RE: Having a" 50 Shades of Grey" moment. (Full Version)

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WomanlyWiles -> RE: Having a" 50 Shades of Grey" moment. (8/21/2012 10:16:51 AM)

I agree with the other posters. He's telling you loud and clear that he's not in a relationship with you. If you want to be in a relationship, you should find someone who wants that too. Hoping and wishing he'll change is a recipe for disaster.



ClassAct2006 -> RE: Having a" 50 Shades of Grey" moment. (8/21/2012 10:25:48 AM)

You haven't had sex yet so no rush. Just see how it goes.
1. He may be married (and that is his relationship).
2. He may have a certain kind of girl he wants to fallin love with marry, take home to mother, have babies with and you just don't happen to be someone who ticks enough of the right boxes for that.
3. He may simply not be in love but likes the idea of some sex - which is fine - he has been really clear with you so not misled you.

I like relationships. I like men I can talk to and listen to and do things with and ultimately integrate into their life rather than being some dirty secret for sex on Fridays. You say he hates makingp lans - for me that is a massive warning sign as anyone with a sensbile organised good life can make plans. Someone who won't make plans is just waiting to see if a better girl calls him that night or his friends from the pub want him and only if none of that materialises will be settle with the girl he's not in a relationship with. Men with diaries who are reliable and stick to what they say and plan are the ones to go for.



GreedyTop -> RE: Having a" 50 Shades of Grey" moment. (8/21/2012 10:30:19 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: ClassAct2006

You haven't had sex yet so no rush. Just see how it goes.
1. He may be married (and that is his relationship).
2. He may have a certain kind of girl he wants to fallin love with marry, take home to mother, have babies with and you just don't happen to be someone who ticks enough of the right boxes for that.
3. He may simply not be in love but likes the idea of some sex - which is fine - he has been really clear with you so not misled you.

I like relationships. I like men I can talk to and listen to and do things with and ultimately integrate into their life rather than being some dirty secret for sex on Fridays. You say he hates makingp lans - for me that is a massive warning sign as anyone with a sensbile organised good life can make plans. Someone who won't make plans is just waiting to see if a better girl calls him that night or his friends from the pub want him and only if none of that materialises will be settle with the girl he's not in a relationship with. Men with diaries who are reliable and stick to what they say and plan are the ones to go for.



Hey, I don't like making plans. It's got nothing to do with "looking for something better". It's about will I actually feel like DOING something at a future point (sometimes I just am NOT UP for being social), or I have no way to determine how my day will go at that point, or if I will be feeling well, or if something re: family might pop up (my Mom is in her mid-70s). There are reasons for not being a future-planner, and they don't alway indicate WORST CASE stuff.



lilmissdefiant -> RE: Having a" 50 Shades of Grey" moment. (8/21/2012 10:40:47 AM)

Due to me not wanting expose all of him, I am giving generalizations here, i still respect his privacy.
I know how some men can be, but his level of commitment and dedication (4 plus hour conversations every night for the past 3 months, and i do mean every night) i think now i have other peoples perspective (which is always good even if it isn't positive) I think I'm wanting it to go faster than he finds reasonable or wants. So at the end of the day I need to sit back and appreciate that I have found someone who likes me for all that i am and all that i am, Having this clarity for mean makes me see that I need to stop being so needy and take this as it is.
I have an owner who appreciates me, excites me, encourages me to be better and someone who tells me how much I am worth. I should be and am happy with that.
Come what may, at the end of everyday (for the past 3 months) I am happy and content. I just needed to get this itchy bug out of my system, and I do thank everyone for their opinions and advice.
stay open but stay guarded.
thanks again everyone :)



TNDommeK -> RE: Having a" 50 Shades of Grey" moment. (8/21/2012 10:41:24 AM)

OP, here is my take on all this. First, get out of that book. Second, if what is going on in your predicament is making you happy, then that is your relationship. Don't get uptight about labels. Be you, let him be him and most of all be happy. People have been programmed for so long to go with what and how they are told things are, that they don't sit back and ask themselves, "does this make me happy?".
If you are then, continue doing what you guys are doing, if not..well communication works best. And if that doesn't get you anywhere, then you know what to do. Hope this helps.



CalifChick -> RE: Having a" 50 Shades of Grey" moment. (8/21/2012 10:42:16 AM)

I know someone that has relationships of which 99% of the relationship happens in her head. Is this happening in your head?

Have you read the book, "He's Just Not That Into You"?

