RE: Advice and opinions for a new sub

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Hotencounters -> RE: Advice and opinions for a new sub (9/25/2012 12:09:13 PM)
[/quote] It's a likely indicator that he's got stuff to hide and very likely doesn't actually care to take the relationship out of fantasy and into real life. I am guilty of this. I do not give out my number or picture to subs I'm interested in over the internet. Yes, there are "trust issues" there. I've been stalked before and while it wasn't traumatizing it was bloody annoying, not to mention these days there is family to consider and protect. Since I'm refusing to give out my image to one set of people on the internet, it's hardly fair to not do the same for all, so that's where I stand on sending pics. There are pics of me floating around on the net, though, as I think anyone who's done their due diligence would discover. With mu phone number it's touch and go depending on my mood, and heavily influenced by how I feel about phone communication (hate it, but there are good days and bad days). But I think the only times I've been defensive at people who have reasonable right to ask for my picture/number is when I'm not sure about them. So speaking as that person on the other side, I wouldn't recommend she get too deeply involved, and certainly not go out of her way to stay with him without even speaking to him on the phone. I won't discourage her from visiting if she takes the right precautions, but if she has some deluded sense of a "perfect relationship" without ever hearing his voice and a frail ego/psyche to begin with then it's probably not a good idea. [/quote] Hmmm good to hear from the other side! Even if it would be nice to hit you with a few dozen water balloons...among other things if you have ever lead someone on to think there was potential for more if you know there isn't going in. I mean I'm fine with a strictly online and no personal info type thing if both know that going in but she really believed he loved her and wanted more. That's what I have issues with because his words and actions are obviously conflicting and that hurt her. Yet he claims her getting upset hurt him. I do think hearing from "the other side" offers her that view point that she really should see. You having been there are in a perfect position to show her "a closer perspective" and a pov she may look at a little deeper.

Alecta -> RE: Advice and opinions for a new sub (9/25/2012 12:24:05 PM)
Well, since I'm willing to say it, I'm willing to accept the pelting lol I will say that I've never intentionally led people to believe that there could be more when there wasn't. Can I ask how old is your friend and how old is this other guy? I went through that phase where "Online relationships" with no real world contact were everything in the world to me. I was 16 and, lets be honest, had no close friends IRL to speak of (people got kindda intimidated by my nihilistic broodiness and I refused to accept their "being nice to everybody" thing). Thing is, though, if he really wanted more he'd have asked for more? Has he asked to call her? To hear her speak? And if he were invested in her visiting, perhaps he should go halfsies on travel cost if not pay all of it.

kalikshama -> RE: Advice and opinions for a new sub (9/25/2012 12:26:25 PM)
quote: They have had an intense online affair through here, email, and cam. He told her he was falling in love with her and she's really hung up on him and believes what he says. She then asked him what his whole name and phone number was. He refused her request. He won't give her his name or phone number and is upset with her for not being okay with his refusal to share such basic information that is generally given to people you are interested in. This screams married to me. quote: "he was really hurt in his past and has serious trust issues and needs me to be patient with him"? If he's this damaged, he should be seeking a therapist, not a sub. quote: he does actually appear to be a single father...unless he's just a really good liar. Which is of course entirely possible but there have been more indicators that he is really single from what I understand. What indicators? - No women's belongings at his house? Oh, she's never been there. - No restrictions on phone calls outside work hours? Oh, he won't give her his #. - No woman's name on the title of his house? Well, she sure can't look that up without his last name, can she?

kalikshama -> RE: Advice and opinions for a new sub (9/25/2012 12:30:35 PM)
BTW, are they emailing through the CM system or an outside email client? I find it odd when I repeatedly request that someone with whom I correspond use offsite email yet he returns to CM mail.

Hotencounters -> RE: Advice and opinions for a new sub (9/25/2012 12:40:13 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Alecta Well, since I'm willing to say it, I'm willing to accept the pelting lol I will say that I've never intentionally led people to believe that there could be more when there wasn't. Can I ask how old is your friend and how old is this other guy? I went through that phase where "Online relationships" with no real world contact were everything in the world to me. I was 16 and, lets be honest, had no close friends IRL to speak of (people got kindda intimidated by my nihilistic broodiness and I refused to accept their "being nice to everybody" thing). Thing is, though, if he really wanted more he'd have asked for more? Has he asked to call her? To hear her speak? And if he were invested in her visiting, perhaps he should go halfsies on travel cost if not pay all of it. That's a good idea actually but who knows what drama that suggestion could create if she suggested that. It might prove she "can't be trusted" lol oops lost myself there for a sec. She's actually my age so early 40s and he's late 40s so the gaps not real big. Glad to hear you'd take the pelting ;) but since you haven't led anyone to believe there could be more when there's not I think you're safe. :)

