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RE: Adult entertainment career and effects - 8/20/2012 11:47:31 PM   
angelikaJ


Posts: 8641
Joined: 6/22/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: displeased

Her boyfriend is seeking a government job. Usually with government jobs you must have a squeaky clean record and life or otherwise you are succumbing the department and your position into a scandal. This is my concern. As for her, she has no goals in life other than one day to get married. I am hoping, however, that she finds something in life that will keep her settled and stable and think more seriously about her future. I know most others on here don't seem to think there's anything wrong with this apparently but I live in a very conservative place and something like this is not accepted.

But thank you all for your responses and views.


Take a deep breath and another.

Remember that they are both adults and if this blows up on him, it really will not be your daughter's fault.

"Something like this" might not be "accepted" where you are from but, really, in the scheme of things, does that matter?
She is your daughter.

She found a way of making money that does not involve being modest.

Your daughter caught you off guard, you answered in such a way that your disapproval registered loud and clear.
Now it is time to do damage control.

Your daughter will speak to you again if you can convey that you were concerned and not disappointed in her.

But you are going to have to wrap your head around the facts:
You didn't fail your daughter in some way.
Your daughter isn't failing you.

And until you (over)reacted your daughter must have thought the 2 of you had an amazing relationship to tell you that.

Now your relationship isn't what she thought it was.
Fix it.

(and don't mention the risk to boyfriend's job again.)

Edit to add: Please remember, you are in a power-exchange relationship.
To many people in society at large, that would be more "unconventional" than stripping.


< Message edited by angelikaJ -- 8/20/2012 11:52:37 PM >

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Profile   Post #: 21
RE: Adult entertainment career and effects - 8/20/2012 11:52:09 PM   
displeased


Posts: 10
Joined: 8/20/2012
Status: offline 		She has always been up front and honest with me about everything. She called me a few days ago out of the blue and told me she had something to tell me and she knew I would not be happy about it. The never speaking to me again happened today when I tried to have a rational conversation with her and asking if she would meet me for lunch or dinner to discuss it. At this point she said that if I had something to say then to say it on the phone. It was at that point that she said she does not wish to speak to me because I was not being open minded and I'm just not up with modern times and I'm just old.

Our relationship has been rocky off and on when she was younger but as an adult we had moved past all of it for the most part and I thought she was moving on with her life in a good way. This was a complete shock and blow to me. It was out of nowhere. I am not involved in her finances in any way so while I can tell her all I want about taxes and such she will just shut me off and tell me it's not my business and to leave her alone.

Yes you are right that there is nothing more I can do except wait it out. It's like watching a train wreck and not being able to do anything about it.

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Profile   Post #: 22
RE: Adult entertainment career and effects - 8/21/2012 12:05:18 AM   
LadyPact


Posts: 32566
Status: offline 		Your profile is not found. Are you her father or her mother?


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Profile   Post #: 23
RE: Adult entertainment career and effects - 8/21/2012 12:23:09 AM   
displeased


Posts: 10
Joined: 8/20/2012
Status: offline 		I am her mother. I hid my profile because I am not seeking anything here. Just here to lurk for awhile.

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Profile   Post #: 24
RE: Adult entertainment career and effects - 8/21/2012 6:28:54 AM   
RedMagic1


Posts: 6470
Joined: 5/10/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: displeased
I was not being open minded and I'm just not up with modern times and I'm just old.

That seems like an accurate description of the situation to me.

Also, in a previous post, you said that your area is conservative, and such behavior was not accepted. "Not accepted" is not the same as "you're disowned." Farting loudly in a fancy restaurant is not accepted. Telling someone you supposedly love that you never want to see them again, ever, is on a whole other planet. Frankly, your use of the word "conservative" sounds like a code word for phony Christianity: talking big about sins, abominations, and how others are going to hell, but ignoring "Love thy neighbor as thyself" and "Judge not, lest ye be judged."

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Profile   Post #: 25
RE: Adult entertainment career and effects - 8/21/2012 8:59:43 AM   
OsideGirl


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Joined: 7/1/2005
From: United States
Status: offline 		I have a friend that did porn to put herself through law school and then went on to be an entertainment lawyer.

