RE: He's Clearly Vanilla (Full Version)

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ThrowAway88 -> RE: He's Clearly Vanilla (9/15/2012 11:19:49 AM)

This is pretty assumption, don't you think?

Do you know immediately if someone is right for you? Do you sum people up in an instant and dismiss them? I don't have that ability. I carefully take the time to get to know someone. I didn't know he wasn't right for me. I still don't. And I resent the implication that I treat people recklessly and carelessly.

I thought that's what dating was. Being honest about who you are and learning about someone else to determine if you make a good pair. He is as responsible for himself as I am for me. He thinks about me, and I him. Who knows. Maybe he asks his friends how to manage being in a relationship with me and they berate him for getting involved with someone who is obviously more kinky than he cares to be.

Two people in this relationship. And we both walked in with open eyes. He is a good man. A smart man. And makes choices for himself. I just want us to be great. I want us both to be full filled and happy. And I'm looking for the best way to do that. And to figure out if that's possible.

I still appreciate your comment. If rash and overly emotional.

quote:

ORIGINAL: LaTigresse

I echo what SexyRed and LadyHib have already written.

Shame on you OP! You are a reasonably intelligent, mature, woman. Saying that you were honest about your desires yet you pursued a relationship with this man is a cop out......and a bad one.

I point out the reverse.....YOU KNEW what kind of man HE WAS and yet you allowed him to care more deeply for you. You are using the idea that he is responsible for his emotions as an easy out for you not being honest with him. If you were being as honest as you have convinced yourself you were, and are trying to no avail to convince us......you would not have entered into this relationship in the first place.

He deserves better than you.




LadyHibiscus -> RE: He's Clearly Vanilla (9/15/2012 11:24:25 AM)

You said earlier that your friends called you a "heartbreaker", and that you had this pattern already. So please, no disingenuous backpedaling now.

The new agey line is that we are all responsible for our own emotions and that other people's stuff is their stuff. True to an extent--some stranger on the street who tosses an insult my way has no power to influence my mood. My family and friends? Another story. That's part of being *connected*.

You ARE responsible for hurting this man with your dishonesty. Sweeping up that mess won't be your problem, but creating it really is. You misled him, and whether you were misleading yourself is really secondary. He was your lab rat, and maybe not your first.

Only you can decide what is most important in your life.



ThrowAway88 -> RE: He's Clearly Vanilla (9/15/2012 11:25:02 AM)

I don't hinge my decisions on my sexuality. For me, that would be a poor way to find a partner.

I don't know what your version of D/s looks like but mine is rather tame on the grand and vast scale of what encompasses D/s. Ymmv

Truly in all of this I am the only one who can change. Indeed that is the best I can hope for. I can change myself or my relationship. I'm just trying to sort it all out. This isn't a crazy unheard of situation.

quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyHibiscus

D/s is never "tame".

So... you go after men that you know won't satisfy you, in the hope of what, exactly? YOU are not going to change. HE is not going to change. No matter what, HE ISN'T ENOUGH and he never will be. If you thought he was, you wouldn't be here asking the likes of us, would you?






ThrowAway88 -> RE: He's Clearly Vanilla (9/15/2012 11:26:06 AM)

Missed this one.

I'll try. Thank you.


quote:

ORIGINAL: Whenready

A follow on.

None of us are perfect. If he's the closest to perfect... go for it...but... see if you can answer either question too.

Good luck!




ThrowAway88 -> RE: He's Clearly Vanilla (9/15/2012 11:28:51 AM)

I've never been dishonest with him. I think my response to this is the same as the one above your comment.

quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyHibiscus

You said earlier that your friends called you a "heartbreaker", and that you had this pattern already. So please, no disingenuous backpedaling now.

The new agey line is that we are all responsible for our own emotions and that other people's stuff is their stuff. True to an extent--some stranger on the street who tosses an insult my way has no power to influence my mood. My family and friends? Another story. That's part of being *connected*.

You ARE responsible for hurting this man with your dishonesty. Sweeping up that mess won't be your problem, but creating it really is. You misled him, and whether you were misleading yourself is really secondary. He was your lab rat, and maybe not your first.

Only you can decide what is most important in your life.




LaTigresse -> RE: He's Clearly Vanilla (9/15/2012 11:32:57 AM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: ThrowAway88

This is pretty assumption, don't you think?

