Advice and opinions for a new sub

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Hotencounters -> Advice and opinions for a new sub (9/25/2012 11:14:32 AM)
I have enjoyed reading these boards so I thought this could be the perfect place to come with my topic so opinions and advice can be given from a variety of people and therefore be considered unbiased as much as possible. I'm new here and have enjoyed getting to know people but have some strong opinions on some issues that a friend of mine is having. Since my opinion and views could be considered biased I'd like my friend to hear yours without my bias involved. She has been involved with a Dom online for 4-6 weeks now. They have talked everyday and throughout the day since they met. They have had an intense online affair through here, email, and cam. He told her he was falling in love with her and she's really hung up on him and believes what he says. She then asked him what his whole name and phone number was. He refused her request. He won't give her his name or phone number and is upset with her for not being okay with his refusal to share such basic information that is generally given to people you are interested in. Is this an indicator that he isn't as into her as he would have her believe? How long should she wait for him to share that sort of information? Since I've had a bad experience or two I don't want to be the only opinion or words of advice she hears.

poise -> RE: Advice and opinions for a new sub (9/25/2012 11:21:08 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Hotencounters Is this an indicator that he isn't as into her as he would have her believe? Oh, I'm sure he is into her alright, but only until she forces him to face reality and offer up his real identity. quote: ORIGINAL: Hotencounters How long should she wait for him to share that sort of information? She is long past the time any sane person would have waited. "I think I am falling in love with you, but you can never know who I really am" What the heck kind of relationship is that?

SinFix -> RE: Advice and opinions for a new sub (9/25/2012 11:22:07 AM)
Yeah.. that whole not giving me his name and number at that point would be a red flag that he is most likely married but that said, did he ever state or did she ever ask if he was looking for more than online?

Hotencounters -> RE: Advice and opinions for a new sub (9/25/2012 11:25:14 AM)
Hmmm now it seems like I've heard those words somewhere before! How about this as a response..."he was really hurt in his past and has serious trust issues and needs me to be patient with him"?

OsideGirl -> RE: Advice and opinions for a new sub (9/25/2012 11:25:15 AM)
It's cyber. He may very well have string feelings for the hot fantasy, but regardless of anything else he is clearly not willing to take it beyond being a cyber relationship.

Hotencounters -> RE: Advice and opinions for a new sub (9/25/2012 11:27:18 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: SinFix Yeah.. that whole not giving me his name and number at that point would be a red flag that he is most likely married but that said, did he ever state or did she ever ask if he was looking for more than online? Yes! He talked about them living together and her being "His".

SinFix -> RE: Advice and opinions for a new sub (9/25/2012 11:29:59 AM)
Hmmm... that still sounds like a string along cyber affair to me, I mean really he has "strong" feelings for a woman he has never physically met? Have they actually met?

Hotencounters -> RE: Advice and opinions for a new sub (9/25/2012 11:31:04 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: OsideGirl It's cyber. He may very well have string feelings for the hot fantasy, but regardless of anything else he is clearly not willing to take it beyond being a cyber relationship. That is certainly how it looks to me! Doesn't seem like it can even be a deep online fling if you can't share the basics.

poise -> RE: Advice and opinions for a new sub (9/25/2012 11:32:07 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Hotencounters Hmmm now it seems like I've heard those words somewhere before! How about this as a response..."he was really hurt in his past and has serious trust issues and needs me to be patient with him"? Sounds like he just needs a little more time to come up with an optimal Plan B. Plan B most often turns out to be him searching for someone more gullible. Sadly, if your friend tolerates this, she will develop trust issues of her own.

Hotencounters -> RE: Advice and opinions for a new sub (9/25/2012 11:32:33 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: SinFix Hmmm... that still sounds like a string along cyber affair to me, I mean really he has "strong" feelings for a woman he has never physically met? Have they actually met? No, they haven't met in person but she was making plans to travel to him.

JanahX -> RE: Advice and opinions for a new sub (9/25/2012 11:35:42 AM)
He's married. Duh

Hotencounters -> RE: Advice and opinions for a new sub (9/25/2012 11:35:49 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: poise quote: ORIGINAL: Hotencounters Hmmm now it seems like I've heard those words somewhere before! How about this as a response..."he was really hurt in his past and has serious trust issues and needs me to be patient with him"? Sounds like he just needs a little more time to come up with an optimal Plan B. Plan B most often turns out to be him searching for someone more gullible. Sadly, if your friend tolerates this, she will develop trust issues of her own. Oh she already has trust issues of her own but I imagine they will get worse after this. She doesn't want to let go of him either because she seems to think she just needs to give him more time to know he can trust her.

