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New 'part time' sub seeks advice - 8/28/2012 1:45:44 AM

lkb0503

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RE: New 'part time' sub seeks advice - 8/28/2012 1:57:44 AM

UllrsIshtar

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What exactly do you want advice on?

Are you thinking he's lying to you? If so, why haven't you confronted him?

Are you sure he's really taking care of his mom? If so, what are you upset about? The fact that he isn't more communicative while he's there?

Honestly, I regardless of what you answers on these questions are, I don't see this situation being all that complicated for you to figure out.

If you think he's lying, confront him about it, and if he can't back up his story dump his ass.
If you don't think he's lying, be more supportive and work on your own dependency and insecurity issues.

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RE: New 'part time' sub seeks advice - 8/28/2012 2:17:03 AM

lkb0503

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What exactly do you want advice on? Answer: I am looking for feedback more than advice.

Are you thinking he's lying to you? If so, why haven't you confronted him? Answer: I'm not sure if he is lying, and honestly do not know the best way to confront him, if he is lying.

Are you sure he's really taking care of his mom? Answer: I'm not sure, when he makes these trips he tells e he is there to help her oout, that there is"lots going on, long story. will tell you later"

If so, what are you upset about? Answer: I'm concerned, not upset. I do have trust issues, this sub/Dom thing is new for me.

The fact that he isn't more communicative while he's there? Answer: Yes it bothers me he does not communicate much when he is out of state. He will reply if something 'serious' comes up, like recently I had some health issues which I text him about. he replied quickly.

Honestly, I regardless of what you answers on these questions are, I don't see this situation being all that complicated for you to figure out.

If you think he's lying, confront him about it, and if he can't back up his story dump his ass.
If you don't think he's lying, be more supportive and work on your own dependency and insecurity issues.

Answer: My insecurity issues mainly relate to being new as a sub. I don't see myself as dependent because I don't text him, email ect only when neccesary when he is out of state, Even when he is in town, I wait until he contacts me. I have family, job, college obligations. My Dom is not my life, which is why we both agreed to part time "relationship"d

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RE: New 'part time' sub seeks advice - 8/28/2012 2:44:31 AM

DeviantlyD

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Just from how you're describing it, something doesn't sound kosher.

Regardless of the dynamic, you are trying to establish a relationship with this guy. In that regard, it's no different than any other. If the D/s aspect was not present, how would you respond to this situation? That should provide you with the answers you're seeking.

Edited to add:

A side note: Your profile photo includes a child, which is against the Terms of Service. I would suggest another photo or cropping the child out of the current one.

< Message edited by DeviantlyD -- 8/28/2012 2:45:37 AM >

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RE: New 'part time' sub seeks advice - 8/28/2012 3:35:24 AM

AthenaSurrenders

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Remember: Dom/sub relationships are still relationships.

Mentally replace the word 'dom' with 'boyfriend'. Think of it like this:

'My boyfriend is going away on increasingly frequent trips, which he says are to help his mother out. During these trips he doesn't communicate with me very much and I feel abandoned. I am starting to feel a bit suspicious that he isn't being entirely truthful.'

Now what do you think you should do?

How serious is this relationship? You've been together three months now, which for me is a sort of turning point in a relationship - past the initial 'do we have anything in common' stage but before the 'this might be forever stage'. Are you starting to meet each other's friends? Do your family know he exists?

I would be asking myself:

-Why don't I trust him? Has he given me any reason to think he is lying?
-Has he given me any reassurances that he is committed to me? Does he know that I see us as partners, and not just casual dating? (because it may be that he doesn't see a few weeks away as a big deal)
-Does he have the time to give me what I need in a relationship? (it sounds like multiple trips of more than a week in a three-month period is a bit too much for you?)
-If I don't ask him what he's up to, will the worries eat away at me?
-If I do ask him, will I be hurt if he reacts negatively?
-Assuming I do believe him, is he worth waiting for and can I support him through this?

It doesn't seem like a dom sub issue so much as a new relationship issue. Imagine your friend or daughter was telling you this story. What advice would you give?

PS. Yes, get rid of that picture of a child. I wouldn't want my kid's photo on a kink site and it's against the rules

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RE: New 'part time' sub seeks advice - 8/28/2012 3:39:28 AM

myotherself

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quote:

ORIGINAL: DeviantlyD

Just from how you're describing it, something doesn't sound kosher.

Regardless of the dynamic, you are trying to establish a relationship with this guy. In that regard, it's no different than any other.

