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When things go south. - 8/21/2012 9:54:55 AM

DarkSteven

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First off, a disclaimer so people don't get horrified. This occurred at a play party where everyone knew each other, and the typical protocol about not interfering in others' scenes doesn't hold, especially bantering about others' play. The play at the party was pretty light and consisted almost entirely of spanking and impact play.

With that said, I was at a private play party Saturday. A woman was getting a sensual spanking when a cheerful idiot decided to give her a couple of hard whacks with a strap, breaking up her headspace. She safeworded and the scene ended. She was disoriented by the sudden change, and I did the best I could. I put my arm around her and tried to "contact" her with my voice.

So my question is, I know what aftercare to use after a proper scene. What's recommended for a broken scene, with a bottom who needs comfort? Touch, voice, anything else?

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RE: When things go south. - 8/21/2012 10:01:09 AM

GreedyTop

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What she feels she needs. Even if she is unable to articulate properly (although, in a similar situation, you bet yer ass I could be articulate....), read her body language. if you touch her does she indicate that's not a Good Thing? If she is pale and sihvering, offer her a snack. etc.

Take your cues from her.

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RE: When things go south. - 8/21/2012 10:03:42 AM

JanahX

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I think comfort and a hug would do. I mean you have to keep it in perspective - they may be shook up, but its not like some huge tragedy or anything.

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RE: When things go south. - 8/21/2012 10:06:05 AM

LadyHibiscus

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Yeah, whatever she needs. Which at the kind of event you describe might not be much at the time, but the next day might need a check in.

Being a veteran of that scene---I would also recommend snagging the moron who interrupted her scene and having him apologize. Wayyyy too often I listened to female bottoms griping about tops who got ahead of themselves, and lots of resentment built up after the fact.

edited for my inner Strunk & White.

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RE: When things go south. - 8/21/2012 10:13:06 AM

Duskypearls

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Oh Steven, I'm so glad you brought this up, as it's really disturbed me. FYI everybody, it was me it happened to, and I'm still trying to make heads or tails of it.

I've got to tell you, it was quite a shock to my entire system. I had only met the fellow (who took it upon himself to painfully insinuate himself into my scene without permission, and without knowing who or how I was or how I'd react, about an hour earlier). One of the few things I shared with him before arriving at the party, was how careful I am in explaining to my spank partners that too much pain can trip my trigger by awakening deeply stored abuse/shock body memories, and what I and my partner need to do to is to talk and use gentle touch to bring me back to the present, so I don't panic, shut down and disassociate. Mind you now, this fellow is supposed to have been experienced, and into the bdsm and spanking lifestyle for a looooong time.

I had brought a new friend with me, whom had never done any of this stuff and wanted to learn, to the spank party, and the host was being good enough to teach him how to spank me. It was a nice, easy, comfortable experience for me, and an instructional one for him. At the end of the spanking, I was laying there still in sub space, when out of the blue, the interloper starts thwacking me with a thick, wide, doubled belt leather, giving me the hardest hit I had ever received. I cannot begin to tell you how painful, and what a shock it was, and I was instantly knocked into panic mode, couldn't breath, was crying, and all I could say was, "No, that's too much, that's waaaay too much."

I don't know how the fool could say this, to justify his actions, but his words were, "I didn't hit you very hard at all." to which my body screamed, "LIAR," why would you say such a thing, especially after I had warned you I could only take moderate pain that must be tempered with comforting sensual touch to keep me from disassociating." I felt so nauseous and hateful towards him.

Unfortunately, my sub self kicked in after a moment or two to stabilize, told him, "It's OK, I'm alright, you had no way of knowing, I won't hold it against you." But the more I think about this, the more I think it a selfish, thoughless violation of me, on his part, and even tho' he's been playing a long time with a friend of mine, I don't know I would ever be willing to trust or play with him.

I think, in fact, it was bad form all around. I don't know what possessed him to do it, or think it was OK. Now that I think of it, he never offered an apology.

< Message edited by Duskypearls -- 8/21/2012 10:17:15 AM >

(in reply to DarkSteven)

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RE: When things go south. - 8/21/2012 10:17:31 AM

LadyHibiscus

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Dusky, I know you're not a confrontational type, but if you can? Get in his face so he is PAYING ATTENTION and tell him that he behaved badly, he has shown himself to be untrustworthy, and he will not be on your playmate list. Clueless fucks need to be told WHY they are clueless sometimes. I have no idea why some of them think that kind of behavior is okay but they DO, and then the nice lady says Oh, that's okay, and they go on as if nothing happened.

