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REFERENCES - 8/28/2012 5:12:07 PM

culareD

Posts: 762
Joined: 8/16/2012
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Should a sub ask for references when considering engaging with a Dom? This question can really apply to a sub engaging with anyone....

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RE: REFERENCES - 8/28/2012 5:13:36 PM

Toppingfrmbottom

Posts: 6528
Joined: 6/7/2009
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I personnly do not put much stock in references.

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Post #: 2

RE: REFERENCES - 8/28/2012 5:18:13 PM

NiceButMeanGirl

Posts: 2756
Joined: 11/4/2011
From: Bellingham, WA U.S.A.
Status: offline

You can ask for references, but the references are only as good as the people giving them. What if that particular person you're asking is the one in ten that had a bad experience with the one you're asking about? Then you'll think the subject is a bad risk, when 90% of the people s/he had D/s interactions with thought differently. Just because someone is a bad match for one person, it doesn't mean s/he would be a bad match for you.

NBMG

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RE: REFERENCES - 8/28/2012 5:19:36 PM

lizi

Posts: 4673
Joined: 2/1/2009
Status: offline

Some people say yes, some say it's useless. The people saying it's useless have a point, the person being checked up on could ask a friend to lie for him/her and therefore the reference is useless. The person giving the reference COULD have an agenda and swing things one way or the other for personal fulfillment on something. The people saying it's useful have a point since hopefully you'd get some valid information.

I'd say it boils down to the person giving the reference, and if you think they know what they are talking about, and are truthful. I'd also say take it with a grain of salt, the person referring may have standards that are less than yours.

I don't think I'd ever ask for references myself.

(in reply to culareD)

Post #: 4

RE: REFERENCES - 8/28/2012 5:26:13 PM

DaddySatyr

Posts: 9381
Joined: 8/29/2011
From: Pittston, Pennsyltucky
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I think it's a little "rude" to ask someone to kiss/flog/bind/handcuff/whatever and tell. I don't know that I would want to give anyone a list of people with whom I have engaged in activities that are supposed to be intimate.

Conversely, I guess if I had engaged in some way with a lady in Macy's window at high noon and Showtime was there to video it, I'm not betraying anything.

I just think it's a little creepy. I don't know. I don't end a relationship until I have taken all the steps possible to try and save it. For that reason, I can't imagine giving an "ex" my official seal of approval; nor can I imagine them, doing that for me.

I'm a proponent of taking a LOT of time getting to know people before you engage with them in any intimate way. People rush into things far too frequently and wind up very hurt for their lack of effort.

Peace and comfort,

Michael

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Post #: 5

RE: REFERENCES - 8/28/2012 5:39:30 PM

LadyHibiscus

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From: Island Of Misfit Toys
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I have a large fanbase and a sterling reputation. I also have some haters, who have no real life stories but lots of innuendo. If you talked to a hater, imagine the story you'd get!

Make friends, and get introductions from people you trust whose taste in people matches yours.

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Post #: 6

RE: REFERENCES - 8/28/2012 5:53:24 PM

OsideGirl

Posts: 14441
Joined: 7/1/2005
From: United States
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Unless those references are coming from some that you've seen face to face, they're not worth anything. Things are too easily faked to be reliable.

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Post #: 7

RE: REFERENCES - 8/28/2012 5:54:13 PM

LadyPact

Posts: 32566
Status: offline

I'm more than happy to provide references. I've played and/or presented at enough places across the country that I have no problem finding reputable sources. I'm more than happy to put a person in touch with event producers, staff at clubs, or the host of the munch/play party that I've attended. For that matter, I can point anybody to various reviews/positive experiences that are on the net that other people have already written.

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Post #: 8

RE: REFERENCES - 8/28/2012 6:29:16 PM

searching4mysir

Posts: 2757
Joined: 6/16/2011
Status: offline

FR

A reference from a stranger means nothing to me because I have no idea of the trustworthiness of the person doing the referring. Why should I trust a stranger's opinion of anyone?