^^^This.

If you were dating this guy and he did these 'trips' and stopped communicating for periods of time, what would you do?

I have had some experience of this. In the end I realised I was not happy in a relationship like that, so I ended it. I'm now with a guy who talks to me several times a day, and has done so for over 2 years.

If you are not happy and secure the way the relationship is going now, your choices are:

* accept it and hope you learn to deal with it

*talk to him and hopefully come to a happy compromise

*talk to him and decide to end it

I wish you luck, whatever you decide

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RE: New 'part time' sub seeks advice - 8/28/2012 4:17:27 AM

DarkSteven

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quote:

ORIGINAL: lkb0503

I am a new part time sub. It is part time due to both 'partners' having family, job, ect obligations.

Um, yeah. That defines everyone's relationships, kinky or otherwise.

quote:

I have been in this "relationship" since May 2012.

The word relationship is in quotes. That bodes ill.

quote:

In the past 3 weeks my Dom has had to go out of state due to family issues. (that is what he tells me). These trips have become more frequent and longer stays. Dom always informs me before going and will always say "I'm going back to (city) will be there until (day). Don't be upset if I can't reply to text or email right away. I will be very busy and have to help mom".

When my Dom takes these tips there is very little communication and I end up feeling abandoned. Recently he went on this trip on a Tuesday, a week ago and informed me he would be there a week maybe longer. I text him about a health issue I was having and replied quickly. I asked him when he will return and he did not give me an answer. I would appreciate your feedback, opinions and advice.

I'm not going to definitely say he isn't cheating, but I'm getting non-cheating vibes from this. The big one is that he didn't need to leave until three weeks ago. So you've had him for two-three months before this happened. If there IS cheating, it's recent. And he's been straight with you about how long the trips last.

The three things that jump out at me are

1. You did not describe how his mother's doing. Either he's not sharing it with you, or you didn't describe it to us. It sounds like she may be very sick - if so, I'd expect her condition to dictate his actions.
2. He is with his mother, who is sick. He is with family members, many of whom he likely hasn't seen for years. It'd be natural for him to want to spend uninterrupted time with them. I find it telling that your natural response is to assume he's cheating.
3. "[He] informed me he would be there a week maybe longer... I asked him when he will return and he did not give me an answer." Of course not. He's with his sick mother and has told you he doesn't know how long he'll be there. You're still pestering him about wanting him back. Let me repeat that - he's with a sick mother in her 70s or 80s and doesn't know how much longer he'll have her, and your concern is when he'll return to you. That's telling.

You're screwing this up by being clingy and needy. You have a golden opportunity right now to get closer to him. You should be asking him about how his mother is doing (the uppermost thing in his mind), and asking him to tell you about the other people there, his family. Could he tell you stories about them from his younger days? If he IS cheating (and the more I think about this, the more I think he isn't), he'll get caught in a web of lies. If he's not cheating, you'll get closer to him.

Did you notice that he told you he might not be immediately available to you? And that you thought you had to mention it? He's with friends and family that he hasn't seen for years. OF COURSE he's not going to be at your beck and call. And he's dealing with a LOT right now and your neediness isn't high on his radar.

My suggestions are:

1. Tell him that you miss him. Would it be possible to speak with him every night when he gets some time to himself? Understand that he'll be worn out but you'd love to hear his voice, even for only five minutes. Also, you'd like to just know how he's doing - you know he's under a lot of stress and you're worried about him. DO NOT expect play over the phone - he may opt to do it but he's stretched out and may well not be up to it. Your goal is to be quietly supportive of HIS needs while he's going through a lot.
2. Therapy. You've likely been cheated on before and are dealing with your feelings now, and ignoring what he's going through. You're responding with clinginess and anger, and you're about to bitch up a good relationship. You've got issues and need to deal with them.

Best of luck.

< Message edited by DarkSteven -- 8/28/2012 4:18:51 AM >

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RE: New 'part time' sub seeks advice - 8/28/2012 4:25:22 AM

AthenaSurrenders

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Great advice as usual Steven.

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RE: New 'part time' sub seeks advice - 8/28/2012 4:41:13 AM

Whenready

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I am a new part time sub. It is part time due to both 'partners' having family, job, ect obligations. I have been in this "relationship" since May 2012. In the past 3 weeks my Dom has had to go out of state due to family issues. (that is what he tells me). These trips have become more frequent and longer stays. Dom always informs me before going and will always say "I'm going back to (city) will be there until (day). Don't be upset if I can't reply to text or email right away. I will be very busy and have to help mom".

