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What is your (your dominants) style of dominance ? - 8/20/2012 1:42:09 PM   
Karnikula


Posts: 55
Joined: 7/21/2012
Status: offline 		How do you (does your dom) get what you(he) want(s) ?


bonus question:
Is there a necessity of a complementary submissive partner who fit with their own style of submission?
Or is "being submissive" enough to work with ANY kind of dominance ?

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RE: What is your (your dominants) style of dominance ? - 8/20/2012 1:54:35 PM   
littlewonder


Posts: 15659
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Karnikula

How do you (does your dom) get what you(he) want(s) ?


bonus question:
Is there a necessity of a complementary submissive partner who fit with their own style of submission?
Or is "being submissive" enough to work with ANY kind of dominance ?


He tells me. I do it. Yes, it really is that simple. Not complicated one tiny bit. He doesn't need to boss me around. He doesn't need to drag and hit me or anything else. He says. I do.

Being submissive does not mean you will work with any kind of dominance. Just like finding a "vanilla" partner isn't going to work with just any kind of "vanilla".

Sorry, but this just sounds like such a ridiculous question.


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RE: What is your (your dominants) style of dominance ? - 8/20/2012 2:06:12 PM   
JeffBC


Posts: 5799
Joined: 2/12/2012
From: Canada
Status: offline 		I wouldn't go as far as LW's "ridiculous" but it's a bit unfocused. I get that though. I understand you're trying to understand D/s and even unfocused questions can yield surprising results. So I'll give it a go.

At the surface level, I tell her to do shit and she does. The real question is why?

For Carol, half of it just goes into the "because she prefers to defer" category. Another way to say that is she just doesn't care all that much about a lot of things and would rather have someone else choose between Bob's needs, Mary's needs, and Carol's needs. She also finds safety and security in lining up behind other people and not being on the pointy end of the stick.

But then there's the other half. I'd say it is some combination of the love, respect, and trust she has for me and just flat out dominance. Of the two of those, the raw dominance is what allows me to be the leader at all but it is less significant in terms of overall motivation. "The eye" only gets you so far.

I think there's an arguable case for me "enloving" Carol more than "enslaving" her.

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RE: What is your (your dominants) style of dominance ? - 8/20/2012 2:08:09 PM   
ARIES83


Posts: 3648
Status: offline 		Hmmm I think everyone would have a
unique style, You may have to narrow it
down a bit, as for the bonus part...

I think a sub would need to answer this,
but I will say that I pride myself on being
able to break down a subs defences to
expose their docile, submissive, gooey
insides.

Not sure that answered anything...

-ARIES

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RE: What is your (your dominants) style of dominance ? - 8/20/2012 2:08:48 PM   
LaTigresse


Posts: 26123
Joined: 1/15/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Karnikula

How do you (does your dom) get what you(he) want(s) ?


bonus question:
Is there a necessity of a complementary submissive partner who fit with their own style of submission?
Or is "being submissive" enough to work with ANY kind of dominance ?



How do I get what I want? I ask for it.

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RE: What is your (your dominants) style of dominance ? - 8/20/2012 2:13:13 PM   
Karnikula


Posts: 55
Joined: 7/21/2012
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: JeffBC

I wouldn't go as far as LW's "ridiculous" but it's a bit unfocused. I get that though. I understand you're trying to understand D/s and even unfocused questions can yield surprising results. So I'll give it a go.

At the surface level, I tell her to do shit and she does. The real question is why?

For Carol, half of it just goes into the "because she prefers to defer" category. Another way to say that is she just doesn't care all that much about a lot of things and would rather have someone else choose between Bob's needs, Mary's needs, and Carol's needs. She also finds safety and security in lining up behind other people and not being on the pointy end of the stick.

But then there's the other half. I'd say it is some combination of the love, respect, and trust she has for me and just flat out dominance. Of the two of those, the raw dominance is what allows me to be the leader at all but it is less significant in terms of overall motivation. "The eye" only gets you so far.

I think there's an arguable case for me "enloving" Carol more than "enslaving" her.


When you set a goal for yourself and carol, how do you achieve it?

quote:


I think a sub would need to answer this,
but I will say that I pride myself on being
able to break down a subs defences to
expose their docile, submissive, gooey
insides.

Not sure that answered anything...


My favourite answer till now, closest to what I'm asking for, that I'd consider is a style of dominance.
How do you break down subs defenses? (generally, not individually)

< Message edited by Karnikula -- 8/20/2012 2:14:25 PM >

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RE: What is your (your dominants) style of dominance ? - 8/20/2012 2:13:51 PM   
kitkat105


Posts: 1690
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From: Eating dutch crunch in the Silicon Valley
Status: offline 		He's pretty hard to resist.

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RE: What is your (your dominants) style of dominance ? - 8/20/2012 2:15:06 PM   
myotherself


Posts: 7157
Joined: 3/9/2006
From: The cold bit of the UK
Status: offline 		he gets what he wants because he has proved to me over and over again that he is the kind of man I want to defer to.

I have dated other dominants, he has dated other submissives, and neither of us has experienced the depth of M/s that we have with each other.

