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RE: Going from reallife to an online relationship - 6/11/2006 8:36:22 AM

Bearlee

Posts: 2311
Joined: 10/25/2004
From: South Central CO
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: juliaoceania

...
I will still make my last point from the other thread.... People unthinkingly have submissives perform tasks on themselves like they are lab rats, and I do not agree with it. If you can't be there to gauge a sub's reactions perhaps you should question the things you do.. such as self flogging or pain play. Having a sub sit in a position for lord knows how long also could be detrimental. I have to say in person the people I have been with doing BDSM watched my face to see where I was... nuanced by the levels of pain and pleasure, they couldn't see this over the internet...

Well, I couldn’t agree more; perhaps that is why my ‘online romance’ did not include any BDSM what-so-ever. Sure, I got punished…but not physically. Course, we didn’t cyber, either. LOL I’m pretty much a ‘real-time’ kinda girl…perhaps that is why this Dom’s ‘brand’ of online worked for me. I agree with the OP...BDSM are the tools one uses for D/s. We were online...for us BDSM (the activities) were impossible...

< Message edited by Bearlee -- 6/11/2006 8:39:22 AM >

(in reply to juliaoceania)

Post #: 21

RE: Going from reallife to an online relationship - 6/11/2006 8:41:30 AM

Brosco

Posts: 238
Joined: 5/29/2006
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: juliaoceania

I have nothing against online relationships. They can only go so far and then it has to go real life. I have been through getting to know someone and some online domination. It moved real life. There was no comparing the two, but that did not mean the feelings I felt online were not real, feelings and emotions are always real... I was not looking either at the time.

I will still make my last point from the other thread.... People unthinkingly have submissives perform tasks on themselves like they are lab rats, and I do not agree with it. If you can't be there to gauge a sub's reactions perhaps you should question the things you do.. such as self flogging or pain play. Having a sub sit in a position for lord knows how long also could be detrimental. I have to say in person the people I have been with doing BDSM watched my face to see where I was... nuanced by the levels of pain and pleasure, they couldn't see this over the internet...

So now you have decided what ALL do in their internet relationships? Somehow that it must be the same as you? eeerrrrr have you read my other posts in this thread by chance? Did you understand them? Did I talk about self flogging? Did I talk about pain play? Did I talk about having a person sit in an uncomfortable position? Why is D/s about pain and pleasure? - its a mindset, a mindset that I have learnt more about since being online.

Where do you get off in judging what another does? Where do you have the right to even suggest such things. And before you respond about being general, would you like 'general' questions directed at you about your personal play? Is a Dom a medical practicioner and can state with certainity the difference between subspace and a coma? Does a Dom know when bruises can become damaging. Does a Dom know about risks to breathing, teeth and jaw with using a gag?

Look - wake up lil suzie ... I'm either a responsible Dom or I aint.. just like yours. To chime into a thread about such concerns is pretty stupid considering the background I have expressed previously. If you don't relate to online... big deal... just get into a thread that you do feel confortable with.... but if you enjoy being a nosayer in a topic you don't understand - go ahead, make a fool of yourself.

Brosco

_____________________________

Any Dom that believes he is in complete control ... has a very clever subbie.

(in reply to juliaoceania)

Post #: 22

RE: Going from reallife to an online relationship - 6/11/2006 8:49:33 AM

Bearlee

Posts: 2311
Joined: 10/25/2004
From: South Central CO
Status: offline

ouch

(in reply to Brosco)

Post #: 23

RE: Going from reallife to an online relationship - 6/11/2006 8:52:30 AM

juliaoceania

Posts: 21383
Joined: 4/19/2006
From: Somewhere Over the Rainbow
Status: offline

Im not responding to the flame,... you keep your holy grail of webcam submission and let my words go straight to the shitcan of the internet... cant learn with your ears closed

_____________________________

Once you label me, you negate me ~ Soren Kierkegaard

Reality has a well known Liberal Bias ~ Stephen Colbert

Great minds discuss ideas; Average minds discuss events; Small minds discuss people. Eleanor Roosevelt

(in reply to Brosco)

Post #: 24

RE: Going from reallife to an online relationship - 6/11/2006 9:00:28 AM

Brosco

Posts: 238
Joined: 5/29/2006
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: juliaoceania

... cant learn with your ears closed

I guess ya learned that already huh? :)

_____________________________

Any Dom that believes he is in complete control ... has a very clever subbie.

