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punishment question - 8/22/2012 8:09:02 AM

txsassykat

Posts: 15
Joined: 8/19/2012
Status: offline

First of all I would like to say hello. I am brand "spanking" (lol) new to the lifestyle. I have been interested in it online for about 10 years, but was never with someone who shared the same beliefs. Finally, now I am. I am finding that it's way more mental than it is physical (at least for me).

My question is: do any other subs get angry sometimes when their Dom/Master punishes them? I know some subs get off on being punished and that's fine. But sometimes I find that my Dom (who is also a brand new beginner), punishes me over every little thing and I take it. But sometimes I also feel myself getting angry (although I never voice it during the punishment itself). I suppose my question is, do I even have the right to feel that way or do most subs just shut their emotions down and just take their punishments? I realize that as my Dom, He has the right to punish me whenever and however He wants. I always take the punishment, but sometimes I'm thinking "ugh...i hate this right now". I don't have any other friends who are subs to seek counsel from, so I thought I would post it here.

Thanks for any and all advice/feedback.

Post #: 1

RE: punishment question - 8/22/2012 8:18:04 AM

GreedyTop

Posts: 52100
Joined: 5/2/2007
From: Savannah, GA
Status: offline

Because you are both new, I think you should sit down and TALK. WHY does he punsh you over "every little thing"? for instance. There is punishment (not something that is a daily part of any relationship I have - and if it IS daily, then I need to rethink things), and there is what is often called 'funishment'. Spanking (or whatever) for the fun of it.

If he is feeling like he needs to PUNISH you for whatever, then perhaps he needs to be more clear, to you, on his expectations, and you need to be more mindful of those same.

If he is just wanting to spank (etc) you, let him know that FUN is one thing... unreasonable punishment is another.

YMMV.

_____________________________

polysnortatious
Supreme Goddess of Snark
CHARTER MEMBER: Lance's Fag Hags!
Waiting for my madman in a Blue Box.

(in reply to txsassykat)

Post #: 2

RE: punishment question - 8/22/2012 8:21:24 AM

Char2688

Posts: 151
Joined: 4/16/2012
Status: offline

No one has the right to do things to you that you do not want to happen.
You may tolerate some behavior as part of the normal relationship.
You have choices....you can choose to behave or not.
You can choose to participate in punishment or not
A Dom sub relationship is not the same as a relationship with domestic violence.

If you cannot resolve your differences with conversation, move on
Since you are both new and fumbling around, talk talk talk, and then talk some more
If you think this is more abuse than a Dom/sub thing, move on
You are young and pretty, you will have no problem finding another.

(in reply to txsassykat)

Post #: 3

RE: punishment question - 8/22/2012 8:25:21 AM

txsassykat

Posts: 15
Joined: 8/19/2012
Status: offline

I don't think my message conveyed what I was trying to say. I know I often deserve punishment cause I mess up a lot. But what I was trying to ask is while receiving punishment, do any of you sometimes feel angry while taking the pain whether it's mental or physical. He doesn't always punish me physically. It could be standing in the corner or witholding orgasm or just not touching me at all. But sometimes I feel like I get angry. I suppose it's human nature that when someone inflicts a type of pain on you to get your back up and get mad. Will this go away over time as a sub or do you constantly battle your mind over body type of thing?

(in reply to Char2688)

Post #: 4

RE: punishment question - 8/22/2012 8:35:08 AM

GreedyTop

Posts: 52100
Joined: 5/2/2007
From: Savannah, GA
Status: offline

you say you deserve the punishment.

Why? are you intentionally doing things that will get you punished?

_____________________________

polysnortatious
Supreme Goddess of Snark
CHARTER MEMBER: Lance's Fag Hags!
Waiting for my madman in a Blue Box.

(in reply to txsassykat)

Post #: 5

RE: punishment question - 8/22/2012 8:43:45 AM

OsideGirl

Posts: 14441
Joined: 7/1/2005
From: United States
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: txsassykat
I know I often deserve punishment cause I mess up a lot.

Why are you messing up a lot? We're not being mean, it's actually a crucial question. Because if your Dominant isn't giving you the tools to succeed, then the fault lies with him.

quote:

But what I was trying to ask is while receiving punishment, do any of you sometimes feel angry while taking the pain whether it's mental or physical. He doesn't always punish me physically. It could be standing in the corner or witholding orgasm or just not touching me at all. But sometimes I feel like I get angry. I suppose it's human nature that when someone inflicts a type of pain on you to get your back up and get mad. Will this go away over time as a sub or do you constantly battle your mind over body type of thing?

We don't have a punishment dynamic. When something goes wrong we sit down, have a discussion and try to put measures in place to prevent from happening again.

