processing sadness

processing sadness (Full Version)

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lkb0503 -> processing sadness (9/17/2012 8:55:42 PM)
So I'm making my way through the sadness of loosing the 1st Dom. Even though I know its for the best, it still hurts. i did see him twice after I deleted his number.. after I told him I attended A BDSM picnic, he requested I send him an e mail to summarize how I need to honor and respect myself as a sub, and how a Dom should treat me!! Very Ironic considering he did not respect me!! That was Sunday Seot. 9th. After that the Dropped call, no kore text no more emails. By thursday of that week I sent him this text: "In the spirit of honoring and respecting myself I release you of your obligation of being my Dom. I'm just too busy with Family, classes, social stuff to sit by the phone when you do not contact me for days. be safe take care of yourself." I would have liked better closure, but I do realize I deserve better. Intrestingly my creative writing inspiration has returned!!

BambiBoi -> RE: processing sadness (9/17/2012 9:22:34 PM)
Be strong, Kiddo. It's easy to go back to people who are already on your "list." You deserve someone you feel respects you. I would also brush up on the cycle of abuse. I'm not suggesting he was abusive, but break-ups with limited closure follow a similar dangerous pattern.

MsLadySue -> RE: processing sadness (9/17/2012 9:26:42 PM)
I applaud you for taking a stance to respect yourself. [sm=cheering.gif] Doesn't sound like he was worthy of your submission. Great creative writing in your closing text.

Alecta -> RE: processing sadness (9/17/2012 9:34:17 PM)
If I remember rightly, this is the one you posted about back in August who went off to deal with family business and left you in a panic because you didn't see enough of him? It's rather unfair of you to call him names just because he wasn't your ideal. It's also rather unrealistic to expect the kind of hands-on close-contact relationship you seemed to want from someone who has other family and life obligations (from your other thread). The guy who tells you to "shut up and deal bitch, I'm the Dom around here" is disrespectful. The one that doesn't get around to keeping you in every tiny loop of his life, well, he's just not that into you. I don't recall if you'd ever mentioned that he'd ORDERED you to put your life on hold and wait by the phone doing nothing until you hear from him. If he did, then yea, it's kindda lame. But if he didn't, then that's actually your mistake and until you realise you're making it, you'll be repeating it with every single Dom you meet. Glad to hear you're happier though.

DarkSteven -> RE: processing sadness (9/17/2012 9:42:07 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: lkb0503 he requested I send him an e mail to summarize how I need to honor and respect myself as a sub, and how a Dom should treat me!! Next time you get a request from someone who is not your Dom, I suggest you decline.

LadyPact -> RE: processing sadness (9/17/2012 11:37:56 PM)
Would you happen to be referring to the person that you wrote about in this thread, OP? http://www.collarchat.com/m_4222940/tm.htm The one where a good number of the folks on that thread tried to make you understand that you were kind of a play and/or booty call? If you want to keep referring to that as Dom/sub, be My guest. Since you are so very new to BDSM, this is what we call a "break up" or a dissolution of a friends with benefits situation. Lots of folks like to pretend that, if they refer to it as D/s, this somehow makes it harder, or more painful, or more needing of special fairy dust to take care of the wound. It doesn't, but those who like to act like BDSM arrangements aren't similar to non BDSM arrangements, like fuck buddies or people who date each other, get to put pretty names on things, rather than see they were a piece of ass. I am so sorry that you are having to process sadness from losing your "Dom" who was obviously in such a meaningful, deeply committed dynamic with you. Perhaps some chocolate ice cream will help.

gungadin09 -> RE: processing sadness (9/18/2012 12:48:50 AM)
I remember being that silly. Oh, wait. That was last week. Pam

lkb0503 -> RE: processing sadness (9/18/2012 2:35:12 AM)
To all replies: I'm just venting and had no intention of calling him (the Dom) names. It took some time for me to get it through my head that it was a "booty call". I received great advice and support from the other post. Thanks very much to those who gave me support and advice there. My text answer to him was sarcastic, yes I was hurting. I made many mistakes with this experience, especially letting myself get too emotionally involved. So my post was about venting and healing. Thanks for all replies.

angelikaJ -> RE: processing sadness (9/18/2012 3:43:18 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: lkb0503 To all replies: I'm just venting and had no intention of calling him (the Dom) names. It took some time for me to get it through my head that it was a "booty call". I received great advice and support from the other post. Thanks very much to those who gave me support and advice there. My text answer to him was sarcastic, yes I was hurting. I made many mistakes with this experience, especially letting myself get too emotionally involved. So my post was about venting and healing. Thanks for all replies. I do understand venting etc. You did have another choice: Take your power back. How would it have felt to simply say to him "You do not own me."? Please keep in mind, that is the thing with dominant partners. 1) We get to decide if they are right for us. 2) We get to decide if they ever have the right to be our dominant partner and how we define the relationship. (If they aren't offering what we want or need, no matter how nice they are, or compelling or even seemingly mystical, we are simply incompatible) 3) No matter what we have promised them we have the right to end the relationship at any time. You never have to call them "Sir", "Master", "Mistress", "Ma'am" or any other honorific title until a) it suits them and more importantly b) it suits you. You owe them nothing if they bought you dinner. You owe them nothing if they chatted with you for awhile and 'you're just not feeling it'. Best wishes in the future.