(in reply to juliaoceania)

Post #: 25

RE: Going from reallife to an online relationship - 6/11/2006 9:03:46 AM

Bearlee

Posts: 2311
Joined: 10/25/2004
From: South Central CO
Status: offline

ouch again.

Your original post fairly 'assumed' he was doing what you described...and your response to his flame confirms it. He does NOT do what you suggested...and said so.

Speaking of tolerance...neither of you are very much. <sigh>

(in reply to juliaoceania)

Post #: 26

RE: Going from reallife to an online relationship - 6/11/2006 9:18:32 AM

champagnewishes

Posts: 1310
Joined: 10/31/2005
From: Orange County
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Brosco

Although this is a negative validation, you do show as to how powerful online can be. (I hope you are over it now and don't see my comment as flippant). It is amazing to see the online-knockers consistantly repeat that online cannot me real as there is no physical contact - but then use the predators and abusers as examples of why online should be avoided. If online wasn't 'real', how could these people be a threat? Or is it only predators and abusers that are 'real' online, and that just plain decent ordinary folk are fantasy?

Brosco

I will agree completely. Online is very powerful. I also will concede that as powerful as the experience i had, it could have just as easily gone the other way and been a wonderful experience. However, if i had not met in r/l at some point and time, i could or would have continued with something that was not hmmm what word can i use....true? I want to say real...but it was very much real. But the ability for this relationship to grow was very one sided as growth depended on my perception....which was based on what i perceived was real and was not an acurate reflection of what really existed outside the realm of online.

You have given me much food for thought...

_____________________________

Nirvana cannot be described, it is only understood truly by a person who has experienced it.

(in reply to Brosco)

Post #: 27

RE: Going from reallife to an online relationship - 6/11/2006 9:50:55 AM

enlightened

Posts: 2
Joined: 12/4/2004
Status: offline

Thank you for this.

Very few understand the power and depth an online relationship can have. Thus far, I would say that I have learned more "lessons" that have sustained me real life from the insight and wisdom of a Dominant through my online service than I have real time. My D/s, and I differentiate from someone else's D/s because it is different for each person involved, has never started with the physical...the sexual, but the mindset. I actually think it is much more difficult at times virtually than it is real time as both are denied tone of voice and body language and that a Dominant must be much more creative if a correction is needed. Mine used to deny me the one thing that I looked forward to -- his time.

For the record, I have had both. I started real time, was disenchanted by an irresponsible Dominant and fled to fulfill my need to serve through online. The irresponsibility of the last Dominant I served online has left me skittish and jaded but reinforced the fact that there are irresponsible people both online and off and that regardless of the venue -- a relationship only works of both are honest.

Much happiness to you and yours Brosco.

(in reply to champagnewishes)

Post #: 28

RE: Going from reallife to an online relationship - 6/11/2006 11:03:30 AM

crouchingtigress

Posts: 4387
Joined: 3/19/2006
From: Maui
Status: offline

That is the great thing about this lifestyle...it is a great banquet with many entrées and many deserts, none better or worse then the other.

I personally am a grazer, I take some of ever thing on to my plate.

I have deeply loved my on line relationships as much as I have deeply loved my real life relationships. I have deeply loved casual play partners, and also my long term relationships...

To me the variable is not the type of activity or parameters of the relationship, it is my passion, enthusiasm and investment that makes it totally rock or not.

_____________________________

Service slut, durable plaything, and ponypenquincatdogpig, to Lee Harrington

This is him

"Its none of my buisness what other people think of me."

(in reply to Brosco)

Post #: 29

RE: Going from reallife to an online relationship - 6/11/2006 11:34:52 AM

champagnewishes

Posts: 1310
Joined: 10/31/2005
From: Orange County
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: crouchingtigress

That is the great thing about this lifestyle...it is a great banquet with many entrées and many deserts, none better or worse then the other.

I personally am a grazer, I take some of ever thing on to my plate.

I have deeply loved my on line relationships as much as I have deeply loved my real life relationships. I have deeply loved casual play partners, and also my long term relationships...

To me the variable is not the type of activity or parameters of the relationship, it is my passion, enthusiasm and investment that makes it totally rock or not.

Very nice crouchingtigress...and i am sure you are all the more better because of it.

If its one thing i have learned, whether an experience is good, bad or otherwise, you never walk away empty handed if you have learned something because of it.

_____________________________

Nirvana cannot be described, it is only understood truly by a person who has experienced it.

