|
YoungAbusiveDom -> RE: Is financial domination a legitimate form of D/s? (9/3/2013 3:37:41 AM)
|
quote:
ORIGINAL: AthenaSurrenders
It's almost as if human connection can't be bought with material things.
Something about this makes me very uncomfortable. Now, just for context, I'm not in any way against financial domination, whether that be in the sense of a sub 'tributing' for an online session or a dominant being in charge of the household finances or any variation in between. But the way this comes across is that you felt that buy buying women presents, they were somehow indebted to you and owed you something. It reminds me of folks who think that since they bought dinner, their date is obliged to put out. It comes across that you are irritated that you spent money and didn't personally gain from it, which defeats the object of buying something for someone you are supposed to care about. Nothing worse than a gift with obligations, in my opinion.
The way I read your post, you are very motivated by material gain. You feel appreciated if someone gives you gifts. You feel irritated if you spend money and get little in return. It seems like more of a business transaction than an intimate relationship. This, combined with your stated desire to have the submissive be the one that provides for you financially would put me off, because it makes me seem that the ability to give you an easy time money-wise is more important that the person or the connection. I'm sure there's much more to you than that, but can you see why I think that?
For me, in an intimate, long term committed relationship (correct me if I'm wrong, but that seems to be what you are talking about here) it's more about teamwork. I have never thought of one of us as supporting the other - we are a team, the money keeps us going as a family. Whoever earns it, we both need to eat, we need to pay the rent, we need fuel in the car etc. I have been the sole breadwinner while he was out of work. He has been the sole breadwinner when I stayed home with the baby. At no point did it change or undermine the authority dynamic - it's just a non-issue for us. When you're in a relationship, you have to pick up each other's slack. Whoever brings in the biggest paycheck, we both work equally hard at the relationship and at sustaining our standard of living, so it doesn't really matter. And I truly think that kind of flexibility and the ability to approach things as a team rather than keeping score is why our relationship is rock solid.
This is exactly the kind of questioning I expected to arise from what I said, and I completely understand that. I know the way I put it makes it appear to be quite sterile, you could say, and not very emotionally driven. I will agree that I do expect something in return for giving a gift; however, it's really how the gift is accepted, and the emotional response that comes from said gift. It doesn't matter what it is; be it a cheque, a house, or dinner. When I've been in a relationship, and from what I've seen in the relationships I've studied, the give and take of any gift is almost always mishandled. I don't know exactly how I can explain it without sounding materialistic, which is strange because I really don't care about material things. It isn't so much the object I'm getting at, it's the reason for the exchange. Make sense? If you are romantically involved with someone, a kiss is something that typically has some meaning. You don't just kiss that person for no reason, you have a reason to give and receive it. I look at gifts/money/whatchamacallit the same way. I don't require it, but I see more meaning to it because of the reasoning behind it. If a submissive wanted to give me a gift card for $500, I'd be much less grateful than if they sent me a teddy bear with a note about how much they appreciate my ownership. Or if a submissive wanted to show appreciation by paying for repairs on my motorcycle, I'd know they are trying to look out for my safety, and want me to have reliable transportation. I wouldn't accept it if they thought they were obligated to do so, that would be wrong to me. I've never taken anything I thought was gifted with ill intentions, only those that were given for a positive reason. Maybe I could compare it to when my pool league team buys me a beer; I don't need it, but I'm willing to accept it because they made an action that backs up how much they appreciate me playing with them. I have never asked anyone at a bar to buy me a beer, but I've been bought way more drinks out of good will than on my own, and I see that as something that has meaning. Make sense?
I can see why I'd be misunderstood; but like I've said before, I really do mean well. I look at a bigger picture of reasoning, and try to ignore the face value that many people see. I think that people look too much at price tags, and don't see that gifts are worth much more when coming from the heart with someone like myself.
In the context of me paying for a girlfriend's dinner date and various other things, she never seemed to realise that I worked my pants off just to spend my last pennies on something meant mostly for her enjoyment. I received a person to talk to, but I did it because I wanted her company. When the money dried up, and I wasn't able to do anything, she would never take the initiative to do the same thing in return. She would spend her income on things for herself, and not take me out to be in my company. The fact that she didn't spend any money on me isn't the point; rather, it's the principle to me. I worked at my job just to spend it all on her company. She didn't seem to realise that was pretty much the reason I was working at that point. When I asked her if she knew why I spent so much money to be around her, she couldn't comprehend the fact it was because I appreciated her company, and I was glad to be with her. All of what I spent was solely for that purpose. She thought it was sweet, but she couldn't see the reasoning; and to me, reasoning is what's important. When she didn't show any of that affection in return, in any way, I realised I was pretty much being used for the money, and the experience, and nothing else. Outside of me buying things, she never seemed to want much of my company. She never took any action that showed me how much she appreciated my company, and that is really what bothered me. This is something that rarely occurs in most long term relationships, but I'm trying to compare this to the courting/dating stages. Most of the people I have dated, or even just know in general, are only interested in doing things when it benefits them. Very rarely does somebody ever invite me over just to have the company, to chat, and overall hang around.
I'm probably starting to ramble a bit, but maybe that can help clarify it? Like I've tried to reiterate many times: I look for the reasoning, and emotion, involved in this; the face value is practically irrelevant.
|
|
|
|
