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Good punishment ideas - 8/23/2012 11:11:17 AM

SubmissiveAbbi

Posts: 18
Joined: 7/19/2009
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My husband/Dom are very new to the lifestyle with me having more experience looking at it online. He and I have never been in a purely bdsm relationship. So we lack a lot of what you would gain from a "community" the ideas and all that.

I deserve punishment a lot, and he just and I don't know what punishments would be good for me. Spanking is almost put because hand spanking just turns me on, it does nothing else and doesn't make me behave just want to act out more. There are punishments out there that I know I would NEVER do! I'm not sure of I'm just not ready for them yet or they truly would be good punishments I just don't want them or if they're hard limits.

The main issue is I can't prescribe punishments for myself because I don't want to be so harsh.

So subs can you please give me ideas about what types of punishments your Dom does for you. I DO NOT WANT ANYONE SAYING "you're a bad sub for not giving yourself punishment" I DO NOT NEED ANYONE GIVING ANYTHING BUT ADVICE! Thank you]

< Message edited by SubmissiveAbbi -- 8/23/2012 11:22:48 AM >

Post #: 1

RE: Good punishment ideas - 8/23/2012 11:17:35 AM

crazyml

Posts: 5568
Joined: 7/3/2007
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You have time to edit your post.

I'd advise you to take the font size down... it comes over as shouting really loud.

Which will really piss people off.

Then I'll help you with your question!

love'n'hugs.

_____________________________

Remember.... There's always somewhere on the planet where it's jackass o'clock.

(in reply to SubmissiveAbbi)

Post #: 2

RE: Good punishment ideas - 8/23/2012 11:18:55 AM

LadyHibiscus

Posts: 27124
Joined: 8/15/2005
From: Island Of Misfit Toys
Status: offline

Why do you think that you deserve punishment a lot?

_____________________________

[page 23 girl]

(in reply to crazyml)

Post #: 3

RE: Good punishment ideas - 8/23/2012 11:19:08 AM

OsideGirl

Posts: 14441
Joined: 7/1/2005
From: United States
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: SubmissiveAbbi

I deserve punishment a lot, and he just and I don't know what punishments would be good for me.

So, the first question is why so you deserve punishment a lot?

_____________________________

Give a girl the right shoes and she will conquer the world. ~ Marilyn Monroe

The Accelerated Velocity of Terminological Inexactitude

(in reply to SubmissiveAbbi)

Post #: 4

RE: Good punishment ideas - 8/23/2012 11:21:59 AM

SubmissiveAbbi

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Joined: 7/19/2009
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Apologies I'm trying to do this all on my phone and clearly didn't do it well.

(in reply to crazyml)

Post #: 5

RE: Good punishment ideas - 8/23/2012 11:24:29 AM

crazyml

Posts: 5568
Joined: 7/3/2007
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Grin. No worries.

So here are some questions...

1) Why do you deserve punishment so often?
2) Do you love your husband?
3) How do you feel about disappointing him?
4) What do you think you could do, without punishment, to improve your performance?

_____________________________

Remember.... There's always somewhere on the planet where it's jackass o'clock.

(in reply to SubmissiveAbbi)

Post #: 6

RE: Good punishment ideas - 8/23/2012 11:25:04 AM

SubmissiveAbbi

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Joined: 7/19/2009
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Maybe I phrased that wrong. I don't deserve punishment A LOT but more punishment then I'm getting which is NONE because we can't think of any thing that will work. Clearly spanking just plays with me, he might as well punish me with sex. I don't necessarily mess up a lot but were both learning and he does need some punishments for me while we learn the lifestyle for us :))

(in reply to LadyHibiscus)

Post #: 7

RE: Good punishment ideas - 8/23/2012 11:30:55 AM

SubmissiveAbbi

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Joined: 7/19/2009
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1) answered in last post :))
2) I love him a lot, so very very much
3) I hate disappointing him but we also have yet to develop clear rules. He is still (to his own personal admission) trying to work on his end of the deal and needs punishments that will be effective. He gets discouraged because as much as I would like to be good all the time, I'm not and spanking doesn't work. On top of that not punishing me just does the opposite, hence the need for punishments that work.
4) Clearly the answer should be easy as "stop messing up", but I'm far from perfect all the time and sometimes need punished if nothing more to establish he won't just ignore my mistakes and for me to be very clear that stepping out will have punishments.

