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RE: He's Clearly Vanilla - 9/16/2012 8:03:53 PM   
sexyred1


Posts: 8998
Joined: 8/9/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: ThrowAway88

I guess I wondered after reading some of this, if the advice here and what I’m being chastised for, is to always always always date through kinky avenues. I’m probably not going to do that. I don’t think that makes me a bad person.


Actually, not one post here has conveyed that or chastised you for that.

I have never met any of the loves of my life who were Dominant through a kinky venue, never. I met ALL of them in vanilla situations.

Where you meet someone has nothing to do with communication and recognition of your own needs and desires and HIS needs and desires. You can find out fairly quickly if someone has that in him. On the third date in each of my relationships, including my marriage, I fessed up about my proclivities. Lucky for me, they were into it to varying degrees.

I also met other great guys through vanilla venues and confessed what I was into fairly soon and some of them either said, wow, that's hot, I would like to try or they said, OMG you must be crazy to be into whips and chains.

The point here is that I was upfront and I totally respected their viewpoints. The ones who had no experience in this tried and sometimes failed and I recognized it would not work for that or other reasons. I did not keep on seeing them because I don't want to be hurt or hurt anyone else.

< Message edited by sexyred1 -- 9/16/2012 8:04:15 PM >

(in reply to ThrowAway88)
Profile   Post #: 61
RE: He's Clearly Vanilla - 9/16/2012 8:18:51 PM   
Winterapple


Posts: 1343
Joined: 8/19/2011
Status: offline 		I think that's the best approach to take.
Don't cut yourself off from potential partners
but always be upfront about your needs
and desires. Upfront early not after you've
become emotionally entangled with
someone.

And as with anyone seeking a relationship
you need to be honest with yourself
as well as any potential partners.
And to be honest with yourself you have
to know yourself.

_____________________________

A thousand dreams within me softly burn.
Rimbaud




(in reply to sexyred1)
Profile   Post #: 62
RE: He's Clearly Vanilla - 9/16/2012 8:39:11 PM   
samdarella


Posts: 222
Joined: 8/23/2010
Status: offline 		This thread was thought provoking. Master and I are in the process of defining our relationship and writing our contract. I was at work on break and He asked me (I can't remember exact words. I think I was so traumatized I have a mental block) what if He decided to become vanilla. I quit breathing. OMG. Did He have a stroke? Some kind of brain injury? Because that's the only way I could imagine Him not in control. Dominance is such a core part of Him. It was His sense of humor that attracted me to Him as a friend. It's His kink and perversions that make my girlie parts quiver. But it's His ways of being Master that made me fall in love with Him. Without that it just wouldn't be the same. I would still love Him as my friend. But I would need to seek another. And damn that would suck.

_____________________________

Take me to the edge.

Pain is....

(in reply to LaTigresse)
Profile   Post #: 63
RE: He's Clearly Vanilla - 9/17/2012 6:01:16 AM   
loveseat


Posts: 28
Joined: 6/7/2005
Status: offline 		I met my partner online, and our relationship was the usual type of vanilla. At one point I just blurted it all out, quite brazenly too. I told him what I needed, and furthermore, I said that I had no interest in pursuing a relationship that didn't fulfill these needs. At that point I was well on my way to being in love with him, but after years of of being in vanilla relationships and being haunted by my desires, I knew I had to be honest with myself, being honest with him was just a by-product really.

We communicated online for almost two years before he moved 10,000 miles to be with me. We have been living together for four years and there has been many a time when I thought he was vanilla. He's not though, he just has his own way of being dominant, so the question I had to ask myself is, was it enough? For me the answer is yes, because love (dare I say twue wuv) was a huge factor. He is not as brutal as I would like, but he will listen to my deepest darkest fantasies without judgement. The kink is not as intense as I would like, but damn if he doesn't hold my heart in his hands.

The biggest hurdle for me was headspace. I thought it was his job as a dominant to get me into a submissive headspace. What happened though was, if I got *myself* into that place and acted like a submissive, he relaxed and became more dominant. From a purely kink perspective our relationship isn't all that I dreamed of, but if you factor in the love, he's the One.

He has also given me permission (with restrictions) to pursue avenues that didn't interest him. For example, I wanted to explore the Daddy/little dynamic and at the stage in our relationship that I wanted to explore this he wasn't open to it, so he gave me permission to have sessions with a Daddy Dom (with the restriction that no sex was involved), so that I could see if it was something I wanted to explore further. He doesn't have the skills or experience to use a bullwhip, so he gave me permission to attend a play party (with him present) so that somebody skilled and experienced could do this for me.

I'm not trying to suggest that your partner isn't vanilla, I am saying though that if I had written my partner off as vanilla I would have dismissed the greatest relationship of my life as not being enough.

(in reply to samdarella)
Profile   Post #: 64
RE: He's Clearly Vanilla - 9/17/2012 9:50:36 PM   
DesFIP


Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline 		You know op, you define dominance in a very narrow way. Not all of us have a ton of rules, and most of us don't have a punishment dynamic.

Plus when you define dominant as selfish ass, that's a pretty narrow way of looking at it.

Does this guy defer to you most of the time or does he make decisions and you follow along? Because that's what it really is when you boil it all down. Kinky is not necessarily dominant. Making you unhappy is not necessarily dominant.

Some of us are with partner who value our opinions and view us as equal in value in the relationship. Which doesn't mean that we have more authority. Is an OR nurse equal in value to the surgeon and to the success of the operation? I think so. But that's not the same as being equal in authority. From that pov, the surgeon is greater.