If you can't talk to him, the host/ess of the party should. I know that I would have pinned him to the wall that very night, and he'd be disinvited from future events.

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RE: When things go south. - 8/21/2012 10:21:20 AM

GreedyTop

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quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyHibiscus

Dusky, I know you're not a confrontational type, but if you can? Get in his face so he is PAYING ATTENTION and tell him that he behaved badly, he has shown himself to be untrustworthy, and he will not be on your playmate list. Clueless fucks need to be told WHY they are clueless sometimes. I have no idea why some of them think that kind of behavior is okay but they DO, and then the nice lady says Oh, that's okay, and they go on as if nothing happened.

If you can't talk to him, the host/ess of the party should. I know that I would have pinned him to the wall that very night, and he'd be disinvited from future events.

This.

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RE: When things go south. - 8/21/2012 10:27:10 AM

hlen5

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quote:

ORIGINAL: GreedyTop

quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyHibiscus

Dusky, I know you're not a confrontational type, but if you can? Get in his face so he is PAYING ATTENTION and tell him that he behaved badly, he has shown himself to be untrustworthy, and he will not be on your playmate list. Clueless fucks need to be told WHY they are clueless sometimes. I have no idea why some of them think that kind of behavior is okay but they DO, and then the nice lady says Oh, that's okay, and they go on as if nothing happened.

If you can't talk to him, the host/ess of the party should. I know that I would have pinned him to the wall that very night, and he'd be disinvited from future events.

This.

Ditto! Especially since YOU HAD TOLD him such things were verboten.

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RE: When things go south. - 8/21/2012 10:35:28 AM

Duskypearls

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And Steven, I cannot thank you enough for immediately springing into action, getting to me, and by holding, rubbing and talking to me, brought me back to the safe world. You are one in a million, my dear, and I feel both lucky and honored to know you.

Right you are, Hibby, I am non-confrontational by nature, but I SHOULD give this fellow a piece of my mind.

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RE: When things go south. - 8/21/2012 10:37:19 AM

LadyHibiscus

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Someone HAS to, Dusky. I can see if it's not you, but the host of the party, at the very least. Saying "oh that's okay" is just enabling bad behaviour. Yeah, it wasn't a tragedy, you're okay, but he'll never know until he is told.

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RE: When things go south. - 8/21/2012 11:04:07 AM

lizi

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quote:

ORIGINAL: Duskypearls

And Steven, I cannot thank you enough for immediately springing into action, getting to me, and by holding, rubbing and talking to me, brought me back to the safe world. You are one in a million, my dear, and I feel both lucky and honored to know you.

Right you are, Hibby, I am non-confrontational by nature, but I SHOULD give this fellow a piece of my mind.

Yes, you should let him know in plain, blistering terms exactly what lines he crossed where. Otherwise he may think it's ok to do again, he may think it was ok with you, and he may think it was appropriate social behavior in that context. He crossed lines that are not only socially unacceptable in a general sort of way, he crossed lines that were highly unacceptable to you after being told specifically about them. What he did was non-consensual, that's a big line to cross and he knew it was there.

Let me offer you this example from my own weekend. I attended a recruiting event for my new job field with 2 classmates. At a point in the evening, one of the employees (male) from the place that was holding the event had a loud conversation with another employee (female) whereupon he was really inappropriate in subject matter (sexual teasing) for a professional setting. He ignored the others around him for the duration of this long conversation with his co-worker and chose to pursue it in the midst of strangers while he was representing his company. Afterwards I was talking to my 2 classmates about it, one was somewhat upset over how inappropriate it was, while the other classmate felt that the woman who was the topic of the conversation should have said something or stuck up for herself in some way so that her co-worker would have known to stop. In essence, my friend felt that the fact that this woman didn't stop it and allowed it to continue, meant that the man wasn't upsetting her too much, if at all, and had her implied consent to continue with the topic.

I'm not buying that entirely, I feel this guy and your guy both should have both been mindful of boundaries and social conventions dictated by the event they were attending, but there is the aspect that neither of them was actually told by anyone that they were in the wrong. I decided to rectify that on my end and write the company who footed the bill for this event of the situation, and I hope that you find a way to let this man know he was in the wrong as well. I'm really sorry it happened to you, it sounds very unpleasant, and I sincerely hope you don't suffer any negative emotional effects because of it. IMO the guy should have been nailed to the wall immediately in some fashion for his cavalier disregard of personal boundaries.

