RE: Being outed or others knowing you are a sub/slave

Collarspace Discussion Forums

Home Login Search

RE: Being outed or others knowing you are a sub/slave

View related threads: (in this forum | in all forums)

Logged in as: Guest

All Forums >> [Community Discussions] >> Ask a Submissive >> RE: Being outed or others knowing you are a sub/slave

Page: << < prev 1 [2] 3 next > >>

Login

Message

<< Older Topic Newer Topic >>

RE: Being outed or others knowing you are a sub/slave - 8/14/2012 10:12:09 AM

LadyConstanze

Posts: 9722
Joined: 2/18/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: IrishMist

quote:

It can even be a bigger clusterfuck than you imagine it to be, and nope, it's not YOUR actions that determine the outcome

We will have to agree to disagree

Been there, darling, my reaction didn't change a thing, I was the one who had to deal with a family that was more than upset, I was the one who had to look for another job (yeah, I could have "toughed it out" and dealt with sniggers and forgoing promotions) and who ended up moving, just because some asshat couldn't deal with reaction. Do tell me how you can react if somebody mixes facts with fiction and decides to inform everybody he can anonymously? And yes, I did go to the police, didn't change a thing.

I hope you never have to experience it, but the problem usually is not that somebody lets slip that you're into BDSM, the problem is that the outing tends to be embellished and all of a sudden you do notice that your neighbours won't talk to you anymore, your coworkers act a bit funny and then you get called into the boss' office... Without getting into all the details, basically not much you can do because you have no idea what the "outer" has spread about you.

_____________________________

There are 10 kinds of people who understand binary
Those who do and those who don't!

http://exdomme.blogspot.com/2012/07/public-service-announcement.html

(in reply to IrishMist)

Post #: 21

RE: Being outed or others knowing you are a sub/slave - 8/14/2012 10:19:51 AM

OsideGirl

Posts: 14441
Joined: 7/1/2005
From: United States
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyConstanze

quote:

ORIGINAL: IrishMist

Being outed does not have to be the big clusterfuck that everyone assumes it will be. It's YOUR actions and reactions that determine the outcome, not theirs.

It can even be a bigger clusterfuck than you imagine it to be, and nope, it's not YOUR actions that determine the outcome, some of us might have family members who would react strongly, some might lose their jobs and their existence due to being outed (and "involvement in BDSM" is not something they give as a reason, all of a sudden things might just get a bit more difficult), depending where you live, you might not be able to move and your neighbors see fit to make your life miserable because you are one of those "freaks".

This is true. The company I used to work for had a morality clause. I could have been fired if outted and actually know someone that was fired when he was outted by his pissed off ex. (and that's in Los Angeles where you'd think it would be tolerated) She had printed out his online profile and mailed them to HR at his company. It took him over a year to find another job.

_____________________________

Give a girl the right shoes and she will conquer the world. ~ Marilyn Monroe

The Accelerated Velocity of Terminological Inexactitude

(in reply to LadyConstanze)

Post #: 22

RE: Being outed or others knowing you are a sub/slave - 8/14/2012 12:27:48 PM

kalikshama

Posts: 14805
Joined: 8/8/2010
Status: offline

I'm out to family and friends with whom I am close.

When I inadvertantly outed myself as a member of collarme at my last job, the ad guys assumed I was a Domme and trembled.

_____________________________

Curious about the "Sluts Vote" avatars? See http://www.collarchat.com/m_4133036/mpage_1/key_/tm.htm#4133036

(in reply to focalss)

Post #: 23

RE: Being outed or others knowing you are a sub/slave - 8/14/2012 12:42:59 PM

RemoteUser

Posts: 2854
Joined: 5/10/2011
Status: offline

My girl values her privacy and I respect that. That's the reason why I don't use her username, name, or even initial(s) whenever I talk about her here; likewise, I don't cite her by name on the other side. If she changed her position on that, I probably still wouldn't use it, but the point is she has her preferences.

On the flip side, when I'm in VanillaWorld I don't go bragging about having a Princess. Very few people know what I prefer, so while I might refer to her by her name in the Outer Realms, no one there needs to know what she's into, either. They know I have a girlfriend, and that I love her, and it's left at that.