If he's doing what he wants, and what he wants is to indulge you, then he's still leading the relationship. So leaving you tied and uncomfortable for an hour is one way of being a dominant. But equally, is not stopping till you've had forty orgasms because he gets his jollies from that instead.

You seem to be fixated on your past relationships and believe that they are the only way. If they were so great, why did you move on?

You're being unfair to this guy by not letting him be himself, but instead always wanting him to be a carbon copy of your ex.

If you need more sadism, that's one thing. But don't mistake that as the only way to be a dominant.

_____________________________

Slave to laundry

Cynical and proud of it!


(in reply to loveseat)
Profile   Post #: 65
RE: He's Clearly Vanilla - 9/18/2012 3:20:32 AM   
Salinedion


Posts: 198
Joined: 5/25/2012
Status: offline 		What you have in the making is a passive aggressive siege that eventually kills your deal dead. He's gonna feel pressured, you're gonna feel denied. You're looking for a loophole, but no one has one. Sex is a super-important glue for keeping together. With that seriously compromised, you're gonna have problems.

_____________________________

I hate the 'reply to' note at the end of the post. Just assume I'm posting to the board at large and not the person above me unless I say diff, OK?

(in reply to DesFIP)
Profile   Post #: 66
RE: He's Clearly Vanilla - 9/18/2012 4:24:42 AM   
ChatteParfaitt


Posts: 6562
Joined: 3/22/2011
From: The t'aint of the Midwest -- Indiana
Status: offline 		Every now and then Des nails it.



_____________________________



(in reply to DesFIP)
Profile   Post #: 67
RE: He's Clearly Vanilla - 9/18/2012 7:22:44 AM   
LadyHibiscus


Posts: 27124
Joined: 8/15/2005
From: Island Of Misfit Toys
Status: offline 		Des nails it a lot of the time.

_____________________________

[page 23 girl]



(in reply to ChatteParfaitt)
Profile   Post #: 68
RE: He's Clearly Vanilla - 9/18/2012 8:32:14 AM   
theshytype


Posts: 1600
Status: offline 		I'm a little late coming into this one.

If I were you, I'd end it. IMO, I don't think you love him. You may care for him a great deal, and want to love him, but the fact that you're questioning the relationship leads me to believe he's not perfect for you. You can't change him, you obviously know that, so what makes you think you'll suddenly wake up one day and feel fulfilled by him?

I think its good that you're questioning now before you get in too deep. Don't settle for anything less than what you want.

I'm in a similar situation, but married him...I never had doubts, though. I believe I understand what you're missing, and I can tell you it will never get easier.

(in reply to ThrowAway88)
Profile   Post #: 69
RE: He's Clearly Vanilla - 9/18/2012 4:41:45 PM   
tsatske


Posts: 2037
Joined: 3/9/2007
From: Louisville, KY
Status: offline 		I had a happy vanilla first marriage. he tried spanking me maybe twice, it felt wrong to him. Never tried tying me. Of course, maybe it helped that I hadn't had much kink yet.

My kink prefrences are pretty extreme. But in day to day life, on the D/s side, I like 50's style. But I believe I could be with a vanilla man I clicked with the right way. because the pain is fun, but it is just sex. I honestly believe if the relationship works, the sex will work itself out.

What I want to know is, can you not get your fulfilling 50s relationship with a man who views you as his equal? is he against you cooking him dinner and cleaning his house? lots of very vanilla Christian women who believe in being submissive with thier husbands do so, with their husbands consent, even if he views her as his equal. I think if your main D/s kink is 1950s, you might be able to be fulfilled in this relationship, just by setting out to please him. He obvoiusly cares for you for who you are, and this no doubt includes your predisposition to be pleasing. So perhaps you could just run with that?

_____________________________

“If you never did you should. These things are fun and fun is good”
~Dr. Seuss quote

(in reply to lizi)
Profile   Post #: 70
RE: He's Clearly Vanilla - 9/19/2012 12:17:07 AM   
SailingBum


Posts: 3225
Joined: 12/10/2007
From: Sailin the stormy sea
Status: offline 		Ya know typically I refuse to respond to Im ashamed to put my real name here as they lack balls. Basically you toyed with his emotions and now you don't want to admit it, hence the hiding. On top of that your game playing drama queen.

BadOne

_____________________________

The beatings will continue until morale improves.

According to SwithNSpanky
We are all so very lucky to have you with us to impart your great wisdom.

(in reply to littlewonder)
Profile   Post #: 71
RE: He's Clearly Vanilla - 9/19/2012 12:46:23 AM   
loveseat


Posts: 28
Joined: 6/7/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: tsatske

I honestly believe if the relationship works, the sex will work itself out.



I have a failed marriage to show that doesn't apply to everyone, I won't bore you with the details suffice to I spent 14 years believing the same as you and, well without that super-important glue, our relationship eventually fell apart :(

(in reply to tsatske)
Profile   Post #: 72
RE: He's Clearly Vanilla - 9/19/2012 3:50:04 AM   
Killerangel


Posts: 1169
Joined: 8/3/2010
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: loveseat


quote:

ORIGINAL: tsatske

I honestly believe if the relationship works, the sex will work itself out.



I have a failed marriage to show that doesn't apply to everyone, I won't bore you with the details suffice to I spent 14 years believing the same as you and, well without that super-important glue, our relationship eventually fell apart :(



However in a general sense, I think Tsatske is right for the most part. There are always exceptions of course. I'm not saying it will be the best sex ever, and completely mind-blowing, but the chance of having the sex thing work out in a general way is very good if the relationship works.

(in reply to loveseat)
Profile   Post #: 73
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