RE: The real aftercare thread...No jokes this time. (Full Version)

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UnownedCOBeauty -> RE: The real aftercare thread...No jokes this time. (8/13/2012 7:39:19 PM)

For me (in the very few times I've scened or played) it's pretty simple. If it was fun and lighthearted (lots of tickling or - as I'm quite ticklish - lots of caning where I simply couldn't stop giggling) the only attention I need afterward is more giggling and some ice cream. I like to talk with my partner over ice cream and laugh about what just happened a bit, or laugh about something else entirely. Laughter is the best remedy for me in any situation. For a little more serious play (play that got me squealing) ice cream still works. But so does a little bit of closeness and nose-rubbing. Then we can discuss just how far to take it the next time, or if there will be a next time.

I don't really reach any kind of 'sub space' until I'm back home and alone with my thoughts, and sometimes sub space doesn't happen, or happens days after the scene is over. (I'm a weirdy.) So most of the 'aftercare' stuff is covering basic wants and needs from a scene and getting on the same page as to whether or not it worked for us in the end. Everything else, like crying or deep poetic thoughts, comes after, when I'm by myself.... and man-oh-man, it feels GOOD.



kitkat105 -> RE: The real aftercare thread...No jokes this time. (8/13/2012 9:36:43 PM)

Sometimes a cold drink & chocolate, but always snuggles. Sweet nothings whispered in my ear is always nice too. [:)]

I just like us being quiet & close.



littlewonder -> RE: The real aftercare thread...No jokes this time. (8/13/2012 9:43:46 PM)

I know when I need aftercare I'm pretty zoned out. Glassy eyes, tremors, sore muscles, wobbly walk, and it used to be I would be freezing and need a blanket but these days with menopause hitting, I now need lots of cooling down with ice or a fan or something and I also need some protein to keep me from crashing from low blood sugar because of all the energy that has been spent on my body.

And this goes on for about two days with me as the levels of chemicals in my body start to crash. The loss serotonin and dopamine in my brain causes feelings of deep depression and doubt and every other kind of emotion to come to the forefront.

Then there's the mental problems of needing to be reassured, to know he still loves me, that he's not going anywhere and that he's not upset with me in any way and that we can talk about what went right and what went wrong.

And of course there's the cuts, bruises, messes that need to be cleaned up on the body if there are any that need to be tended to.

So yeah, just cuddling alone just doesn't always cut it.

Now if it was just some rough sex or light play then yeah, cuddling is about all the both of us needs.



sexyred1 -> RE: The real aftercare thread...No jokes this time. (8/13/2012 10:02:44 PM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: littlewonder

I know when I need aftercare I'm pretty zoned out. Glassy eyes, tremors, sore muscles, wobbly walk, and it used to be I would be freezing and need a blanket but these days with menopause hitting, I now need lots of cooling down with ice or a fan or something and I also need some protein to keep me from crashing from low blood sugar because of all the energy that has been spent on my body.

And this goes on for about two days with me as the levels of chemicals in my body start to crash. The loss serotonin and dopamine in my brain causes feelings of deep depression and doubt and every other kind of emotion to come to the forefront.

Then there's the mental problems of needing to be reassured, to know he still loves me, that he's not going anywhere and that he's not upset with me in any way and that we can talk about what went right and what went wrong.
And of course there's the cuts, bruises, messes that need to be cleaned up on the body if there are any that need to be tended to.

So yeah, just cuddling alone just doesn't always cut it.

Now if it was just some rough sex or light play then yeah, cuddling is about all the both of us needs.


To me, this is so important and something I was lacking in my last relationship; he just never GOT the fact that I needed to be brought back to myself after an intense session. That lack of reassurance and just plain CARE, basically ruined any pleasure the previous activities provided.

I freely admit that I need aftercare or whatever you want to call it; but it has to be given freely, not demanded.



littlewonder -> RE: The real aftercare thread...No jokes this time. (8/13/2012 10:06:58 PM)

quote:

but it has to be given freely, not demanded.


Yup. If I have to demand it then at that point I will start taking over the relationship and at that point, the relationship is over.

