RE: Non-BDSM man with SM girlfriend

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Titaniya -> RE: Non-BDSM man with SM girlfriend (9/25/2012 5:46:08 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: pidepiper7 Thanks to all of you who have responded. You've given me a lot to think about. And please understand that I do understand that it can be "play" for some people. It's just that my reactions to people striking me (or pulling my hair) are well-established and visceral. I feel rage. That's just my deal. That's entirely reasonable. People are wired differently. I wish you luck and I hope things go well for you, whatever that may mean in context.

LookieNoNookie -> RE: Non-BDSM man with SM girlfriend (9/25/2012 5:48:43 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: pidepiper7 I have some sincere questions for folks here ... I'm a non-BDSM male who has recently started dating a totally awesome woman. I'm totally smitten like I've not been in a long time. I really like her. Really. The thing is, she told me this weekend she's into SM and would like to "play". She surprised me by grabbing my hair and holding me in a "submissive" hold. It was only "play" and she quickly let go. She told me she prefers being submissive but will "switch". She has masochistic tendencies. What she doesn't know and what I've not told her yet is that I was physically (not sexually) abused. I was a wild kid and my father believed in harsh physical punishment and he took it too far often. I never relented and stayed wild and took whatever he dished out until the age of 15 when I was big enough to put an end to it. I moved a lot and as the new kid I met my share of dominant males (bullies) at the new schools. I never tolerated them. There was invariably bloody fistfights until the dominant males (dominant in their mind only) all knew to leave me the f#@k alone. I WILL not EVER allow anyone to ever physically dominate me. NEVER. I'd literally rather die. So that's my attitude towards being a submissive. If you want to pull that crap on me you better be prepared to take it to a final conclusion. On the flip side, I have a difficult time wrapping my mind around the idea that someone would voluntarily put themselves in this position. And I sure as hell have no intention of doing this to someone else even as "play". I HATED being in this position. Why on earth would I become what I HATE? Although, to a certain extent I do understand sadism because I always enjoyed pounding on the class "bully" until he submitted. So that's my dilemma. I won't tolerate being abused in any context and I won't mete it out in any context except for some dumbass who wants to be aggressive towards me. So SM is not somewhere I can personally go. EVER. Is SM so important to people who enjoy it that she won't be able to live without it? Do I tell her to hit the road now? I really want to work it out because like I said she's awesome. Will she be unable to accept my past abuse and what this has done to me? Or is this SM stuff something SM people can't live without? Ask her if her ultimate fantasy is about an older, balding man (96% will say yes)....then, if she answers correctly....give her my number. (I'm just trying to help bud).

lizi -> RE: Non-BDSM man with SM girlfriend (9/25/2012 5:55:23 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: pidepiper7 Thanks to all of you who have responded. You've given me a lot to think about. And please understand that I do understand that it can be play for some people. It's just that my reactions to people striking me (or pulling my hair) are well-established and visceral. I feel rage. That's just my deal. You are entitled to that. No one is dismissing your feelings, you are welcome to have them. Many of us have strong feelings about certain things too and they are important and should be treated that way. BDSM is built on a cornerstone of consensual agreement. Everyone who chooses to delve into it should have their feelings respected, and should give their consent for what they do engage in. People going rogue and doing whatever they like is not the theme of the day. You don't like bullying, random hitting, or whatever, then there should be none of that. People talk things out quite extensively and figure out where they want to go with things. Safe words are beautiful things, anyone uses one and whatever they're objecting to should stop immediately.