So... he tells you upfront that he's going away - where, when and why - and not to get upset if you don't hear from him. You don't hear from him, and you get upset.

When my Dom takes these tips there is very little communication and I end up feeling abandoned. Recently he went on this trip on a Tuesday, a week ago and informed me he would be there a week maybe longer. I text him about a health issue I was having and replied quickly. I asked him when he will return and he did not give me an answer. I would appreciate your feedback, opinions and advice.

When a response IS needed he gives it. Sure, he COULD be cheating, but if he is the lies are clever ones. He's told you what to expect. When he gets back tell him "that was hard" and decide what you both want to do about it, if anything.

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RE: New 'part time' sub seeks advice - 8/28/2012 7:57:15 AM

RahvinDom

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I'm confused about the "part time" clause and the fact that you put "relationship" in quotes. To me it sounds like you're conveying that this relationship was intended to be commitment-lite from the getgo, yet that doesn't seem to match up with your expectations.

What does "part time" mean to you?

He seems to be honest with you, so far as can be ascertained from the limited details available. You say you have "trust issues," but do you have a specific reason do distrust him, specifically, in this situation?

Personally, if my sub had trust concerns directed toward me, I'd want her to talk to me about it. Damned near every relationship problem can be solved with more open and honest communication, and that's if anything even more the case with BDSM relationships. Why be anxious and uncertain talking to strangers on the internet when you could just talk to him and let him soothe your fears? Be wary of actual cheating red-flags...but helping out a sick mother is a perfectly plausible reason to need to get out of town with limited contact for a little while. If you're feeling like you still need a little contact, you've received some good advice from others already on how to put a minimal demand on his time and energy while he's helping his family - I know in his situation I'd be very happy to hear a supportive voice for a few minutes in the evenings to connect me back to the world outside of sick family members.

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RE: New 'part time' sub seeks advice - 8/28/2012 8:00:59 AM

UllrsIshtar

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What Steven said, except that I'm not sure the OP said that the mother is sick.

lkb0503, what exactly do you want from this relationship?

You say it's part-time, but do you want it do be? Do you want it to remain? What does he want?

If you want to move to a more full-time relationship, and you don't, you're always going to be dissatisfied about his behavior in situations like these.
The bottom line is that you need to figure out what you want from him, what you need from him, what you're willing to settle for from him, and what you believe he's offering you.
Then you need to figure out if all those things actually align, and if they don't, talk to him about that, and either work something new out, or break up.

You're overcomplicating the situation because there is BDSM involved. You shouldn't do that. You're 55 years old, I'm assuming you've dated before, treat this situation just the same you would when dating a vanilla guy.

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RE: New 'part time' sub seeks advice - 8/28/2012 8:34:28 AM

OsideGirl

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I agree with Steven. I'm also going to add that we can't assume what the Dom wants from this relationship. A part time relationship may be exactly what he's looking for.

From my point of view: If I were casually dating someone, even at three months I wouldn't be discussing the details of my family issues. To me, "part time" infers a casual relationship.

The OP is a new sub, so I'm guessing that part of the issue is sub frenzy.

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RE: New 'part time' sub seeks advice - 8/28/2012 8:38:20 AM

DarkSteven

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quote:

ORIGINAL: UllrsIshtar

I'm not sure the OP said that the mother is sick.

I'll be damned. You're right. She's 55 years old, and I assumed that her Dom would be her age or older, which would peg his mother as mid 70s or older. I somehow translated "family issues" into "sick mother".

I have to say that if the reasons are not explained more clearly than "family issues", that WOULD be a red flag.

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The small-breasted ones want larger breasts. The large-breasted ones want smaller ones. The straight-haired ones curl their hair, and the curly-haired ones straighten theirs...

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RE: New 'part time' sub seeks advice - 8/28/2012 9:00:08 AM

angelikaJ

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I want to follow up with what Steven said.

Whether it is illness or some other aging parent crisis it really does not matter.

In general what an adult child of an aging parent has to do in these situations is stuff like this:
Making sure mom (in this case) is immediately okay and safe.
Helping a parent to accept whatever the big changes that are occurring, assisting with the parent adapting to those changes.
If this is an issue of declining health then the adaptations will be more difficult and the adaptations will have to occur out of necessity or inevitability, maybe both.