Thankfully Master needs the same things I do after playing so neither of us needs to demand anything. We like the aftercare as a way to bring us even closer together than before. Each time helps us to reinvest in each other and to pull our bind tighter.



NuevaVida -> RE: The real aftercare thread...No jokes this time. (8/13/2012 11:50:32 PM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: sexyred1

To me, this is so important and something I was lacking in my last relationship; he just never GOT the fact that I needed to be brought back to myself after an intense session. That lack of reassurance and just plain CARE, basically ruined any pleasure the previous activities provided.



I really relate to this, from my last relationship. He mocked the idea of aftercare, and it was really up to me to bring myself back. Got to the point where I was almost dreading those crazy-intense days/nights with him because I knew the drop would last for days, and I'd go into that depressed state. I had a really good friend, and I'd always go stay with her that night because she happily and lovingly cared for me - cooked for me, gave me massage, talked things through, etc., although it was obviously not the same as if he had done even some of that.

My world is much different than that now.



BitaTruble -> RE: The real aftercare thread...No jokes this time. (8/14/2012 12:10:43 AM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: TNDommeK

Aftercare..your thoughts?


Our relationship works on the concept of mutual and on-going care so when i think of 'after-care' it is in terms of the attention that various wounds, contusions etc., may need in a first aid sort of way ... staunch the blood, make sure any puncture wounds have been swabbed.. things of that nature. Beyond that, it really is dependent on the energy.. sometimes I want to be left alone and just float back laughing or crying (or both) as the case may be.. then more of the physical stuff with hydration, getting the old electrolytes back into fighting shape (for both of us.. neither of us are spring chickens and sometimes he works his ass off tormenting me.. not that he complains mind you. [;)], warm blanket for the chill factor and stuff along those lines. What comes after that isn't so much what i would call 'after-care' but would fall into the on-going care which is just part of us loving one another.



UllrsIshtar -> RE: The real aftercare thread...No jokes this time. (8/14/2012 12:53:20 AM)

I very seldom need aftercare in the form of blankets, cuddling or contact, no matter how high the intensity level of the play is.
In fact, depending on what the goal of the play was, sometimes I prefer no aftercare at all, and instead being put to chores/tasks immediately after.

One thing I do very consistently need after heavy, and even light, play is leadership. I need calm assertive energy that gives me direction. After play, I'm extremely sensitive to dominant energy, and if the top is less than 100% sure of themselves or in control at that moment, I will crash hard and fast into insecurity, anxiety and general moodiness. Literally barking orders at me, at least for a while, is the most effective way to bring me down safely and securely when I've flown particularly high, even when that order is "come cuddle and talk with me".






topcat -> RE: The real aftercare thread...No jokes this time. (8/14/2012 8:22:35 AM)


Once upon a time, in an aftercare thread here, I replied that my aftercare plan was:

Check the breathing
Stop the bleeding
Treat for shock


Everyone thought that was funny (and I did mean it somewhat tongue-in-cheek), but really, it's a pretty good answer.

Just like any other scene that anyone does, my work is going to be different everytime, and even if I do the exact same thing, her reaction is going to vary from time to time. Never mind that every subject is different, and will require wildly different levels of attention to close the session. I've worked with those that required nothing- in fact, rejected any attempts at 'aftercare'- and some of those required major hands on 'debriefing' a day or two later, some didn't. I've worked with subjects that required a certain dispassionate, clinical, post scene handling, and some that literally had to be in close, constant, affectionate contact for hours after.

SO unfortunately, like many of the subjects we discuss, a simple, clear question begets a blizzard of fuzzy, complex answers- none of which are 'wrong'.




angelikaJ -> RE: The real aftercare thread...No jokes this time. (8/14/2012 5:03:39 PM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: Karmastic


EDIT & disclaimer: i'm obviously not into play that needs bactine or any type of medical attention or aftercare.





Neither does [my] Master, but that does not mean I don't require "aftercare".

I often require blankets, no matter how warm it is in the room.

I often say here that "Context is everything."
I have no idea how you came to contextualize "aftercare" with some sort of trauma or harm being done.

[My] Master would not choose to do something harmful. He is someone who follows the general policy of not breaking His toys.

