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RE: Reaffirming our dynamic - 8/30/2012 9:43:01 PM

littlewonder

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For the past few weeks I've been going through some difficult times that Master cannot really help me with. Due to this problem I have pretty much taken some control over my life without his permission. I just felt like I was spiraling out of control and I needed to do things that I absolutely hate...like putting the reigns on my emotions and actions. This left me feeling less than "slavey" but I felt I had to.

He noticed of course and has not been happy about it at all. In fact he became hurt by it which left me feeling even more awful. Soooo....he pulled on the leash and tightened it. He's been making sure I am put back in my place with more rules in place, giving me more things to make sure I obey, doing more things where I need to obey him.

And yes, he was right. It's what I need during this kind of time even though there are a few times when I feel angry for him doing it because I still have a lot on my mind with my difficulties and I feel like I just want to be left alone to deal with it. I know deep down inside though that I still need this stability in my life so that I don't have a nervous breakdown or do things I will regret.

So my suggestion...tighten the collar and pull on the leash a little harder.

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RE: Reaffirming our dynamic - 8/31/2012 7:58:58 AM

Kana

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quote:

*nods* I'll be pushing the "master" title more and other things like that. Sure, on one hand such things are window dressing. But they do serve as at least a subtle reminder.

Nods head.
Yep, yep.
Absolutely agree here. Matter of fact I think the little things are uber-critical.
After all, what's a big thing except a bunch of little things compiled together?

As for this, I call BS

quote:

For the past few weeks I've been going through some difficult times that Master cannot really help me with.

He can love you. He can guide you. He can lend you strength and provide structure when you are unable to provide it for yourself.
And he can move the world to try to get you to smile for .0001 seconds, which makes all the effort worth the while.

< Message edited by Kana -- 8/31/2012 7:59:17 AM >

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RE: Reaffirming our dynamic - 8/31/2012 9:14:35 AM

JeffBC

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But Jeff, sometimes the window dressing is JUST as damned important as any of the rest of it.
That one I will just disagree with (for me anyway) and move on.

The rest of the post makes total sense. As is always true, mapping wisdom from one relationship into another requires a lot of interpretation. What I'm thinking from this thread is that I need to think what things are going to be "reminders" for me. Carol doesn't need or want any. So what would make her look/feel like "property" to me? In the meantime, I already have her in some casual but sexy clothing and we're looking forward to a nice day of puttering about with a fair amount of pawing and groping mixed in.

I'm also realizing as I type this that this may be a bit too soon for me. I am still SO burnt out from endless weeks of 3 hours of sleep and impossible deadlines that the idea of reaching out and grabbing her (mentally/emotionally) - despite the fact that she's totally willing to be "grabbed" - seems like an overwhelming challenge. Having invested so much of myself, the fact that the project was not a success (by my measures) is a really really bitter pill. I went out to hunt a tiger and the tiger won. The fact that everyone else sees me as the brave hunter tastes like ashes in my mouth.

Good thing in that is that I'm married to Carol who does not need or expect me to be badass "dominant" all the time. So rather than kicking me when I'm down she's going to be helping tend my psychic wounds.

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RE: Reaffirming our dynamic - 8/31/2012 9:37:51 AM

Lucifyre

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quote:

ORIGINAL: JeffBC

But Jeff, sometimes the window dressing is JUST as damned important as any of the rest of it.
That one I will just disagree with (for me anyway) and move on.

note I did specify *sometimes* I did not say window dressing is ALWAYS as important.

quote:

The rest of the post makes total sense. As is always true, mapping wisdom from one relationship into another requires a lot of interpretation. What I'm thinking from this thread is that I need to think what things are going to be "reminders" for me. Carol doesn't need or want any. So what would make her look/feel like "property" to me? In the meantime, I already have her in some casual but sexy clothing and we're looking forward to a nice day of puttering about with a fair amount of pawing and groping mixed in.

and if that's whats needed there isn't a damn tning wrong with that. Being dominant doesn't make you superhuman. See the rest of my reply below.

quote:

I'm also realizing as I type this that this may be a bit too soon for me. I am still SO burnt out from endless weeks of 3 hours of sleep and impossible deadlines that the idea of reaching out and grabbing her (mentally/emotionally) - despite the fact that she's totally willing to be "grabbed" - seems like an overwhelming challenge. Having invested so much of myself, the fact that the project was not a success (by my measures) is a really really bitter pill. I went out to hunt a tiger and the tiger won. The fact that everyone else sees me as the brave hunter tastes like ashes in my mouth.