_____________________________

There is nothing worse than being right. Instead of being right, then, try to be open. It is more difficult, and more rewarding.

(in reply to focalss)

Post #: 24

RE: Being outed or others knowing you are a sub/slave - 8/14/2012 2:26:39 PM

Winterapple

Posts: 1343
Joined: 8/19/2011
Status: offline

FR
Try to avoid having dicks for partners is a
good way to go but they don't ways show
their dickiness til after the break up.
I've known of some very spiteful exes
who behaved very badly.

It wouldn't effect my relationship with
my family, nothing could, we're an eclectic
group. But I would never want to do
anything that would cause my parents
embarrassment or hardship.

I had a fallout with a vanilla friend over it.
I have no desire to talk to vanilla friends
about it or in detail to kinky friends.

I've always kept my personal life out
of the workplace. I'm amazed at some
of the stuff reveal about their personal
lives to coworkers. I think there are some
mindsets that hear kinky and leap to
worships Satan, cooks meth and is
involved in international human trafficicking.
They might not could fire you for being
kinky outright but they could find another
reason to.

There was a recent story about a high school
teacher who was outer as a writer of erotica.
Some parents tried to get her fired and
the story and her real name made the local
news and was all over the Internet.
I don't believe she's been fired but she
probably had to hire a lawyer and had
her privacy invaded.

If you live in a smaller community it
could bring about unwanted attention
and even harassment. A woman could
be labeled a whore and a man the
neighborhood perv. So, there could be
real tangible consequences.

If it does happen I think you're best
served by biting the bullet and carrying
on. You can't collapse because of it.
You also shouldn't let the possibility of
of it happening keep you from living
your life. And remember if there's no
pics with distinguishing characteristics
it didn't happen. Not conclusively.

_____________________________

A thousand dreams within me softly burn.
Rimbaud

(in reply to RemoteUser)

Post #: 25

RE: Being outed or others knowing you are a sub/slave - 8/14/2012 4:48:57 PM

sunshinemiss

Posts: 17673
Joined: 11/26/2007
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyConstanze

quote:

ORIGINAL: IrishMist

quote:

It can even be a bigger clusterfuck than you imagine it to be, and nope, it's not YOUR actions that determine the outcome

We will have to agree to disagree

Been there, darling, my reaction didn't change a thing, I was the one who had to deal with a family that was more than upset, I was the one who had to look for another job (yeah, I could have "toughed it out" and dealt with sniggers and forgoing promotions) and who ended up moving, just because some asshat couldn't deal with reaction. Do tell me how you can react if somebody mixes facts with fiction and decides to inform everybody he can anonymously?

^^This.

It's not an agree to disagree thing. When one is harassed, abused, and slandered, when someone is actually victimized (and I don't use that word lightly) because of small minded bigoted people, then YES that is a clusterfuck. Not everyone has family and friends and co-workers who are of the live and let live mentality. Some people are active in their hatred. Some people really do want to harm other people. Sorry you think that burning someone's house down, destroying relationships, getting people fired are significant only because of the victim's reaction, but for me I think that being homeless, jobless, and disowned might be considered by some a clusterfuck - regardless of the victim's response.

best,
sunshine

_____________________________

Yes, I am a wonton hussy... and still sweet as 3.14

(in reply to LadyConstanze)

Post #: 26

RE: Being outed or others knowing you are a sub/slave - 8/15/2012 9:10:36 PM

Aswad

Posts: 9374
Joined: 4/4/2007
Status: offline

~fr~

I wouldn't out anyone that wanted to keep it private.

That being said, I've found my own life to be a lot simpler after I adopted an attitude of «this is me and y'all take it or leave it». There's a cost to it, but to me that seems more like the cost of a line of credit: the people in question are asshats one has been getting along with because of ignorance and/or lies. Knowing what you've got to work with and all that. For instance, Osidegirl doesn't really have a steady job, but the metaphoric line of credit hasn't defaulted yet. A wrong word in the wrong ear, though, and she may be screwed, maybe at the worst possible time. And the worst part is, the wrong word in this case is the truth. Divesting myself from such situations means I now get to avoid getting into one in the future.

