was near midnight and I have a long driveway. The task he set me was to sign back on when I got back, so he knew I was safe after being on the street at that hour.

(in reply to DesFIP)

Post #: 37

RE: Process of Getting to Know One Another - 8/7/2012 4:14:13 PM

Magnus32169

Posts: 11
Joined: 6/11/2011
Status: offline

To begin with, frequency of communication should be inversely related to the busy factor in the Dom and the submissive's lives; more intense rules, like "text me every hour," should only be instituted after the two have met, interacted, and started to build the foundation of trust so necessary for any relationship to survive and thrive, BDSM OR vanilla. Such strict requirements DO sing to the submissive's level of surrender, though, and surrender is essential as well...

Types of doms to watch out for: doms (lower case, as they're merely pathetic posers who do damage to our lifestyle's reputation and well-being!) who operate under a sneaky, deceitful guise of lies and half-truths, and display NO true knowledge of the lifestyle; being a REAL Dom has an INCREDIBLE amount of responsibility that goes with it. If you think they're faking it, they probably are. Don't walk, RUN away.

(in reply to OsideGirl)

Post #: 38

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