ChatteParfaitt -> RE: Advice and opinions for a new sub (9/25/2012 12:40:27 PM)
Using FR: A man (or woman) does not have to be married to be emotionally unavailable, or have such deep trust issues that can never really connect with someone real time, or be on the net playing with people's hearts. B/c telling someone you've never met that you are falling in love with them, and than being unwilling to give your name, that's playing head games. And nope, you don't have to be married, you just have to be fucked up. I remember one time several years back a man I was getting to know, same thing, he was all hurt and had trust issues. We were friends and had only talked on the phone, and I offered to send him some bath salts, so (obviously) I needed his name and address. Great big pause in the conversation. I said, you know, it's NOT A MARRIAGE PROPOSAL, IT'S FUCKING BATH SALTS. He had to consider it, but he managed to give me his name and address. But yeah, that sort of thing is a huge red flag and a hurdle that needs to be jumped far earlier in the relationship. Like WHEN YOU ARE STILL FRIENDS. Sorry for the shouting, but shesh.

Hotencounters -> RE: Advice and opinions for a new sub (9/25/2012 12:45:01 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: kalikshama quote: They have had an intense online affair through here, email, and cam. He told her he was falling in love with her and she's really hung up on him and believes what he says. She then asked him what his whole name and phone number was. He refused her request. He won't give her his name or phone number and is upset with her for not being okay with his refusal to share such basic information that is generally given to people you are interested in. This screams married to me. quote: "he was really hurt in his past and has serious trust issues and needs me to be patient with him"? If he's this damaged, he should be seeking a therapist, not a sub. quote: he does actually appear to be a single father...unless he's just a really good liar. Which is of course entirely possible but there have been more indicators that he is really single from what I understand. What indicators? - No women's belongings at his house? Oh, she's never been there. - No restrictions on phone calls outside work hours? Oh, he won't give her his #. - No woman's name on the title of his house? Well, she sure can't look that up without his last name, can she? It really does scream married but from the sounds of it if he is lying about that he has always been consistent with his lies. For all I know he is married but she hasn't had a single concern about that so I really wouldn't know.

Hotencounters -> RE: Advice and opinions for a new sub (9/25/2012 12:47:19 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: kalikshama BTW, are they emailing through the CM system or an outside email client? I find it odd when I repeatedly request that someone with whom I correspond use offsite email yet he returns to CM mail. Yes, they do use both regular email and cm mail.

Alecta -> RE: Advice and opinions for a new sub (9/25/2012 12:50:23 PM)
That's the thing though, if it creates drama then obviously he's not interested in things changing from the way it currently is, a fly-by internet porn romance. Trust me, I've been over every inch of that terrain. Granted like CP says, the reason he doesn't want to go there doesn't HAVE to be that he's married, the implications for your friend is the same. In the spirit of disclosure I said I didn't do so intentionally. I'm sure there's a gaggle of horny wannabe slaves who disagree somewhere.

Hotencounters -> RE: Advice and opinions for a new sub (9/25/2012 12:52:39 PM)
Lmao! Yes! I agree but she didn't and now she is upset and confused. She became attached to someone that is either to *ucked up to trust or someone that is just using her...neither is a good situation. The bath salts--at least he gave you his info. He'd probably stroke out if she asked for his address! Beyond that I could see the mailing label...to: master sir? Lol

Alecta -> RE: Advice and opinions for a new sub (9/25/2012 12:53:55 PM)
Also, being a single dad doesn't make one less of a internet or emotional predator. Nor does being a Dom, or nice, or "emotionally damaged". Maybe nothing does.

Hotencounters -> RE: Advice and opinions for a new sub (9/25/2012 12:57:01 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Alecta That's the thing though, if it creates drama then obviously he's not interested in things changing from the way it currently is, a fly-by internet porn romance. Trust me, I've been over every inch of that terrain. Granted like CP says, the reason he doesn't want to go there doesn't HAVE to be that he's married, the implications for your friend is the same. In the spirit of disclosure I said I didn't do so intentionally. I'm sure there's a gaggle of horny wannabe slaves who disagree somewhere. Yeah...sadly that is my opinion as well. And a whole gaggle? Really? Lmfao! I think you may just need to take the pelting anyway then! Lol

LadyPact -> RE: Advice and opinions for a new sub (9/25/2012 12:59:05 PM)
For your sake, OP, I hope the remainder of your friends are more intelligent and less gullible than the one you describe here. I don't know if I could be friends with somebody who is that degree of idiot.