Would you hide being gay/les/bi ?

IWYW,
— Aswad.

P.S.: Not criticizing you or anyone else, Osidegirl.

_____________________________

"If God saw what any of us did that night, he didn't seem to mind.
From then on I knew: God doesn't make the world this way.
We do." -- Rorschack, Watchmen.

(in reply to sunshinemiss)

Post #: 27

RE: Being outed or others knowing you are a sub/slave - 8/16/2012 7:47:05 AM

RaspberryLemon

Posts: 422
Joined: 7/18/2011
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Aswad

~fr~

I wouldn't out anyone that wanted to keep it private.

That being said, I've found my own life to be a lot simpler after I adopted an attitude of «this is me and y'all take it or leave it». There's a cost to it, but to me that seems more like the cost of a line of credit: the people in question are asshats one has been getting along with because of ignorance and/or lies. Knowing what you've got to work with and all that. For instance, Osidegirl doesn't really have a steady job, but the metaphoric line of credit hasn't defaulted yet. A wrong word in the wrong ear, though, and she may be screwed, maybe at the worst possible time. And the worst part is, the wrong word in this case is the truth. Divesting myself from such situations means I now get to avoid getting into one in the future.

Would you hide being gay/les/bi ?

IWYW,
— Aswad.

P.S.: Not criticizing you or anyone else, Osidegirl.

Gotta agree with this, it works well for me as well.

(in reply to Aswad)

Post #: 28

RE: Being outed or others knowing you are a sub/slave - 8/16/2012 8:10:16 AM

subbingincalif

Posts: 24
Joined: 8/13/2012
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: IrishMist

Being outed does not have to be the big clusterfuck that everyone assumes it will be. It's YOUR actions and reactions that determine the outcome, not theirs.

Not necessarily. There are many public-facing professions where having a BDSM sex life exposed can have significant consequences. School teachers and politicians are the two most obvious examples, but there are many others.

(in reply to IrishMist)

Post #: 29

RE: Being outed or others knowing you are a sub/slave - 8/16/2012 8:14:46 AM

subbingincalif

Posts: 24
Joined: 8/13/2012
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Aswad

Would you hide being gay/les/bi ?

The analogy doesn't work for me. If I were gay and hid it, that meant I couldn't interact with a partner in public and I would find that limiting to my life. BDSM is, for me, a private activity. I have no interest in public play or in exhibiting an overt BDSM dynamic in public, and I see no benefit or drawback in keeping my private stuff private.

(in reply to Aswad)

Post #: 30

RE: Being outed or others knowing you are a sub/slave - 8/16/2012 8:39:47 AM

OsideGirl

Posts: 14441
Joined: 7/1/2005
From: United States
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Aswad
Would you hide being gay/les/bi ?

Being gay, lesbian or bi wouldn't get me fired. Being kinky would.

Being gay, lesbian, or bi would be mildly upsetting to my mother, but she'd adapt. Being kinky would cause my mother distress. She would blame herself, feel guilty, spend immense amounts of time worrying about my mental health. I wouldn't do that to her.

_____________________________

Give a girl the right shoes and she will conquer the world. ~ Marilyn Monroe

The Accelerated Velocity of Terminological Inexactitude

(in reply to Aswad)

Post #: 31

RE: Being outed or others knowing you are a sub/slave - 8/16/2012 12:34:45 PM

littleone35

Posts: 2828
Joined: 2/17/2005
Status: offline

Not many ppl know i have a Master and am into BDSM. I have a circle of close girlfriends who know and that is all. My family does not know even though my sister noticed i did defer to him and teased me. My family just thinks he is my fiance and they like him so it is all good there. At my job being kinky if i was outed could cause me a lot of trouble. I mean i am a damn good teacher to the 3 and 4 year olds i teach. Some parents might be upse that a BDSMer was teacher their babies or what i was teaching them. it is stupid but some ppl fele that way.

Matt's littleone

(in reply to OsideGirl)

Post #: 32

RE: Being outed or others knowing you are a sub/slave - 8/16/2012 12:56:56 PM

Aswad

Posts: 9374
Joined: 4/4/2007
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: subbingincalif

BDSM is, for me, a private activity.