(in reply to crouchingtigress)

Post #: 30

RE: Going from reallife to an online relationship - 6/11/2006 12:59:28 PM

KnightofMists

Posts: 7149
Joined: 7/29/2005
Status: offline

Brosco : Thanks for relating a bit of your situation and experiences. For you me you relate to very key points that I think many seem to miss to enable them to understand online relationships.

First: Life situations. Most make the assumption that everyone's life is of such that they want direct physical intimate relationships. The fact of the matter that is a stupid assumption but an understandable one. There are some whose daily life doesn't give room for the efforts required to maintain the physical relationship. It's difficult for people to understand that a person doesn't want a physically intimate relationship. I remember leaving High School to further education and having no desire for any close relationship. I didn't interact with any beside some minor causal conversations, no dates no simple coffees. Other people were just other people. This was my situation for about 5 years, until I was ready for a physical relationship. I can appreciate that your sitaution doesn't equate to you wanting to get into a physical relationship at this given moment. Will that change? Possibily. But if you not really looking and you actually closed to the option, some can knock on the door but you just will not hear them. I know that is the way it was with me. It's funny how you look back and say .......OH she was really interested, why didn't I notice at the time. Our ears only hear certain sounds, our Emotions/Thoughts are similiar to a degree.

Second: Realistic Expectations. I think it's important to appreciate that you are realistic in what your expecting from the relationship and realistic in the expectations of what it can do. Pressure most often occurs in a relationship when a person has unrealistic expectations. I am sure if your expectations of the relationship were unrealistic the pleasure would soon fade and you would move on. However, because of your Mindset and your life situation, you can enjoy to the fullest of what this type of relationship can give you. Great for you!

Third: The belief... Physical is Real... Online is Fantasy. There is a constant belief being pushed that if a person is online and only online that they are not real. That to have a "REAL" relationship a person must be in a physical relationship. Even yourself this perception creeps in with your subject line "Going from reallife to an online relationship" The question is raised what is "REAL"? For many the whole concept of our Reality is based on the Physical. We have five senses and our reality is deeply influenced by what our senses give us. However, What about our Thoughts and Emotions? Are they not real? Our senses allow us to appreciate the tangibles of life and it's our Thoughts and Emotions that allow us to appreciate the Intangibles of life. Personally, it's the intangibles that I find to be the most exciting and fulling in my relationships. The online relationship and Long Distance relationships are similar in that the intangibles are very much a focus point for the relationship. My lovely kyra lives a great distance from me. We in essense get minimual sensory interaction in comparison to the a physically present relationship. However, our Thoughtful and Emotional interactions are just as powerful and in alot of ways more poweful than many physically present relaltionships. I can appreciate more than ever today than I two years ago what it meant to have an online relaitonship because of my long distance relationship with kyra. Yes, I was one of those individuals that was rather close minded in the whole Online Relationship World. But aaaaaaaww but Opening ones mind to new thoughtful points of view is like breathing fresh clean mountain air. My reality is not locked in only my senses, for I think and I feel! These are my reality as well. A very important part of my reality!

Thanks for sharing and giving me alittle more to consider of what is "Reality"

_____________________________

Knight of Mists

An Optimal relationship is achieved when the individuals do what is best for themselves and their relationship.

(in reply to Brosco)

Post #: 31

RE: Going from reallife to an online relationship - 6/11/2006 1:36:15 PM

LuckyAlbatross

Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline

At the risk of sounding cliche- whatever works for you.

As long as people understand and agree to the expectations of the commitment they are in, as long as they are truly fulfilled by them- then it really doesn't matter what the form of the relationship is.

Now, that doesn't mean the dynamics are the SAME. Offline dynamics are very different from online dynamics and are very different from long distance dynamics. Comparing them is a difficult task and must be handled delicately.

I also don't like people getting into commitments when they have NO offline experience because they have nothing to compare to, and are often just grabbing the first thing that came along to them. It often doesn't last long.

But as always- if it's working for you, that's what matters.

_____________________________

Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.

"Sometimes my whore logic gets all fuzzy"- Californication

(in reply to Brosco)

Post #: 32

RE: Going from reallife to an online relationship - 6/11/2006 1:38:52 PM

perverseangelic

Posts: 2625
Joined: 2/2/2004
From: Davis, Ca
Status: offline

Thanks for starting this thread. I'll be interested to read it as it progresses.

_____________________________

~in the begining it is always dark~

(in reply to LuckyAlbatross)

Post #: 33

RE: Going from reallife to an online relationship - 6/11/2006 4:45:09 PM

Brosco

Posts: 238
Joined: 5/29/2006
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: missturbation

My question is - surely there is only so much you can do online - where in reality there are endless possibilities?????????