Again...dominant =/superhuman. It's perfectly OK to need some time and some space to recharge your own batteries. Life can and does frequently kick us in the ass, dynamic be damned. Just because you're not made of steel with endless energy and a bottomless well of domliness 100% of the time doesn't mean she respects your role any less. It means because she is your partner even as your submissive it is partly her job to allow you the downtime you need to get back to the 100% dominant for her that you both need.
I just recently went through this with Mr and had to beg for advice in order to get to a point where I could get my own head straight around it. The advantage YOU have being on the side of the kneel you're on is you can just present it to her as YOUR issue before she gets worried thinking things aren't working or you've lost interest.
You've recoginized that it IS from an outside source...so handle it accordingly and lean on your partner like you should. Trust me, she will appreciate that you did.

quote:

Good thing in that is that I'm married to Carol who does not need or expect me to be badass "dominant" all the time. So rather than kicking me when I'm down she's going to be helping tend my psychic wounds.

which is kind of what I said in the above paragraph...but read the way I wrote it anyway because it came from the submissive point of view rather than dominant. Just sayin ;)

Lucifyre

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RE: Reaffirming our dynamic - 8/31/2012 10:11:10 AM

kiwisub12

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Seems to me that any sub worth the name would help their dom with any thing they require - including psychic wounds. For me to be submissive means i am there for him for everything - sort of like the marriage vows. And if he needs to lean, i can handle it. The dynamic doesn't change just because he isn't beating me or demanding me on my knees. Cripes , if the relationship changed because of physical or mental stressors, i would have left when my first dom was diagnosed with terminal cancer.

i'm thinking Carol is a strong enough person to be able to handle you needing to power down for a while and recharge your own spirit. As long as she knows that you are in there for the long haul, she should be ok.

Oops, just read above where Jeff pointed out that Carol doesn't need a chest beating dom all the time lol.

< Message edited by kiwisub12 -- 8/31/2012 10:13:28 AM >

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RE: Reaffirming our dynamic - 8/31/2012 12:14:32 PM

JeffBC

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Lucifyre said: Again...dominant =/superhuman. It's perfectly OK to need some time and some space to recharge your own batteries.
kiwisub12 said: Seems to me that any sub worth the name would help their dom with any thing they require - including psychic wounds.

It's not my place to say what makes for a "good" sub. I can guarantee you that when I have asked online no Dom ever has a moment like this. Offline, of course, reality tends to intrude more. I've often wondered what the heck these doms are doing with their lives that this never happens but again, not my problem. I'm just glad I have Carol.

kiwisub12 said: Carol doesn't need a chest beating dom all the time lol.
No. In point of fact I have garnered VAST respect points in her eyes with this. In her eyes she sees her husband taking on multiple levels of government and some money interests to do a GoodThing(tm). She sees that I have won at least on the humanitarian angle. She sees me being a real and credible leader out leading in difficult challenges and paying the price for it. The fact that I lost on the project management issues isn't really relevant to her... that's more a point of professional pride with me. In her eyes though I have stood up for ThatWhichIsRIght(tm) and fought the good fight and won... at some personal cost.

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RE: Reaffirming our dynamic - 8/31/2012 12:40:43 PM

Lucifyre

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quote:

ORIGINAL: JeffBC

Lucifyre said: Again...dominant =/superhuman. It's perfectly OK to need some time and some space to recharge your own batteries.
kiwisub12 said: Seems to me that any sub worth the name would help their dom with any thing they require - including psychic wounds.

It's not my place to say what makes for a "good" sub. I can guarantee you that when I have asked online no Dom ever has a moment like this. Offline, of course, reality tends to intrude more. I've often wondered what the heck these doms are doing with their lives that this never happens but again, not my problem. I'm just glad I have Carol.

pfft. Mr would be one of the first to tell you He ain't perfect. In fact, I never want Him to try to be either...I'm a bad sub and if He were even to strive to be perfect it would be way too much for me to try to live up to ;)

Lucifyre

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RE: Reaffirming our dynamic - 8/31/2012 1:40:41 PM

littlewonder

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quote:

ORIGINAL: Kana

quote:

*nods* I'll be pushing the "master" title more and other things like that. Sure, on one hand such things are window dressing. But they do serve as at least a subtle reminder.

Nods head.
Yep, yep.
Absolutely agree here. Matter of fact I think the little things are uber-critical.
After all, what's a big thing except a bunch of little things compiled together?

As for this, I call BS

quote:

For the past few weeks I've been going through some difficult times that Master cannot really help me with.

He can love you. He can guide you. He can lend you strength and provide structure when you are unable to provide it for yourself.
And he can move the world to try to get you to smile for .0001 seconds, which makes all the effort worth the while.

AAAwww....I know those things Master. But we both know my current problem You can't exactly fix the situation. I soooo wish you could though.

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RE: Reaffirming our dynamic - 8/31/2012 1:51:10 PM

littlewonder

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quote:

I'm also realizing as I type this that this may be a bit too soon for me. I am still SO burnt out from endless weeks of 3 hours of sleep and impossible deadlines

This here is where your problem lies. You are busy. You don't have time. You are stressed from deadlines. Your head right now is concerning work and time. This is so completely normal. Even Master gets like that sometimes and one day there will be a lightbulb moment. Then he usually stops in his feet and will apologize for not being here enough, mentally, physcially and spiritually. Every person on the planet I think gets that way.