lmpishlilhellcat -> RE: Non-BDSM man with SM girlfriend (9/25/2012 5:57:04 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: pidepiper7 I have some sincere questions for folks here ... I'm a non-BDSM male who has recently started dating a totally awesome woman. I'm totally smitten like I've not been in a long time. I really like her. Really. The thing is, she told me this weekend she's into SM and would like to "play". She surprised me by grabbing my hair and holding me in a "submissive" hold. It was only "play" and she quickly let go. She told me she prefers being submissive but will "switch". She has masochistic tendencies. What she doesn't know and what I've not told her yet is that I was physically (not sexually) abused. I was a wild kid and my father believed in harsh physical punishment and he took it too far often. I never relented and stayed wild and took whatever he dished out until the age of 15 when I was big enough to put an end to it. I moved a lot and as the new kid I met my share of dominant males (bullies) at the new schools. I never tolerated them. There was invariably bloody fistfights until the dominant males (dominant in their mind only) all knew to leave me the f#@k alone. I WILL not EVER allow anyone to ever physically dominate me. NEVER. I'd literally rather die. So that's my attitude towards being a submissive. If you want to pull that crap on me you better be prepared to take it to a final conclusion. On the flip side, I have a difficult time wrapping my mind around the idea that someone would voluntarily put themselves in this position. And I sure as hell have no intention of doing this to someone else even as "play". I HATED being in this position. Why on earth would I become what I HATE? Although, to a certain extent I do understand sadism because I always enjoyed pounding on the class "bully" until he submitted. So that's my dilemma. I won't tolerate being abused in any context and I won't mete it out in any context except for some dumbass who wants to be aggressive towards me. So SM is not somewhere I can personally go. EVER. Is SM so important to people who enjoy it that she won't be able to live without it? Do I tell her to hit the road now? I really want to work it out because like I said she's awesome. Will she be unable to accept my past abuse and what this has done to me? Or is this SM stuff something SM people can't live without? My husband and I are in a situation very similar to yours. He is non BDSM. He is the most gentle and caring man I have ever met. I on the other hand, am very much a masochist. We both knew this going into the relationship. Some how, some way we have made this work. He tends to take a dominant role in our relationship, even if he doesn't realize it. In all honesty, there are days when I do miss and crave a D/s relationship. Especially the pain aspect, but these are compromises I've made for our relationship. I would much rather be with him, than off getting my kinks elsewhere. I suggest open lines of communication and both of you trying to find a "happy" compromise. Depending on wants and needs, it could easily be worked out or not. It simply depends on what you both want.

frazzle -> RE: Non-BDSM man with SM girlfriend (9/25/2012 5:57:12 PM)
For someone who has zero interest in SM play. You sure found this site easily. Ignoring that. If your interests lie in different directions. Her being " hot" isn't going to negate mutual interests. By the way, have you met in person or is this all pixels on a screen??

pidepiper7 -> RE: Non-BDSM man with SM girlfriend (9/25/2012 6:18:20 PM)
quote: For someone who has zero interest in SM play. You sure found this site easily. Ignoring that. If your interests lie in different directions. Her being " hot" isn't going to negate mutual interests. By the way, have you met in person or is this all pixels on a screen?? I was using Google. I found the site from here: http://www.quora.com/How-do-I-overcome-my-sexual-masochism and was referred to this forum as a good source of info. I'm honestly trying to understand this. I was curious about how committed are practitioners to SM and whether it is a core part of someone's identity or not. And of course I've met her. She's awesome and I don't want to give her up.

Titaniya -> RE: Non-BDSM man with SM girlfriend (9/25/2012 6:23:19 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: pidepiper7 quote: For someone who has zero interest in SM play. You sure found this site easily. Ignoring that. If your interests lie in different directions. Her being " hot" isn't going to negate mutual interests. By the way, have you met in person or is this all pixels on a screen?? I was using Google. I found the site from here: http://www.quora.com/How-do-I-overcome-my-sexual-masochism and was referred to this forum as a good source of info. I'm honestly trying to understand this. I was curious about how committed are practitioners to SM and whether it is a core part of someone's identity or not. And of course I've met her. She's awesome and I don't want to give her up. I can't separate my sexuality/identity from BDSM because it crops up in everyday interactions and activities, but that doesn't mean I have to actually "play." (For example, I'm into knives. If I pick the right kind of blade up, I'll start getting turned on, but I don't have to engage in knife play with a partner to be satisfied.)

kalikshama -> RE: Non-BDSM man with SM girlfriend (9/25/2012 6:23:21 PM)
quote: And please understand that I do understand that it can be play for some people. It's just that my reactions to people striking me (or pulling my hair) are well-established and visceral. I feel rage. That's just my deal. OP, sorry if I was unclear and you thought I was suggesting you take a masochistic role - it was clear from your post that that wouldn't work for you. Since your girlfriend is a switch and prefers to be submissive, that's how I see kink working if you two chose to involve it. The point I was trying to make was that if one is wired for masochism, having an abusive relationship in the past need not stand in the way of a loving, consensual BDSM relationship.

frazzle -> RE: Non-BDSM man with SM girlfriend (9/25/2012 6:43:36 PM)
Can't help you there and neither can anyone else. She needs to decide if she can live without it. I'm at a point where what I'd like and what is doable don't match up. Eg just putting my arms above my head causes crippling pain. It doesn't matter if that was a massive turn on. It now can't be done.

kalikshama -> RE: Non-BDSM man with SM girlfriend (9/25/2012 7:43:32 PM)
quote: By the way, have you met in person or is this all pixels on a screen?? You must have missed this part of his OP: quote: She surprised me by grabbing my hair and holding me in a "submissive" hold. It was only "play" and she quickly let go.