Do you know immediately if someone is right for you? Do you sum people up in an instant and dismiss them? I don't have that ability. I carefully take the time to get to know someone. I didn't know he wasn't right for me. I still don't. And I resent the implication that I treat people recklessly and carelessly.

I thought that's what dating was. Being honest about who you are and learning about someone else to determine if you make a good pair. He is as responsible for himself as I am for me. He thinks about me, and I him. Who knows. Maybe he asks his friends how to manage being in a relationship with me and they berate him for getting involved with someone who is obviously more kinky than he cares to be.

Two people in this relationship. And we both walked in with open eyes. He is a good man. A smart man. And makes choices for himself. I just want us to be great. I want us both to be full filled and happy. And I'm looking for the best way to do that. And to figure out if that's possible.

I still appreciate your comment. If rash and overly emotional.




First of all....... I have zero emotional investment in your shit. None, nada, zip. That you consider my opinion 'rash' is not surprising. I hold you solely responsible for your shit and your attempt to build a relationship on lies. You've yet to clarify just exactly HOW this man isn't magically dominant enough for you.

Since you've already stated that you are a regular poster hiding behind a sock......you should know that you are not guaranteed to get the warm fuzzies when you post about your personal fuck ups. Regardless of how carefully you've worded them to try and deflect your own personal responsibility in the matter.



LadyHibiscus -> RE: He's Clearly Vanilla (9/15/2012 11:33:20 AM)

Why don't you come out and say what you want us to tell you, then? You asked for our opinions, you have them.

The ladies who responded here are mature women with a lot of life experience. We know what we want from our lives, and what's a reasonable thing to expect from another person. None of us are willing to "settle", and we're not about to hurt someone else for the sake of our own happiness.

That's who we are. Who are you?



Alecta -> RE: He's Clearly Vanilla (9/15/2012 11:35:34 AM)

So let me see if I'm getting this right... he's perfect in every way except when spanking you in the bedroom, is that about right?

Why then is it so difficult to engage the standard solution to attend play parties together where you could get a bigger sadist to wail on you while he holds your hand?



lizi -> RE: He's Clearly Vanilla (9/15/2012 11:57:32 AM)

So, I hate to be pushy but I asked before and would like to ask again about how is it exactly that he's not fulfilling you? Post #20. I do think this is pertinent to your situation.



ThrowAway88 -> RE: He's Clearly Vanilla (9/15/2012 12:02:45 PM)

Then I apologize. It comes across as a rather significant and emotional response. You seem overly bothered by what I'm saying.

In numerous places I accept my responsibility. I give him authority over his choices also which you all seem to be ignoring. Along with a dozen of y other points and questions. I wasn't looking to piss anyone off. I was looking for reflection into my current situation. Which, I'd like to say, isn't as extreme as you all make it out to be. We are not living together, nor married, nor do we have children. We're dating. Which by definition means we're both figuring out if we're right for each other.

I guess I don't understand all the hostility.

It's good for me to read that some of you would give up kink if you found a wonderful man. Maybe I need to hear that from people who identify as I do.

Either way, it'll be alright. No one is going to die here. And in the meantime, I'll be good to him as I have been and vc vs.


quote:

ORIGINAL: LaTigresse


quote:

ORIGINAL: ThrowAway88

This is pretty assumption, don't you think?

Do you know immediately if someone is right for you? Do you sum people up in an instant and dismiss them? I don't have that ability. I carefully take the time to get to know someone. I didn't know he wasn't right for me. I still don't. And I resent the implication that I treat people recklessly and carelessly.

I thought that's what dating was. Being honest about who you are and learning about someone else to determine if you make a good pair. He is as responsible for himself as I am for me. He thinks about me, and I him. Who knows. Maybe he asks his friends how to manage being in a relationship with me and they berate him for getting involved with someone who is obviously more kinky than he cares to be.

Two people in this relationship. And we both walked in with open eyes. He is a good man. A smart man. And makes choices for himself. I just want us to be great. I want us both to be full filled and happy. And I'm looking for the best way to do that. And to figure out if that's possible.

I still appreciate your comment. If rash and overly emotional.




First of all....... I have zero emotional investment in your shit. None, nada, zip. That you consider my opinion 'rash' is not surprising. I hold you solely responsible for your shit and your attempt to build a relationship on lies. You've yet to clarify just exactly HOW this man isn't magically dominant enough for you.