That does not mean we don't go into some pretty emotionally intense places; most of the orgasms I have experienced with Him are accompanied by a deep cathartic release and I am a sobbing mass of jelly.

Being that you are new at this, such type of thing may not be something you have encountered yet, but if you eventually engage with any degree of intensity, it is more than likely that you will, and then you will have a situation in which "normal cuddling" probably won't suffice.
I mention this so that when if/when that happens you will have a newer context with which to apply the practice of "aftercare".



WinsomeDefiance -> RE: The real aftercare thread...No jokes this time. (8/15/2012 7:21:44 AM)

So anyway, regarding "Aftercare".

I think that people overthink this stuff too much sometimes, but mostly I think it hard sometimes for people to wrap their heads around what goes on during a BDSM scene. I mean, depending on your flavor, people do some really freaky stuff under the umbrella of BDSM.

There can be all kinds of intense emotions, high levels of endorphins and adrenaline pumping through the body, triggers hit, extreme highs often followed by exteme lows (for both Tops and bottoms.) You don't even have to be an edge or heavy player to get to those places either. One of the worst triggers I've ever faced during a scene was when I slapped the bottom (per our negotiations) across the face. He loved it, I became an emotional wreck. Point is, there's a lot going on and when all is said and done, the scene doesn't end when you set down the implements of torture. It ends when all parties involved have tended to the job of taking care of what needs tending. How they go about it, is aftercare.

I don't really get the concept that the word aftercare implies victimhood. While I do think there's a lot of bullshit victimization booho blather that goes on in the world in general, it doesn't mean that providing care after a BDSM scene implies the person needing care was victimized. That, in my opinion, is being very dismissive of the realities of both individual's (top's and bottom's) physical and emotional needs. Are we victims now, because we require care or attention or space?



TNDommeK -> RE: The real aftercare thread...No jokes this time. (8/15/2012 10:37:39 AM)

I think there are time when my sub will need it and times when he/she won't. It really depends on what has been done. But I usually go off what has been done, how we played, his or her nature...things like that. If I have just done a pro session and dude has just polished my toes..fuck him, he gets NOTHING,lol. But if I have just ball busted him from here to eternity, then yes I will make sure he is still breathing, get him some water etc. [:D]



kalikshama -> RE: The real aftercare thread...No jokes this time. (8/15/2012 2:28:15 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: JeffBC

quote:

ORIGINAL: Karmastic
i never called it "aftercare", just cuddling. "aftercare" presumes there's some trauma that needs tending to, and i don't like that connotation.

But I DO like that line of reasoning. I might just be on a jag now with this culture of victimhood thing but your comment just made me perceive the word "aftercare" as one of the victimization tools. In this case one with undoubtedly benign intent and of minimal damage but still... your point remains. Why are we presuming some trauma? What message is that sending?


For me, there's never been trauma, but impairment that needs to be addressed before I can drive safely. I remember calling my play partner in tears a few miles after I left his house because my reaction time was so slow that I kept passing gas stations, I didn't know where the next one was and I was afraid I was going to run out of gas.

I'm also dehydrated after a scene as I don't drink beforehand so my bladder won't interrupt us and with luck the scene lasted several hours.

Vitamin water, nuts, and chocolate works wonders to bring me back up. I also like to cuddle. Sometimes I get very cold so make sure I have warm stuff on hand. As a responsible bottom, I bring my own aftercare kit and never again drove impaired like I did that night.



VideoAdminXi -> RE: The real aftercare thread...No jokes this time. (8/15/2012 3:38:23 PM)

There were quite a few posts removed because of personal attacks. If you do not receive a gold letter, your post was removed for quoting or referring to a post that violated the TOS.

VideoAdminXi



Lucifyre -> RE: The real aftercare thread...No jokes this time. (8/15/2012 3:53:09 PM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: WinsomeDefiance

So anyway, regarding "Aftercare".

I think that people overthink this stuff too much sometimes, but mostly I think it hard sometimes for people to wrap their heads around what goes on during a BDSM scene. I mean, depending on your flavor, people do some really freaky stuff under the umbrella of BDSM.

