Touching

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chemeli -> Touching (8/22/2012 4:46:38 PM)
How to go from contact-I-wish-to-be-closer-to-you vs Touch-of-dominance-over-you ? How has it progressed for you in the beginning of your relationship? I’ll explain, even if it seems at first to be a little matter only, but it bothered me. I went to a couple of dates with a Dom lately. And we got along well, laughed and I felt it clicked, personality wise. I guess he felt it as well, for during the next dates we had, without us talking about it first, he began to pat my head during long period, enough to make me asking why? during those times and making me uncomfortable. I’m guessing those patting are meant for me to feel more submissive towards him and I’m guessing, is this the usual path Doms use to keep contact or to establish a link between the sub and themselves? I guess (yeah, lots of guessing here) what I’m trying to ask is how do you know how to take the next step? Does it come naturally and then, you don’t have to talk about it, the sub just submit and the Dom dom because he feels the right to go ahead? Or do you actually talk, logically, like the follow-up of a recipe, do A. and then B. and then, when we’ll come to C, then this will happen. Instinct or logic? Like with any relationship, you want to please and be the best you can be to please the other, so as not to upset things, I didn’t say anything. I wanted to know what would happen and I wanted to know how it made me feel and to analyse why. Maybe the fact that he wants to go forward and It’s actually not the pace that I need to go makes me go uncomfortable? But, as I’m so inexperienced with this, I want to know and experiment, so I tend to let go of little things like this. Argh. Maybe we’re just not compatible, and yet, it’s too soon to know.

ARIES83 -> RE: Touching (8/22/2012 5:25:36 PM)
It just sounds out like he's trying some move that is suppose to make you feel a certain way, and it's obviously not having much effect, no diffrent than nibbleing a chicks ear that doesn't find that thing arousing or whatever. Head patting may have worked for his previous girl but obviously it ain't giving you goosebumps or anything, I think you need to bring up that fact carefully because he might get embraced that he's been doing the "Moves" and they haven't been doing anything. (btw... Long "head patting sessions"! I'm trying my best not to laugh my ass off here!) As for how to go from physical touching to more D/s stuff at the start, that's so much up to your individual personalities, try to start playful wrestling maby, he might not like it though... I have no ide what he's like, I would like it and with me it would lead to me getting in a bit of a more forceful head space. ( definitly would Not be head patting that's for sure!) You may just need to ask him whats the head the patting for, when he tells you and you say "yerrrrr Not working" he may switch to some moves that work and everything will be a mooy point baby! Enjoy. -ARIES

kitkat105 -> RE: Touching (8/22/2012 5:33:29 PM)
Long head patting.. Hmmm. Maybe he just likes your hair?

limpshorty -> RE: Touching (8/22/2012 5:36:52 PM)
Always turn toward the caress, and extend toward the one caressing. Assuming you can move. Pat on the head? If you like it, if it does mean something warm, and exciting, wriggle a bit. Be genuine, though, not wrote. Just my reactions. Not a code of conduct. Limpshorty

chemeli -> RE: Touching (8/22/2012 5:39:00 PM)
grin thank you for your input Aries, it does sound a bit silly (head patting sessions) now that i think about it [:D] yeah communication issue sure, that's obvious. I just dont know how to say this without upsetting him, i just dont know him enough and still am trying to figure him out. He told me once, when i told him just that, that he was kind of a chameleon and had different sides of him, adaptable to every person/situation he was in. As i'm myself kind of an emotional chameleon, we're mirroring each other and it's hard for me to read him. We are still ( i guess, cause there has been no relationship talk at this point, we're still trying to suss each other out, no pun intended) dancing around each other at this point. Soooooo... yeah. I'll see. Do you have to actually scene with the other person to know you're not compatible Top/bottom wise? Just a thought.

needlesandpins -> RE: Touching (8/22/2012 5:39:40 PM)
treat it like any other relationship. talk about your likes, dislikes, limits and so on together, and what pace you want to go at. these things can be organic and change as the relationship goes on. being a sub/slave does mean you have no say. if he does want to talk, doesn't like being questioned and such then maybe he's not right for you. if he's a decent guy then he should want to do the same. needles

chemeli -> RE: Touching (8/22/2012 5:42:55 PM)
kitkat, maybe... i didnt think about this. limpshorty, I'm trying to be genuine, but i want to be flexible as well. I'm experimenting here and if at each time i'm uncomfortable at something, i say stop, dont touch me or dont do that, well, if i act as if i dont want to get to know him ..... how will that help me find out what i like?