Thats when you have to really prioritize your life. Spend more time together, go for walks, have long conversations, forget about work for a little while. I know even I have gone through this lately because my life has me feeling less than slave and not really prioritizing him which is just wrong. But I got that lightbulb momemt and apologized to him for being an ass and I slow down and make sure he knows that I'm still here and I still want him as my Master.

I personally think the work thing is what is killing your dynamic. So slow down, make her your priority. You don't need to do more things to her, you don't need for her to call you Master or slave. Just put each other back into that dynamic.

It's amazing how work can cause you to put your relationships on hold.

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RE: Reaffirming our dynamic - 8/31/2012 2:10:07 PM

Salinedion

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Skipping to the end, but:

My partner's been sick as a dog and I've been piling up the work hours.

But every night, while watching TV, I did find the focus, the attention to grab her thigh and widen her a bit. Little drip feeds of control go a long way with a very good girl.

And I did order up a 6 foot leash from Petland. It's next to the bed. She knows that this weekend she'll be attached to it and drilled on her wriggling.

As George Bush (the Ok-ish old one) memorably said:

Message: I care.

< Message edited by Salinedion -- 8/31/2012 2:11:03 PM >

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RE: Reaffirming our dynamic - 8/31/2012 6:05:23 PM

KnightofMists

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I enjoy work. I work no less than 12 hours a day and often do that seven days a week. It feels good to see the results of those efforts... This feeds apart of me. I just don't relax well. I just finished holidays. We moved.. And I spent hours everyday working at landscaping, building a fence and hundreds of other things. Hell... There are hundreds of hours yet to done to get the results I want for the house. Working at my job... Well I feel it... The effort the results.. My new house... All the effort and work is making it feel like my home. I have a vision of both work and home to make it better. These are concrete tangible things and easier to it those efforts to get results that can be seen and touch. Even if they are measures on reports at work.

But relationships for some reason seem to be different. They just don't have the tangible feel to me. But.. The effort and work I do in a relationship feeds me. However... We sometimes get to that point where we don't need to put that effort in. Like you... Obedience is a given in ths house. For the most part, we never had to put effort to get there. What seem to work for us after was a sense of structure and protocols to our interactions. We didn't choose things that stifled our closeness. We choose things that we enjoyed and fed us. But we also choose things that challenged us to put alittle more effort mentally to get the desired result. Ie, it took effort for the girls.. To never say.."your welcome" to me.. Instead they say"my pleasure".... In tie that became a habit.. And it it's nice and all... But truthfully... It really does feed us anymore... We just do it... No mental energy expended. Just mindless action. What has been feeding us lately is the discussions on the new house. The building of that vision together. They putting there thoughts out thre. The brain storming using the communication protocols that have long ago become simple habit. All those discussions for me to make this decision or that one. Even the process of buying the place was fun for us.

Before the new home.... I must say I think we where all feeling pretty stale and on autopilot. Mental engagement, effort towards a goal always seem to be more valuable than having the goal for us and me in particular. Not that this is much good for you... But just some thoughts.

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RE: Reaffirming our dynamic - 9/1/2012 9:01:25 AM

JeffBC

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quote:

ORIGINAL: littlewonder
This here is where your problem lies. You are busy. You don't have time. You are stressed from deadlines. Your head right now is concerning work and time.

Happily... past tense for all of that. The project is over. The nightmare schedules are done. Now it's just time to recover. In general work can certainly kill a dynamic/marriage/relationship. I've been there once years ago with Carol and that's not a mistake I'll ever make again. This was a passing moment. It doesn't help any thought that going into it I'd already been lax on working on our dynamic. So we'd had a few months of coasting and then a nasty fire drill. Now that we actually are together again and the project is over we are sticking to each other like glue and hiding in our house all 4 day weekend.

quote:

ORIGINAL: KnightofMists
Before the new home.... I must say I think we where all feeling pretty stale and on autopilot.

*nods* For us it was "the dynamic is on autopilot and life is full of excitement". This whole move to Canada thing is still sending major ripples of change and adventure through our life. It's always a balance thing, isn't it?

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RE: Reaffirming our dynamic - 9/1/2012 10:17:32 AM

Restyles

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quote:

Complicating the ownership angle somewhat is that Carol is very much an experiential person. She doesn't deal in concepts very well and ownership, by it's very nature, is a conceptual thing. So I can't directly address that with her because to her it's completely invisible.

Sounds like you are having problems making it "visible". Maintain a "conceptual continuity" even during those busy times, make concepts physical and reinforce how the physical is just a manifestation of the concept. Focus on the mental side more than the physcial.

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