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RE: Minefield - 8/17/2012 4:27:27 PM

Lucifyre

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Thank you KoM for bringing up this topic and explaining yours first so well.

I also have triggers. So far there are only two, but they are both exteemely sensative with me and Mr fortunately knows about both of them. One of them I have previously discussed a little bit here on the boards and would rather not describe it again. The other one is having someone put thier arm or hand around my throat. Early on in our relationship Mr did it accidentally, he was sleeping, rolled over and put His arm over me and it landed right across my neck. I went into an immediate panic attack, hyperventilating, crying hysterically...the whole works. He has never put His arm or hand anywhere near my throat again. (His lips, yes, lots of times...that's a GOOD trigger for me hehe)
Fortunately, I know exactly where and why I have the two triggers I have and I've known this for a lot longer than Mr has been in my life. I am also lucky enough to know very well what they are and what caused them. It took almost 20 years for me to push myself past the one trigger with Mr and the ability to do that has to do with how much I trust in Him and His love for me. It has taken allmost al of our strength for me to have the ability to overcome it. The second one, I am still not past. I may never get past it.
Mr is very understanding of this and never ever questions either of them, even when I revert back with the first one, He just accepts that it is what it is, it may be a lifetime thing and He moves on.

Every day I know what a lucky girl I am to have Him in my life. I tell Him every day how lucky I feel.

Lucifyre

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Post #: 21

RE: Minefield - 8/18/2012 12:21:35 AM

Toppingfrmbottom

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Daddy sometimes thinks its funny to hit my ass randomly really hard or harder than I like or want to handle during sexy time, and oh boy it makes me so mad.

< Message edited by Toppingfrmbottom -- 8/18/2012 12:40:56 AM >

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Post #: 22

RE: Minefield - 8/18/2012 5:06:08 PM

DesFIP

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I've had a lot of therapy but the emotional triggers still exist. PTSD isn't really curable through talk therapy.

You treat them like any other medical condition. You don't do things to make them sicker. Just like you wouldn't force feed sugar to a diabetic, or do starvation play with them either, you don't do things that cause an episode of panic attacks.

So he's never going to use a duct tape gag on me. If this was his favorite thing ever, we wouldn't be with each other. But it's just one of those things you need to talk about before you sign up. To make sure you're compatible.

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Post #: 23

RE: Minefield - 8/18/2012 6:10:56 PM

SpaceSpank

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quote:

ORIGINAL: needlesandpins
'but it's only me' was his answer. he thought that made it all alright. he continued to say that like i should just get over it.

I can't even begin to say how much I loathe this attitude. There are many things which people have issues with. Some are not so big a deal, others are. But if you try brute force them into being acceptable... you are much more likely to turn it into a lifelong issue that is probably not going to go away.

People need to realize if they can't understand why it's an issue then they have no place doing anything but accept that it's there. Even if you can relate, it's still not your job to fix it if it's a trigger.

< Message edited by SpaceSpank -- 8/18/2012 6:12:52 PM >

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Post #: 24

RE: Minefield - 8/19/2012 12:38:50 AM

Thaz

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Joined: 4/28/2012
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Most people have these trip wires somewhere. Most people avoid going to a place that might trigger them. We inhabitants of Kinkland are _much_ more likely to trip over each others wires.

Tread with Caution:- Here be Dragons.

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Post #: 25

RE: Minefield - 8/19/2012 5:02:49 AM

RaspberryLemon

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First I want to say thank you to everyone for sharing their experiences. NuevaVida, your post literally moved me to tears.

I do have certain triggers. It's unfortunate when a mine gets trodden on, but the way that it gets handled from then on--like others have said--can really shape things and bring people closer together.

For example: for me, although I absolutely love swimming, snorkeling, etc. I absolutely cannot have someone dunk me underwater. I freak out and I panic. When I was little I almost drowned in some ocean currents that were too strong for me to fight against. Since then, even getting playfully splashed with water (in the face--anywhere else is just fine) is uncomfortable and a bit scary. I can go underwater but I cannot get it in my nose or throat at all, and I can't have anything preventing me from surfacing. If I am going to submerge my head in water I always need to prepare for it. Being dunked or held underwater is absolutely horrifying and traumatic for me.