DesFIP -> RE: Non-BDSM man with SM girlfriend (9/25/2012 7:45:59 PM)
My ex played golf. I happen to hate golf and always have. So there was no way I could ever be part of his Sunday foursome. He played golf with other friends and told me all about the game afterwards. If this is just play then what about letting her play with others. But if it leaves her all hot and bothered, you'll volunteer to handle that when she gets home.

littlewonder -> RE: Non-BDSM man with SM girlfriend (9/25/2012 8:14:16 PM)
Yes I can give up S/M. No I can't give up M/s.

pidepiper7 -> RE: Non-BDSM man with SM girlfriend (9/25/2012 8:16:41 PM)
So what happens if I agree to play the role of Dominant and then I tell her she must act as my equal and I forbid her from seeking or expecting punishment?

littlewonder -> RE: Non-BDSM man with SM girlfriend (9/25/2012 8:19:16 PM)
Good luck. If I remember though you said this is all bedroom stuff for her. If it is, then she'll just ignore you or do it her way anyway because you two are not D/s, just bedroom kink. I have a feeling this relationship won't last unless she can give up the S/M and my experience has been that very few do give it up or want to give it up.

searching4mysir -> RE: Non-BDSM man with SM girlfriend (9/25/2012 8:26:47 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: pidepiper7 So what happens if I agree to play the role of Dominant and then I tell her she must act as my equal and I forbid her from seeking or expecting punishment? Dominants and submissives ARE equals. It isn't a matter of acting as an equal.

pidepiper7 -> RE: Non-BDSM man with SM girlfriend (9/25/2012 8:47:35 PM)
I thought it was about bondage and control with punishments for disobedience? One person exerting his or her will over another. One dominates the other submits. My wish is your command kind of thing ... They may be equal in the sense of being two sides of the same coin but they are not the same surely. So if you are really into it, and the role of the submissive is to submit and you are told to play neither the role of a dominant or submissive but something in between, why not "play" along? Isn't being submissive what it's all about? What am I missing? Still just trying to understand this .... Besides, all of life is role play. There's nothing different about BDSM from any other type of relationship in this regard. And in fact, every "vanilla" relationship I've ever seen is also about control and control games. No different really as far as I can see. You can even find asshole fathers to beat sons, redneck men to beat wives .... Its all there. But Real freedom is always the places "in between", the places that can't be categorized. Between feminine and masculine, between dominant and submissive, between pain and pleasure, etc etc. It terrifies the hell out of everyone, so we all run and hide in the safety and security of our roles and imagined identities. Something to cling to ... A real Master wouldn't let you off so easy ... ;) and I suspect the BDSM community would be as uncomfortable about exploring these boundary-less regions as any other self-identified group. If you really want to give up control it seems you need to give up domination and submission. Give it ALL up if you dare. That's genuine submission. That would actually be something different. I'm not sure what BDSM is .... But it doesn't actually seem to have anything to do with submission ... and nobody seems to actually be in control ... so what is it? I've been trolling tese forums trying to figure it out...

Alecta -> RE: Non-BDSM man with SM girlfriend (9/25/2012 9:33:56 PM)
BDSM is a very broad umbrella. Generally, we would divide it into two broad categories: "bedroom-only", and "out of bedroom". Bedroom-only BDSM is kinky roleplay and for people who just like this sort of thing for getting themselves hot and bothered. It starts and stays in the bedroom. It's how they like to be teased and fucked, but not how they choose to live. Usually when someone's a "Bedroom-only" kinkster, it means they're into the physical sensations they derive from BDSM activities. Out of bedroom BDSM covers philosophical and lifestyle choices ground. It refers usually to D/s (Dominant/submissive) or M/s (Master/slave) relationships where those in it are in it for the structure and lifestyle choices and philosophy and how it engages their minds, rather than bodies. They are relationship status quos that we engage in because it suits our personal preferences and beliefs despite it being against the social norm. This is a very crude analogy, but not entirely dissimilar: someone who is open to having sex with the same gender but doesn't want a relationship with someone of the same gender, versus someone who does want to date someone of the same gender. ETA: BDSM doesn't have to do with submission at all. It stands for Bondage, Discipline and Sado-Masochism. There are a lot of words in these circles that are misleading in that what the label refers to is not exactly dictionary. D/s's submission isn't being beaten into someone, it is actively and consciously recognising that one is less capable of handling certain decisions about oneself and deferring them to another. Because the submissive is the one giving up this power, some people think this means the submissive has all the power; whereas, since the Dominant is the one who gets to tell the submissive what to do, some people think it is the Dominant that has all the power -- but in fact, neither is correct per say. It isn't about power struggles and assignment, it's about redefining one's role within one's choice of lifestyle and relationships.