ChatteParfaitt -> RE: processing sadness (9/18/2012 4:19:31 AM)
Okay, so you were a booty call, and I believe the man was married, otherwise involved, or perhaps emotionally unavailable, doesn't matter. He didn't treat you well and in my mind was not even a dominant, merely masquerading as one. Yes, you made a bad choice. We've all made bad choice. I've personally made some pathetically bad ones. (That's why I'm so good at giving advice, I've been there.) That he didn't deserve you does not take away the hurt and pain you feel now, or erase the humiliation at making such a bad first choice. Of course you have to process through those feelings. But, give yourself some credit for taking an enormous first step going from having kinky fantasies in your mind, and getting out there and actually meeting a live human being. Spend some time healing and use it wisely. Use the time to ponder why you made the choice you did. Doing some research on sub frenzy and how a sub should hold onto her boundaries during the getting to know phases would help you tremendously. Also having friends in your local community that can advise you. Which brings me to: big kudos on attending the BDSM picnic. In time the hurt and pain will pass, and in a few months, you will have forgotten what all the fuss was about. During the meantime, educate yourself so you do better next time. Best, CP

kiwisub12 -> RE: processing sadness (9/18/2012 6:06:27 AM)
The way i processed loosing my first dom was to grieve as the funeral home people took him out the door. And laugh at the surrounding circumstances, and cry at his death. A booty call dom? - wouldn't have rated even sadness from me.

kalikshama -> RE: processing sadness (9/18/2012 6:15:50 AM)
Oh, I've had sadness before deciding to kick a booty call Top to the curb. But mostly anger and frustration.

lkb0503 -> RE: processing sadness (9/18/2012 6:22:29 AM)
Thanks to all for your support!! I truly mean that and will continue to read and research BDSM, sub frenzy. I have already aquired some good books from the book list provided in another post!! I appreciate all who 'listen' to my whining and venting!!

LadyHibiscus -> RE: processing sadness (9/18/2012 7:28:34 AM)
I'm glad that you went to the picnic. We've all made bad decisions. Move on from this one. Setting boundaries is very difficult, but very important. Decide what your standards are, and stick with them.

angelikaJ -> RE: processing sadness (9/18/2012 8:08:19 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: LadyHibiscus I'm glad that you went to the picnic. We've all made bad decisions. Move on from this one. Setting boundaries is very difficult, but very important. Decide what your standards are, and stick with them. Trying to re-set a boundary once you have moved it (or allowed someone to cross it) is very difficult. It is not impossible but mentally once we have allowed a boundary to be crossed that we don't want to be crossed, it often seems less important *and we matter less to ourselves*.

amaidiamond -> RE: processing sadness (9/18/2012 8:46:40 AM)
quote: That he didn't deserve you does not take away the hurt and pain you feel now, or erase the humiliation at making such a bad first choice. Of course you have to process through those feelings. But, give yourself some credit for taking an enormous first step going from having kinky fantasies in your mind, and getting out there and actually meeting a live human being. This ^^^^ Some posts on this thread have seemed to imply that you should not be sad over loosing a "booty call" man masquerading as a dom End of the day - it doesn't matter if it is playmates or truly madly deeply, breakups HURT and you have every right to feel the sadness and work your way through it.

ChatteParfaitt -> RE: processing sadness (9/18/2012 11:31:51 AM)
quote: Trying to re-set a boundary once you have moved it (or allowed someone to cross it) is very difficult. I think this is most especially true with those wannabe type doms who intentionally take advantage. I don't know enough about this one to know if he fit that category, but I'm think he could have, in which case the OP gave him an inch and he swept in and took the mile, all the while proclaiming "It's what dom's do". Yeah, that's hard to deal with when you're brand spanking new.

chatterbox24 -> RE: processing sadness (9/18/2012 3:23:16 PM)
I say call him every name in the book if that helps you feel better.[:D] Booty call or not, obviously you liked him and wanted more of his time which he wasnt giving. punch a pillow and say I hate it when I like someone more then they like me! lol. Juvenile? Yah thats me, but hey it worked for me to do that until I was over it. Best wishes and happy times to you.

angelikaJ -> RE: processing sadness (9/18/2012 6:05:18 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: ChatteParfaitt quote: Trying to re-set a boundary once you have moved it (or allowed someone to cross it) is very difficult. I think this is most especially true with those wannabe type doms who intentionally take advantage. I don't know enough about this one to know if he fit that category, but I'm think he could have, in which case the OP gave him an inch and he swept in and took the mile, all the while proclaiming "It's what dom's do". Yeah, that's hard to deal with when you're brand spanking new. Decent doms do not trespass across boundaries.

MistressDarkArt -> RE: processing sadness (9/18/2012 8:32:31 PM)
Delete delete delete that number and all the texts and emails attached to it!! Buh bye, dude! Write 200 times: I offer the best. I deserve the best.

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