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RE: BDSM - something you learn or are you born with it? - 6/11/2006 1:22:32 PM   
mastersayed


Posts: 119
Joined: 3/21/2006
Status: offline 		in my opinion you have to have a biological predesposition to like bdsm and then you learn about it

(in reply to MadelineSerenity)
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RE: BDSM - something you learn or are you born with it? - 6/11/2006 1:24:36 PM   
LuckyAlbatross


Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline 		http://www.collarchat.com/m_214456/mpage_1/key_born/tm.htm#214469
Born or created?

Reposted:
I believe my orientation as a slave is innate, just as being bisexual.

However I also believe that one's development and life experiences will change HOW that is expressed and worked through in relationships.


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RE: BDSM - something you learn or are you born with it? - 6/11/2006 1:28:55 PM   
marieToo


Posts: 3595
Joined: 5/21/2006
From: Jersey
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: mastersayed

in my opinion you have to have a biological predesposition to like bdsm and then you learn about it


Yeah I kinda think it's already there, I dont think you learn it.  Personally I can remember having "pervy" thoughts from under the age of 5.  However, when you act on it, may not come for years and years, or never, for some. I was 35 before I acted on it.

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RE: BDSM - something you learn or are you born with it? - 6/11/2006 1:30:40 PM   
juliaoceania


Posts: 21383
Joined: 4/19/2006
From: Somewhere Over the Rainbow
Status: offline 		If you have read many romance novels a common theme in them begins to emerge (I havent read one since high school but I still remember the formula well):

Man seems like an arrogant jerk

Man spurns woman and often acts like he doesn't want/need her

Woman acts the same way although secretly she yearns for the man

Woman is overcome by her feelings

Man lets woman know how he feels by pinning her against the wall and "taking" his kiss

They are swept up in the moment and he overcomes all resistance by overwhelming her senses and not taking no for an answer

It turns out he was never a jerk like she thought in the beginning and he is just a man that is "In control" that she can completely respect and defer to....

The common vanilla romance seems to have much in common with D/s as far as the fantasy of it all. Being overcome, being overwhelmed, having someone take control and sweep you off your feet... Taking what they want from you...smiles. I guess it is more in our subconscious than we would care to admit.

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RE: BDSM - something you learn or are you born with it? - 6/11/2006 1:35:51 PM   
murmur


Posts: 394
Joined: 9/26/2005
Status: offline 		lol Julia, that romance novel description is pretty accurate ;)

for the thread, i think we have it within ourselves till something *click* and let it go free. Who said already that humans didnt know about 90% of their brains? I think it's a bit like that, only focused more on the sensitivity, emotions/feelings.

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RE: BDSM - something you learn or are you born with it? - 6/11/2006 1:41:19 PM   
Vancouver_cinful


Posts: 1911
Joined: 2/3/2004
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: amayos
I believe this behavior has existed in the human animal for many thousands of years. In our contemporary age of moral law it has found other paths in which to flow, much like water. I believe that "teaching" it merely awakens what we are already suited to know.


I agree.

It appears to me that it's innate to human nature to find their place in the pack. Displays of dominance and submission are common in pack animals, and help the individual find a place where it can be reasonably sure it will be welcomed. That need to belong is survival-oriented, and can't be easily dismissed.

As for sexual S+M...well, frankly, as far as I can tell man in the only animal who thinks sex should be gentle and romantic. In most animal it's accomplished only after ritualistic, or real, struggle, and can appear guite violent.

In many ways, romantic, monogamous, sex-gentle relationships appear to be un-natural to us, as primates.

Perhaps those of us who find our way into BDSM are expressing a truer form of human nature? Food for thought.

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RE: BDSM - something you learn or are you born with it? - 6/11/2006 4:08:40 PM   
Proprietrix


Posts: 756
Joined: 7/15/2005
From: Ohio/West Virginia
Status: offline
I think it can be either/or both. Nature? Nurture? Who friggin knows.

I think it comes down to one’s locus of control. Same with the "Are you born gay or do you become it or learn it or choose it."