CRYPTICLXVI -> RE: Touching (8/22/2012 5:43:09 PM)
[image]http://www.newsofdelhi.com/wp-content/uploads/2011/09/Cat-Attack.gif[/image]

OsideGirl -> RE: Touching (8/22/2012 5:43:21 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: chemeli grin thank you for your input Aries, it does sound a bit silly (head patting sessions) now that i think about it [:D] yeah communication issue sure, that's obvious. I just dont know how to say this without upsetting him, i just dont know him enough and still am trying to figure him out. Tell him just like that. If he's not willing to wait until you are comfortable, then you get to know early on that he doesn't respect your limits. quote: Do you have to actually scene with the other person to know you're not compatible Top/bottom wise? Just a thought. Nope. For me it's always been that I actually have to LIKE that person, not what he is , but WHO he is.

chemeli -> RE: Touching (8/22/2012 5:51:24 PM)
Hilarious as always Cryptic ;) Thank you OsideGirl. I do like him, that's a start ^^

DarkSteven -> RE: Touching (8/22/2012 5:51:50 PM)
Okay, so head pats don't do it for you. Is it them, or the entire idea of him touching you? You're thinking of this as a dealbreaker, and it shouldn't be. Tell him that patting your head doesn't do it, and ask him to experiment. Stroking your arm? Something else? He's signaling that he wants to get physical with you. If you're okay with that, say so. If not, ask him to hold off. I'm having a hard time reading you. It sounds like you're thinking of him as a friend only, and don't feel submissive to him. And yet you want to feel that way.

chemeli -> RE: Touching (8/22/2012 6:01:18 PM)
DarkSteven, I have no problem with him touching me, we hug, but the patting on the head is the bother. A friend? you made me think here....i never thought of him that way and yet, well....maybe you're right. I have to think about this. I dont have any men friends, so it's kinda hard for me to maybe, make a difference. There are the men i'm interested in and there are others, but friends? I tend to make men more nice acquaintances then close friends. Maybe he could be the first...

CRYPTICLXVI -> RE: Touching (8/22/2012 6:04:57 PM)
Patting on the head can be perceived in a couple of different ways... one, it can be seen as a sign of affection, more likely though, it can be seen as patronizing. The action is probably a way to signal your "position" as stated but it appears to be triggering negative connotations which may not be part of a dynamic which works for you. Just as being slapped in the face during certain activities can be either a turn on or a humiliation. Personally, I would stick with the cat...

DesFIP -> RE: Touching (8/22/2012 6:11:58 PM)
I'm curious as to why you didn't feel okay asking him about it, and don't feel okay saying 'that feels weird'. Because for us, part of the chemistry was that we could talk about anything. Including why and whether or not something was having the desired result. As far as being friends, I hope you will be before you move onto anything else.

chemeli -> RE: Touching (8/22/2012 6:24:45 PM)
DesFIP, well, maybe with the introspection that everyone has given me, i'll be more outgoing about it. During that time, i felt that it was my role to behave and not to argue....the perfect submissive. I'm a perfectionnist in most things and well....i tried to be this as well. Cryptic, actually, i felt exactly like the cat on your gif. Except, well....i'm too polite to act that way ^^ thank you for your input.

DesFIP -> RE: Touching (8/22/2012 6:35:31 PM)
But I don't think it should be a role. I think it should be a natural response to the dominant energy he gives off. If it's a role, then eventually you won't feel like acting. What happens then? He's used to someone different than the authentic you and you become resentful because he doesn't like the real you. Someone he never had the opportunity to meet. I imagine the head patting was akin to saying 'good girl' but that's a guess. Ask him, and ask him if the perfect obedient sub who never says anything other than yes master is what he wants. Because it would be a hell of a thing for him to reject you for never saying anything real, never being vulnerable and open and honest, because you somehow believe that the perfect sub is a stepford wife. That may be the perfect sub for some, but not all. Wouldn't you prefer it if he thought the perfect sub was the real you?

ARIES83 -> RE: Touching (8/22/2012 6:39:40 PM)
Another thing I'll add quickly, is the fact he said he's a "Chameleon" that just said to me, "I don't have strong prefrences or a consistant persona" And that gives me pause for thought... That may be the root of the lack of chemistry possibly. Do you think you would be more into it, if you had a clearly defined picture of who he was, how he acts an what he expects? -ARIES

LadyHibiscus -> RE: Touching (8/22/2012 6:45:35 PM)
Some forms of touch are just off putting, and how will he know unless you tell him. Personally, I HATE being kissed on the forehead. Harmless gesture of affection, makes me grit my teeth.

DarkSteven -> RE: Touching (8/22/2012 7:18:53 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: ARIES83 Another thing I'll add quickly, is the fact he said he's a "Chameleon" that just said to me, "I don't have strong prefrences or a consistant persona" And that gives me pause for thought... That may be the root of the lack of chemistry possibly. Do you think you would be more into it, if you had a clearly defined picture of who he was, how he acts an what he expects? -ARIES I agree. It sounds like he doesn't think of himself as really Dominant, and you're not getting Dominant vibes from him, Also... you, as a submissive, are required to be submissive toward your Dom. Since this guy is not your Dom, you don't have a need to feel submissive to him. If it happens, cool, but don't force it.

subbingincalif -> RE: Touching (8/22/2012 7:38:10 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: chemeli I’m guessing those patting are meant for me to feel more submissive towards him and I’m guessing, is this the usual path Doms use to keep contact or to establish a link between the sub and themselves? There is no usual path. So instead of doing all the guessing, why not just be open and talk? If you aren't comfortable with something say so. If you want to know how he thinks things might progress, ask. Don't treat it like it's some weird science experiment where you just have to sit back and see what happens when it happens. Be honest, open and communicative.

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