(in reply to crazyml)

Post #: 8

RE: Good punishment ideas - 8/23/2012 11:31:46 AM

OsideGirl

Posts: 14441
Joined: 7/1/2005
From: United States
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quote:

ORIGINAL: SubmissiveAbbi

Maybe I phrased that wrong. I don't deserve punishment A LOT but more punishment then I'm getting which is NONE because we can't think of any thing that will work. Clearly spanking just plays with me, he might as well punish me with sex. I don't necessarily mess up a lot but were both learning and he does need some punishments for me while we learn the lifestyle for us :))

My personal opinion: Since you're both new, neither one of you know the tools that you will need to succeed at the tasks you are given. Because he doesn't know how to provide those tools yet, he is basically punishing you for his lack of knowledge. I think until you have some ground under you, you should probably approach at a different angle and ease into a punishment dynamic, if that's what you both desire.

Honestly, I have found that repetition is the best way to learn. Keep repeating until you're getting it right, then punishment for lapses.

< Message edited by OsideGirl -- 8/23/2012 11:32:51 AM >

_____________________________

Give a girl the right shoes and she will conquer the world. ~ Marilyn Monroe

The Accelerated Velocity of Terminological Inexactitude

(in reply to SubmissiveAbbi)

Post #: 9

RE: Good punishment ideas - 8/23/2012 11:33:17 AM

AthenaSurrenders

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Joined: 3/15/2012
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Truly Abbi, no one can answer this but you and your partner.

We have a punishment dynamic, many people here do not. It is a bit of a hot topic as opinions are greatly divided on whether it should be used and how.

So some questions:

-You 'deserve' punishment. Are we talking you being defiant, making honest mistakes, playing up for attention, or is this a game where you find offenses to use in a punishment scene?

I know this is boring, but if you're constantly misbehaving (beyond something you both agree is fun and hot) it perhaps means things aren't working right. And I say that in a non-judgmental way - heck, I just admitted in another thread what a nightmare I was when I first started out. So first things first: lots of talking about why you disobey. Are you doing too much too soon? Is he asking things you're not comfortable with? Do you feel he's inconsistent and you need to push for boundaries?

- What do you want the punishment to achieve?

If you want a deterrent, he needs to choose something you don't like. Doesn't have to push your limits, it could just be something tedious or unpleasant, like watching Highlander 2. If you want it to actually solve the problem, then it needs to work towards that - if you're always late, for example, you might have to work together on your time keeping skills. I'm sure you know this already, but if you decide to use punishment, it needs to be in addition to adult communication and not a substitute.

We do use physical punishment, but I'm not a masochist - he does things that don't feel good. That doesn't work for everyone and takes a lot of trust. For me the pain, especially when it's more than I can easily take, is cathartic. May not be that way for you.

You can google 'punishment ideas' and come up with thousands, but ultimately you need to a) address the reasons for misbehavior and b)figure out what the aim of the punishment is.

_____________________________

Being your slave, what should I do but tend
Upon the hours and times of your desire?

(in reply to SubmissiveAbbi)

Post #: 10

RE: Good punishment ideas - 8/23/2012 11:35:10 AM

SubmissiveAbbi

Posts: 18
Joined: 7/19/2009
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: OsideGirl

My personal opinion: Since you're both new, neither one of you know the tools that you will need to succeed at the tasks you are given. Because he doesn't know how to provide those tools yet, he is basically punishing you for his lack of knowledge. I think until you have some ground under you, you should probably approach at a different angle and ease into a punishment dynamic, if that's what you both desire.

Honestly, I have found that repetition is the best way to learn. Keep repeating until you're getting it right, then punishment for lapses.

What do you mean by a punishment dynamic??

(in reply to OsideGirl)

Post #: 11

RE: Good punishment ideas - 8/23/2012 11:37:00 AM

crazyml

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Joined: 7/3/2007
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Grin... yep, I saw you'd covered 1.

I reckon with your answers to the other three you're getting there.

You love him dearly, and you don't want to disappoint.

- When I've chatted to sub's I've been in a relationship in the past, they've always said "your disappointment is the worst punishment".

The lack of clarity is going to make things really hard for you both - I think this is the first thing you have to work on.

And... I'd encourage you to reflect more on question 4. You need to make a commitment to yourself, the man you love and the marriage you have made, to figure out how to reduce the amount of punishment you deserve.

