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RE: Communicating with a non-communicator... - 8/10/2012 7:26:54 PM   
DesFIP


Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline 		All you can do is give him a deadline to prove that he really does want to salvage the marriage. Tell him he needs to find a therapist and do work on this. That if in six months he hasn't done a damned thing, you will consider that his answer. Then go about your own life planning for a future without him.

Because in six months he won't have seen anyone and he will still be saying the right things while not doing anything to fix the problem.

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RE: Communicating with a non-communicator... - 8/10/2012 7:38:16 PM   
littlewonder


Posts: 15659
Status: offline 		I think ultimatums are never a good thing. It will do more harm than good. Give him an ultimatum and he'll just clam up even more and won't even bother with you at all. Instead you will find yourself divorced within two months.


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RE: Communicating with a non-communicator... - 8/10/2012 9:03:32 PM   
stellauk


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quote:

ORIGINAL: SlipSlidingAway

Thank you, it's food for thought.  Since we have kids, not as ready to try a trial separation as I might be otherwise.  It's something I have considered, and I don't know if disrupting their lives to see if it works as a catalyst for change is feasible right now.  It's amongst the things I would like to discuss with a therapist. 



You might not like this, but the communication difficulties between you and your husband is probably already disrupting their lives.

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RE: Communicating with a non-communicator... - 8/10/2012 9:55:10 PM   
MistressDarkArt


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quote:

ORIGINAL: stellauk

quote:

ORIGINAL: SlipSlidingAway

Thank you, it's food for thought.  Since we have kids, not as ready to try a trial separation as I might be otherwise.  It's something I have considered, and I don't know if disrupting their lives to see if it works as a catalyst for change is feasible right now.  It's amongst the things I would like to discuss with a therapist. 



You might not like this, but the communication difficulties between you and your husband is probably already disrupting their lives.


And your kids could be learning his technique. Please don't let them perpetuate the communication problem into another generation. Teach them what you know, and how to appropriately use their words.



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RE: Communicating with a non-communicator... - 8/10/2012 11:19:06 PM   
littlewonder


Posts: 15659
Status: offline 		I don't know if you have ever heard of a book called The Love Dare or if you are spiritual or go to church but I find the "dares" to be very helpful for couples who are going through a lot and possibly thinking of divorce. I've heard that for many couples who do the dares, their relationship became stronger. It's just another thought.



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RE: Communicating with a non-communicator... - 8/12/2012 9:36:32 AM   
Aswad


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quote:

ORIGINAL: littlewonder

I think ultimatums are never a good thing. It will do more harm than good.


Seconded. Emphatically.

IWYW,
— Aswad.



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RE: Communicating with a non-communicator... - 8/12/2012 10:03:24 AM   
kalikshama


Posts: 14805
Joined: 8/8/2010
Status: offline 		Given this:

quote:

Someone that comes right out and says he does not want to discuss problems, emotions, or anything that could be upsetting? NOT talking is not an option in this case, there is much that needs to be said and discussed. He has a history of being a loner, and readily admits to feeling he does not need much human interaction; but, is part of a family unit (by choice). This individual will not consider counseling/mediator- or really any third party intervention, either.


it's not likely he's going to change, so 6 months, two months, doesn't make a difference.

OP - I'd give him an ultimatum and be prepared to act.

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RE: Communicating with a non-communicator... - 8/12/2012 11:39:49 AM   
Karmastic


Posts: 1650
Joined: 4/5/2012
From: Los Angeles
Status: offline 		fr-

OP, there's no good answer here. you chose to have some sort of relationship with this person for many years. and now you want to "change the deal". i suggest you communicate to him in a kind manner that there are now issues that are troubling you and prevent you from continuing the same relationship without better communication. that gives the other person the choice to try and change a bit for you if they wish, before you further distance yourself from them.

ultimately, that's all you can do. people make choices in their lives. you can choose to accept this person as they are, or walk away if you don't.