< Message edited by OsideGirl -- 8/22/2012 8:44:25 AM >

_____________________________

Give a girl the right shoes and she will conquer the world. ~ Marilyn Monroe

The Accelerated Velocity of Terminological Inexactitude

(in reply to txsassykat)

Post #: 6

RE: punishment question - 8/22/2012 8:45:14 AM

txsassykat

Posts: 15
Joined: 8/19/2012
Status: offline

I mean if he puts me under orgasm control and then I can't help it and still orgasm....I get punished. Stuff like that. Answering Him, but forgetting to end the sentence with "Sir".

(in reply to GreedyTop)

Post #: 7

RE: punishment question - 8/22/2012 8:51:17 AM

GreedyTop

Posts: 52100
Joined: 5/2/2007
From: Savannah, GA
Status: offline

*SNARK-FREE RESPONSE*

I personally am NOT able to stop an orgasm once it starts. if my partner gets me to that edge? Well, that's all she wrote, and I am incapable of stopping myself from going over the edge. A partner that actively tries to make the orgasm end will be a partner that is seeing the outside of the front door REALLY fast. the partner should, IMO, be paying enough attentio0n to the body language to know when it will fall into place, on either side of the edge.

the "sir" thing. hey, you are both new. it takes getting used to!!

I have a hard time with it because - to me - SIR is used for older men/guests at the hotel where I work, and such.

Really, hon, you need to talk to him. and HE needs to HEAR you. COmmunication is the vital thing here, IMO.

(edited to try for clarity)

< Message edited by GreedyTop -- 8/22/2012 8:53:46 AM >

_____________________________

polysnortatious
Supreme Goddess of Snark
CHARTER MEMBER: Lance's Fag Hags!
Waiting for my madman in a Blue Box.

(in reply to txsassykat)

Post #: 8

RE: punishment question - 8/22/2012 8:51:28 AM

poise

Posts: 9509
Joined: 7/3/2010
Status: offline

I'm even more confused now, because you first said he punishes you for every little thing, then changed it to you
deserving punishment because you mess up alot. and yet, your profile says the D/s relationship is only in the bedroom.
I'm having a hard time imagining how someone can mess up alot during bedroom activities.

Assuming you are being punished for messing up in the bedroom, perhaps your anger is more out of frustration and
resentment for him not being patient enough to help you succeed at his expectations? I know I would be pretty angry
to always be considered a failure even when I am trying my best. Also keep in mind that there are many successful
D/s relationships that don't operate with punishment dynamics, but rely on good communication instead.

You might find some very helpful reading here in this book list, as well as in some of the older posts here on the forums.
http://www.collarchat.com/m_1726118/tm.htm

_____________________________

When the path ignites a soul, there’s no remaining in place.

(in reply to txsassykat)

Post #: 9

RE: punishment question - 8/22/2012 8:54:49 AM

GreedyTop

Posts: 52100
Joined: 5/2/2007
From: Savannah, GA
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: poise

I'm even more confused now, because you first said he punishes you for every little thing, then changed it to you
deserving punishment because you mess up alot. and yet, your profile says the D/s relationship is only in the bedroom.
I'm having a hard time imagining how someone can mess up alot during bedroom activities.

Assuming you are being punished for messing up in the bedroom, perhaps your anger is more out of frustration and
resentment for him not being patient enough to help you succeed at his expectations? I know I would be pretty angry
to always be considered a failure even when I am trying my best. Also keep in mind that there are many successful
D/s relationships that don't operate with punishment dynamics, but rely on good communication instead.

You might find some very helpful reading here in this book list, as well as in some of the older posts here on the forums.
http://www.collarchat.com/m_1726118/tm.htm

this too.

_____________________________

polysnortatious
Supreme Goddess of Snark
CHARTER MEMBER: Lance's Fag Hags!
Waiting for my madman in a Blue Box.

(in reply to poise)

Post #: 10

RE: punishment question - 8/22/2012 8:56:51 AM

txsassykat

Posts: 15
Joined: 8/19/2012
Status: offline

Yes, my boyfriend is my Dom, but we don't live it 24/7, just in the bedroom. He's very serious about us both learning. I guess cause I am so new at this, I tend to mess up a lot and gosh, I don't get away with anything. But I think you are right poise...I think perhaps I am getting frustrating cause my failures are constantly being pointed out. I have talked with Him about U/us being so new and that i don't think i will respond well to being punished over every little mistake. Baby steps. But then again...I'm not the one in control. The physical stuff I can take...the mental stuff is the most challenging part. I love that I have found this site!!!!

(in reply to poise)

Post #: 11

RE: punishment question - 8/22/2012 9:00:02 AM

txsassykat

Posts: 15
Joined: 8/19/2012
Status: offline

Love your response too Greedy. I think it's cause we are such newbies...it's finding that fine line of how much to push and stuff. Just heard of so many subs who seem to be like "Whatever Master says". And it's like they can't think for themselves.