I personally hold myself accountable for everything in my life. Be it my actions, my emotions, my preferences, whatever. I can force myself to love something that I once hated. It takes practice and determination and motivation and a lot of effort, but I can do it. I can teach myself to hate something I love if I had reason to. I choose my sexuality. I choose my interests. If I had a reason to give up BDSM, I could learn to hate it. If I had a reason to indulge in eating tomatoes (which I hate), I could teach myself to love them. I chose to be a submissive. I chose to be a Dominant. If tomorrow I choose to be vanilla, I will be. I refuse to ever buy into the concept that there is something, innate about me that I don’t choose and have control over.
But that’s me and how I feel.
I don’t discount that others may feel/believe that the lifestyle is innate within them or learned or chosen. It’s different for everyone depending on through which lenses they view the world.

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IMO, IMHO, YMMV, AFAIK, to me, I see it as, from my perspective, it's been my experience, I only speak for myself, (and all other disclaimers here).

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RE: BDSM - something you learn or are you born with it? - 6/11/2006 8:02:31 PM   
MstrTiger


Posts: 417
Joined: 1/14/2006
From: UK
Status: offline
I think BDSM is a learned part of someone’s sexuality rather than an innate one it is something that has to be accepted and developed sort of like a philosophy or an alternate approach to a lifestyle. I think people can be innately sub or Dom or there is at least a built in aspect to it and it requires some social conditioning to awaken whichever the person is predisposed to.

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RE: BDSM - something you learn or are you born with it? - 6/11/2006 8:18:21 PM   
enigmabrat


Posts: 2383
Joined: 8/1/2004
Status: offline 		Honestly I think it is like any other need

I mean the same thing could me said about beeing gay.. are you born that way or does something in life make you that way.

I dont think there really isnt an answer

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RE: BDSM - something you learn or are you born with it? - 6/12/2006 7:45:18 AM   
servicing


Posts: 18
Joined: 5/2/2006
Status: offline 		I think it's learned and reinforced by genetic and other learned character traits.

My first images of sex were laced with D/s.  Later the Gor books reinforced that.  Then later pre-net and post-net years helped me learn more and get more interested in it.  So that is definately learned.  However I have some character traits, some of which are genetic and others learned, that reinforces my submissiveness.  That fits my personality. 

(in reply to MadelineSerenity)
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RE: BDSM - something you learn or are you born with it? - 6/12/2006 7:52:13 AM   
wild1cfl


Posts: 567
Joined: 4/19/2004
Status: offline 		Personally I think it is both, I was definitely born with a propensity to enjoy BDSM,  I always liked leather and rope and would tie the girls up to the post in the barn on our cattle ranch for fun. We always said we were playing cowboys and indians to our parents, but the girls knew better and so did I. As I got older I learned more about BDSM and it all seemed to fit into what I enjoyed. I also enjoyed cooking all my like so I became a trained Chef. Now another reason for feeling that you are born with it is that my brother is also a Dominant and he is awesome with single tails and bullwhips. We both enjoy suspension bondage and often will work together with a submissive that wants to be suspended.

Wild

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RE: BDSM - something you learn or are you born with it? - 6/12/2006 8:17:04 AM   
litleone8620


Posts: 3669
Joined: 6/12/2006
Status: offline 		E/everybody has made really good points. i have always thought i was a natural slave. Yes, i have questioned wheter i'm in the right lifestyle or not, but i think about myself being in a vanilla relationship, and i shake with fright.
For me, i born to serve, but that doesn't mean when a person starts in the BDSM world, they know everything. i might be a slave by birth, but i do not know everything nor am i, by any means, an expert, and i will be ther first to admit it.  In this sense, i agree with MH00314.

Y/you might be a born Dominant/Master or submissive/slave, but Y/you learn things along the way.

i



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RE: BDSM - something you learn or are you born with it? - 6/12/2006 8:32:28 AM   
wkdshdw


Posts: 6
Joined: 6/12/2006
Status: offline 		Being submissive or Dominant is a natural personality trait, seen in all ages(including children). Given it is generally accepted that your overall personality is formed through experiences, a fair portion are going to respond that it is learned.

But, as it's seen in children with no/little social experiances to form this personality trait, I would have to say that it is something you're born with. Again though, personalities can and do change based on experiences, so if someone is dominant and a negitive responce is received, that reinforces being submissive and discourages being dominant - bringing us back to the the original question.

