Kana
Posts: 6676
Joined: 10/24/2006 Status: offline
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I'm gonna try to say something that's kinda tough to put in words, so if I fail or fall short, bear with me. For me, it's not about the pain, it's about the control. It's about pushing the edges, seeing how far she'll go, how much she'll take and still serve voluntarily. Now, I'm not knocking pain (I love to make gals scream) but the pain, that's just a symptom. The underlying cause, the root, is embedded in D/S...which is why I always say that D/S is my primary focus. Now note, I've always been like this, as in always. I say provocative shit to watch people react. I push buttons to get people out of their safety zones,find out how they respond, see who and what they really are underneath that civilized veil they wear and show to the public. Yeah, I know it's cruel, and more than a touch socio-pathic, but I've been this way forever. I mean, even as a kid I said challenging shit, did shit specifically to elicit a response. I've tormented teachers, friends, women, and Heaven help my poor parents because they had no clue for how to deal with a lunatic like me, cuz nobody could. And it's just part of who I am. Cripes, I'm an adrenalin junkie. I skateboarded 1/2 pipes in elementary school, pool rode in middle, rode big waves. I did ski racing as a teenager and hard core insane back-country skiing before I was twenty. The stuff that others were scared to try I felt compelled to do. Why? No clue. Maybe something to do with the rush...and the looks people give you after-that freaked thefuckout 1/2 awe, 1/2 "that dude is flat out nuts" expression that says that I go where they would never dare. I've broken over eighty bones in my life. I have scars all over my body. When I did drugs, my motto was more, faster, now! I drank like a fish, dropped forty, fifty hits of acid at a time, blew through insane amounts of coke, hit Dead tour at 15, joined the Dragon family and hooked up with some of the biggest(And craziest) cats in the US. By 18 I was dealing with Pagans, Outlaws, insane shit like that. I ran the streets like a modern day Visigoth.No boundaries, no limitations. A judge once used the word "incorrigible" and that's probably about as close to the truth you can get. I believed in live fast and leave a good looking corpse. I just had no freaking governors in my life. Those came with experiences...and pain. Lots and lots of pain, like most folk can't imagine. So that's part of the equation. The other part is that people fascinate me. They are far and away my great obsession in life. I like to get in their heads, find out what makes em tick. I like to find the levers inside that move em, and then hit those levers like a master backhoe operator working on a tight time schedule. BDSM allows me to do this, and edge play lets me get real deep. No rules, nothing holding me back but me. I'd always been drawn to it. There's a base question that ran around the idea-What would you do with a bound helpless woman who won't try to stop you? You could do anything. But would you? And how far can you push things before she cries no? That's the primary attraction, right there. So for me, it's far less about whether she is a maso or not, and far more with how far can I take her, and what happens when I ht this button right here, the one she hates being pushed. If pain is that button, then great. But if it's a fear of tight spaces, then we're gonna use hoods, shit like that. Blast right through that fear, find out whats on the other side, what she's like when she emerges from the cauldron of me. I dunno if that helps, and I have real doubts that I've even kinda sorta begun to articulate what I feel inside, but it's all about the rush (All these years later and it's still about that sane feeling I had when I stood atop a pipe for the first time, looking down, stomach full of fear, endorphins blasting, knowing that drop is calling me and I'm gonna go, even though everything inside says, Nonono.), about conquering boundaries, ignoring that terror and instead mastering it, turning it into an asset and then riding that fucker for all it's worth. It's about driving like a bat out of hell down some winding ass country road at 110, pitting my skill, guts and intellect against an unyielding object, seeing what happens. I hope that helps in some small way.
< Message edited by Kana -- 9/27/2012 6:34:09 PM >
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"One of God's own prototypes. A high-powered mutant of some kind never even considered for mass production. Too weird to live, and too rare to die. " HST
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