(in reply to txsassykat)

Post #: 12

RE: punishment question - 8/22/2012 9:07:46 AM

OsideGirl

Posts: 14441
Joined: 7/1/2005
From: United States
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: txsassykat

Answering Him, but forgetting to end the sentence with "Sir".

Well, clearly, punishing you for forgetting the word "sir" isn't working. He's the Dominant, it's up to him to figure out something that does work. For instance, many find that repetition works better than punishment.

As for orgasm control. It's not easy. I can almost always hold an orgasm once it's started, but not always......and that took years to achieve. It requires practice, which inherently means there's going to be some failures. Just like a figure skater doesn't land their first double axle that they attempt. They may not even land the first 50.

_____________________________

Give a girl the right shoes and she will conquer the world. ~ Marilyn Monroe

The Accelerated Velocity of Terminological Inexactitude

(in reply to txsassykat)

Post #: 13

RE: punishment question - 8/22/2012 9:13:27 AM

kalikshama

Posts: 14805
Joined: 8/8/2010
Status: offline

quote:

But what I was trying to ask is while receiving punishment, do any of you sometimes feel angry while taking the pain whether it's mental or physical.

Like many people, I do not have a punishment (or funishment) dynamic.

I would feel angry and resentful if someone wanted to punish me rather than talk things out. Actually, I wouldn't enter into a relationship with someone who wanted a punishment dynamic. (I'm not knocking those who do; it's just not for me.)

_____________________________

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(in reply to txsassykat)

Post #: 14

RE: punishment question - 8/22/2012 9:13:49 AM

txsassykat

Posts: 15
Joined: 8/19/2012
Status: offline

Thanks Oside Girl- I was beginning to think that maybe I mess up too often, so it's good to know things like orgasm control take awhile to perfect. I guess I am a slow learner with referring to him as Sir. I think it's cause he's also my BF, so some habits are hard to break since I don't refer to him as Sir outside of the bedroom. My bad.

(in reply to OsideGirl)

Post #: 15

RE: punishment question - 8/22/2012 9:16:50 AM

txsassykat

Posts: 15
Joined: 8/19/2012
Status: offline

kalikshama- I think you are right. I think he and i need to talk more about all these punishments cause it's not really working. I just get frustrated more. But to his offense, I think he does it because all we know is what we have seen online since we are so new to this. And all the online videos seem very punish happy. lol.

(in reply to txsassykat)

Post #: 16

RE: punishment question - 8/22/2012 9:22:47 AM

crazyml

Posts: 5568
Joined: 7/3/2007
Status: offline

Snarky dominant dude's perspective...

If you've agreed to orgasm denial, and you're sneaking off to play a few tunes on the lady ukulele, then either shut the fuck up and take your punishment or find another dom.

If he's getting you all riled up and bringing you to the edge of orgasm which then results in your tipping over - then he should take the punishment, and make more of an effort to read you right.

If you've agreed to call him Sir.... (and I say this reluctantly as the very idea of insisting on an honorific makes me shudder)... then when you forget then you need to shut the fuck up and take the punishment.

Now... as for feelings of resentment during punishment.... I'd say that was fairly natural. But if the resentment persists, then you need to talk to your dom because if you're unhappy with the dynamic, then well... it needs to change or you need to walk.

_____________________________

Remember.... There's always somewhere on the planet where it's jackass o'clock.

(in reply to txsassykat)

Post #: 17

RE: punishment question - 8/22/2012 9:27:09 AM

GreedyTop

Posts: 52100
Joined: 5/2/2007
From: Savannah, GA
Status: offline

sassy, you have cmail.

_____________________________

polysnortatious
Supreme Goddess of Snark
CHARTER MEMBER: Lance's Fag Hags!
Waiting for my madman in a Blue Box.

(in reply to crazyml)

Post #: 18

RE: punishment question - 8/22/2012 9:28:49 AM

Buzzzz

Posts: 839
Joined: 11/28/2010
Status: offline

You both are new and it looks like you need to talk. For example the "sir" thing. You stated that he wants to be called sir in the bedroom and that he is your bf and don't call him sir outside of the bedroom.

That right there is nearly an impossible task. Basically , you have to call him "sir" when he feels like it. I would have him tell you for example " ok , starting now is "sir time" until we leave to work in the am " or something like that. You would check with him to see if you think you can do it , agree to it and then to it.
If you fail , you will understand why and the task you had was very specific.

_____________________________

_"Here is something you should never do to anyone.And here is exactly how to do it to someone you care about". Flagg._

(in reply to txsassykat)

Post #: 19

RE: punishment question - 8/22/2012 9:30:33 AM

crazyml

Posts: 5568
Joined: 7/3/2007
Status: offline

boo! I thought, since you seemed to be replying me, that you were calling me sassy and telling me I had cmail. But now I realise it was for the op.

<sniffles>

_____________________________

Remember.... There's always somewhere on the planet where it's jackass o'clock.

(in reply to GreedyTop)

Post #: 20

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