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DNAHelicase -> RE: Dominants that seek out the inexperienced (8/29/2012 10:14:55 AM)
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quote:
ORIGINAL: Hillwilliam
quote:
ORIGINAL: culareD
Sooo, does anyone have any thoughts on what a Dom such as is being discussed would look like?
I can't tell you what they look like. Heck, they look just like anyone else.
I can tell you what they act like tho.
They move quickly. It's almost like when you toss a worm off the dock and the bluegills race to see who can eat it first.
If you go to your first munch and someone comes over and immediately starts acting in a posessive manner, RUN. It's a Noobhunter.
Note, this is different behavior from the guy (or gal) who leads you around and introduces you to everyone if he senses a 'wallflower'.
The former person will try to isolate you from others to make him the best possibility you've met (because you havent met anyone else).
Early overt posessiveness is your key.
Beware the guy who talks to you for 5 minutes and then acts jealous if you talk to someone else.
BDSM relationships are like nilla relationships. The best ones begin as a friendship and gradually grow to something more intimate.
If someone contacts you and in their first email, they assume some kind of ownership of you, laugh your ass off and then ignore them.
This is just one type of newbie predator. We have a man in our community who uses the non-threatening, non-possessive friend approach instead. His MO is to send out literally dozens of messages per day. One of his former "subs" (read: fuck buddy he occasionally spanked) let him use her laptop to logon to his account on another website. He forgot to log off. She found pages and pages of messages he initiated to every new profile with an "F" and numbers lower than 46. By his own admission, he spends almost all his time either combing through profiles to find new female profiles on that other fetish website or chatting with women on yahoo and other messengers. He tells these women that he just wants to be friends with them, that he just wants to answer their questions and help introduce them to the lifestyle safely (funny that he only wants to help women, eh?). He even does this with new young women who list themselves as dominants, hoping that they might be new and unsure enough to do something with him. After chatting with women for a while in a seemingly friendly way, he starts turning it more and more towards play. He tells them he just wants to teach them. He claims to be mentoring or teaching every woman he fucks, though he honestly doesn't even know how to use a flogger or what the word protocol means and when, at a play party, somebody mentioned service submission, he had no idea what that was. He also trash talks other men in the community if any of these young women ask him about them after they've been chatting, telling them that other doms are unsafe, or inept, or whatever insult he chooses that day to try to convince newbies that he is the only good dominant in our area. If he convinces a woman to play with him after days, weeks, or months of chatting her up in a non-threatening manner, he makes it all about sex. If the woman asks him to try other things, he hedges or ignores her outright. If she wants to play with other people to experience new things, he tells her how horrible and unsafe that man is and how he just wants to make sure she'll be safe. Women are toys to him, and he knows anybody with *any* experience will see straight through his bullshit and ineptitude in almost all realms of BDSM. That's why he goes for newbies, and lots of them. His conquests tend to be short lived, as he never stops chatting up the newbies and the ones who have been with him for a while eventually start feeling used, jealous of the constant stream of new starry-eyed women, and frustrated at the lack of variety in play. This is the report from more than half a dozen women in the last year alone.
There are many patterns that predators may use. Some of the things you'll see in most types, but keep in mind each one may be different:
*Sticks to newbies exclusively
*Has many, many partners and little or no time in between new partners
*May try to keep many of his partners quiet, telling them not to announce that they're together or not wanting to interact at BDSM events
*Usually tells lots of little white lies or dodges questions
*Claims to be teaching or mentoring every woman he fucks, despite a lack of knowledge in many areas of BDSM or any specialized skills
*Has been doing this for a long while
*Bases his ideas about BDSM heavily or exclusively around sex
*Many of his partners wind up abruptly leaving the scene for good or taking a long break when the relationship with him ends, because they feel used, victimized, etc. (Yes, I know relationships can end badly when they're legitimate--but if it's something that happens every three months with the same person involved over and over, it should raise a red flag.)
*Very welcoming and friendly to female newbies, but mostly ignores male newbies
*Very persistent in pursuing many women all the time, even if it isn't done in a threatening way
*Usually presents himself as a nice, helpful guy, especially to women and newbies (this one is nothing to be concerned about by itself, but along with several of the other warning signs should be viewed suspiciously)
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