Since you've already stated that you are a regular poster hiding behind a sock......you should know that you are not guaranteed to get the warm fuzzies when you post about your personal fuck ups. Regardless of how carefully you've worded them to try and deflect your own personal responsibility in the matter.





LadyHibiscus -> RE: He's Clearly Vanilla (9/15/2012 12:06:02 PM)

Yes, he has the ability to leave you. Perhaps there is some deep seated need that you are not providing for him that he hasn't brought up yet. Is that likely?

It is a given, or a virtual given, that NO VANILLA PERSON is going to give you the D/s thing that you crave. Yet here you are, pursuing a vanilla person. Who is set up to fail, purely by existing.



graceadieu -> RE: He's Clearly Vanilla (9/15/2012 12:07:17 PM)

Hmm. It is difficult, isn't it? To find somebody who you get along with fantastically, who's a really good person, who's great in every way except that they can't quite meet your sexual or emotional needs?

I tried that, a few times, before I realized that I just can't date vanilla anymore, at least as a primary relationship. It's too likely to end in heartbreak. It's kind of unfortunate, because it narrows the dating pool tremendously, but I need what I need. (And for what it's worth, I still don't really approach dating - if I'm looking for a relationship - as "kink first". I think I still approach it "love first", I just vet out people who aren't dominant.)

I suspect that you're going to be in the same boat, where your ongoing unfulfilled emotional needs will fester into unhappiness. And I'm sorry about that. But have you tried laying out to him exactly, in detail, what it is that you need from him? It's possible that even if he doesn't "get it" all the way at first, he might get into it. At least enough to keep you happy.



SlipSlidingAway -> RE: He's Clearly Vanilla (9/15/2012 12:08:54 PM)

OP: my thought is, if you are here asking, chances are you already have enough doubts about how right he is for you.  He may well be the perfect guy, but does not sound like he's the perfect guy for YOU.

Your submission means more to you than you realized.  It was likely time with someone who was not wired to react to it that helped bring that to your attention.  I don't agree that you are at fault for attempting to have a relationship with him.  We all learn about ourselves on a continuing basis.  You know more about you now than you did going into it.  The thing is, what do you do with that new knowledge?

I did the same thing.  I am now married to my "clearly vanilla" guy.  We have other problems, too.  But, the fact that he's never, ever going to be the ying to my particular yang?  It's an issue.  A real issue.  And one that I pretty much discounted early on.  Don't ignore it, you can't wish it away...

Chances are things are not going to end up happily.  I hate to burst bubbles, and  be all realistic and stuff, but people don't change that much.  So, he's pretty much who he is, you are pretty much who you are, and if those two people don't jive in some rather significant way?  It's likely going to cause relationship discord at some point in time.  You both deserve to be with someone who can appreciate ALL the parts of you, at least all of the important ones.  And since you are here posting?  I'm going to say this one is pretty important to you.



AsmodaisSin -> RE: He's Clearly Vanilla (9/15/2012 12:21:18 PM)

I haven't posted in a while but this OP really tugged at my heart strings. I went through almost the exact same situation about seven years ago. The only difference was that I was still accepting my submissive nature. The vanilla guy I was with at the time was perfect for me in almost every other way. The only problem? He wasn't a Dom and he couldn't satisfy me the way that only my Daddy could. This vanilla guy tried, though. I was honest and upfront with him once I realized everything going on with myself. At one point, I actually laughed in his face. It was an awful feeling afterward. I apologized and we went our separate ways.

I know what you're trying to say. He's not a Dom. He doesn't approach you the way you need, he doesn't look at you the way you need; he doesn't speak to you the way you need. Dom/Dommes are a totally different animal.

If you want to stick with him, that's your choice, but I believe you're only fooling yourself. I tried sticking around with my vanilla guy. I even asked for advice here just like you. Every response, for the most part, parallels everything I was once told.

I know that some kinky people make those kinds of relationships work. You have to figure out inside yourself if he'll be able to handle that.
Talk to him. Be truly honest, because right now, you are just fooling yourself.

My thoughts and prayers are with you though.

-mel



KYsissy -> RE: He's Clearly Vanilla (9/15/2012 12:26:06 PM)

"Perfect". How often in life do we find this? I married Miss Pretty Damn Good. 10 years later she is miss Perfect, for me. No my wildest fantasies are not fulfilled. But in the big scheme, they are not that important. Besides, if they were fulfilled, I would just think up new ones.