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RE: Communicating with a non-communicator... - 8/12/2012 11:51:14 AM   
PeonForHer


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Joined: 9/27/2008
Status: offline 		FR

I have to say that it's also worth considering that it may be wrong to pathologise his lack of communication in the first place, as so many here seem to want to do. Some people just do get through their lives in a generally healthy way without communicating much with other people. It doesn't always help them to share their feelings. In fact, it may well do the opposite.

< Message edited by PeonForHer -- 8/12/2012 11:52:02 AM >

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RE: Communicating with a non-communicator... - 8/12/2012 12:57:37 PM   
LaTigresse


Posts: 26123
Joined: 1/15/2006
Status: offline 		Peon I actually get that. I am that way to a great degree. Most of what goes through my head never ever comes out in any sort of communication. Especially emotional, touchy feely, whatever........kind of stuff. I operate entirely on a 'need to know' basis and I am the one that determines the 'need to know'.

However...I can be that way without any problem because the people in my life seem to be okay with it, maybe even prefer it. It works for ME.

It is not working for the OP and she is the one in a relationship with the guy. His lack of communication is a problem for HER. Therein lies the problem.

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RE: Communicating with a non-communicator... - 8/12/2012 2:50:00 PM   
DesFIP


Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline 		It's a problem for him because he tells her he doesn't want a divorce yet he also won't address the issues that are causing her to go in that direction.

He has options and has refused to utilize any of them. Unfortunately when you refuse to choose, you will then be obliged to deal with someone else's choice in the situation.

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RE: Communicating with a non-communicator... - 8/13/2012 8:25:31 AM   
LaTigresse


Posts: 26123
Joined: 1/15/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: DesFIP

It's a problem for him because he tells her he doesn't want a divorce yet he also won't address the issues that are causing her to go in that direction.

He has options and has refused to utilize any of them. Unfortunately when you refuse to choose, you will then be obliged to deal with someone else's choice in the situation.


As he has not contributed to this thread, we can only assume it is a problem for him. I am not putting any words in his mouth. For all we know, he doesn't really give a shit at all.

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My twisted, self deprecating, sense of humour, finds alot to laugh about, in your lack of one!

Just because you are well educated, articulate, and can use big, fancy words, properly........does not mean you are right!

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RE: Communicating with a non-communicator... - 8/13/2012 7:01:54 PM   
SlipSlidingAway


Posts: 223
Joined: 11/24/2006
Status: offline 		Thanks again everyone.  There is a lot here for me to think about, a lot of advice, and a lot for me to consider.  I'm currently working with my insurance company to look for therapists covered by my plan. I am not usually one for ultimatums, and certainly not going there at this time. However, if it's something my therapist feels I need to do, I am prepared to go that route if necessary. 

@littlewonder, thanks for the book recommendation.  Definitely going to give it a read.

And, for those of you who have said that you don't know what my husband is thinking because he has not posted here?  I live with him and don't know what he's thinking, so not much I can add.  I only know what he's told me, and it's not much.  The only thing I know for certain is he does not want to talk- and not just to me, but pretty much to anyone.  Things are being ignored, not just in our relationship, but in other areas of his life as well.  So, no, I don't so much think it's 'me'.  However it is impacting my life with him greatly.

So, I have decided to remain in a holding pattern until I talk to a professional.  After hearing what he/she has to say, I'm hoping to have a clearer idea of how to proceed.

Many thanks,

Slip~

< Message edited by SlipSlidingAway -- 8/13/2012 7:06:42 PM >

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RE: Communicating with a non-communicator... - 8/13/2012 8:12:06 PM   
JeffBC


Posts: 5799
Joined: 2/12/2012
From: Canada
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: ChatteParfaitt
You have answered your own question in the subject line. There is no way to communicate with a non-communicator.

This... and I'll go ahead and amplify it.

To the best of my knowledge, nobody has invented ESP pills yet. What that means is that the only two ways for people to relate are verbal and physical. If he won't have a verbal relationship with you that pretty much leaves you at a physical relationship. Is that what you want?

What I'm trying to point out here is that "communication" is not optional. It is, in fact, pretty much all there is if you want to have a "relationship" which, I believe, is where two or more people "relate".

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