With that being said, if I were involved in a "community" and the reference came from someone I knew and respected, then that reference would have some value.

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Post #: 9

RE: REFERENCES - 8/28/2012 6:51:48 PM

Lucifyre

Posts: 1067
Joined: 3/27/2012
Status: offline

I think unless the person you are asking about has been out in the public kink community for a long time and is well known by "everyone", like LadyP for instance, asking for referances is useless.

Would you ask for referances to date in the vanilla world? Of coure not, that's silly. BDSM relationships are just like vanilla ones with some extra fun added (short version, don't analyze LOL)

My personal situation is I have years of experience and was relatively well known in the community Mr and I "grew up" in. But when we moved 10 years ago, we lost touch with everyone, life got in the way of our public exposure and we are now starting over in a new community after a 10 year break. It doesn't make us any less experienced players. It doesn't make us bad or scary or creepy people. What it does do is make us unknown and unable to give you a D/s resume.
The flip side of that coin is, someone could give you the referances you're looking for...how do you know the folks you're going to ask are reliable? The guy may have no experience at all but his friends may tell you otherwise to get him laid. Or you may run across a spurned ex of his and get an unneccessary bad report.

I say spend the time getting to know the people you're interested in and do your own work and investigating. Don't jump right in with both feet based on the word of other people and expect an accurate outcome. If someone holds your interest, persue it...if it works out BONUS, if not...you're either made a new friend, or you've found someone you're not compatible with. Either way, you know first hand the answers to the questions you want to ask anyway.

Lucifyre

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Post #: 10

RE: REFERENCES - 8/28/2012 6:54:54 PM

DesFIP

Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
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References from 100 people will tell you that this person plays a lot. If instead of play, you want to engage in a relationship with him, would 100 references tell you he's great at having long term relationships?

Beyond that, if the reference is an online person, you don't know that it isn't the same person using a sock puppet.

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Post #: 11

RE: REFERENCES - 8/28/2012 7:20:11 PM

kalikshama

Posts: 14805
Joined: 8/8/2010
Status: offline

I'd give references if asked. (I've never been asked.)

One guy offered references and I have to admit, that did give him a little more cred. I didn't check, which is something I imagine predators with fake references would count on. This particular guy did have mad skills though.

In general, I wouldn't put much stock on online references, but those of you that I have seen posting for years such as LadyPact I'd believe. But then, anyone LP vouches for as a sadist is too much sadist for me.

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(in reply to culareD)

Post #: 12

RE: REFERENCES - 8/28/2012 8:15:08 PM

KnightofMists

Posts: 7149
Joined: 7/29/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: culareD

Should a sub ask for references when considering engaging with a Dom? This question can really apply to a sub engaging with anyone....

And should one get references on the references?

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Post #: 13

RE: REFERENCES - 8/28/2012 8:39:17 PM

DarkSteven

Posts: 28072
Joined: 5/2/2008
Status: offline

I think it's a great idea to ask for references. Not so much for the references themselves, but for how the Dom answers the question.

If he whips out a pretyped list of fifty subs, he's a player. If he gives you the name of several people who organize local play parties who have seen him play, or a prominent local person who's heard of his rep, that's good. If he refuses for a reason you don't agree with, walk.

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Post #: 14

RE: REFERENCES - 8/29/2012 12:08:19 AM

SailingBum

Posts: 3225
Joined: 12/10/2007
From: Sailin the stormy sea
Status: offline

Do you really think if you asked me for a reference that I'd give you the name of someone that would speak ill of me???? REALLY a lil bit of common sense goes a long way.

BadOne

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Post #: 15

RE: REFERENCES - 8/29/2012 2:51:34 AM

Endivius

Posts: 1238
Joined: 8/22/2011
Status: offline

So... A person you don't know, who's opinion you don't value, is going to reccomend to you a complete stranger with his/her approval. Does that about sum up your querry?

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Post #: 16

RE: REFERENCES - 8/29/2012 3:29:57 AM

AthenaSurrenders

Posts: 3582
Joined: 3/15/2012
Status: offline

fast reply

It would depend on what kind of interaction I wanted with that person.