I believe the thread topic was sub/slave (relationship), not bottoming (activity), but I could be wrong.

Holding hands vs holding a leash isn't all that different, and I wouldn't consider either of the two to be public play.

IWYW,
— Aswad.

_____________________________

"If God saw what any of us did that night, he didn't seem to mind.
From then on I knew: God doesn't make the world this way.
We do." -- Rorschack, Watchmen.

(in reply to subbingincalif)

Post #: 33

RE: Being outed or others knowing you are a sub/slave - 8/16/2012 1:06:50 PM

Aswad

Posts: 9374
Joined: 4/4/2007
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: OsideGirl

Being gay, lesbian or bi wouldn't get me fired. Being kinky would.

Which raises the question: do you consider this state of affairs to be right and just?

quote:

Being gay, lesbian, or bi would be mildly upsetting to my mother, but she'd adapt. Being kinky would cause my mother distress. She would blame herself, feel guilty, spend immense amounts of time worrying about my mental health. I wouldn't do that to her.

You're right. You wouldn't do that to her. She would do that to herself.

Over the centuries lot of people have hidden their orientations, or lived a lie, for just the reasons you give.

I'm not sure it's all that healthy, but I want to be perfectly clear that I respect your choice and your motives, regardless.

IWYW,
— Aswad.

_____________________________

"If God saw what any of us did that night, he didn't seem to mind.
From then on I knew: God doesn't make the world this way.
We do." -- Rorschack, Watchmen.

(in reply to OsideGirl)

Post #: 34

RE: Being outed or others knowing you are a sub/slave - 8/16/2012 1:07:34 PM

GreedyTop

Posts: 52100
Joined: 5/2/2007
From: Savannah, GA
Status: offline

My MOm knows (no details, but she is aware that I have "unusual" appetites. My Dad had an idea. Many of my friends know, and quite a few suspect (based on the nodnodwinkwink jokes I get from them). At work, I doubt it would be an issue. My immediate boss and I have been friends for damn near 20 years. I kick ass at my job, and my sexuality/sex life/personal life is not an issue unless it interferes with my ability to do my job.

_____________________________

polysnortatious
Supreme Goddess of Snark
CHARTER MEMBER: Lance's Fag Hags!
Waiting for my madman in a Blue Box.

(in reply to Aswad)

Post #: 35

RE: Being outed or others knowing you are a sub/slave - 8/16/2012 1:16:30 PM

DaddySatyr

Posts: 9381
Joined: 8/29/2011
From: Pittston, Pennsyltucky
Status: offline

There's two issues here for me.

1) NO ONE has the right to "out" me to anyone else. That's a serious issue.

2) This is where the hedging comes in.

I don't know that people, knowing about my specific activities would be a huge negative but, the "stigma" of them hearing BDSM (for those that know what it stands for) would be a bit of a problem. It would require (for me) that I explain, in a bit of detail, just what it means to me because I, personally, don't indulge in a lot of the activities that seem to have been lumped under the umbrella of BDSM.

I stayed away from this lifestyle for years because the only people that I ever heard speaking about it out loud were misogynists and "broken" women. I don't think the general public truly understands it enough to not be shocked by the mere weight of the words/letters.

Peace and comfort,

Michael

_____________________________

A Stone in My Shoe

Screen captures (and pissing on shadows) still RULE! Ya feel me?

"For that which I love, I will do horrible things"

(in reply to GreedyTop)

Post #: 36

RE: Being outed or others knowing you are a sub/slave - 8/16/2012 1:18:55 PM

GreedyTop

Posts: 52100
Joined: 5/2/2007
From: Savannah, GA
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: DaddySatyr

I stayed away from this lifestyle for years because the only people that I ever heard speaking about it out loud were misogynists and "broken" women. I don't think the general public truly understands it enough to not be shocked by the mere weight of the words/letters.

and, IMO, 50 Shades is NOT helping, either...

_____________________________

polysnortatious
Supreme Goddess of Snark
CHARTER MEMBER: Lance's Fag Hags!
Waiting for my madman in a Blue Box.