I in no way mean to be disrespctful in any way asking this - i am just plain curious.

Respectfully
misst xx

Sure there are some physical limitations to what you can do online, but then, many people find they also have physical limitations in reallife. For example, how many subs here are unable to kneel, or do so for any length of time, because of some physical incapacity? Does it really affect the quality of the relationship if there are such limitations?

D/s is a mindset and while some physical limitations may exist, the mind is not. And as I have stated elsewhere, the loss of one sense can highten the capability of others. By just using the mind I can have my sub helplessly bound. And just as I suggest that the physical in D/s is used to create, maintain or enhance the mindset I may use physical tools to assist me. For example, just loosely placing a rope on her wrist will assist in creating the mindset of being helplessly bound - I don't need her to be helplessly bound in selfbondage to achieve it.

Of course, using the mind this way will not work or may not be satisfying to all. The more physically oriented a person is, the less they will get out of it. Another key factor is the actual tastes of a couple and how important it is for them to be achieved in reality. Edge playing would be damn near impossible in an online situation - but since it doesn't interest me, it is not a limitation to me.

In the endless possibilities that are available in D/s, there are only a couple that are essential to satisfy my tastes. There are many that I like to include to enhance the mindset and of course, to create variety, but if I cannot include them because of a physical limitation its not a major loss. (Is it a major loss if a sub has bad knees and cannot kneel?). In r/l or online I may not be able to include them anyways because they are a hard limit for the sub! Or maybe they are a 'hate' to the sub when I would want to use it as a 'love'.

So there are limitations both online and off, for many reasons. Again though, do we enjoy and embrace what we can have - or do we bemoan what we cannot have spoil the whole experience?

Brosco

_____________________________

Any Dom that believes he is in complete control ... has a very clever subbie.

(in reply to missturbation)

Post #: 34

RE: Going from reallife to an online relationship - 6/11/2006 5:05:51 PM

KennelDeSade2

Posts: 210
Joined: 9/19/2004
Status: offline

In anything I think of as a serious relationship, I've got a three week rule. If things pass a certian level of expectations, I don't care where the person is, we will meet in person. It doesn't matter if I have to fly cross country, have coffee in the airport lounge, then get on a plane and fly back, there is going to be some face to face meet.
Why? My best example is once when things became serious with a girl I had been chatting with for over a year. So I went from the west coast to Cape Cod to meet her. I found that she was everything I had seen in out online encounters, and not a thing more. All the depth of a sheet of paper, and I was very disappointed.
And had I invested six months before I realized that, what was a dissapointment most likely would have been a disaster.

So online is good for a start, but if there is any planning to ever take it real time. . . .

(in reply to Bearlee)

Post #: 35

RE: Going from reallife to an online relationship - 6/11/2006 8:31:53 PM

champagnewishes

Posts: 1310
Joined: 10/31/2005
From: Orange County
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: KennelDeSade2

In anything I think of as a serious relationship, I've got a three week rule. If things pass a certian level of expectations, I don't care where the person is, we will meet in person. It doesn't matter if I have to fly cross country, have coffee in the airport lounge, then get on a plane and fly back, there is going to be some face to face meet.
Why? My best example is once when things became serious with a girl I had been chatting with for over a year. So I went from the west coast to Cape Cod to meet her. I found that she was everything I had seen in out online encounters, and not a thing more. All the depth of a sheet of paper, and I was very disappointed.
And had I invested six months before I realized that, what was a dissapointment most likely would have been a disaster.

So online is good for a start, but if there is any planning to ever take it real time. . . .

I understand what your saying...in fact, i do almost the exact same thing....why? because i am seeking a physical relationship...and all the reasons you gave justify and is a must when seeking a physical r/l relationship.

However, if i wasn't interested in a r/l relationship...would it matter that he was 20 pounds heavier than what i presumed him to be? Would it matter that he had a foul mouth yet was so eloquent when IM'ing me? Things that are important to a real life relationship are not necessarily things that are important to an online relationship....especially if there are no plans to ever meet in r/l.

After thinking about this most of the day (and trust me, i thought i would be the first to discard the notion of online relationships) i am starting to realize that it is a very plausable relationship for some. It's not a stop over or an introduction to a future real life relationship....it is a relationship all unto itself.

_____________________________

Nirvana cannot be described, it is only understood truly by a person who has experienced it.

(in reply to KennelDeSade2)

Post #: 36

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