Alecta -> RE: Advice and opinions for a new sub (9/25/2012 1:01:43 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Hotencounters And a whole gaggle? Really? Lmfao! I think you may just need to take the pelting anyway then! Lol So long as there's a wet t-shirt contest in there I could judge heh

ChatteParfaitt -> RE: Advice and opinions for a new sub (9/25/2012 1:15:57 PM)
Oh, sorry, the single parent thingie -- you know how many times people have heard that as an excuse for why someone can't call, can't come over, can't get off the net and make that stretch to real time, whatever. Please let's be clear, I am in no way disrespecting those single parents who are doing a wonderful job with little support. I am talking about those liars (and who the hell knows, maybe they are not liars) who use kids an an excuse whenever they need one. ETA: Sorry I can not type this afternoon. Yeah the guy with the bath salts I had known on the net for years, just as a friend. Since I DJed he knew my voice, how I looked, he'd sent me tons of music. He knew it was time to give some trust or I would cease to take him seriously, and he was right.

Hotencounters -> RE: Advice and opinions for a new sub (9/25/2012 1:20:51 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: LadyPact For your sake, OP, I hope the remainder of your friends are more intelligent and less gullible than the one you describe here. I don't know if I could be friends with somebody who is that degree of idiot. Op? Is that original poster? The fact is I like most people unless they give me reasons not to. Doesn't mean I deal with their dumb *hit all the time though. My friend and I are both new to the site and I hate to see anyone get screwed over. Since I can't tie her to a bed and whip sense into her this seemed like a good option. ;)

Hotencounters -> RE: Advice and opinions for a new sub (9/25/2012 1:23:41 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Alecta quote: ORIGINAL: Hotencounters And a whole gaggle? Really? Lmfao! I think you may just need to take the pelting anyway then! Lol So long as there's a wet t-shirt contest in there I could judge heh Lmao! That sounds fair enough

fucktoyprincess -> RE: Advice and opinions for a new sub (9/25/2012 1:25:46 PM)
I cannot begin to imagine what reasons he might have for wanting to keep this cyber (many other responders have already put forth some very plausible reasons). But regardless, I am suspicious of anyone saying that they love someone after 4-6 weeks of cyber. That one fact, in and of itself, is enough to say, I would be extremely wary of this person and this situation. For the record, I actually believe in love at first sight. It's happened to me. But people don't usually share that type of emotion so soon, at least not in my experience. It usually takes more time and togetherness before one or both parties will admit to an emotion as strong as love. Others might have a different perspective. [sm=2cents.gif]

Alecta -> RE: Advice and opinions for a new sub (9/25/2012 1:29:10 PM)
The number of times I've heard being a single dad as a genuine excuse for not talking to someone on the phone is ZERO. It's just a phone conversation, not a sex hotline, geez. Now, on the other hand, it is fairly common (and in my opinion a good thing) for a parent who does not have primary custody to suspend all other social interactions when they are with their kid. It is very sweet, but it is not the same as being a single dad. I know a few single dads. One in particular is a cad with women but amazing with his kid. He's never had any trouble talking to women or subbies on the phone or having them over when his kid is around, he just remembers to keep it clean. He does have occasional issues making and keeping dates because of his kid, but it doesn't stop him from trying. And when he wants grown-up time, he sends the munchkin to a slumberparty. It's seriously less of a drag in the dating world being a single dad than a single mom. Women tend to be much more understanding of how you're a parent first.

Hotencounters -> RE: Advice and opinions for a new sub (9/25/2012 1:31:16 PM)
CP I agree with you on all counts! I raised 3 and know all about how it can be to both be stuck wanting to do something but can't because of the kids and sitter issues as well as using them to not do something I didn't want to. Sounds like bath salts guy came around pretty quick. This guy still hasn't changed his mind and their disagreement happened almost a week ago. At this point I don't believe he will change his mind but I also don't know how sincere he would really be if he did. I think it screams game over, lick your wounds, learn from it and move on.

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