JanahX -> RE: Non-BDSM man with SM girlfriend (9/25/2012 9:47:51 PM)
I thought it was about bondage and control with punishments for disobedience? One person exerting his or her will over another. One dominates the other submits. My wish is your command kind of thing ... They may be equal in the sense of being two sides of the same coin but they are not the same surely. So if you are really into it, and the role of the submissive is to submit and you are told to play neither the role of a dominant or submissive but something in between, why not "play" along? Isn't being submissive what it's all about? What am I missing? Still just trying to understand this .... Its about a lot of things. And no - youre not going to "just" understand it. There is so many branches to the tree - that when you finally think you know whats going on - you find out something new. It took me years to educate myself about all the different shit that goes with the BDSM title. What you think you know about it usually isnt anything like what the reality of it is. Basically - its what you make it. As for role play - some people are into it, some arnt. I myself am not. Im into a very natural style of d/s -pretty normal on the outside, a freak of nature on the inside. I dont get off on role play. Its like saying: lets pretend. Besides, all of life is role play. There's nothing different about BDSM from any other type of relationship in this regard. And in fact, every "vanilla" relationship I've ever seen is also about control and control games. No different really as far as I can see. You can even find asshole fathers to beat sons, redneck men to beat wives .... Its all there. My life isnt role play. And yes - my kink life is very different from my day to day life. I dont have any idea what youre talking about. And BDSM is not about "beating" someone out of anger like you have described above. You are WAY the fuck off on that one dood. But Real freedom is always the places "in between", the places that can't be categorized. Between feminine and masculine, between dominant and submissive, between pain and pleasure, etc etc. It terrifies the hell out of everyone, so we all run and hide in the safety and security of our roles and imagined identities. Something to cling to ... Im not terrified, and I dont have an imagined identity. I am who I am - and if people dont like it, they can fuck the fuck off. A real Master wouldn't let you off so easy ... ;) and I suspect the BDSM community would be as uncomfortable about exploring these boundary-less regions as any other self-identified group. I dont recognize what you are referring to as a REAL Master - nor do I recognize the BDSM community. Do you call them up often or something? I'm not sure what BDSM is .... But it doesn't actually seem to have anything to do with submission ... and nobody seems to actually be in control ... so what is it? I've been trolling tese forums trying to figure it out... Its whatever you want it to be - as long as its consensual and legal.

BitaTruble -> RE: Non-BDSM man with SM girlfriend (9/25/2012 10:10:45 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: pidepiper7 I thought it was about bondage and control with punishments for disobedience? One person exerting his or her will over another. One dominates the other submits. My wish is your command kind of thing ... They may be equal in the sense of being two sides of the same coin but they are not the same surely. So if you are really into it, and the role of the submissive is to submit and you are told to play neither the role of a dominant or submissive but something in between, why not "play" along? Isn't being submissive what it's all about? What am I missing? Still just trying to understand this .... Besides, all of life is role play. There's nothing different about BDSM from any other type of relationship in this regard. And in fact, every "vanilla" relationship I've ever seen is also about control and control games. No different really as far as I can see. You can even find asshole fathers to beat sons, redneck men to beat wives .... Its all there. But Real freedom is always the places "in between", the places that can't be categorized. Between feminine and masculine, between dominant and submissive, between pain and pleasure, etc etc. It terrifies the hell out of everyone, so we all run and hide in the safety and security of our roles and imagined identities. Something to cling to ... A real Master wouldn't let you off so easy ... ;) and I suspect the BDSM community would be as uncomfortable about exploring these boundary-less regions as any other self-identified group. If you really want to give up control it seems you need to give up domination and submission. Give it ALL up if you dare. That's genuine submission. That would actually be something different. I'm not sure what BDSM is .... But it doesn't actually seem to have anything to do with submission ... and nobody seems to actually be in control ... so what is it? I've been trolling tese forums trying to figure it out... I suspect this ain't your first time at the rodeo. I don't know what your motive here is but I'm not buying what you're trying to sell, so I'm out.

pidepiper7 -> RE: Non-BDSM man with SM girlfriend (9/25/2012 10:16:17 PM)
quote: I suspect this ain't your first time at the rodeo. I don't know what your motive here is but I'm not buying what you're trying to sell, so I'm out. No you're right. I've been on your site for four hours. Not just got here. And I know more about sadism and masochism than you'll ever know sugar. I know the REAL shit. Why don't you try that out then get back to me when you've learned about it? That's the difference between you and me. For you it's just some fantasy. I see it everywhere. And I'm here for exactly why I said.

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