Mostly I think it's because we are compatible as people. The fact that our kinks match so closely just makes it all the better.

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RE: What is your (your dominants) style of dominance ? - 8/20/2012 2:35:01 PM   
LadyHibiscus


Posts: 27124
Joined: 8/15/2005
From: Island Of Misfit Toys
Status: offline 		I have the Hib Style of dominance. Which is not suited to everyone, but works fine for me.

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RE: What is your (your dominants) style of dominance ? - 8/20/2012 2:36:15 PM   
RumpusParable


Posts: 1923
Joined: 7/7/2005
From: NYC now!
Status: offline 		With some I'm warm, soft, caring. Other's I'm aloof, demanding, imperious.

I find partners for each style.

No, not everyone is compatible with everyone. That seems a really stupid question.

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RE: What is your (your dominants) style of dominance ? - 8/20/2012 2:47:05 PM   
TimeLimited


Posts: 1095
Joined: 7/4/2012
Status: offline 		Most of it is TRUST. A sub must TRUST what I order is doable, safe and will not endanger her mentally or physically. It's all part of SSC.
Sometimes, it's the Pandora Box game. Get her curiosity up and she may be game for something new.
Sometimes it's a straight forward I say, she does; but it is more fun to have her chase after it or beg for it and pout if it does not happen immediately.

Punishments can be the same way. One of my most effective punishments is to forbid her shaving for a few days. The itch that comes naturally is a constant reminder she did something amiss. Combine that with no play or self gratification for a week and the following weekend is often fantastic.

Bonus: submissive's cooperation vary in quality. If the TRUST has simmered enough, she does most anything asked or ordered because she is comfortable the DOM's range of orders and requests are in a range she has become comfortable in. When limits are being pushed, they are just over the bases and not out to the homerun fence.
If TRUST is still on the front burner, more questions and concerns will show.

< Message edited by TimeLimited -- 8/20/2012 2:48:43 PM >

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RE: What is your (your dominants) style of dominance ? - 8/20/2012 3:01:19 PM   
JeffBC


Posts: 5799
Joined: 2/12/2012
From: Canada
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Karnikula
When you set a goal for yourself and carol, how do you achieve it?

I tell her what our new joint goal is. I work her through any misgivings she has about said goal. Then we set about making it happen. To me, at least, the "how" part is trivial if you're talking about AFTER the enslavement has occurred. I have never broken down any defenses of Carol's... nor would I ever choose to do so. Nor can I really think of anything along those lines I'd do with someone in an intimate relationship. For us, it's more like, "Hey, aren't I a good and credible leader? Glad you think so. Line up and let's get going."

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I'm a lover of "what is", not because I'm a spiritual person, but because it hurts when I argue with reality. -- Bryon Katie
"You're humbly arrogant" -- sunshinemiss
officially a member of the K Crowd

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RE: What is your (your dominants) style of dominance ? - 8/20/2012 3:01:44 PM   
ChatteParfaitt


Posts: 6562
Joined: 3/22/2011
From: The t'aint of the Midwest -- Indiana
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Karnikula

How do you (does your dom) get what you(he) want(s) ? He asks.


bonus question:
Is there a necessity of a complementary submissive partner who fit with their own style of submission? Of course, Doh.
Or is "being submissive" enough to work with ANY kind of dominance ? Of course not, Doh. Haven't you learned anything, yet?


Another set of massively ignorant questions that have me wondering why you are asking. Are you writing a paper or an article?




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RE: What is your (your dominants) style of dominance ? - 8/20/2012 3:08:55 PM   
JeffBC


Posts: 5799
Joined: 2/12/2012
From: Canada
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: ChatteParfaitt
Another set of massively ignorant questions that have me wondering why you are asking. Are you writing a paper or an article?

I happen to know this since he and I have chatted a lot on Fet. He's not writing a paper and he is "massively ignorant". My assessment is that you have a young-ish and inquisitive mind chewing away at this much in the same way he might a term paper. I think he's trying to analytically deconstruct D/s. I can sympathize. I tried that also in the beginning. At least for me, I came to an answer similar to the one I came to with "chemistry" -- that being it's too complex to deconsruct in this way.

I think that the D/s negotiation happens (not the intellectual verbal one, the more primal non-verbal one) taking into account a wide variety of other highly complex topics like someone's "strength of will" and their "charisma" and their "trustworthiness". I think every dominant brings their own secret sauce to the party and it either works or it does not on any particular individual in a given situation.


_____________________________

I'm a lover of "what is", not because I'm a spiritual person, but because it hurts when I argue with reality. -- Bryon Katie
"You're humbly arrogant" -- sunshinemiss
officially a member of the K Crowd

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RE: What is your (your dominants) style of dominance ? - 8/20/2012 3:10:04 PM   
LadyPact


Posts: 32566
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Karnikula

How do you (does your dom) get what you(he) want(s) ?


bonus question:
Is there a necessity of a complementary submissive partner who fit with their own style of submission?
Or is "being submissive" enough to work with ANY kind of dominance ?