(in reply to DaddySatyr)

Post #: 37

RE: Being outed or others knowing you are a sub/slave - 8/16/2012 1:20:34 PM

OsideGirl

Posts: 14441
Joined: 7/1/2005
From: United States
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Aswad

quote:

ORIGINAL: OsideGirl

Being gay, lesbian or bi wouldn't get me fired. Being kinky would.

Which raises the question: do you consider this state of affairs to be right and just?

As an employer, I personally don't care if you have sex while hanging from the chandelier while making monkey noises....as long as it's between consenting adults.

As for being an employee, many companies have morality clauses that have to signed when you're hired. I consider having a roof over my head to be far more important than displaying my sexuality. (Even when I was vanilla, I viewed that as nobodies business)

quote:

Being gay, lesbian, or bi would be mildly upsetting to my mother, but she'd adapt. Being kinky would cause my mother distress. She would blame herself, feel guilty, spend immense amounts of time worrying about my mental health. I wouldn't do that to her.

quote:

You're right. You wouldn't do that to her. She would do that to herself.

Not really since I'd deliberately doing something that I know would upset her. I come from a background that believes that what happens in the bedroom is no one else's business. So, really there'd be no reason to tell her. I wouldn't show her pictures of dead kittens for the same reason.

quote:

Over the centuries lot of people have hidden their orientations, or lived a lie, for just the reasons you give.

I'm not sure it's all that healthy, but I want to be perfectly clear that I respect your choice and your motives, regardless.

IWYW,
— Aswad.

I don't live a lie and I don't necessarily hide it. I defer to him, it's obvious to everybody. The details are nobody's business and I don't flaunt those details just for the sake of flaunting them or for shock factor.

< Message edited by OsideGirl -- 8/16/2012 1:23:07 PM >

_____________________________

Give a girl the right shoes and she will conquer the world. ~ Marilyn Monroe

The Accelerated Velocity of Terminological Inexactitude

(in reply to Aswad)

Post #: 38

RE: Being outed or others knowing you are a sub/slave - 8/16/2012 1:22:42 PM

DaddySatyr

Posts: 9381
Joined: 8/29/2011
From: Pittston, Pennsyltucky
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: GreedyTop
and, IMO, 50 Shades is NOT helping, either...

That's interesting. I just happened to catch the actress from Breakfast Club and Sixteen Candles, doing an interview, today.

She was asked about that book (she's an author, now) and she said that she was "horrified that women would need men to take care of them, that way. I just wasn't raised that way."

Her focus wasn't on the sex/kink (which I thought was very interesting) but on the dynamic and she seemed to have a serious issue with WIIWD.

I always thought she was a skinny, buck-toothed, ditz, anyway.

Peace and comfort,

Michael

_____________________________

A Stone in My Shoe

Screen captures (and pissing on shadows) still RULE! Ya feel me?

"For that which I love, I will do horrible things"

(in reply to GreedyTop)

Post #: 39

RE: Being outed or others knowing you are a sub/slave - 8/16/2012 1:26:14 PM

GreedyTop

Posts: 52100
Joined: 5/2/2007
From: Savannah, GA
Status: offline

or, she's of the age in which many women were brought up to be self-sufficient and NOT to need men that way.

I was thinking more along the lines of Suzy STepford.

dammit, I know I am probably not being clear on what I mean... TIRED, not sleepy. It fucks with my head, yes it does.

_____________________________

polysnortatious
Supreme Goddess of Snark
CHARTER MEMBER: Lance's Fag Hags!
Waiting for my madman in a Blue Box.

(in reply to DaddySatyr)

Post #: 40

Page: << < prev 1 [2] 3 next > >>

All Forums >> [Community Discussions] >> Ask a Submissive >> RE: Being outed or others knowing you are a sub/slave

Page: << < prev 1 [2] 3 next > >>

Jump to:

New Messages	No New Messages
Hot Topic w/ New Messages	Hot Topic w/o New Messages
Locked w/ New Messages	Locked w/o New Messages

Post New Thread

Reply to Message

Post New Poll

Submit Vote

Delete My Own Post

Delete My Own Thread

Rate Posts

Collarchat.com © 2025

Terms of Service

0.113