Unfortunately this isn't something that came to mind to warn him about, so my Master happened upon this one accidentally. I'm fine with wrestling and being held down by him, I love it and he knows that. So, at the pool one day a few years ago he was playing around and decided it'd be fun to do some roughhousing in the water with me. All fine and dandy until he picked me up and threw me into the water, dunking me, and held me underwater for a moment while I struggled. He is much bigger and stronger than me and so I couldn't get up until he let me. It was terrifying for me. I was choking and panicking and thrashing and he had no idea what it was doing to me until he let me up and saw that I was really freaking out and crying.

I wasn't angry with him (it was my fault for not remembering to tell him about this--how could he have known?) but I was very shaken. He held me and comforted me and it took a while to calm me down. I explained to him that I can't handle getting dunked and why, and asked him not to do that or splash water in my face in the future. He was very understanding about it and apologized for accidentally putting me through that. Since then, he's been very mindful of that and been careful to avoid it. He grew up playing rough like that in the water and loves it but not once has he asked me to "get over it." He is supportive and understanding of this and other triggers/mines and I'm very thankful to have him in my life.

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Post #: 26

RE: Minefield - 8/19/2012 8:09:43 AM

sunshinemiss

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K of M is a rock for his two lovely ladies.
Kana is a rock for LW.
Jeff is a rock for Carol.

Can someone point me to the Rock Store?

signed,
Seaweed Sunshine

< Message edited by sunshinemiss -- 8/19/2012 8:13:39 AM >

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Post #: 27

RE: Minefield - 8/19/2012 8:15:20 AM

LadyHibiscus

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I'm the Utility Rock and Lighthouse, Sunny...

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Post #: 28

RE: Minefield - 8/19/2012 8:20:35 AM

sunshinemiss

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Rock on, Hib.

< Message edited by sunshinemiss -- 8/19/2012 8:21:19 AM >

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Post #: 29

RE: Minefield - 8/19/2012 8:31:53 AM

Lucifyre

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Joined: 3/27/2012
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quote:

ORIGINAL: sunshinemiss

K of M is a rock for his two lovely ladies.
Kana is a rock for LW.
Jeff is a rock for Carol.

Can someone point me to the Rock Store?

signed,
Seaweed Sunshine

<--- has rock, was taught to play nice and share ;)

Lucifyre

_____________________________

"Batteries? OMG, Bitch Please! My Shit plugs in!"
I do this because it fucking feels good.
I like girls who like girls
The thing about standards is: There are SO many to choose from.

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Post #: 30

RE: Minefield - 8/19/2012 10:08:57 AM

NuevaVida

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RaspberryLemon: I totally understand not thinking to tell him about certain landmines. When they don't come up in day to day life, they're just not in our consciousness. It's not like when we were getting to know each other, we had a written checklist of all our emotional triggers.

We have a joke between us now, when we trip upon something that causes a strong reaction like that - "That wasn't in your profile!" Ha.

A couple of weeks ago I brought something up to him that *He* reacted surprisingly strongly to. It surprised me, how negatively he was responding. So I smiled and said "Ohhhhh this is one of YOUR triggers, isn't it??" And I immediately pulled back and we talked through it.

I think everyone runs the risk of emotional triggers - even those who lead us.

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Post #: 31

RE: Minefield - 8/19/2012 10:29:02 AM

ChatteParfaitt

Posts: 6562
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From: The t'aint of the Midwest -- Indiana
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Using FR:

Sometimes we don't know they are a landmine until "after" they have been tripped. They can be sneaky that way.

Hard to have an upfront discussion about a landmine your conscious mind does not know exists.

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Post #: 32

RE: Minefield - 8/19/2012 10:50:19 AM

NuevaVida

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quote:

ORIGINAL: ChatteParfaitt

Using FR:

Sometimes we don't know they are a landmine until "after" they have been tripped. They can be sneaky that way.

Hard to have an upfront discussion about a landmine your conscious mind does not know exists.

Exactly! Sometimes we turn around and say "What the fuck was THAT??!!" Can't really list those out, till you get to 'em.

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Post #: 33

RE: Minefield - 8/19/2012 3:00:47 PM

ARIES83

Posts: 3648
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I duno how everyone else looks at it, but
if someone tried to mess with me like that,
I would probably rip them a new hole,
dunking may be playful.
To me "holding under" is not and will result
in a broken nose for the holder if it's a guy...

-ARIES

< Message edited by ARIES83 -- 8/19/2012 3:02:45 PM >

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Post #: 34

RE: Minefield - 8/19/2012 4:34:04 PM

sunshinemiss

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I do want to add one little caveat... An irritation is not a minefield. I've been in situations where people felt a need to tell me their little idiosyncracies. "Please don't call this group of people 'brothers and sisters' because it reminds me of when I was a fundamentalist Christian and that was a bad time in my life." Really? Well I LIKE it because it means that I love the people, and my love trumps your reminder. Work it out on someone else.