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Profile   Post #: 26
RE: Adult entertainment career and effects - 8/21/2012 11:46:31 AM   
TNDommeK


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Profile   Post #: 27
RE: Adult entertainment career and effects - 8/21/2012 12:09:24 PM   
JeffBC


Posts: 5799
Joined: 2/12/2012
From: Canada
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: displeased
She's just angry at me because she thinks I no longer respect her and that I am not being open-minded.

I agree with her.

So, at this point I'm just going to not contact her until she is ready to talk to me.
And you are prepared for that to be "for the rest of your life". Because that's what it was with me and my father.

I have said everything I can say to her and there is nothing else I can do or say I suppose.
Incorrect. There is nothing else you are willing to say or do. But there is plenty you COULD say and do.... like for instance, considering for a moment that maybe you're wrong.

I just feel as if I failed.
Well, if it helps you any, it doesn't sound to me like you failed where it mattered. You raised a young woman who is able to stand up on her own two feet and claim her own freedom. The only place I can see you have failed (and continue to fail) is in this episode right here.

DId it truly never once occur to you to think something along the lines of, "You know what? She's right. Sex is not evil. It's about time someone stood up and said they refused to be cowed by the religious fundies. Perhaps the younger generation is just fighting off the sexual stigmas that our generation seem to embrace? Did it never once occur to you to be proud of her?


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Profile   Post #: 28
RE: Adult entertainment career and effects - 8/21/2012 12:20:38 PM   
GreedyTop


Posts: 52100
Joined: 5/2/2007
From: Savannah, GA
Status: offline 		OP.. great video. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gUdiQWxps5E&feature=list_other&playnext=1&list=AL94UKMTqg-9BFLDUfHbw3rpieMgi_1t6B

This helped me heal a serious rift I had with my father.

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Profile   Post #: 29
RE: Adult entertainment career and effects - 8/21/2012 12:31:24 PM   
littlewonder


Posts: 15659
Status: offline 		Personally if it was my kid, I would explain to her that I still love her but feel she is making a bad choice.

But then again, I'm old fashioned gal with old fashioned morals and values.

I would let her know that I would still be there for her but I can't sit by and watch her do this to herself.

No anger, no disowning just disappointment but always loved.

The same stuff I told her when she was little and she did something that I did not approve of.

The only difference now would be that she's an adult now and I can't exactly take stuff away or punish her.


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Profile   Post #: 30
RE: Adult entertainment career and effects - 8/21/2012 12:48:33 PM   
Thaz


Posts: 617
Joined: 4/28/2012
Status: offline 		Disown your daughter for showing off some flesh? Fuck its not like she's hooking or using Heroin or some such. Its even legal.

Its not a reason to loose contact over. You'll regret it if you do. Get over yourself and let her make her own mistakes.

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Profile   Post #: 31
RE: Adult entertainment career and effects - 8/21/2012 1:21:53 PM   
smartsub10


Posts: 865
Joined: 4/23/2010
Status: offline 		Reading your posts I hear my mother's voice in my head. It was always about her.

"Don't do that, what will the neighbors, family, church, etc. think?"

"If you do that you'll embarrass me."

"Why are you being so selfish? Don't you ever think of me?"

I could go on and on.

OP, you are making this about yourself, not your daughter. She's an adult. She's made her decisions. You've told her how you feel. Let it go.

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Profile   Post #: 32
RE: Adult entertainment career and effects - 8/21/2012 1:25:07 PM   
kalikshama


Posts: 14805
Joined: 8/8/2010
Status: offline 		I took an exotic dance class from a woman who put herself through college and grad school via stripping and was a Russian Language professor at the time.

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Profile   Post #: 33
RE: Adult entertainment career and effects - 8/21/2012 2:34:12 PM   
pissdoll


Posts: 343
Joined: 5/25/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: displeased

Her boyfriend is actually encouraging her and he's seeking employement



does boyfriend have a job at the present time?
my first concern would be making sure the "encouraging" boyfriend was not using coercion.
maybe her father could have a chat with boyfriend?