"We're in a relationship" means (to generalize a bit), exchange of cards/gifts on special occasions, turning to each other for comfort when things go back, turning to each other with excitement to share good news, etc. Maybe he doesn't want to do any of those things with you; i.e., he's just not into you that way.

Edited to add:

quote:

About the 50 shades of grey reference - I feel like Ana did when Christian was captivating her, with the way he used to pop into her thoughts, the way he would control her with his words, yet He still maintained that he didn't do relationships. She didn't want him but she also couldn't walk away from, again he was too captivating. I adore my Owner, I truly do, I refuse to walk away from something this good in my life. But why does he have to make it so...50 Shades of Grey? lol Guess its just his style.


You do know all that is happening in your head, right? The way he pops into your thoughts, the way you obey him, etc. You are allowing that to happen.

Cali



threadbare -> RE: Having a" 50 Shades of Grey" moment. (8/21/2012 10:46:08 AM)

Sounds like a tough situation. Sorry lilmissd! Staying realistic is important. I've never met perfect and that will not ever change. I've met awesomely flawed great people. It's easy to get carried away when you're taken with someone. I don't love making plans either but I'm automatically suspicious of "won't make plans." Ever? That would be significant to me. I'm more likely to make and honor plans given a situation where I need to be trusted.



LadyHibiscus -> RE: Having a" 50 Shades of Grey" moment. (8/21/2012 10:59:40 AM)

I am not sure what's going on here. It doesn't sound like a good idea to me, though. It's so easy to be misled by the things that men do...

Perhaps I'm being bogged down by semantics. For me, "owner" is a very serious word, and I absolutely was in a relationship with the man I owned. Owning a person is not like owning a bicycle.

I will now default to, "what Cali said."



JeffBC -> RE: Having a" 50 Shades of Grey" moment. (8/21/2012 11:19:47 AM)

My opinion? Moth, meet flame.

there is another angle though. Without knowing the whole timeline and what's been said it could be that the "R" word is a big word in his head and you're just moving too fast. Objectively you DO have a relationship... as do you and I right now. The question is whether the nature of the relationship (including any thoughts about it's ongoing duration) fits your needs & desires.



kalikshama -> RE: Having a" 50 Shades of Grey" moment. (8/21/2012 11:26:23 AM)

quote:

Perhaps I'm being bogged down by semantics. For me, "owner" is a very serious word, and I absolutely was in a relationship with the man I owned. Owning a person is not like owning a bicycle.


I am a firm believer that one should not expect the rights of ownership without also shouldering the responsibilities. I cannot fathom ownership outside the context of a relationship.

But perhaps we are indeed having a semantics issue - OP - what does being owned mean to you? What are his responsibilities as your owner?



LadyHibiscus -> RE: Having a" 50 Shades of Grey" moment. (8/21/2012 11:28:33 AM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: kalikshama

quote:

Perhaps I'm being bogged down by semantics. For me, "owner" is a very serious word, and I absolutely was in a relationship with the man I owned. Owning a person is not like owning a bicycle.


I am a firm believer that one should not expect the rights of ownership without also shouldering the responsibilities. I cannot fathom ownership outside the context of a relationship.

But perhaps we are indeed having a semantics issue - OP - what does being owned mean to you? What are his responsibilities as your owner?



Yes, exactly. I try very very hard to go with the flow these days when people throw words around, but language fails when we each need our own glossary.



LadyPact -> RE: Having a" 50 Shades of Grey" moment. (8/21/2012 11:42:18 AM)

I'm kind of with Hib here. If this is your Owner, but he says it's not a relationship, how are both of these things true at the same time? How does someone own another person without some type of relationship going on?



JeffBC -> RE: Having a" 50 Shades of Grey" moment. (8/21/2012 11:47:28 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyHibiscus
Yes, exactly. I try very very hard to go with the flow these days when people throw words around, but language fails when we each need our own glossary.
Not exactly. I don't think language fails us as a whole. I think the labels fail us which are only shortcuts to the language. My assessment is that the BDSM subculture has always redefined words to meet their needs and continues to do so with a total lack of concern for Websters and that's probably a good thing.



LadyHibiscus -> RE: Having a" 50 Shades of Grey" moment. (8/21/2012 12:08:04 PM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: JeffBC

quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyHibiscus
Yes, exactly. I try very very hard to go with the flow these days when people throw words around, but language fails when we each need our own glossary.
Not exactly. I don't think language fails us as a whole. I think the labels fail us which are only shortcuts to the language. My assessment is that the BDSM subculture has always redefined words to meet their needs and continues to do so with a total lack of concern for Websters and that's probably a good thing.