(in reply to Duskypearls)

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RE: When things go south. - 8/21/2012 11:09:48 AM

Lucifyre

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Wow Dusky!

I don't know you but you have my deepest empathy as well as sympathy. I am so sorry this happened to you. That guy is a jerk and should be banned from any and all future events. Steven, thank you for getting to her rescure so quickly and thank you also for not ripping his head off and landing yourself in hot water. Though a late night visit from a few big burly guys just to reind him what a douchewagen he is might be appropriate in the near future <grin>

{{hugs}} Dusky!

Lucifyre

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RE: When things go south. - 8/21/2012 11:18:46 AM

kalikshama

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Agrees with the posters above me about this particular instance.

To answer the general question:

quote:

ORIGINAL: DarkSteven

So my question is, I know what aftercare to use after a proper scene. What's recommended for a broken scene, with a bottom who needs comfort? Touch, voice, anything else?

I agree w GT:

quote:

What she feels she needs. Even if she is unable to articulate properly (although, in a similar situation, you bet yer ass I could be articulate....), read her body language. if you touch her does she indicate that's not a Good Thing? If she is pale and sihvering, offer her a snack. etc.

Take your cues from her.

Personally, I feel really badly if I need to end a scene and need cuddles and maybe a blanket.

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RE: When things go south. - 8/21/2012 11:24:49 AM

LadyPact

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Steven, to answer your original question, I would go with whatever the bottom asks to have. In this case, you were familiar with the person (Dusky) and you were aware of what kind of aftercare works for her.

Is this the same spanking group where there was an issue before that you had brought up for discussion? I have to admit, I'd be a little leery of any kink party where any person can just invite themselves into the scene and take their own liberties.

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RE: When things go south. - 8/21/2012 11:27:26 AM

GreedyTop

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LadyP..pls check your cmail...

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RE: When things go south. - 8/21/2012 11:39:24 AM

kiwisub12

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I agree - LP - hopefully the vast majority of people there were sensible individual and capable of listening - and comprehending. Otherwise i would see a short life for the group.

And Dusky - he isn't your dom, or even friends with (spanking) benefits if i am reading your post correctly - therefore get in his face and tell him off! What he is is a jerk who violated your specific limits and then had the gall to announce/force you to say that it was "ok". Very bad form!

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RE: When things go south. - 8/21/2012 12:12:33 PM

FrostedFlake

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All the best idiots are cheerful. This fellow seems like a fine example. What could he have been thinking, if he was thinking at all. For all the World, it comes across as if, "Well, there's one that no one is using right now, I'll just help myself!" Like a leftover slice of pizza. I am sorry that you had to meet him, DuskyPearls.

And, Hat Tip to Steven. Being a friend is how we earn them.

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RE: When things go south. - 8/21/2012 12:19:42 PM

angelikaJ

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edit: see pm

< Message edited by angelikaJ -- 8/21/2012 12:20:30 PM >

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RE: When things go south. - 8/21/2012 12:40:16 PM

littlewonder

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My aftercare in this situation would be one of asking Master if I could have a few choice words with the guy and then maybe a kick in the balls to let him know how it feels.

Why didn't the guy who was spanking you, your play partner, approach the guy and kick his ass in a dark alley?????

< Message edited by littlewonder -- 8/21/2012 12:44:53 PM >

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RE: When things go south. - 8/21/2012 12:54:32 PM

Duskypearls

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quote:

ORIGINAL: littlewonder

My aftercare in this situation would be one of asking Master if I could have a few choice words with the guy and then maybe a kick in the balls to let him know how it feels.

Why didn't the guy who was spanking you, your play partner, approach the guy and kick his ass in a dark alley?????

Because:

I don't have a Master to turn to or look out for me.

It was the first spank/party/experience for the fellow who spanked me, & didn't yet know about protocol, aftercare, etc., or how to handle this kind of situation. None of it was his fault, nor within the realm of his experience or knowledge yet.

Most folks, when in threatening/traumatic situations go into the Fight or Flight Response. I go into the Freeze response, which makes it hard to deal with such things in a timely manner. I was in no good headspace to deal with it at the time. I'm only now, 3 days later, just beginning to able to tap into any anger over it. Takes me a long time to understand and process this sort of stuff. Wish it didn't, but it does.

< Message edited by Duskypearls -- 8/21/2012 12:55:24 PM >

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