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Profile   Post #: 34
RE: Adult entertainment career and effects - 8/21/2012 3:02:41 PM   
GreedyTop


Posts: 52100
Joined: 5/2/2007
From: Savannah, GA
Status: offline 		excellent point, pd!!

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Profile   Post #: 35
RE: Adult entertainment career and effects - 8/21/2012 3:56:21 PM   
LookieNoNookie


Posts: 12216
Joined: 8/9/2008
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: GreedyTop

OP.. great video. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gUdiQWxps5E&feature=list_other&playnext=1&list=AL94UKMTqg-9BFLDUfHbw3rpieMgi_1t6B

This helped me heal a serious rift I had with my father.


Wow. I'm speechless honey....thank you.

That opened a door. It's too late, but it opened a door nonetheless.

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Profile   Post #: 36
RE: Adult entertainment career and effects - 8/21/2012 4:19:45 PM   
DarkSteven


Posts: 28072
Joined: 5/2/2008
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: displeased

I am her mother.


Well, crap. I apologize for calling you "Fella", then.

Please understand that your daughter has no desire for a rift with you. That said, she can support herself this way, and that's important to her. If you'd like to have a discussion with her about other ways to support herself, that'd be great.

She's not a child any more. She's got some life experience under her belt and you need to acknowledge that.

Also... from what you say about her, she sounds serious about her boyfriend. If things go well, she may be looking at marriage and kids within the next five years. It would be a huge shame if you and her children were deprived of getting to know each other until the rift healed. (Yeah, I'm not above using guilt.)

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Profile   Post #: 37
RE: Adult entertainment career and effects - 8/21/2012 7:50:34 PM   
Winterapple


Posts: 1343
Joined: 8/19/2011
Status: offline 		FR
She's an adult. It's her decision to make.
I do think you're overeacting a bit.
She's not working the corner to support
her heroin habit. I understand it's not
something many mothers would be thrilled
about but it's not worth losing your
relationship with your daughter over.
And small rifts sometimes lead to permanent
estrangement.

Quit harping about the boyfriends job.
He obviously isn't worried about it.
Sex work isn't the boatload of free money
people think it is. To be successful enough
to support yourself takes some savvy.
To support yourself and have money to
tuck away takes additional savvy and
smarts. And she does need to think about
practical stuff like taxes. I'm guessing
there's a good chance what she's doing
falls under independent contractor as a
lot of legal sex work does.
So she's gotta pay Uncle Sam.

You don't want to be embarrassed
by it or feel judged by other people
as a bad parent. That's something
you're putting on yourself.

She's your daughter, love her and
accept she's an adult who has the
right to live her life as she chooses.
If you know in your heart she's a
good person be proud of her and
be proud to be her mother.


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Profile   Post #: 38
RE: Adult entertainment career and effects - 8/21/2012 8:16:31 PM   
poise


Posts: 9509
Joined: 7/3/2010
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: smartsub10
OP, you are making this about yourself, not your daughter.

I agree that her delicate situation seems to be more about her shame, than how to be a
supporting, guiding force behind her daughter.

Op, a few things really stood out in several of your comments here, and if I, a complete stranger, can pick
up on them, I'm almost certain that your daughter has felt them herself as she was growing up, and even more so
now that she is an adult. And yet you were still blessed with having a healthy, open relationship with her where she
felt safe in coming to you with this. I'm thinking it was her last attempt at trying to get the support she needed from
you, and I think you failed miserably.

I am very disappointed in her.
I'm not so worried about her because she most likely will never have such an extensive background check job.
As for her, she has no goals in life.
She thinks I no longer respect her.

As for that last one, you really can't blame her, can you?

Edited to add - I was never in the adult entertainment industry, but I did win a few wet tshirt contests back in the day.
That didn't stop the government from hiring me.

< Message edited by poise -- 8/21/2012 8:20:42 PM >

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Profile   Post #: 39
RE: Adult entertainment career and effects - 8/21/2012 8:34:25 PM   
littlewonder


Posts: 15659
Status: offline
quote:

but I did win a few wet tshirt contests back in the day.
That didn't stop the government from hiring me.


Did you place the photos on facebook?

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Profile   Post #: 40
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