ChatteParfaitt -> RE: Advice and opinions for a new sub (9/25/2012 11:36:32 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Hotencounters Hmmm now it seems like I've heard those words somewhere before! How about this as a response..."he was really hurt in his past and has serious trust issues and needs me to be patient with him"? I've heard this before. There is only one correct response. If you are so hurt you cannot build trust by giving out basic information, you are too damaged to enter into a relationship. Please seek therapy or healing of whatever nature you choose. During the meantime, we're not a good match, since I can't wait around for people to fix themselves. Is this harsh, oh hell yes. But I've learned the hard way that people who tell you this are those who are looking for someone who are so nice and kind and wonderful and patient that they are willing to be a sucker for someone just like this guy. (I know this 'cause I met this guy, or someone just like him.) The kind of person who naturally sees the best in people, so really does want to help this wonderful man heal so he can be the best that he can be. Please tell your friend to run, not walk, out the door.

SinFix -> RE: Advice and opinions for a new sub (9/25/2012 11:37:21 AM)
Everything said so far would tell me that he was married, the not giving me information when I asked would have me turn around and walk right out the door because I would never trust him if he wasn't willing to share minor details. There are a ton of fish in this sea, so why waste time with someone that isn't willing or able to provide what I would need.

VioletViolence -> RE: Advice and opinions for a new sub (9/25/2012 11:39:15 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Hotencounters Oh she already has trust issues of her own but I imagine they will get worse after this. She doesn't want to let go of him either because she seems to think she just needs to give him more time to know he can trust her. I was in a relationship like this, although it was real time. "Time" is not going to help him trust her if he has trust issues, all that's going to happen is he's going to keep using them as an excuse to not treat her properly. Tell her to run, run really far and really fast.

SinFix -> RE: Advice and opinions for a new sub (9/25/2012 11:39:51 AM)
The trust issue thing is a scam IMO. I mean I have them but yet I am able to at least trust enough to give minor insignificant details about myself to someone I was interested in building a relationship with..

Hotencounters -> RE: Advice and opinions for a new sub (9/25/2012 11:41:59 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: JanahX He's married. Duh Lol! Love the duh! I wondered the same thing but he does actually appear to be a single father...unless he's just a really good liar. Which is of course entirely possible but there have been more indicators that he is really single from what I understand. It's the commitment end I have a problem with. I don't see him as someone that would really be committed to her and having a real life future with her because of this latest development.

Hotencounters -> RE: Advice and opinions for a new sub (9/25/2012 11:48:19 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: ChatteParfaitt quote: ORIGINAL: Hotencounters Hmmm now it seems like I've heard those words somewhere before! How about this as a response..."he was really hurt in his past and has serious trust issues and needs me to be patient with him"? I've hears this before. There is only one correct response. If you are so hurt you cannot build trust by giving out basic information, you are too damaged to enter into a relationship. Please seek therapy or healing of whatever nature you choose. During the meantime, we're not a good match, since I can't wait around for people to fix themselves. Is this harsh, oh hell yes. But I've learned the hard way that people who tell you this are those who are looking for someone who are so nice and kind and wonderful and patient that they are willing to be a sucker for someone just like this guy. (I know this 'cause I met this guy, or someone just like him.) The kind of person who naturally sees the best in people, so really does want to help this wonderful man heal so he can be the best that he can be. Please tell your friend to run, not walk, out the door. Omg! You sound like me! How about this...what would YOU say to him? Anything?

Hotencounters -> RE: Advice and opinions for a new sub (9/25/2012 11:49:42 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: SinFix The trust issue thing is a scam IMO. I mean I have them but yet I am able to at least trust enough to give minor insignificant details about myself to someone I was interested in building a relationship with.. This is pretty much my view in a nutshell.

Alecta -> RE: Advice and opinions for a new sub (9/25/2012 11:57:38 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Hotencounters She has been involved with a Dom online for 4-6 weeks now. They have talked everyday and throughout the day since they met. They have had an intense online affair through here, email, and cam. He told her he was falling in love with her and she's really hung up on him and believes what he says. She then asked him what his whole name and phone number was. He refused her request. He won't give her his name or phone number and is upset with her for not being okay with his refusal to share such basic information that is generally given to people you are interested in. Is this an indicator that he isn't as into her as he would have her believe? How long should she wait for him to share that sort of information? Since I've had a bad experience or two I don't want to be the only opinion or words of advice she hears. It's a likely indicator that he's got stuff to hide and very likely doesn't actually care to take the relationship out of fantasy and into real life. I am guilty of this. I do not give out my number or picture to subs I'm interested in over the internet. Yes, there are "trust issues" there. I've been stalked before and while it wasn't traumatizing it was bloody annoying, not to mention these days there is family to consider and protect. Since I'm refusing to give out my image to one set of people on the internet, it's hardly fair to not do the same for all, so that's where I stand on sending pics. There are pics of me floating around on the net, though, as I think anyone who's done their due diligence would discover. With mu phone number it's touch and go depending on my mood, and heavily influenced by how I feel about phone communication (hate it, but there are good days and bad days). But I think the only times I've been defensive at people who have reasonable right to ask for my picture/number is when I'm not sure about them. So speaking as that person on the other side, I wouldn't recommend she get too deeply involved, and certainly not go out of her way to stay with him without even speaking to him on the phone. I won't discourage her from visiting if she takes the right precautions, but if she has some deluded sense of a "perfect relationship" without ever hearing his voice and a frail ego/psyche to begin with then it's probably not a good idea.

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