And when you do deserve punishments... And you only deserve a punishment if things are really clear, perhaps they should focus on the disappointment you've caused?

Sure you could do "Corner time", "sitting in silence", "writing lines" etc etc.

But I reckon that between you, with a lot of communication, you can nail this

_____________________________

Remember.... There's always somewhere on the planet where it's jackass o'clock.

(in reply to SubmissiveAbbi)

Post #: 12

RE: Good punishment ideas - 8/23/2012 11:37:53 AM

LaTigresse

Posts: 26123
Joined: 1/15/2006
Status: offline

pun·ish·ment
[puhn-ish-muhnt] Show IPA

noun
1.
the act of punishing.

2.
the fact of being punished, as for an offense or fault.

3.
a penalty inflicted for an offense, fault, etc.

4.
severe handling or treatment.

dy·nam·ic
[dahy-nam-ik] Show IPA

adjective Also, dy·nam·i·cal.
1.
pertaining to or characterized by energy or effective action; vigorously active or forceful; energetic: the dynamic president of the firm.

_____________________________

My twisted, self deprecating, sense of humour, finds alot to laugh about, in your lack of one!

Just because you are well educated, articulate, and can use big, fancy words, properly........does not mean you are right!

(in reply to SubmissiveAbbi)

Post #: 13

RE: Good punishment ideas - 8/23/2012 11:42:31 AM

AthenaSurrenders

Posts: 3582
Joined: 3/15/2012
Status: offline

Abbi as someone who has been there I completely understand the desire to have all of this figured out and working perfectly right from day one. That was my mindset going in, and it made it harder for me because I wasn't giving myself any breaks - you're both learning and creating this new dynamic and it does take time.

What really worked for us is going slowly. Pick one or two things, figure out some clear expectations and start from there. You have your whole lives to perfect it.

_____________________________

Being your slave, what should I do but tend
Upon the hours and times of your desire?

(in reply to crazyml)

Post #: 14

RE: Good punishment ideas - 8/23/2012 11:44:01 AM

SubmissiveAbbi

Posts: 18
Joined: 7/19/2009
Status: offline

We are again very very new to this. I have always been naturally submissive. My husband was raised in a way that this would never ever be allowed, he loves it and the play turns him on, he says that he wants to Dom, but having seen something of the opposite growing up and never seeing if played out for him he feels he doesn't know where to begin (as he has told me). On top of that his personality is one to avoid confrontation, so we are both working on making issues going smoother. Please understand punishment won't be to replace communication more as a second form of communication, but still of course using real communication first and foremost. We both love each other desperately, I long to please him and he wants to dominate but I feel like when I bring the subject up he feels I've thrown him onto stage and demanded performance (which is in no way what I'm trying to do). He wants to start slow like dipping his toes in the pool of D/s relationship dynamics, whereas I would love to dive head first, clearly we are going to go slowly not head first. I want to give him good ideas of punishments so that when I do require it he can exercise the control we long for him to feel.

We want this so badly but it just seems like we keep meeting a brick wall and both of us are discouraged.

(in reply to AthenaSurrenders)

Post #: 15

RE: Good punishment ideas - 8/23/2012 11:44:56 AM

OsideGirl

Posts: 14441
Joined: 7/1/2005
From: United States
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: SubmissiveAbbi

quote:

ORIGINAL: OsideGirl

My personal opinion: Since you're both new, neither one of you know the tools that you will need to succeed at the tasks you are given. Because he doesn't know how to provide those tools yet, he is basically punishing you for his lack of knowledge. I think until you have some ground under you, you should probably approach at a different angle and ease into a punishment dynamic, if that's what you both desire.

Honestly, I have found that repetition is the best way to learn. Keep repeating until you're getting it right, then punishment for lapses.

What do you mean by a punishment dynamic??

Meaning that your relationship involves punishment.

quote:

ORIGINAL: AthenaSurrenders

If you want a deterrent, he needs to choose something you don't like. Doesn't have to push your limits, it could just be something tedious or unpleasant, like watching Highlander 2.

I would certainly view that as punishment.

_____________________________

Give a girl the right shoes and she will conquer the world. ~ Marilyn Monroe

The Accelerated Velocity of Terminological Inexactitude

(in reply to SubmissiveAbbi)

Post #: 16

RE: Good punishment ideas - 8/23/2012 11:46:36 AM

SubmissiveAbbi

Posts: 18
Joined: 7/19/2009
Status: offline

I agree completely, which is why I posted for punishment ideas so that when a situation arises we can try to work on this.