ThrowAway88 -> RE: He's Clearly Vanilla (9/15/2012 12:39:14 PM)

This won't fly for a number of reasons. You have to understand this is a vanilla relationship. He wouldn't go for that and it's not what I'm after either. I see your logic though. Thanks.
quote:

ORIGINAL: Alecta

So let me see if I'm getting this right... he's perfect in every way except when spanking you in the bedroom, is that about right?

Why then is it so difficult to engage the standard solution to attend play parties together where you could get a bigger sadist to wail on you while he holds your hand?




ThrowAway88 -> RE: He's Clearly Vanilla (9/15/2012 12:43:46 PM)

I have to come back to this. I'm out the door. But I will.


quote:

ORIGINAL: lizi

So, I hate to be pushy but I asked before and would like to ask again about how is it exactly that he's not fulfilling you? Post #20. I do think this is pertinent to your situation.


So many good responses. Thank you. I'll come back to this later but it's very appreciated.



Alecta -> RE: He's Clearly Vanilla (9/15/2012 1:29:16 PM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: ThrowAway88

This won't fly for a number of reasons. You have to understand this is a vanilla relationship. He wouldn't go for that and it's not what I'm after either. I see your logic though. Thanks.




I think I got turned around and confused when you mentioned about him trying to Dom you in the bedroom and you not being able to buy it. I think I'll need to wait for you to answer lizi's question.

bit of a throwaway suggestion, why not bombard him with passages from the Fifty Shades series that particularly excite you? It's mainstream enough that it wouldn't be a BDSM hardsell, and it might be just what he needs to ignite his imagination and interest?



BambiBoi -> RE: He's Clearly Vanilla (9/15/2012 1:30:51 PM)

Dear ThrowAway,

I appreciate how hard being torn is. You have a solid relationship in the bag, but the Master of your dreams is in the bush. You want to go hunting, but you don't want to lose the farm. You have my sympathies. I don't think you've done anything wrong by wanting more, but it would be helpful to know what exactly is missing. Is it 24/7 D/s elements? Is it a hardcore sadistic streak? Is he also submissive? The more you can fill in about what's missing, the easier it is to give more than sympathy and hugs.

Let's look at this logically.

You can stay with him, as things are, and grow them as best as possible.
You can leave him, and go back on the prowl.
You can keep him and go on the prowl.

If its certain kinks you want to see more of, there are many ways to get them. Sure, he may not be clamoring to spank you, but maybe he can be bribed. Meanwhile, you put yourself in the mindset that you're such a little slave you'll cook a delicious meal and suck his dick while he eats just to get beaten. If it's something bigger missing, little bribes and quid pro quo won't work. Please take a moment to expand on what's missing if you'd like more tailored advice.

You COULD leave him, but then you're on the prowl. It is my opinion that finding a person you can love in a vanilla sense is way harder than finding someone who hits you the right way. I would never advise someone to leave a good relationship to find a good dominant. It's risky. Plus... If you're on the prowl for dominants, you're likely to find dominance first, vanilla compatibility second. Also, those who are looking to be found as a dominant are putting that foot forward. I'm not saying its a recipe for disaster, but I am saying you invite unnecessary challenges.

You mentioned you've talked. Have you talked about a non sexual dominant for you? Many men are open to the idea if 1) there's no sex, 2) he gets to supervise. In an ideal world, this brings you closer. This is a borderline cuckold poly relationship, so use care and caution with this remedy.

In short, despite some very pointed stabs at your current mate, you seem unwaveringly in his arms. Don't throw that away. Lets find a way to build around it.

I respect your anonymity, so if sharing details does not work for you, I understand.




littlewonder -> RE: He's Clearly Vanilla (9/15/2012 7:53:56 PM)

You answered your own question. He can't give you what you need. For you, bdsm is not something you can go without apparently. But again, I have no idea what you mean of what he can't give you.

Personally for me, if I found someone outside of bdsm who was perfect for me I'd forgo all the bdsm stuff. Even if he wasn't dominant in the bdsm sense, I would still serve him...make him dinner, make sure things are done the way he likes them, clean, laundry, run errands...whatever, just to make his life easier. For me personally, that's the crux of my submission. Making others happy whether they are into bdsm or not is my thing.



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