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NuevaVida -> RE: Responsibility of a Dominant/Top - some thoughts (8/13/2012 6:47:08 PM)
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~ Fast Reply ~
All these threads about blame and victimhood and who's at fault, etc., has inspired me to tell a little story (turns out it's kind of a long little story). Read if interested, move along, if not.
Once upon a time there was a young woman whose life circumstances didn't allow her to know and understand who she was and why, or even how to figure that out. She was in a long term marriage that was unhealthy, and she felt she was the blame for all that was wrong in it. This was particularly pressed upon her by the husband. It took a very long time for her to gather the courage to leave this marriage, and subsequently a crazy-long time to figure herself out when the marriage and abuses within it were behind her.
Along that path, her vision was still too clouded to see clearly. She did, however, discover this world of BDSM, M/s, etc., and was drawn to the first man who scooped her up. She wasn't "out" in the lifestyle; didn't know anyone in it, in person, even. But this man was older, had an impressive career, had a powerful energy that sucked her in, and made her feel like she belonged somewhere.
He taught her to communicate better, and even insisted on pushing her hard to become strong - stronger than she knew she was capable of. Through the course of their years together, she was drawn so closely to him, she found herself what many here call internally enslaved to him. To the degree where she no longer questioned him or his choices or what he chose to do with her.
And what he chose to do with her became more and more intense over time, but she knew not to question it - and all the threads she read (by relative strangers on the internet) which celebrated internal enslavement seemed to encourage her (in her own mind, anyway) and left her feeling that she was doing the right thing.
So, when his growing intensity with her began actually causing her physical harm (she's actually quite lucky and sees this, in retrospect), such that she did need doctors, medication, and at times, neglected to go to the doctors when she should have, things began resonating within her that this can't be right, but she was too far enslaved to him to act on it. She was of the mindset that she was truly his property, and that all he did should be abided by. If he says it's fine, then it's fine. He became her entire purpose, and she honestly felt if he damaged her, then he'd have to deal with damaged property - she certainly wasn't going to stop him from doing what he was doing, because in her mind and heart, that would have been worse than any of the physical damage he did to her.
It wasn't until he had damaged her to the degree she was no longer enjoyable to him, that he let her go - poof, bye bye. She was devastated, to put it mildly, but decided to look at her life differently, and worked very hard to figure out who she was, what she wanted, and how to make better choices for herself going forward.
She changed her online name to NuevaVida, since she had chosen to create a new life for herself.
This process, from leaving to marriage until NuevaVida learned to love herself, forgive herself, and become accountable for herself (because she *does* hold herself accountable for past choices which resulted in physical and emotional damage), took many years. It was a long and very hard process, which has left her understanding that those "helpless waif" slaves, those "victims" in life, those girls that annoy the hell out of so many people, could very well be in the place she once was. They can't hold themselves accountable because they don't see it. There is no sense in becoming angry at them for where they are in their path, because she believes for whatever reason, they're exactly where they need to be, and that when they reach their own rock bottoms, as she had, they'll be in a position to make positive changes, like she did.
So my little epilogue here is that rather than write a bunch of posts about how stupid those people are, and how they deserve the bad things that happen to them, and how annoying they are, I hope for the best for them, and move my energy and focus onto people who look at the positive things in life, who put goodness out in the world, and who I can learn from.
Everyone fucks up. Everyone has had bad patterns in their lives. Nobody has reached the point of perfection. I happen to think that compassionately showing people healthier directions has a lot more benefit than kicking them while they are already down, or complaining to each other about them.
Yes, everyone has some level of responsibility for the positions they find themselves in. Not everyone sees it. Call me a dreamer (I don't mind) but I happen to think everyone is capable of seeing their own light and learning from it. My own experience has me believing that leading someone to discover their light is a much more effective way of changing things.
This post might feel relevant to some people, and stupid to others. I'm not even sure why I wrote it, other than it came out of me. For those who read it, thanks for taking the time.
My quick answer to the OP, after all that, is that all parties have a responsibility to themselves and each other, to act with good intent, to learn as much as they can about what they're doing, and to have their own and each other's well being in mind when playing.
Not sure I should post this, but what the heck. I'll stop typing now, and hit the "OK" button. [;)]
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