In short, who knows, but it's interesting to think about.

< Message edited by wkdshdw -- 6/12/2006 8:33:24 AM >

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RE: BDSM - something you learn or are you born with it? - 6/12/2006 10:10:31 AM   
LadyJulieAnn


Posts: 979
Joined: 6/29/2005
Status: offline 		I had an interest in bondage and seeing people helpless when I was around age 7.  I used to tie up my dolls and draw gags and ropes on people in magazines .  I kept my interests to myself and didn't act upon those ideas until I was 33 years old.
 
Be well,
Julie

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RE: BDSM - something you learn or are you born with it? - 6/12/2006 7:59:40 PM   
litleone8620


Posts: 3669
Joined: 6/12/2006
Status: offline 		ok, so for argument's sake let's say a person learns to be dominant or submissive, is it something that can be unlearned?

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RE: BDSM - something you learn or are you born with it? - 6/12/2006 8:19:43 PM   
sweetbbwsub31


Posts: 331
Joined: 3/22/2006
Status: offline 		I was born submissive and bisexual.
 
Whether I choose to act upon it (and I do) is entirely a different story. 
 
I believe it's always there but has to be brought to the surface.
 
I didn't truely know the extent of my need to serve until I was about 27.
 
sub tara

< Message edited by sweetbbwsub31 -- 6/12/2006 8:21:08 PM >

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RE: BDSM - something you learn or are you born with it? - 6/12/2006 8:28:44 PM   
crouchingtigress


Posts: 4387
Joined: 3/19/2006
From: Maui
Status: offline 		I think it is learned....

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RE: BDSM - something you learn or are you born with it? - 6/14/2006 2:09:43 AM   
mons


Posts: 2400
Joined: 11/16/2005
Status: offline 		Greeting to all


I understand your question i myself was born this way !
I remember seeing boys or men on tv as a child cry or cryout
in pain and it made me feel so funny, I tried to not feel this and i
knew something was not right, as a teen i hide my feeling but in my 20"s
i remember telling me i want to beat them they would run well walk away fast
but i still did it, I remember my first on he ask me to spank him and lol he mention how
he was not interested in oral sex but he was wonderful at it. he was so sweet younger then i too.
so i wanted to find people like me and i find them on aol at first and was thrill beyond my wildest
dreams so that was it. I love it and when i see a man sometime yes i can tell who is submissive.
so try it

best wishes
mons/jane

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RE: BDSM - something you learn or are you born with it? - 6/14/2006 4:07:47 AM   
ExistentialSteel


Posts: 676
Joined: 1/18/2005
Status: offline 		In regards to a desire for BDSM play, it can also be learned. I think you could take most any adult woman who had only experienced vanilla and start her slowly with spanking, then flogging….space her and you would have someone who would crave that type play from then on. That desire would lead her into the lifestyle where she would learn other aspects of D/s.

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RE: BDSM - something you learn or are you born with it? - 6/14/2006 5:36:19 AM   
angelface183


Posts: 688
Joined: 4/12/2006
Status: offline 		Interesting answers....

For myself, in the past I have enjoyed having past lovers spank me and occasionally pull my hair and even as a rare treat tie me up.  A few months ago I met someone on a vanilla site that spoke to me of BDSM and it awoke a fire in me that I had no idea had been burning.  I had just thought that I was a little kinky, but when I looked back on some of my experiences it made sense.

I have always adapted to please my lovers.  Whether it be my style of dress, the way I speak, or what I cook, I took my cues from them and did what I thought would please them.  I look back and see many things that could be described as submissive behavior in my past relationships.

I remember when I was about 9, I saw a Playboy with a pictorial of a woman in bondage and it affected me deeply.  I also recall that when I was about 6, I used to play Cowboys and Indians with the neighbor kids.  I always wanted to be the Indian princess that was captured and bound.  Now all of it makes perfect sense. 

So for me, it is something that has always been inside me and only in the past few months have I chosen to learn more about it.  I must say though, it feels like I am home! 

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(in reply to ExistentialSteel)
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