There can be all kinds of intense emotions, high levels of endorphins and adrenaline pumping through the body, triggers hit, extreme highs often followed by exteme lows (for both Tops and bottoms.) You don't even have to be an edge or heavy player to get to those places either. One of the worst triggers I've ever faced during a scene was when I slapped the bottom (per our negotiations) across the face. He loved it, I became an emotional wreck. Point is, there's a lot going on and when all is said and done, the scene doesn't end when you set down the implements of torture. It ends when all parties involved have tended to the job of taking care of what needs tending. How they go about it, is aftercare.

I don't really get the concept that the word aftercare implies victimhood. While I do think there's a lot of bullshit victimization booho blather that goes on in the world in general, it doesn't mean that providing care after a BDSM scene implies the person needing care was victimized. That, in my opinion, is being very dismissive of the realities of both individual's (top's and bottom's) physical and emotional needs. Are we victims now, because we require care or attention or space?




Thank you WD for having such a great explanation.
all I can say in response is <this, so much thus!>

Lucifyre



CRYPTICLXVI -> RE: The real aftercare thread...No jokes this time. (8/15/2012 5:18:42 PM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: Kana

Aftercare is the calm after the hurricane passes, those rare moments where both parties, souls scorched wide by the depth of the play,open up totally and just share, clinging as tightly to each other as do the shell shocked survivors do when they emerge into the wrecked aftermath left by the storm.
It's wonderful.


Kana, I'm getting really fucking tired of agreeing with you most of the time.

Personally... and this is just based on my own limited experience. aftercare is relative to what has proceeded it. If it involved areas where the parameters are well known, the experience one of familiar geography, then it can be as simple as taking care of the basics, slowly coming down, talking, feeling close to each other. If for whatever reason, shit gets really intense... someone is pushed past where they thought their comfort zone is, where mental doors are opened and light floods areas which have either been kept dark, or for that matter not even recognized as fucking existing; then the amount of care afterwards is more involved. Not only does the physical need to be addressed but the emotional which can be left exposed, vulnerable, hurting even should be attended to as well. This can take many forms as well. From holding, speaking softly, reassuring, comforting.

Another aspect which has been mentioned and I believe generally ignored by a lot of people, is the experience of the person who has controlled the time spent together. If the session has gone a path which is more intense than intended, darker if you will, they can also be experiencing a sense of confusion. Questioning the experience, perhaps even looking at their part in what has happened.

I have also had experiences which are almost, if not actually spiritual in a sense... or at least similar to spiritual experiences. Where sense of self can be lost, where not only do both parties experience exhaustion but a sense of confusion, a sense that something "larger" than themselves has occurred. The ex-sub initially would experience reliving traumatic shit from her childhood, would actually experience a sense of regression, of past life regression... and a couple of times something which closely resembled awakening kundalini. All of this was definitely uncharted territory for me, so while I found myself in a position of being consistent, loving, solid... I also found myself questioning what had happened and my own place in what had happened.

So, I find myself back to Kana's quote, it is when the two of you can be completely open, intimate, singular with each other, regardless of how that is played out in actuality.

See, some of you thought I couldn't fucking write a serious response to anything, nyaaah, nyaaah...



Kana -> RE: The real aftercare thread...No jokes this time. (8/15/2012 7:19:54 PM)

quote:


Kana, I'm getting really fucking tired of agreeing with you most of the time.


Just another case of great minds thinking alike!



Kana -> RE: The real aftercare thread...No jokes this time. (8/15/2012 7:25:42 PM)

True story-I went out once with a gal who couldn't stand aftercare. Post scene she wanted to be left alone, she would wrap her arms around herself and just shake and cry, but if you touched her she freaked.
She needed like 1/2 an hour to chill before she could be with others.
Flipped me the fuck out. I would sit there and watch her ride through the waves of emotion/physical comedown, and feel soooo damn helpless-I hated it so much. I'm about solutions. Hand me a problem, I like to solve it, be the answer guy. But sitting on my hands, incapable of doing anything, in fact worsening the situation by trying, yeah, that was real difficult
I had real trouble getting used to that.
Fuck, I needed aftercare from the aftercare.



littlewonder -> RE: The real aftercare thread...No jokes this time. (8/15/2012 8:49:40 PM)

and now he gets a girl with an overloading need for aftercare. [X(]



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