Or the issues may be legal and/or financial.
Neither of those are quick and easy to resolve usually, in part because you have to guide the parent through the "This is what needs to happen now." and most people just do not adapt to ultimatums, no matter how scary the circumstance or how obvious the solution seems to be.

All of this is difficult both on the parent and child.

It sounds like your dom is in full on crisis management mode.

This happened to me recently when a serious health crisis hit one of [my] Master's siblings in July.

I was told that He would be off-line for an indefinite period of time and I was not to fuss about how worried I was.

I dealt with it.
I put on my big girl panties and gave him what He asked for and needed.

If you have abandonment issues, this is a good reminder that they need to be dealt with (with a therapist). Likewise if you are dealing with the shadows of past infidelities, because if you don't this time they, will appear another time and bite you in the ass... again.

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RE: New 'part time' sub seeks advice - 8/28/2012 9:25:16 AM

JeffBC

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quote:

ORIGINAL: lkb0503
I'm not sure if he is lying, and honestly do not know the best way to confront him, if he is lying.

You don't. By definition a confrontation is adversarial. Why on earth would you want to shift into adversarial mode here with such a slim bit of "evidence". Why not simply express your fears and concerns and ask him his thoughts on how to calm those fears? Lord knows if Carol ever said anything like that to me I'd be highly motivated to find answers and I don't think they'd be very hard to come to. It would seem like a blessing that such a huge problem was so easily resolved and I'd be thankful she gave me a chance to do it before the molehill became a mountain.

I always like team work.

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RE: New 'part time' sub seeks advice - 8/28/2012 9:42:33 AM

sexyred1

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I always disagree with everyone in situations like this where you start telling the OP she is too needy, etc.

Just because she wants more communication even if they are fuck buddies, is fine for her to want. She just has to communicate to him and not us.

Also, when you ask someone what is going on and they consistently reply, Oh, I am too busy to talk, or very busy, long story, tell you later, that kind of crap, I am suspicious.

If someone is not crystal clear in their answers to me, I too, think they are lying.

Whether or not her relationship is part time or not, she has a right to want what she wants and if cannot or will not provide it, she has the right to walk out, as does he have the right to tell her that he cannot fulfill her needs.

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RE: New 'part time' sub seeks advice - 8/28/2012 11:10:51 AM

UllrsIshtar

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quote:

ORIGINAL: sexyred1

Whether or not her relationship is part time or not, she has a right to want what she wants and if cannot or will not provide it, she has the right to walk out, as does he have the right to tell her that he cannot fulfill her needs.

That's completely true, and she needs to figure out what she wants, and what he wants to do that.

If this is a casual relationship, he may not want to communicate with her any more then he is.
Hell, there may not even ever been an agreement of disclosure, nor exclusivity, in which case... he wouldn't be cheating even IF he's fucking around on her.

Bottom line is that she doesn't know where she stands with this guy, doesn't know where he stands with her... and she isn't going to find any of that out by asking us.

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RE: New 'part time' sub seeks advice - 8/28/2012 11:17:22 AM

crazyml

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Hey,

I can't add anything except to say - read and re-read every reply so far. They're all awesome.

Reading threads like this, packed with so much sound advice makes me beam.

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RE: New 'part time' sub seeks advice - 8/28/2012 11:31:47 AM

OsideGirl

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quote:

ORIGINAL: sexyred1
Whether or not her relationship is part time or not, she has a right to want what she wants and if cannot or will not provide it, she has the right to walk out, as does he have the right to tell her that he cannot fulfill her needs.

You are absolutely correct.

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RE: New 'part time' sub seeks advice - 8/28/2012 11:33:07 AM

sexyred1

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I just cannot stand how people think that titles of Dom or sub, Master or slave change the basic premise of relationship building or tolerance of relationship needs.

It's interesting, I was with a friend this weekend and she was asking me about my ex, if I heard from him (yes), etc. She is not into BDSM at all and she has always hated him for treating me badly.

I told her, as I tell everyone, including here, that it was my fault for putting up with him. She said, "Well, are you still going to look for guys that are into BDSM now?"

I said, of course, why? She says, "WELL, if HE treated you so badly and BDSM makes men able to be emotionally abusive, don't you think you should stop being into this?" And this is a very intelligent woman, who was a CEO for 30 years.

I explained, patiently, that being into BDSM does not preclude having a strong, healthy, non abusive relationship and explained about consensual adults. I also explained that my ex did not treat me badly because he was into BDSM, he treated me badly because he is an asshole.

< Message edited by sexyred1 -- 8/28/2012 11:37:36 AM >

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