(in reply to AthenaSurrenders)

Post #: 17

RE: Good punishment ideas - 8/23/2012 11:56:57 AM

OsideGirl

Posts: 14441
Joined: 7/1/2005
From: United States
Status: offline

I just wanted to add some of my thoughts on this subject:

So many people come here looking for punishment ideas, instead of looking for ideas to help them learn.

Many D types think that they can give an order and it magically happens. When the reality is that until things are pretty established, most commands will need to explained and defined. If he orders me to make dinner with no clarification and then ends up with something he doesn't want, it's not entirely the submissives fault. It's his failure as well because he didn't define what he wants or needs. Submissives are not mind readers.

Many S types when presented with a commandment where they don't know exactly what is being asked, somehow think that they should be able to psychically divine what is being commanded and forge ahead because they're either too embarrassed to admit, think it will be viewed poorly, or think they understand when they don't. So, in that incorrect dinner order the submissive's only fault lies in not asking for it to be clarified, not in the dinner being wrong. The opposite is also true: Dominants are not mind readers and unless you say you don't understand, they won't know that you don't understand.

Let's make that even clearer: if you didn't know how to write, someone handed you a pencil and told you to write....and then punished you for not being able to write.....would you learn anything from that experience?

_____________________________

Give a girl the right shoes and she will conquer the world. ~ Marilyn Monroe

The Accelerated Velocity of Terminological Inexactitude

(in reply to OsideGirl)

Post #: 18

RE: Good punishment ideas - 8/23/2012 11:57:11 AM

UllrsIshtar

Posts: 3693
Joined: 7/28/2012
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: AthenaSurrenders

- What do you want the punishment to achieve?

If you want a deterrent, he needs to choose something you don't like. Doesn't have to push your limits, it could just be something tedious or unpleasant, like watching Highlander 2. If you want it to actually solve the problem, then it needs to work towards that - if you're always late, for example, you might have to work together on your time keeping skills. I'm sure you know this already, but if you decide to use punishment, it needs to be in addition to adult communication and not a substitute.

This very much so... and if that's not an issue and you guys communicate well already and are not using punishments as a substitute for talking then:

quote:

ORIGINAL: SubmissiveAbbi

So subs can you please give me ideas about what types of punishments your Dom does for you.

As far as physical punishments go:

- Cattle prod
- Cane on inner thighs, calfs, bottom of the feet
- Riding crops, same locations as with the cane
- Hand spanking in a "stingy" instead of a "thuddy" way (more fingers, less palm)
- "Stingy" whips/floggers on hip bone (my least favorite spot to be hit... make sure you know how to avoid the kidneys before touching the lower back with anything)
- Being tied up in the shower and hosed down/scrubbed down with ice cold water... he's actually got a hose extension with a broom kit designed to washing cars to do this with... NOT fun!
- Sleeping in a rather small cage, without any blankets/pillows/creature comfort
- Doing chores with certain of these tools, often combined with strict bondage

Non-physical:

- Doing chores/tasks/things extra or again
- Denial of entertainment (often CollarChat is the first thing to go)
- Speech restrictions (which is on the level of "cruel and unusual punishment for somebody like me)
- Being ignored/not allowed to interact with him
- Time-outs
- Not being allowed to sleep with him/in the bed

Now, most all of the things in the "physical" category, he can do in such a way that I really enjoy them. But he can also do all of them in a way I absolutely hate them.
The difference between a deliberate erotic caning, and a punishment caning is the difference between me trusting my ass backwards trying to "meet" the cane and get closer to it, and me bucking against restraints trying to get away from the cane.
It's all in the how.

_____________________________

I can be your whore
I am the dirt you created
I am your sinner
And your whore
But let me tell you something baby
You love me for everything you hate me for

(in reply to AthenaSurrenders)

Post #: 19

RE: Good punishment ideas - 8/23/2012 12:02:15 PM

SubmissiveAbbi

Posts: 18
Joined: 7/19/2009
Status: offline

Thank you. Quite a few of them would be punishments for me that's for sure! I would hate them!!! Thank you so much!!

(in reply to UllrsIshtar)

Post #: 20

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