If I wanted a relationship, then no. I didn't ask my husband's ex girlfriend for a reference, and he didn't ask mine. References from people you've played with (as DesFIP said) don't tell you anything about someone's ability to hold an adult relationship, and lots of people have bad relationships with an ex and then a hugely successful one with the next partner because they've learned lessons or are more compatible.

If I was looking for something more casual, maybe, probably not. I might casually ask around whether anyone had heard of him. As others have said, he'll only refer me to people who speak highly of him, some things can be faked, and some wonderful people might not be known in the community.

Now if I was going to undertake some kind of particularly risky play, or one that needs a certain level of skill, I absolutely would want references. Some highly skilled people might not be known in the community and so might not be able to provide references, but that's just tough luck for them. I'm not going to let someone do a piercing on me without being certain they know what they're doing.

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Post #: 17

RE: REFERENCES - 8/29/2012 3:41:35 AM

lizi

Posts: 4673
Joined: 2/1/2009
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: DarkSteven

I think it's a great idea to ask for references. Not so much for the references themselves, but for how the Dom answers the question.

If he whips out a pretyped list of fifty subs, he's a player. If he gives you the name of several people who organize local play parties who have seen him play, or a prominent local person who's heard of his rep, that's good. If he refuses for a reason you don't agree with, walk.

Great point DS. I'd say keep in mind f your point in asking for the references is for safety, that doesn't really answer it, but it cleverly answers other things that weren't asked.

(in reply to DarkSteven)

Post #: 18

RE: REFERENCES - 8/29/2012 5:40:34 AM

culareD

Posts: 762
Joined: 8/16/2012
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Lucifyre

I think unless the person you are asking about has been out in the public kink community for a long time and is well known by "everyone", like LadyP for instance, asking for referances is useless.

Would you ask for referances to date in the vanilla world? Of coure not, that's silly. BDSM relationships are just like vanilla ones with some extra fun added (short version, don't analyze LOL)

My personal situation is I have years of experience and was relatively well known in the community Mr and I "grew up" in. But when we moved 10 years ago, we lost touch with everyone, life got in the way of our public exposure and we are now starting over in a new community after a 10 year break. It doesn't make us any less experienced players. It doesn't make us bad or scary or creepy people. What it does do is make us unknown and unable to give you a D/s resume.
The flip side of that coin is, someone could give you the referances you're looking for...how do you know the folks you're going to ask are reliable? The guy may have no experience at all but his friends may tell you otherwise to get him laid. Or you may run across a spurned ex of his and get an unneccessary bad report.

I say spend the time getting to know the people you're interested in and do your own work and investigating. Don't jump right in with both feet based on the word of other people and expect an accurate outcome. If someone holds your interest, persue it...if it works out BONUS, if not...you're either made a new friend, or you've found someone you're not compatible with. Either way, you know first hand the answers to the questions you want to ask anyway.

Lucifyre

After reading all of the responses "THANK YOU ALL", this one sums them up pretty nicely...No, I wouldn't ask for references in a vanilla relationship *laughing at myself*. I agree that people can be deceptive or misleading as well. References very well may break the "privacy" code which I would not want done to me.

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Life is like a box of chocolates. Savor every bite.

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(in reply to Lucifyre)

Post #: 19

RE: REFERENCES - 8/29/2012 5:43:40 AM

culareD

Posts: 762
Joined: 8/16/2012
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: DarkSteven

I think it's a great idea to ask for references. Not so much for the references themselves, but for how the Dom answers the question.

If he whips out a pretyped list of fifty subs, he's a player. If he gives you the name of several people who organize local play parties who have seen him play, or a prominent local person who's heard of his rep, that's good. If he refuses for a reason you don't agree with, walk.

ABSOLUTELY! And I don't want a player, but someone to PLAY with.

_____________________________

Member-at-Large, ProSubs"R"Us

Life is like a box of chocolates. Savor every bite.

The Butterfly Story

(in reply to DarkSteven)

Post #: 20

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