Hon, I try to be really patient with you because I understand that you are young and inexperienced as far as having an authority dynamic of your own, but you're really reaching here.

How do I get what I want? The way most people should make the attempt. I open My mouth and communicate. See, I'm supposed to be the one in charge around here, so that's kind of common sense.

No, "being submissive" doesn't work with every kind of Dominance. There are some damn fine submissives around here who would NEVER be compatible with Me. For example, My style is obedience based. I would never work with a submissive who does best with emotional transparency.

Now, My question back to you. Are you getting out to your local kink community and learning about the way other people's dynamics work? You're going to learn far more that way than asking poorly phrased questions on a message board.


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RE: What is your (your dominants) style of dominance ? - 8/20/2012 3:24:33 PM   
JeffBC


Posts: 5799
Joined: 2/12/2012
From: Canada
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyPact
Now, My question back to you. Are you getting out to your local kink community and learning about the way other people's dynamics work? You're going to learn far more that way than asking poorly phrased questions on a message board.

I'll second this. All the theory in the world still needs to be tied back to the real world at some point or it's just philosophy. For my own self, I frequently find an hour or two in someone's living room to be way more illuminating than 2 months of posting back and forth with them. Most recently, my own "culture of victimhood" concerns. A quick question to someone I trusted in the community I was most immediately interested in (my local one) and I got what I needed. In real life, nuance can be observed and communicated so much more readily. Here it's hard to get past broad brush strokes.

_____________________________

I'm a lover of "what is", not because I'm a spiritual person, but because it hurts when I argue with reality. -- Bryon Katie
"You're humbly arrogant" -- sunshinemiss
officially a member of the K Crowd

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RE: What is your (your dominants) style of dominance ? - 8/20/2012 3:27:45 PM   
ARIES83


Posts: 3648
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Karnikula

quote:

ORIGINAL: ARIES83
I think a sub would need to answer this,
but I will say that I pride myself on being
able to break down a subs defences to
expose their docile, submissive, gooey
insides.

Not sure that answered anything...


My favourite answer till now, closest to what I'm asking for, that I'd consider is a style of dominance.
How do you break down subs defenses? (generally, not individually)


Hmm generally, when dealing with breaking
down the emotional/physical barriers that
everyone has when entering into a new
relationship, I'd say it's the same as every
relationship, you have to have experience,
understanding, you have to know when to be
push and when to be gentle ect...
If you don't have those even with all the
advice in the world you will still only be
muddling through in the dark.

"Generally" I be my myself, (check out my
profile, that's what I do.) yes I have
methods and techniques but none of
which are general, if you tell me what
specifically you are trying to achieve then
I might be able to tell you what I'd do to
work it out.

-ARIES


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RE: What is your (your dominants) style of dominance ? - 8/20/2012 3:34:42 PM   
crazyml


Posts: 5568
Joined: 7/3/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Karnikula

How do you (does your dom) get what you(he) want(s) ?


This one is a piece of piss.

The trick is to find a sub who really wants to give you what you want.

I also have a "twinkle" that I unleash, albeit sparingly.

quote:



bonus question:
Is there a necessity of a complementary submissive partner who fit with their own style of submission?
Or is "being submissive" enough to work with ANY kind of dominance ?


I think there are some sub souls out there who would submit to pretty much ANY kind of dominance... but... where's the fucking fun in that?

If you're after a functional, mutually beneficial, long term relationship then both people's needs/wants need to be complimented by the other.


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RE: What is your (your dominants) style of dominance ? - 8/20/2012 3:45:06 PM   
Karnikula


Posts: 55
Joined: 7/21/2012
Status: offline 		So the general consensus is "ask --> do" but yet it's glaringly obvious that "not all submissives work with all dominants."

How did you establish an "ask --> do" relationship with your partner ?
Why did it turn out to be that specific way ?
In what manner did you aquire each others trust ?

These are individual, not general questions, if you can give different accounts to different relationships they are very welcome.


Edit: Since so many people seem to be very interested in background on me and my reason for asking these questions:
- I'm not writing a paper.
- I'm asking out of pure personal interest in the hope that there's some people who don't mind sharing their experience with me.
- I have, in fact, joined the local community.

< Message edited by Karnikula -- 8/20/2012 3:49:16 PM >

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RE: What is your (your dominants) style of dominance ? - 8/20/2012 3:47:37 PM   
littlewonder


Posts: 15659
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Karnikula

So the general consensus is "ask --> do" but yet it's glaringly obvious that "not all submissives work with all dominants."

How did you establish an "ask --> do" relationship with your partner ?
Why did it turn out to be that specific way ?
In what manner did you aquire each others trust ?

These are individual, not general questions, if you can give different accounts to different relationships they are very welcome.


I'm his slave. I'm submissive. We never talked about it. It just was this way from the beginning. I don't like having to question everything. I don't like having to argue. I don't like any kind of chaos or disturbance in my life so this is rather easy for me.

The same way you acquire it with anyone....watch, listen, if their actions match their words. He's simply never gave me a single reason to ever doubt or distrust him. His actions always match his words.


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