From the notes above, it doesn't seem to be an issue for the folks who've posted, but it can be an issue. Sadly, I've had that particular disease myself and like to think I've been innoculated ... or maybe it's just in remission.

So lemme tell you all my troubles...

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Post #: 35

RE: Minefield - 8/19/2012 6:10:57 PM

CRYPTICLXVI

Posts: 3907
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The exsub was one continuous minefield. You cannot help anyone to walk through their minefield, to disarm their tripwires if they are not willing to go through it and then let go. It is one thing to recognize what the tripwires/minefields are but if it has become such an integral part of their personality, no amount of strength, consistency, understanding will help.

That is the hardest part, watching someone state over and over how they have gone through all of this, how they have forgiven all the transgressions done upon them and recognize after time that the same shit is picked up, examined, stared at, presented over and over. It goes from an understanding to an obsession... identity which is held onto tightly, cloaking everything within, coloring everything with "martyr". The only difference is that the early Christian martyrs only had to die once but in this type of emotional torture, you get to watch the other person die over and over...

I know that there is some shit that I personally have never dealt with, the primary one was the juncture when my father died. That single incident colored many aspects of my development and errors in judgment as an adult. But it has gone from an angst ridden banshee howling through my soul to a rarely heard, dull whisper. Though it is still one of the only things which can still shake me to my core and actually bring tears. I am no longer self-destructive, hellbent on a nihilistic path... but I recognize where it has tempered my sense of self, where it has held me back and where it is still an open wound at times.

This is different than being with someone who not only relives past episodes of abuse and pain but also continues to dwell upon them and actually recreates their personal narrative in such a way that members of her own family who were there do not even recognize her past. To point to others and state that they are not dealing with the damage, the pain, the abuse... and coming to realize that perhaps the only single factor that ties it all together is her own creation of pain.

Not that I would know a good gaddamn about anything I just typed... ignore me, I am sitting in the corner with the squirrel on this one.

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Post #: 36

RE: Minefield - 8/19/2012 8:39:24 PM

KnightofMists

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quote:

ORIGINAL: ChatteParfaitt

Using FR:

Sometimes we don't know they are a landmine until "after" they have been tripped. They can be sneaky that way.

Hard to have an upfront discussion about a landmine your conscious mind does not know exists.

I know for the most part most the landminds I discovered with Alandra have been with any preamble or for warning. Yes, I knew she suffer abuse as a child and also knew that she found incredible courage as a young teenage to stop it. But t wasn't like she came with a map through the mindfield. The best we had is we are in a mindfield anytime we are physically intimate. In essense, you build your own map. This largely because I was the first siginicant and only male partner since she was seventeen. Kyra came to me with her own mindfield and largely her own map as well. Big difference in starting a relationship entering adulthood as compared to well into it. But there is still surprises. I remember when I first paddled Kyra. She had a complete meltdown.

Maybe it is the sadist in me or what these experiences ended up being for us and our relationship. But I have savored this moments of surprise stepping on those mindfields in the past. In the end they have been rewarding experiences.

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An Optimal relationship is achieved when the individuals do what is best for themselves and their relationship.

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Post #: 37

RE: Minefield - 8/20/2012 3:09:56 AM

RaspberryLemon

Posts: 422
Joined: 7/18/2011
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quote:

ORIGINAL: ARIES83
I duno how everyone else looks at it, but
if someone tried to mess with me like that,
I would probably rip them a new hole,
dunking may be playful.
To me "holding under" is not and will result
in a broken nose for the holder if it's a guy...

-ARIES

Yeah, it definitely didn't feel playful to me! But I knew his intentions were innocent and he was used to messing around with people like that who didn't mind it, so I wasn't angry or upset with him. Just had to calm down and come to and understanding with him afterward.

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Post #: 38

RE: Minefield - 8/20/2012 7:00:48 AM

JeffBC

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And don't forget. I've also been accused of being as dumb as a rock. I'm a multi-purpose rock.

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Post #: 39

RE: Minefield - 8/20/2012 7:02:58 AM

mnottertail

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quote:

ORIGINAL: JeffBC

And don't forget. I've also been accused of being as dumb as a rock. I'm a multi-purpose rock.

Jeff, when someone tells you, 'You rock!' Uhhhhhhh, that's not an accusation, buddy.

Ron

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Post #: 40

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