I love how language is fluid, I love the "grabbiness" of English. It's when EACH PERSON seems to have their own definition for a word that things get shady for me. (I shudder to recollect the heated discussions around the word "SINGLE" the organizer of a local group had to deal with.) We're at the point where "WORD X" means "I am in an exhange of some variety with this person or persons and I choose this word to attach to it", and WORD X has a spectrum, not a definition.




Darkfeather -> RE: Having a" 50 Shades of Grey" moment. (8/21/2012 12:47:59 PM)

The thing that really irks me about this lifestyle is its dependence on definitions and labels. We as kinksters are supposed to be the most forgiving and tolerant of peoples, and yet you can literally get into fist fights over the definition of switch or bottom. In reality, it only matters what you yourself define a word, and those you choose to share that definition with. Personally, if you feel there is a problem, most likely there is. It is that nagging little voice in the back of your head telling you something. Whether you choose to listen, that is up to you



CRYPTICLXVI -> RE: Having a" 50 Shades of Grey" moment. (8/21/2012 12:51:09 PM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: kalikshama

quote:

Perhaps I'm being bogged down by semantics. For me, "owner" is a very serious word, and I absolutely was in a relationship with the man I owned. Owning a person is not like owning a bicycle.


I am a firm believer that one should not expect the rights of ownership without also shouldering the responsibilities. I cannot fathom ownership outside the context of a relationship.

But perhaps we are indeed having a semantics issue - OP - what does being owned mean to you? What are his responsibilities as your owner?


This. Period.



JeffBC -> RE: Having a" 50 Shades of Grey" moment. (8/21/2012 12:56:32 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyHibiscus
I love how language is fluid, I love the "grabbiness" of English. It's when EACH PERSON seems to have their own definition for a word that things get shady for me. (I shudder to recollect the heated discussions around the word "SINGLE" the organizer of a local group had to deal with.) We're at the point where "WORD X" means "I am in an exhange of some variety with this person or persons and I choose this word to attach to it", and WORD X has a spectrum, not a definition.

Don't get me wrong. I agree with you. I wish it was some other way and I have some hopes that some new more-or-less stable state of definitions will emerge now that the doors of BDSM haven been thrown wide open. But at least for now it is what it is.



LadyHibiscus -> RE: Having a" 50 Shades of Grey" moment. (8/21/2012 12:58:07 PM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: Darkfeather

The thing that really irks me about this lifestyle is its dependence on definitions and labels. We as kinksters are supposed to be the most forgiving and tolerant of peoples, and yet you can literally get into fist fights over the definition of switch or bottom. In reality, it only matters what you yourself define a word, and those you choose to share that definition with. Personally, if you feel there is a problem, most likely there is. It is that nagging little voice in the back of your head telling you something. Whether you choose to listen, that is up to you


Are you high? Because I want some of whatever you have.

We're just folks. Some of us want to know what the others are talking about. Tolerance is an engineering term.



GreedyTop -> RE: Having a" 50 Shades of Grey" moment. (8/21/2012 1:02:30 PM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: Darkfeather

The thing that really irks me about this lifestyle is its dependence on definitions and labels. We as kinksters are supposed to be the most forgiving and tolerant of peoples, and yet you can literally get into fist fights over the definition of switch or bottom. In reality, it only matters what you yourself define a word, and those you choose to share that definition with. Personally, if you feel there is a problem, most likely there is. It is that nagging little voice in the back of your head telling you something. Whether you choose to listen, that is up to you



yanno, if you check my profile, you will see at least ONE example of the rejection of labels.

I know I am not the only one.

Sadly, right now, CM has a narrow parameter of identifiers.

Until (unless) that is fixed......well, not everyone is going to be correctly self-identified. It shouldn't put you off, if most of the other stuff seems to click.

quote:

We as kinksters are supposed to be the most forgiving and tolerant of peoples

you are new to this, aren't you?



Darkfeather -> RE: Having a" 50 Shades of Grey" moment. (8/21/2012 1:17:41 PM)

Oh no, not new, just frustrated. I once tried to get my local now defunct club to do nametags, just to show how silly putting labels on us was. Needless to say, people were ok with being naked and whipped, but not a HELLO, I'm a sado kinky top spanker, heh



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